Does he love/respect me or is he just using me?

[hihihi13]

Ive been dating a guy for 5 months - his longest relationship. A bit of background, pretty soon after we met he lost his job and was going through some financial troubles. I was always there for him, supporting him emotionally, mentally, financially. By financially, I mean paying for most dates/ activities we did together. He paid for things when he could. Overall weve had great times and weve expressed that we love each other.

Couple of days ago we went to a bar for food and drinks with couple of my friends. Had a great time there, he was all over me: hugging, kissing, touching me -basically full-out PDA. The plan afterwards was to meet up with his friends at another bar, and one of my gf's came along.

This is where the problem started. The MINUTE​ we walked into this new place, he just started hugging all of his friends one by one and completely forgot about my gf and I. He made zero introductions. Ive met a bunch of his friends before so the ones I knew, I approached myself and introduced my friend to them (something he should have done). However I haven't met all his friends, so at times my gf and I were just standing behind him waiting/ hoping he would introduce us, but he didn't. He was just SO LOST in them that he forgot about us. I even had to introduce myself for the first time to the main bday guy and also his fiancee, whose wedding I'm suppose to attend in a couple months as my BF's plus one! The overall experience was very embarrassing.

After making our own introductions, my gf and I sat with a few ppl and were chatting. He finally came over and I told him I was upset/ mad at his lack of social skills. I also asked him why his level of PDA in front of my friends was through the roof, and here in front of his friends it had sunken below the ground, and he was acting like he barely knew me. He realized his mistake and said sorry, and that he got distracted because he hasn't seen his friends in a while - but continued to greet others without introducing me. Then as a joke, he called over his best friend, whom I've met many times, and pretended to introduce us. I told him to stop. It felt like he really wasnt sorry for what he did (didn't do), and was now poking fun at me. I then overheard him telling his friend that 'this is the drawback of having a gf'... And something along the lines of 'the pros don't outweigh the cons of having a gf'. After hearing this, I was furious.

After everything Ive done for this guy, he has the odasity to say that to his best friend?! I confronted him, and he couldn't believe I had heard him. All he could say was sorry, and he said 'i was joking, I didn't mean it'. Right, that sounds like a load of crap.

Anyways, the ride home was silent for the most part, but I let him hear it - about the lack of social skills, complete absence of PDA and talking about me. All he said is 'sorry, what else do you want me to do, I told you I was joking'. He dropped me off home and we haven't spoken at all in a day and a half. Mind you, we have never gone a complete day with no communication.

I'm just hurt, pissed and confused. He's always introduced me in the past, what happened this time? Why did the PDA become non-existent? Why after saying sorry to me, did he feel the need to talk to his best friend? Did he mean what he said about the pros/cons? If he meant it, why is he with me?

I personally don't think he believes that the pros don't outweigh the cons because I've done so much for him. I've been there for him all along and he's repeatedly told me that he doesn't know what he'd do without me. But then why did he have to put up a front in front of his boy to show that he's so cool?

I know I'm not wrong. I just don't know what he can do to make it up to me. A sorry doesn't cut it. I feel humiliated and hurt. I have a feeling he will contact me, and I just want to be ready with what I want from him before he calls. Also, there's NO WAY I'm contacting him, if he wants to throw this away then so be it.

Please give some advice/ opinions. Thanks.

[Hollyj]

Did he get a job yet? Why are you always paying?

 

I would be pissed. I think there as truth in what he said, and yes he did disrespect you.

 

Find a guy you don't have to parent.

[hihihi13]

Yeah, he just got a job this past week, so this was his first week of work.

 

I don't always pay, but I'd say 70 vs. 30. He did say that the first pay cheque he gets he wants to take me out etc etc. To answer your question, I pay because I care about him, I love him and I'd hope he sees that. (He has said numerous times that I'm really caring/ kind etc.) Also, I know he feels bad about the $$ situation, there's been days when he's been upset/ in a bad mood because he feels like crap about it. I also didn't want financial issues to be the reason we're not together. I knew he'd get a job one day and then we would pay equally.

 

Hmmm, there is truth eh? Just find that so hard to believe and accept. Then why is he here? Bc I'm convenient?

 

Can't I tell him to show PDA next time (he usually does) and correct what he said to his friend (boast about me and express how great I am?)

 

I appreciate your feedback, thanks.

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, he's using you. You pay for everything and he won't even introduce you to anyone and ignores you when you go out.

 

Why are you putting up with this, that's not normal unless you hang out with people who only see you as a pocketbook. I've seen women do this to men too, it's totally rude and I cringe hard when I see people thinking they need to "buy" someone's attention. Even if he pays a little bit it's not an equal relationship, so why not either do things he can afford or not do them at all?

 

But really the big tell is in how he treats you when he's around friends. A guy proud of you who is into you will show you off to the world and engage you with others, they'll want to introduce you to everyone. That he doesn't is probably the single most telling thing there is.

 

Block and delete him. What he said to his friend was the truth of how he feels or he wouldn't have said it. Very bad manners, very rude, very arrogant. I don't really know why you think being nice to someone like that was ever going to turn him into a good partner though. It's five months in and people are on their best behavior at the beginning of anything, so this won't get better. Only worse.

 

P.S. Minus points for his throwing a nasty tantrum and getting passively aggressive, because you called him out on his lack of manners. This is somewhat understandable when someone is 11, not when they're a grown man or woman. Dump.

[hihihi13]

There's been quite a few occasions when we've gone to hang out with his friends, and he's always introduced me and hung out with me. This is was the first and only time such a scenario played out - which is why I'm confused and pissed. I wouldn't put up with him if he never introduced me etc.

 

I agree, the way he treats me in front of his friends is very telling. That's why I figured that if/ when he contacts me, I'm going to tell him that he needs to fix/correct the stupidity that happened few days ago. We did have a plan to see his friends again this week sometime, so I thought I'd see how he behaves then..

 

Also, I should mention, that once he was done meeting everyone and came back to me and my gf, and I mentioned his lack of social skills, he was like 'oh I have to intorduce you to Steve and his fiancee'. So maybe he really was just distracted, but he realized?? Ofcourse at that point I told him I already introduced myself.

 

You're right. The first 5 months is where people are at their best behaviour. He was very rude, and arrogant. Sighs... I hate him right now. How could he?

 

Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it!

[Hollyj]

Yeah, he just got a job this past week, so this was his first week of work.

 

I don't always pay, but I'd say 70 vs. 30. He did say that the first pay cheque he gets he wants to take me out etc etc. To answer your question, I pay because I care about him, I love him and I'd hope he sees that. (He has said numerous times that I'm really caring/ kind etc.) Also, I know he feels bad about the $$ situation, there's been days when he's been upset/ in a bad mood because he feels like crap about it. I also didn't want financial issues to be the reason we're not together. I knew he'd get a job one day and then we would pay equally.

 

Hmmm, there is truth eh? Just find that so hard to believe and accept. Then why is he here? Bc I'm convenient?

 

Can't I tell him to show PDA next time (he usually does) and correct what he said to his friend (boast about me and express how great I am?)

 

I appreciate your feedback, thanks.

 

It sounds like you are buying his affection. He knows a good thing, and is taking advantage of it. He is treating you like a wallet.

 

he should proud to show you off to friends, not keep you in the background. Honestly, I would have left if my bf, who states ne loves me, treated me like this.

 

I don't think that you should have to ask someone to show you PDA. It should come naturally, and I think it would be a bit embarrassing to be begging for affection. Sorry.

 

Lose this creep!

[hihihi13]

Does the fact that he's never been in a serious relationship, and therefore not known how to act (introductions etc.) make a difference? He's 30, the girls in his past have all been flings. Do you think that's any grounds for me to forgive him, because he's 'not used to this'?

 

By the way, he did end up texting me not too long ago and said that 'he didn't mean to offend me, and that he's sorry'.

 

I responded by saying that it's not that he didn't meant to offend me, it's that he didn't mean for me to overhear. I told him he was rude and asked him how he had the odasity to talk crap after he was in the wrong. He hasn't responded yet.

 

Ps - you're right hollyj, I should never have to ask for PDA, and I won't.

[Hollyj]

No. It does not. Stop making excuses for him. He's not an idiot! I knew that that behavior was unacceptable in high school. Why are you questioning this?

 

Why does he behave differently with your friends? I think that what he said to his friend, was truly unacceptable.

[Annia]

I thought he was a guy in his early twenties or something, but if he's 30 it's even worse to be this immature. Don't let a man disrespect you and don't tell him how to love you or how to behave... you have the option of either staying or going. At this point at 5 months of relationships maybe it'd be easy to cut your losses. He doesn't seem like a mature person that will respect you and treat you right.

 

Also, at 5 months into a relationship you shouldn't be doing "everything for this guy". Are you his mother or his girlfriend?

[IAmFCA]

Five months is his longest relationship and now you know why. He is dependent on the affirmation of others.

 

There is no solution here. And, dont take it personally; he has limits and his ability to be a friend and bf to you is low. See it, accept it, let go.

 

P.S. The questions you pose in the title are irrelevant.