soulisthesea Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I am sorry if this is long winded but please bear with me. I need help, advice, similar experience.. anything. I feel I have to explain it all to get the proper answers and guidance.. My boyfriend of 13 years lost his brother unexpectedly in January. They were best friends most of their life but the last few years their relationship developed distance. His brother was making very poor choices for his life and especially his health and it eventually killed him. He was found in his apartment after no one heard from him for a few days. His death was unexpected. He was severely unhealthy and doctors were warning him but we never expected him to die, and his death hit my boyfriend very hard. He has seemed quiet and a bit withdrawn since and our sex life has died to nothing but I know he is going through a major loss. Fast forward one month.. I had to go home to visit my elderly father as he didn't have long left to live. Living so far away I was able to be detached from the reality of what was happening to him and I was almost in denial. But when I went home and walked into his room in the hospital and saw him in a sling as the nurses were transferring him to his bed to change his diaper, and seeing how hollow and frail and close to death he was, it hit me so hard. It was so hard seeing my dad in such a state. All I could think was that he looked like a corpse and the reality I was about to lose him and my mom was about to lose him shattered my heart. I spent three days in that hospital with my dad. He was in the last stage of Parkinson's and due to that he could barely talk anymore. He was still lucid and very much trapped in his failing body. We were able to talk and spend some meaningful time together and mend our relationship that over the years had some strain. It was so hard walking away from him the last time. I kissed him and hugged him for the very last time and it was so hard to walk away. He died on Wed March 22. And a part of me died with him. I am very close to my mom but I am living across the country. She is hurting and she is all alone. I am dealing with the loss of my dad, worrying about my mom and wanting to go to her, and now since the day after my dads passing I am suddenly dealing with my boyfriends anger that is being directed at me. The night my dad died I was in shock and I cried a bit but I hadn't absorbed the reality of it yet. My boyfriend was sweet and gentle with me but the next day he turned. He became very nasty towards me and it really hadn't stopped. We had only one good day since. Last Monday he told me how sad he was that he had been rude and so sad he hasn't been there after my dad died and sad that I lost my dad. We talked and I felt we were on the same page but the next morning he was angry again. Freaking out and being very negative.. all while I was feeding our daughter and getting ready to go to my second day of work after my loss. We haven't recovered since. We have had a lot of drama and stress in our lives and he has also been dealing with a health issue the last two weeks. He has been having horrible abdominal pain and cramps and the hospital can't find anything wrong. So that has also been a huge stressor. we are planning on moving home to be with our families and start a new life in June once we fix up and sell our house. We both have lost someone we love, before and since my dads passing he has been in pain, we face a lot of work fixing and selling our house and moving across the country, and we have a beautiful little 2 year old girl that is experiencing tension between her parents. I just can't cope with his anger and the cruel way he is directing it at me. It takes nearly nothing to get him to snap and if I react he only gets angrier. The fighting and silent treatment between us has really been affecting me and I am breaking down under my dads death and now what feels like the death of our relationship. Is it possible that my dad dying and seeing me hurting pushed my boyfriend into the anger stage of grief for his brother? Could my loss of my father have intensified his brothers loss? He has said he never got to say goodbye to his brother and his death was very unexpected and tragic. I am so troubled and stressed and angry and hurt and disgusted that he turned on me when my father died and hasn't been any kind of presence in my life except a toxic one. The reality of that makes me want to leave him and I feel I deserve calm and peace in my own home to process my own loss and start my own grieving process. I am scared of staying and I am scared of leaving. I want to go home to my mom to get myself and our daughter away from his negativity. To give him space to go through whatever it is he is going through, and to have some calm and peace to experience my loss. A month or so apart might save our relationship. I don't want to be a target for his anger anymore and I am at my breaking point. But leaving isn't financially realistic and getting our house ready for sale together would be pretty hard from so far away. I just want him back and our relationship back. He was calm and nice today but the minute I brought up how he has been acting and how it has been hurting me he flipped out on me telling me I ruined the whole day. I was so nice about it and tried explaining I just needed at very least needed an apology and to talk about what has been happening so we can get past it. I begged him to come upstairs to be with me and our daughter. Begged him to be nice and to spend the night relaxing with me. He very rudely flat out refused and told me I was disgusting and h didn't want to be anywhere near me. What did I do to have him turn on me yet again? I just need to understand why he has become so angry since my dad died. I need there to be a valid reason. Knowing he turned on me and caused me unbearable stress and hurt when I too am suffering a loss is too much to bear. I am scared if this continues we will break and I will lose him and we will lose the beautiful future we have planned. I want to grieve for my dad. Link to comment
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