Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 There can't only be one person fighting, Good luck, and a big hug!!! Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 TY Holly!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo Geez- guys say women are hard to read- I disagree!!! Men can be just as hard...or harder!!! Im gonna follow your advice. If he wants me and values me, he will come get me. And if he doesnt, I would rather hurt now and get it over with than invest more time and be devastated again later. I dont get why outside problems take love away from a person who fully supported you and would do anything for u- I just dont understand. TY all!! Link to comment
flowerbomb2021 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 TYSM Holly Im so so sorry Flowerbomb- That, exactly what u said, is my biggest fear. Im so so sorry for u If I wait for this man, and get my heart broken again. Im terrified of that. I know nothing in life is guaranteed but I am a hopeless romantic- I feel if there is love- its worth fighting for. I have been fighting for us, in every way I know how- even giving him space he says he needs. He pulls me in, he pushes me away????? he texts, doesnt, hes busy, hes not- UGH I love him so I dont want to let him go. If he loves me, I would stay- He will not discuss emotions- hes not in that mindset right now he says. i see or, i wish for, a future together- the vast majority of our relationship was more than I could ever dream of- we were so in love, inseparable and so happy. when things started going downhill w his business- its like it took his love for me too- i dont understand that??? im going to do the no contact- all the pps were right. how can he miss me if im still there everytime he needs me. i just wish i knew how he felt. i wish i knew his intentions- i would wait for him if i knew he loved me. but i know nothing anymore ugh ty all I'm ok now. I have my days but it is hard to deal with because I did nothing wrong to this man besides love him and be by his side when he needed it the most. But some men (or should I say boys have no clue what to do with a good woman. I totally understand where you are coming from because you are so madly in love with this person and want things to work out. But at the same time, they have to be giving you something in return. It is not fair to pull you in just to push you away. Or say they love you but dont want a relationship right now. You need to decide what is best you and what you will be at peace with. Speaking for myself, I tried hard for an entire year post-breakup. And even though I did not get the results that I wanted (to be back together), I know I can say that I tried. And he did not. Thats something he has to deal with. You cant control people's actions and what they decide to do (even though you may not agree), but at the end of the day, you know the kind of woman you are and what you have to offer in a relationship and the type of love you give. If he cant realize that (or maybe he does), but still does not give you something, then at that point, you gotta do what is right for you. I know you want to be there for him in his time of need but you're gonna end up feeling used and walked on over, especially if he is not offering you the same in return. I am a firm believer that if you truly loved somebody and saw a future with them, you would do anything you can to keep that person in you life. Maybe this is the test for you both. Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 My question is why is he still contacting if hes focusing on his business and has no interest in love or relationships right now? Why? Because this kind of effort is easy for him. It's sporadic, perhaps, it's at his whim, not yours, no demands of him, no expectations, no worries. Easy. It works for him. But it is not time and attention, not what you want, so not necessarily easy for you. But as long as you accept it, he's free to continue and may think it works for you, too. If you want time and attention, and this isn't it, it is probably not wise to encourage it by going along with it. This is where you remember to love yourself. Ramp up the self-care, and self-kindness. If something you are doing hurts you, give yourself permission to stop doing it. Be nice to yourself. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I went thru something similar a few years ago and a voice out of no where was like an epiphany. "If he really loved me, he wouldn't have risked losing me to begin with" I was slamming my trunk closed on my caragter getting groceries and heard myself say this out loud. I never looked back. Link to comment
flowerbomb2021 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 "If he really loved me, he wouldn't have risked losing me to begin with" This is very true. Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Flowerbomb- I feel you and I are the same I did nothing but love this guy. He said he loved me back- I thought he showed it. Then his whole work thing happened, and Boom- everything changed???? I dont get it- Stress in my life doesnt make my love go away. Its got me questioning everything- Did he ever really love me? Why do u need space from someone you love???? Is he gonna come back??? Is he not- do I wait UGH Its maddening. I dont understand him- the push and pull is too much. UGH xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Thank you Journey!!! You know what- I am meeting all his needs right now, and hes meeting none of mine. Hes got the gf to comfort him when he needs/wants, and then drops me like a hot potato when he doesnt. For all I know he could be seeing other ppl- and Im here waiting on him I am doing no contact- I cant keep doing whatever he wants with no concern for myself. If he values me, he will come for me- I keep telling myself that xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 reinventmyself- inspiring!!!!!!! totally true!!!!! u know what- i dont think he thinks hes lost me cuz ive been there for him just as if we r still in the relationship (when he wants) but only we r not anymore. the more i read the more perfect sense everyone is making here. I must do the no contact. if he needs time away then take it- hes playing games and i dont like that. i cant have him play games w my heart. if he wants me, then he has to take action- and if he doesnt, hopefully ill get over it sooner than later- the no contact hopefully will help me w that. thanks and hugs to all. Men lololololol Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Flowerbomb- I feel you and I are the same I did nothing but love this guy. He said he loved me back- I thought he showed it. Then his whole work thing happened, and Boom- everything changed???? I dont get it- Stress in my life doesnt make my love go away. Its got me questioning everything- Did he ever really love me? Why do u need space from someone you love???? Is he gonna come back??? Is he not- do I wait UGH Its maddening. I dont understand him- the push and pull is too much. UGH xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Thank you Journey!!! You know what- I am meeting all his needs right now, and hes meeting none of mine. Hes got the gf to comfort him when he needs/wants, and then drops me like a hot potato when he doesnt. For all I know he could be seeing other ppl- and Im here waiting on him I am doing no contact- I cant keep doing whatever he wants with no concern for myself. If he values me, he will come for me- I keep telling myself that xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo By waiting around and hoping he will come to his senses, is still a waste. You need to move on with your life, with the thought he will not return. Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Thats exactly what I am going to do- No more. No contact. I need space now lololololololol Im not letting him miss me- I see this now. And i am accepting pretty terrible behavior - Im letting him treat me so badly- I would yell at my girlfriends if they did what I am doing. Hes using me bc he knows i love and adore him . I see it now. Not nice. We ended on a high note- so thats that. I cant do this to myself anymore. ty guys xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Thank you Journey!!! You know what- I am meeting all his needs right now, and hes meeting none of mine. Hes got the gf to comfort him when he needs/wants, and then drops me like a hot potato when he doesnt. For all I know he could be seeing other ppl- and Im here waiting on him I am doing no contact- I cant keep doing whatever he wants with no concern for myself. If he values me, he will come for me- I keep telling myself that xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo The important thing is you know yourself, and what you need, and choose accordingly. Don't forget for yourself to meet your needs. So if he's not the one, give yourself the ok to learn and move on. Right? I'd even try to let go of the "If he values me, he will come for me" type of thinking, because it seems to me as some sort of challenge or test, whereas you could word it about yourself to help you make choices in life "If I value ______________, then I choose to do ____________", ("If I value time and attention in a relationship….then what do I choose now that moves me toward that and away from neglect"…or something like that. Give yourself your power transform and create your life. It sets the groundwork for your future self.) Hang in there, one breath at a time. Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 journey- that is amazing. You are completely right. I put myself last a lot in my life- His needs always came before mine. And when I would express a minimal need- I felt like I was being selfish. I guess he feels like that behavior of him and his needs first should continue- even after we r broken up. And Im allowing it- so why not? Im hurting myself. I see what u r saying- I have to value myself. I am still giving him the power. I dont ask for money (he is struggling- its not about that for me and never was or would be) or expensive dates or stuff like that- I asked for time, attention and love. Effort- Effort to me shows everything. I made a BIG effort for him- he did not do so in return. And now its pretty much a zero unless he needs something or is bored. No more- I want a man who is head over heels in love w me, and wants to be with me. That is important to me- 1 night a week lol thats what he couldnt handle lol a weekend night and maybe, if i was lucky, 1 night after work- My standards couldnt have been lower. I felt I was trying to accommodate him. But I was lost in this scenario Were not together anymore- No more. TY xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 reinventmyself- inspiring!!!!!!! totally true!!!!! u know what- i dont think he thinks hes lost me cuz ive been there for him just as if we r still in the relationship (when he wants) but only we r not anymore. the more i read the more perfect sense everyone is making here. I must do the no contact. if he needs time away then take it- hes playing games and i dont like that. i cant have him play games w my heart. if he wants me, then he has to take action- and if he doesnt, hopefully ill get over it sooner than later- the no contact hopefully will help me w that. thanks and hugs to all. Men lololololol there is no motivation for him to do anything different as long as he has you on his terms Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I understand. As I see it, there is a difference between being selfish and being self-directed or self-guided. It's tricky, for sure, but you'll always live with yourself no matter who comes or goes in your life. So if you are going to trust anyone, learn to trust yourself. You'll learn either way, life is an experiment as well as an experience, but I think you'll learn the most by listening to your core self. Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Reinvent- OMG totally totally true- Its like light bulb after light bulb going off!!!! Journey- I just wanted his time. Nothing more, and not a lot of time- I was understanding of his demands. He made time for sports tho- He was at games constantly- every sport you can imagine. and concerts- he loves concerts. Its not just constant work- Yes he does work a lot. I was never intrusive, but on his downtime- I just wanted some time. He can make time for what he wants, he wouldnt invite me ever for the sports- i went to 1 concert but it wasnt planned, it was last minute when there was an extra ticket. i am very hard on myself- i am a giver by nature, so asking for time- or more like begging sometimes- ugh i felt selfish. but why should i have to ask or beg my bf to hang out???? once his work started to suffer- OMG everything went down the drain. I thought I was doing the selfless thing by giving him the space- his actions showed he wanted it, but his words differed? push and pull, hot and cold always- maddening. well- u guys r right. i am allowed to have needs to- im not just here to serve him no matter how little he invests in me. i gotta stand up for myself bc no one else will. if hes not meant to be- better i know now then waste anymore time. ugh ty guys xoxoxoxo Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Reinvent- OMG totally totally true- Its like light bulb after light bulb going off!!!! I've got few years on you and a little more practice Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 lolol tysm reinvent u have helped me immensely. i admit it- im a fool for love but i need to love myself more. thank you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 lolol tysm reinvent u have helped me immensely. i admit it- im a fool for love but i need to love myself more. thank you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Keep us posted Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I will!!! tysm!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Journey- I just wanted his time. Nothing more, and not a lot of time- I was understanding of his demands. He made time for sports tho- He was at games constantly- every sport you can imagine. and concerts- he loves concerts. Its not just constant work- Yes he does work a lot. I was never intrusive, but on his downtime- I just wanted some time. He can make time for what he wants, he wouldnt invite me ever for the sports- i went to 1 concert but it wasnt planned, it was last minute when there was an extra ticket. i am very hard on myself- i am a giver by nature, so asking for time- or more like begging sometimes- ugh i felt selfish. but why should i have to ask or beg my bf to hang out???? once his work started to suffer- OMG everything went down the drain. I thought I was doing the selfless thing by giving him the space- his actions showed he wanted it, but his words differed? push and pull, hot and cold always- maddening. I understand. Are you arguing with yourself over this? You don't have to justify that you want time with your boyfriend. He has his reasons to choose what he does, and you have yours. Each of you are right to know yourselves, neither of you are wrong. If you don't overlap enough for each of you to be satisfied, it is simply information, useful information, for determining compatibility. You are not wrong for asking, either, because otherwise he would not know, or have an opportunity to grow and change in a relationship. And he, the same thing. As a result, you may have found the point at which you are not compatible for a continued romantic relationship. Doesn't mean it is without feeling or difficulty to let it go, but it is a valid choice. You made that choice, and maybe now you are reviewing to understand? There is a book that has been recommended by other on here (but I have not yet read) called "Uncoupling" that you might look into . Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 He never made you a priority. It also sounds like you were on the periphery of his life. Never settle for this treatment. You should feel like your are in a partnership, not a filler when he has extra time. be done with this guy. He will never treat you, as you deserve! Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 You know Holly- I did feel like that sometimes!!!! Its just when we were together- it was like sooooooo perfect. I overlooked it. Maybe I made a mistake bc I guess I allowed it and he felt it was acceptable. He has always been very "busy" Even in the beginning, he was very busy- okay I get that. We all have lives and responsibilities- I do too. Hes a work hard/play hard type of personality. But he rarely included me in the play hard stuff lol idky i kinda feel like he treated me as separate from that? We def had a honeymoon period. But as soon as his job stress hit- It was like the first thing to happen was push me away When all i did was help- Like A LOT. U make time for what u wanna make time for. Geez I guess how can I feel like hes gonna make me a priority when we r "broken up" when i wasnt even one while together!!!! U guys are amazing- Im going 100% no contact. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 See this as a positive, as to how you handle future relationships. I did. It was a life changing experience!!!! Never be someone's doormat. Link to comment
confused345678 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I am!!!! I accepted everything and anything he did, said or wanted- Im easy-going- but maybe too easy. I have to value myself and my needs. My needs are pretty low, and even that was "too much" Thank you all!!! Im freezing him out lololololol I will keep everyone posted!!! Im sure I will have my weak moments I do truly love this guy- But you have opened my eyes to a lot. I accepted pretty much the minimum and I gave him the maximum- I dont deserve that. Thank you all- Keep your fingers crossed for me that I can remain strong and dont cave lol xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Link to comment
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