Just lost my father and boyfriend has been rude and distant since

[soulisthesea]

I am sorry if this is long winded but please bear with me. I need help, advice, similar experience.. anything. I feel I have to explain it all to get the proper answers and guidance..

My boyfriend of 13 years lost his brother unexpectedly in January. They were best friends most of their life but the last few years their relationship developed distance. His brother was making very poor choices for his life and especially his health and it eventually killed him. He was found in his apartment after no one heard from him for a few days. His death was unexpected. He was severely unhealthy and doctors were warning him but we never expected him to die, and his death hit my boyfriend very hard. He has seemed quiet and a bit withdrawn since and our sex life has died to nothing but I know he is going through a major loss.

Fast forward one month.. I had to go home to visit my elderly father as he didn't have long left to live. Living so far away I was able to be detached from the reality of what was happening to him and I was almost in denial. But when I went home and walked into his room in the hospital and saw him in a sling as the nurses were transferring him to his bed to change his diaper, and seeing how hollow and frail and close to death he was, it hit me so hard. It was so hard seeing my dad in such a state. All I could think was that he looked like a corpse and the reality I was about to lose him and my mom was about to lose him shattered my heart. I spent three days in that hospital with my dad. He was in the last stage of Parkinson's and due to that he could barely talk anymore. He was still lucid and very much trapped in his failing body. We were able to talk and spend some meaningful time together and mend our relationship that over the years had some strain. It was so hard walking away from him the last time. I kissed him and hugged him for the very last time and it was so hard to walk away. He died on Wed March 22. And a part of me died with him. I am very close to my mom but I am living across the country. She is hurting and she is all alone. I am dealing with the loss of my dad, worrying about my mom and wanting to go to her, and now since the day after my dads passing I am suddenly dealing with my boyfriends anger that is being directed at me.

The night my dad died I was in shock and I cried a bit but I hadn't absorbed the reality of it yet. My boyfriend was sweet and gentle with me but the next day he turned. He became very nasty towards me and it really hadn't stopped. We had only one good day since. Last Monday he told me how sad he was that he had been rude and so sad he hasn't been there after my dad died and sad that I lost my dad. We talked and I felt we were on the same page but the next morning he was angry again. Freaking out and being very negative.. all while I was feeding our daughter and getting ready to go to my second day of work after my loss. We haven't recovered since. We have had a lot of drama and stress in our lives and he has also been dealing with a health issue the last two weeks. He has been having horrible abdominal pain and cramps and the hospital can't find anything wrong. So that has also been a huge stressor. we are planning on moving home to be with our families and start a new life in June once we fix up and sell our house. We both have lost someone we love, before and since my dads passing he has been in pain, we face a lot of work fixing and selling our house and moving across the country, and we have a beautiful little 2 year old girl that is experiencing tension between her parents. I just can't cope with his anger and the cruel way he is directing it at me. It takes nearly nothing to get him to snap and if I react he only gets angrier. The fighting and silent treatment between us has really been affecting me and I am breaking down under my dads death and now what feels like the death of our relationship. Is it possible that my dad dying and seeing me hurting pushed my boyfriend into the anger stage of grief for his brother? Could my loss of my father have intensified his brothers loss? He has said he never got to say goodbye to his brother and his death was very unexpected and tragic. I am so troubled and stressed and angry and hurt and disgusted that he turned on me when my father died and hasn't been any kind of presence in my life except a toxic one. The reality of that makes me want to leave him and I feel I deserve calm and peace in my own home to process my own loss and start my own grieving process. I am scared of staying and I am scared of leaving. I want to go home to my mom to get myself and our daughter away from his negativity. To give him space to go through whatever it is he is going through, and to have some calm and peace to experience my loss. A month or so apart might save our relationship. I don't want to be a target for his anger anymore and I am at my breaking point. But leaving isn't financially realistic and getting our house ready for sale together would be pretty hard from so far away. I just want him back and our relationship back. He was calm and nice today but the minute I brought up how he has been acting and how it has been hurting me he flipped out on me telling me I ruined the whole day. I was so nice about it and tried explaining I just needed at very least needed an apology and to talk about what has been happening so we can get past it. I begged him to come upstairs to be with me and our daughter. Begged him to be nice and to spend the night relaxing with me. He very rudely flat out refused and told me I was disgusting and h didn't want to be anywhere near me. What did I do to have him turn on me yet again? I just need to understand why he has become so angry since my dad died. I need there to be a valid reason. Knowing he turned on me and caused me unbearable stress and hurt when I too am suffering a loss is too much to bear. I am scared if this continues we will break and I will lose him and we will lose the beautiful future we have planned. I want to grieve for my dad.

[melancholy123]

Please space this out better with blank lines between paragraphs. You will get more replies if it's easier to read.

[chitown9]

I think it is possible that he is scared. Put yourself in his shoes. Getting a diagnosis for him should be a top priority now. Perhaps he thinks that you are so distracted by the death of your father that you are not putting sufficient attention to his poor health and concerns about it. Just my thoughts..... chi

[soulisthesea]

I'm sorry for how I typed this out. I tried to edit it but I can't.

[Hollyj]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My father died of a Parkinson-like disease, and so I can relate.

 

Your boyfriend needs professional help - counseling. Stop making excuses for his behavior, as it is not fair to you. You are both going through a horrible time, but is does not give him the right to be abusive.

 

Ask him to stay with a friend.

[Hollyj]

I think it is possible that he is scared. Put yourself in his shoes. Getting a diagnosis for him should be a top priority now. Perhaps he thinks that you are so distracted by the death of your father that you are not putting sufficient attention to his poor health and concerns about it. Just my thoughts..... chi

 

 

I do not agree. He is not treating her fairly! It's not her fault he is not feeling well.

[katrina1980]

I think it is possible that he is scared. Put yourself in his shoes. Getting a diagnosis for him should be a top priority now. Perhaps he thinks that you are so distracted by the death of your father that you are not putting sufficient attention to his poor health and concerns about it. Just my thoughts..... chi

 

Where did to get that her boyfriend is in poor health? What diagnosis? I just read her post again and didn't see that. It said her father was diagnosed with Parkinson's dsease which killed him, and her boyfriends brother was in poor health due to poor life choices. I understand her boyfriend is grieving for his late brother, but that is no excuse to verbally abuse the OP, calling her disgusting etc, that is just cruel, she is grieving too.

 

OP I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing I could recommend is grief counseling both individually and together as a couple. If your boyfriend is not open to that then I think taking some space away would be beneficial. Look into grief counseling for yourself. You cannot live like that and it is not healthy for your daughter either.

 

Please take care and God bless.

[Hollyj]

Where did to get that her boyfriend is in poor health? What diagnosis? I just read her post again and didn't see that. It said her father was diagnosed with Parkinson's dsease which killed him, and her boyfriends brother was in poor health due to poor life choices. I understand her boyfriend is grieving for his late brother, but that is no excuse to verbally abuse the OP, calling her disgusting etc, that is just cruel, she is grieving too.

 

OP I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing I could recommend is grief counseling both individually and together as a couple. If your boyfriend is not open to that then I think taking some space away would be beneficial. You cannot live like that and it is not healthy for your daughter either.

 

Please take care and God bless.

 

I agree. You may need some time away from one another.

 

Has he been to a specialist? The hospitals are worthless for pinpointing things. Why does he go there?

[katrina1980]

I see it now, his abdominal cramps. I'm sorry that is still no excuse for verbal abuse, she just lost her father dealing with her loss, should be her first priority. He boyfriend is a grown man go to the doctor and get a blood test and x-rays.

[jujusamples]

I'm sorry about your loss. I agree your boyfriend is treating your very poorly. Just to give him the benefit for the doubt, I'm assuming you two have been together for a long time? Was he always like this?

 

If this just developed after your father passed away, it could mean something must have triggered him in regards to his own brother's death. Everyone cope's with death differently. He is probably still suffering from his brother's death and never really dealt with it. Him acting out is a way he's dealing with the hurt he feels. I know it's strange but I've seen it happened. The only advice I could give you is to get him to go for counselling. That way he could express and release his pain.

 

There are stages of grieving the loss of a love one and unfortunately, anger is one of them. I know you are going through a tough time as well but you are probably handling it differently. Both of you are going through a lot of stress at the almost the same time. Maybe you both could seek counselling individually and also as couple. I hope that helps.

[Giblesp]

My GF also turned nasty when my father passed. Now my ex GF and thank you Lord for that.

 

Personally I'd end it, in fact since my father dies I end it with anyone I feel is unsupportive pretty quickly.

 

He's being nice one minute then nasty the next, which suggests he has some neurosis and in need of therapy. If you really want to give it a shot you could give him the ultimatum of getting therapy and stopping the nastiness right now. However in all honesty such a thing takes years of work, and it may really be for the best to end things now.