Made every mistake in the book..I could do with some moral support

[Addictedtolove]

So.... 8 months post Break up. I wasn't a great girlfriend at all. Made a lot of mistakes (not cheating). Instantly regretted my decision. First month we stayed in close contact but that soon dropped off his side.

I went abroad for two months to clear my head. (didn't work), taken up new hobbies, new job..I've ticked all the right boxes, but I've constantly made contact. In fact, in 8 months we haven't been more then two weeks without any contact. All but two occasions instigated by me. He has replied to all my contact. I have cried, begged, pleaded. (mostly cried) Each time I know it has pushed him further away. Tried no contact several times (epic fail each and every time) and I always responded to the bread crumbs (I'm such a weiner). I can't seem to let this one go; that's something I've never had before. I've basically gone from "wanting to get back together" to just "avoiding getting a restraining order". I'm not keen on how much of hold this has over my life. It's same old story... I think of him every morning, cry myself to sleep every night..... nothing new there.

 

I'm fairly certain he is seeing someone but he always denies it. I sent the cringeworthy email saying "I'm over it, I've moved on.. can't you see how happy I am? look at me skipping and dancing in your absence" etc. but can he please leave me alone to heal completely (I know....cringe!) I had a polite, curt response..... that breadcrumb sent me nuts so I called about 18 times (for real) then I blocked his number.

 

The heartache is still very real for me and very raw. Obviously there a lot more too this but I think, to highlight the main points.... I'm still in love. He doesn't love me. It hurts. I regret the way I behaved. I've learned a lot but somehow haven't managed to move on.

 

Tomorrow is the first serious day of no contact. I'm finding this harder than quitting smoking so thought I may as well do both together.... but I'd love some support from someone whose been in this position. Whose maybe made a d#$k of themselves and actually managed to gather up the last shreds of their dignity and move on, or perhaps is in the position right now..... 8 months is a long time to waste!..... or maybe from someone who has a restraining order but managed to give up smoking. Either or.

 

Success stories and or horror stories turned successful would be greatly appreciated, as would general moral support. I really just want to feel like I'm not the only who has been here.

 

Thanks for reading.

[hopefulbabe]

Definitely not the only one. I've desperately tried to stay in touch with an ex (not the last one but the one before), I was contemplating moving so I could be close to him, I cried myself to sleep... (although in my case I don't think I was bad to him while we were together, but to myself). One very common reason for not being able to let go is the idea you have invested so much and it will all go to waste now. It seems to me you are being hard on yourself. Can you tell me how you were a bad girlfriend?

[Annia]

I'm very sorry you're feeling like this.

 

Once upon a time I've made all your mistakes... there was a boyfriend who broke up with me in a very cold way... I called (and he never answered the phone), I wrote huge texts that I sent until he deleted me, I sent texts, I begged and pleaded, I asked why... and meanwhile right after we broke up he met a woman and instantly started a relationship with her, married, had a son and as far as I know they are still together. If you've seen me at that time I looked like a crazy woman totally out of control. Life now gave me another opportunity of having my heart broken again and I've decided not to make the same mistakes again. So I told him I needed to step back and cut contact and it's been hard because we used to talk everyday but I'm doing it. I need to respect both.

 

Now, as to your case it is normal that it is so hard in the beginning because you're addicted to him. You're feeling symptoms of withedral. There are some studies that show that the pathways that are activated in the brain after a break up are similar to those in cocain (and I assume other drugs too) addiction... the withdral symptoms.

 

You need to be very strong now and respect and fully accept that this is the best for both and that he chose another path in his life and now you need to follow yours. You did everything right after the break up but the reason you failed to feel better by now is because you didn't cut contact. You need to do it because you want to heal. If one day down the road he wants you back, it will be from a place of distance and clarity and not from a place where you act like a "psycho" and that day is not today. That day would have to do when you totally move on and have the mental and emotional capacity of making good choices for your self that don't stem from a place of desperation and neediness.

 

I'd block and delete him completely. It doesn't serve you knowing about his life now.

 

I have some things for you to consider though and start to think and work about the things that are prevented you from moving on.. time for some serious look in the mirror:

 

- Do I feel guilt? (you said you did some wrong things) Why can't I forgive myself? Would I forgive if he had done the same to me? Why is it me knowing he forgave me so important? Basically you need to forgive yourself.

 

- Why do I need something from him now? Whatelse is there to say?

 

- Would we really have worked out if it wasn't for all of this? Think about incompatibilities that you had and issues he had (he's not the perfect person you put on a pedestal)

 

- If I were to have a fresh relationship now with someone else what would I have done different? What have I learned from this? (this one is very important)

 

- What do I actually miss and lack? Is it him as he is now or is it just a projection of what I thought he was at the time and a projection of what I think is a way of getting my needs met? Do I love him fully for what he is or for the needs he can meet in me like feeling good enough, feeling loved and wanted?

 

- What am I really missing? Is it a routine of talking to him everyday and knowing I had him there when I needed? (withdrawl symptoms that are healed with detox by full NC)

 

- What was the main need he was fulfilling in my life?

 

You'll probably realize that a big part of you misses him not for who he is but because of the three previous points which are related to your ego, your emotional needs that were probably never fulfilled and a tendency we have on "using" people as band-aids for our pain.

 

- What other times of my life have I felt this sense of desperation?

 

- How was my life before him? There was a life before him.

 

- Why do I think that he's my only source of happiness? Why do I have this scarcity mentality.

 

- Can I forgive him and me?

 

Finally, it usually helps writing a letter (that you won't send) with everything you feel and still have in your chest to say or imagine you mentally telling him everything.

 

Letting go is very hard but it's possible. You don't have to stop loving. You can love from a distance without pain in a way that you forgive everything and wish them.

 

You told us you improved other aspects of your life after break up. Feel happy for that, many people get so creepled by their pain that their lives stale. You did a great thing. Sometimes pain can be our best fuel. Use this pain to fuel you. This is not a death, it is a rebirth because after every loss and death of a relationship comes a rebirth. We are broken down in pieces in order to build ourselves again... a better person with so many lessons learned. We come alone to this world and part alone... everyone one else is a company on our journey and we are on theirs, but most of the people aren't meant to stay forever... they are meant to teach us not what we want, but what we need to learn. Don't let this happen to you... make it happen FOR you. You can do it, you're stronger than you think.

 

(sorry for the long post)

[Addictedtolove]

Thankyou hopefulbabe.

Yes, I invested everything, maybe too much... There were just times I was mean. I said things I didn't mean. I called it off in the initial stages as he can't have children and it was a big decision for me. I met someone else so decided to try that. It was very early on. I was always honest and open and was a respectful as I could be. It didn't work with the other guy, I knew it was a mistake so I went back. I know his friends didn't think much of me for that.I genuinely tried to do the right thing. Other than that there were times I just wasn't nice.

I think I was good 75% of the time and pretty awful 25%. I wrote those things off as normal couple stuff, but he took them to heart until it all built up. We didn't argue but I must have hurt him. I eventually pushed him into the arms of someone else. I'm just frustrated that I'm not over it and that whenever I manage to cut contact he will contact me. Hopefully its done now at least. How about you? How did you manage to get over it? I keep hearing that I need to love myself or forgive myself but I sort of need some practical advice. How exactly do you forgive yourself??

[Addictedtolove]

Thank you so much for this reply Annia. Its very useful and one I will re read when I feel a bit weak. I'm working through the questions... maybe I can post you back the answers. I'm not sure my answers are making much sense. I'm not sure I'm "getting it" Its true everything you said. Its just that I'm not feeling it. its like theres a huge gap between where I am (still clinging onto a false hope) and where I desperately want to be (Fully healed and over it). I just don't know how to bridge the gap.

[Annia]

Block him so he doesn't contact you and interrupts you healing process. If you really feel the need tell him that you need NC and so that he doesn't attempt to contact you and then block. I know it might seem very hard to do it now but by experience it's the best way to heal.

[Annia]

Thank you so much for this reply Annia. Its very useful and one I will re read when I feel a bit weak. I'm working through the questions... maybe I can post you back the answers. I'm not sure my answers are making much sense. I'm not sure I'm "getting it" Its true everything you said. Its just that I'm not feeling it. its like theres a huge gap between where I am (still clinging onto a false hope) and where I desperately want to be (Fully healed and over it). I just don't know how to bridge the gap.

 

It's ok and it doesn't have to make sense. I don't get many things in my life too and many questions I can't answer yet or at least with the clarity I'd like. But this has helped me put things in perspective and realize that many times the pain is more about us than the other person itself.

You will heal and feel over it in time. Don't force it, these things take time and you're exactly where you have to be in your process. You'll let go when you're ready but meanwhile you need to do the work to create the conditions to fully let go.

 

Another thing that has helped me cope with letting go of people (caution: lots of tears but relief afterwards) :

 

 

[Heart of gold]

I don't think that there is any set way. Tbh nothing works in the way of go out keep busy etc etc and you have seen that for yourself.

The main thing is-

He seems to bring you nothing but hurt and stress (intentionally or unintentionally)

He adds nothing to your life

You are giving him a huge ego massage

For me, the realisation that he makes his own choices and will continue to, regardless of my choices and behaviour have helped me to move forward a little from where I was.

Does he deserve you that you need to beg to be with him?

Why give him the power trip? The security?

Step back, if today is your first day of NC, this time next week it will be day seven.

The days will go slowly but you'll get there!

My situation was different. I broke up with him because of his lies and double life, but the principal of NC is still the same.

[Addictedtolove]

very practical. Thanks. And you're right, this time next week will be day 7. Little steps and celebrate each week...until I stop counting. You're definitely right in that whether he intends to or not the contact brings hurt and stress. Definitely no more contact until I'm fully healed.

[Heart of gold]

very practical. Thanks. And you're right, this time next week will be day 7. Little steps and celebrate each week...until I stop counting. You're definitely right in that whether he intends to or not the contact brings hurt and stress. Definitely no more contact until I'm fully healed.

 

Post on here every time u get an urge to text or call him. And remember why should u be the one to make him feel good?

Glad you are feeling more positive. You will get there.

[dakun]

I go hanging around 7cups.com to forget him.. it's great place..

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately after 8 mos of protracted regret and pining it's time to consider therapy for obsessional thoughts.

 

Also you must delete and block him from all your messaging and social media apps.

 

After 8 mos it's time to accept it's over and pull yourself together and get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start seeing who's out there. When ready, start talking to and meeting men for coffee.

 

How long did you date? You sound completely incompatible if you dumped him for someone with sperm, then begged to get back and were "25% awful"

8 months post Break up. I've basically gone from "wanting to get back together" to just "avoiding getting a restraining order".

[Annia]

I go hanging around 7cups.com to forget him.. it's great place..

 

Hum... I didn't know that website.

[rtyu4567]

I went through something similar. Stood in contact 6 months after the break up. It was utter torture, I tried everything in the book, staying busy, family, friends, new hobbies, new job, traveled, nothing worked at least not long enough the most I was able to stay NC was 2 weeks during the 6 months. IMO, he fed off my pain, it boosted his ego to the max, while I could hardly remember who I was anymore. I was someone else, I begged, I cried, I tried making him feel sorry for me etc, etc. The worst part was that I was to good for him and I deserved better, during most of the relationship he brought me nothing but pain, so why I wanted him back and hurt the way I did over someone like him made me even more depressed. Anyway, finally I seeked help, I to the Dr. and began receiving effective therapy and counseling. 3 months now NC, and what a world of difference, more clarity, the excruciating pain and constant thoughts of him are gone, and I'm moving forward with my life, I feel more like myself again. Every day with nc is one more day of getting closer to reclaiming my life and healing even more, i feel empowered and more in control of my thoughts, feeling and most importantly I feel healthier....that's a super duper big plus. Because I felt like I was dying those 6 months of contact with him, the emotional pain and heart break many times made me feel like I was becoming physically ill as well. So basically you can do this op. Is it going to be easy? probably not. But definitely worth it. To sum up some of the things I did to finally help me implement NC was, I got out of self and more into others friends and family, started volunteering in the community, made a gratitude list, joined gym classes, dance classes, Learned how to feel my feelings not act on them and not beat myself up for them, instead learned how to mindful of the whole nature of the reality which was that it is over and for good reason and that although the pain and hurt was unbearable I learned to understand that it was not going to be forever. I got a therapist and attended counseling. I hope some of the things I mentioned above may offer some guidance, op. Sending you warm thoughts