Still not sure what to do?

[chedge05]

I've posted here before, but I am still so lost and i have an updated story. Long story short, my wife wants a divorce, says it's over and there's no chance in getting her back at the moment.

 

She says she needs to find her true self again. We had a heart to heart talk last night and she said we need to do this. She still loves me, we need the divorce, we need to split. She said she's not saying we will never have anything in the future, but she wants to start out fresh, as friends. When I brought that up today in conversation, she got really defensive and said don't plan on it, it may never happen.

 

There is another guy that she is talking to, but she is serious about not wanting to date anyone else right now. I am crazy, I know... I can't change her mind now, but I am truly in love with her, and I want to do anything it takes to keep her or have us cross paths again and start fresh. How do I go about this the correct way? I'm just so afraid she will hit it off with someone else. I know this is very selfish, her happy does matter the world to me, but right now she's my wife and I feel this can be saved but she doesn't.

 

I know I've skimmed over a lot, if there's any questions, I will try to answer to the best of my ability.

 

Oh we are still living in our apartment together, because neither of us have anywhere else to go at the moment. She still wants to kiss me and have me snuggle up to her at night and she still wants sex but doesn't want me to get mixed signals... It kind of does, but with her there is seriously no attachment.

[SadSadgirl]

I've posted here before, but I am still so lost and i have an updated story. Long story short, my wife wants a divorce, says it's over and there's no chance in getting her back at the moment.

 

She says she needs to find her true self again. We had a heart to heart talk last night and she said we need to do this. She still loves me, we need the divorce, we need to split. She said she's not saying we will never have anything in the future, but she wants to start out fresh, as friends. When I brought that up today in conversation, she got really defensive and said don't plan on it, it may never happen.

 

There is another guy that she is talking to, but she is serious about not wanting to date anyone else right now. I am crazy, I know... I can't change her mind now, but I am truly in love with her, and I want to do anything it takes to keep her or have us cross paths again and start fresh. How do I go about this the correct way? I'm just so afraid she will hit it off with someone else. I know this is very selfish, her happy does matter the world to me, but right now she's my wife and I feel this can be saved but she doesn't.

 

I know I've skimmed over a lot, if there's any questions, I will try to answer to the best of my ability.

 

Oh we are still living in our apartment together, because neither of us have anywhere else to go at the moment. She still wants to kiss me and have me snuggle up to her at night and she still wants sex but doesn't want me to get mixed signals... It kind of does, but with her there is seriously no attachment.

 

there are a lot of things that bother me here.

1. her reason sounds like bullsh*t and is an excuse for her to mess around with someone else. i was given the same reason, and they started dating someone else a mere 2 weeks later

2. shes telling you all this nice stuff to string you along. if she loved you, why would she want a divorce?? makes no sense.

3. she wants the benefits of a relationship without having one by kissing you, cuddling, etc.

4. shes using you.

 

it sounds like she's already emotionally cheating on you with someone else. if she doesn't want to fix it, there isn't anything you can do. it'll be hard to deal with since you 2 live together, maybe you should sleep on the couch or something.

[Knight2001]

my advice would be - move out give her her divorce and move on. you deserve better than this woman is giving you. as sadsadgirl said she is already emotionall cheating on you.

get out man and move forward. you will find happiness without her, but you certainly wont find it with her.

good luck my friend. and be strong.

[jujusamples]

First thing you need to do is move out, it is toxic to live like this. She tells you she wants a divorce but still wants the benefits of being your wife? So confusing.

 

I will be frank with you on what I think;

 

She met someone else she's interested in. She's at a stage where she feel that relationship will move forward. Yet, she still has some insecurities.

 

She's using you as a cushion at the moment, since you are there living with her. She wants to take it slow with this new guy, so therefore you are the one she's going to for sex and etc.

 

This is no where near healthy! You need to get out of there, serve her the divorce papers and try to move on. Of course, it's easier said than done. It will be hard for you, but once you get over it, you will be glad you are out of this relationship. See a therapist if it's an option. You deserve to be with someone whom will love you as much as you love her. This is one-sided and you will end up being more hurt down the road.

[Purusha]

Hi chedge

 

That is a difficult situation to be in, I've just read your other post to try and see what's going on.

 

There are several aspects to the situation that you can do something about if you want to but there are some things that I think you need to be aware going forward.

 

I think your wife is being honest when she says that she needs to find herself but I do also think that the way that she's going about it isn't a healthy one for you or for her. If her jumping from relationship to relationship is a pattern for her it's very likely that she's looking for validation, presence and attention from romantic partners, one after the other and after the initial period they always come up short.

 

The reason that they will more often than not come up short is that during the pursuing stage she has a man's full presence with him, heart, mind and body - usually after the pursuer has cemented the relationship that tapers off (there are many reasons for this, don't get me started!) and she's left feeling alone, unseen and insignificant and she starts distancing herself, finding she's unhappy and looking elsewhere for someone else to fill the gap.

 

So, this gives you a clue as to what's been going on with her, and if you have trouble opening up, being present with her, showing her affection etc she will inevitably feel isolated and alone in the relationship.

 

What I'd also say about this is that people not being able to be fully present with your partner is a consequence of how men and women are brought up in society, it's not a personality trait or something to blame someone for. And she, as much as you, and a lot of other people out there, are generally blind to it.

 

What I'm not saying is that this is your cue to lavish her with attention in order to win her back as I think you have your own issues to resolve in this dynamic.

 

With yourself it seems that boundaries play a big part - boundaries are basically our ability to know who we are, what we like, what we don't like, an awareness and ability to live those aspects of ourselves. They're not a wall to be built between ourselves and other people - they're a mode of expression.

 

For example, at the moment it sounds like your self esteem and confidence is taking a battering because whilst this is going on you're providing affection and sex with nothing in return but uncertainty and insecurity. This is a boundary violation that both you and she are committing as it seems that what you want is a connection, a relationship, a sense of certainty and you're allowing her to take what she needs in exchange for any connection with her at all.

 

I feel like you both have issues with self love and self awareness that you both need to work on whether separately or apart - whether there's enough trust and security for you to be able to work on this together is only something that you can decide.

 

If I were you I'd definitely be looking at boundaries, what it means for me and what it is that you need in order to feel as safe and as self loving as possible, these may be questions you can ask yourself. If you have difficulty answering that question initially, you can ask 'what would a person with self love do?' - without any supposition on what you think you should be doing. Then, take action to back that up and increase your sense of self worth and confidence.

 

I would also look at being present with your emotions rather than hers as you are doing a good job of ignoring those - find some time, sit down and allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, name those emotions and ask when the first time was that you felt them, ask what it is that they want/need, give yourself the space to feel and explore and the answers of what steps to take next will come to you naturally.

 

Only if you get in touch with your own emotions can you really connect with someone else from an authentic space, and this is a great place to start.

 

In any relationship the key is really to work on yourself rather than the other person - if it's a loving and true thing that the other person is still a part of your life as a result of your own development that's a good thing, and if your journeys then diverge as a result of your development it's time to part ways.

 

I hope that's helped in some way, these are challenging times for you and I hope that they work out for the best for you.

[Wiseman2]

Midlife crisis? She threatens divorce but wants to continue acting married? It sounds like she wants to pursue an affair because the marital problems she's been complaining about were never heard or fixed.

 

Tell her she has 2 options. Get rid of this guy and marriage therapy...Or Divorce. See an attorney and get confidential information for yourself.

 

This is nonsense 05;6798222]There is another guy that she is talking to. She still wants to kiss me and have me snuggle up to her at night and she still wants sex but doesn't want me to get mixed signals..

[aroud]

Hey Chedge - how are you getting on? I'm having problems of my own so hope you're making some progress with all this.

 

It sounds like your marriage is going to be difficult to save due to the emotional cheating. Disputes are one thing, but when someone has emotionally turned the page you have to ask yourself some hard questions. You must really love her to even now think about saving the marriage. Marriage therapy might work for you, but please don't think that because you're married you do not have any red lines anymore.

 

She's admitted she's talking to someone else romantically, and I just wonder why upon hearing that you still want to fight for the marriage? That would be a real bombshell to me and a signal to find someone who respects you enough to have an honest discussion before it gets so bad that you admit talking to someone else romantically.

 

Is there some additional background? Are you giving her another chance out of guilt for something that occurred in the past? From what I've read in black and white you're being a bit of a doormat and deserve better. Using your spouse like this is a big no no, and before you delve into the complexities of marriage counselling make sure you're not devaluing yourself massively.

 

Really hope you make progress and things get better for you.

[Jolene576]

I suggest you read the book, "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". You will see many patterns in there and find out your wife is enjoying "cake" right now. It's a good book. It really helped me to see the truth about the situation I was in.