Am I Doing The Right Thing?

[marissalace]

Has anyone ever experienced breaking up with someone who wasn't a bad a person, but in your heart you know they weren't right for you? I am struggling very badly with letting go my (now ex) boyfriend of a little over one year. We had some issues over the course of our relationship that began to deteriorate my trust (no cheating or anything that extreme), as well as some other "red flags" that I knew in my heart wasn't the type of relationship I wanted long term. He always cared for me, made me laugh, understood my thinking - but I think our inability to match our communication style continuously held us back (i.e. I enjoy deeper conversations to connect, asking questions about the world, discussing problems to reach a middle ground for our relationship whereas everything was black and white for him and he always had a reason (usually irrational or not backed by an argument) as to why things were, or retreating when there was a problem and ignoring me until he felt like working an issue out on his terms, which always hurt me and led to a few of our most recent big fights.)

 

I just never had the courage to let go, always coming up with an excuse in my mind to continue and remembering the good times we had... but slowly realizing my doubts began to outweigh the positives. My friends and family continuously pointed out that I rather enjoyed the companionship than I did the actual person - and maybe this was true.

 

He's trying to reconcile our relationship now that I finally broke it off by sending me flowers, a letter saying he was sorry for our most recent fight and how he loves me, texting me daily saying he misses me even after I asked for space and time apart to focus on ourselves - I hate hurting him because although our differences, he's still a good person and I'll always wish him the best. I've always been bad with letting people go entirely. And I know I will miss him and struggle for awhile too, but I really believe there is someone else out there better suited for me.

 

Any advice is appreciated on how to let go of a relationship gracefully that you know will not work out in the long term, and move on with your life without feeling guilty for hurting the other person.

[DancingFool]

Letting go gracefully to me means being honest with myself and the other person that there are deeper issues and incompatibilities between us. I don't mean that I would sit there and hash it out with the ex what all was wrong, but rather that I would assure them that it wasn't about a fight or some other minor thing that they have done. Rather I would tell them that the decision to part ways has been thought through and that it is final. Then I would actually wish them well and cut off all contact for good. They need to heal and move on and so do I. Also, the truth is that they didn't do anything bad or wrong, they are a good person, however they are a good person for someone else.

 

An analogy I like for incompatibility is like one person's dream is to sail around the world while other person gets seasick just standing on the pier looking at the sea. You may both be amazing people, but if you don't let each other go to pursue what you both need, you will imprison and break each other's spirits in the long run and that is cruel. So, you let each other go. One to find another passionate sailor and the other to find a land lubber.

[marissalace]

Thank you for this - That analogy spoke to me as I feel as I am the one hoping to continue sailing the world while he is content with remaining on the pier.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but being incompatible doesn't make anyone a bad person. Ending a relationship because of chronic arguing and debating and incompatibilities is a wise choice even if the person is of good character. Why would anyone date a "bad" person in the first place?

 

What was the most recent fight about? Unless you both want a breakup/makeup, on/off kind of high drama, high passion sort of relationship, you may have to decide if you are ending it because you are angry or because you are not suited. Do you or he tend to have a temper?

 

Don't worry, he'll live and survive. Just be kind, honest and keep it simple that it's not working out. Don't candy coat or offer the dreaded friendzone as a consolation.

I am struggling very badly with letting go my boyfriend of a little over one year.He's trying to reconcile our relationship now that I finally broke it off by sending me flowers, a letter saying he was sorry for our most recent fight and how he loves me, texting me daily saying he misses me.

[Annia]

 

An analogy I like for incompatibility is like one person's dream is to sail around the world while other person gets seasick just standing on the pier looking at the sea. You may both be amazing people, but if you don't let each other go to pursue what you both need, you will imprison and break each other's spirits in the long run and that is cruel. So, you let each other go. One to find another passionate sailor and the other to find a land lubber.

 

I confess this analogy touched me. I'm not in the same situation as the OP but I needed to read this. Thanks.

[JaggerJim]

I'd be careful trying to "find" a better suited person, when in actual fact it's probably him. You can't change people into "talking" the way you want them too, or to "think" the way you want them too. People are people, and you have to accept them flaws and all.

 

But good luck if you do try to find someone better. He could be out there, you never know.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, my ex-husband. Eventually we broke up, it was hard, we had an amicable divorce, he's happily married to someone else and likewise. It was one of the best decisions either of us ever made.

[kudos]

I feel like I'm in the same position as your ex. I've been dumped for reasons like you explained. And although it hurts so bad now I respect his decision, and although it's not what I want I do see his point in that we want different things. My ex has gone very distant and was very final while also being as nice as he could. I think he knows he needs to do this otherwise I'll keep trying to fix things. It's so hard I miss him lots and am really hurting but maybe one day I'll look back and thank him for this.

[Matto85]

Yes! You are absolutely doing the right thing. You knew in your heart of hearts that you weren't attracted to him, and it would've been mean to keep him around any longer than you did. It's not like you cheated on him (I assume) or strung him along a loveless relationship. You gave him your sincerity and that's the best you could've done for him. Now the responsibility is on him to respect your decision and move on. I broke up with a girl myself I was dating after and a half. I was in your position wondering if I did the right thing. I begged her back after missing the companionship in which she made the wrong decision and got back together with me, only for me to end it again six months later and devastate her even more. I felt like the devil. Im saying this hoping you'll feel better about your situation

[catfeeder]

We all need to adopt the 'bad guy' role to get out of relationships that aren't suitable. It's just part of dating life--otherwise, you sentence yourself to remain with a wrong match, and for who's benefit? We can't keep another person happy when we're miserable, so staying for the sake of familiarity makes no sense.

 

Head high, and stay out of contact. Playing friendzies is just messy, and it doesn't allow either person to heal.