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Feeling too needy


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I have had two proper relationships, the first one I became so head over heels and got very over attached, so that not seeing him for a couple days got me down a lot and I became very emotionally dependent. Once that ended I felt like my world did too- now I have another boyfriend and I love him, I can feel myself getting too needy. If he cancels plans to see his friends I can't help but get upset, and feel like I'm unimportant. I'm just so scared of loosing him due to being too needy, but am I wrong to be annoyed when he would rather see his friends/ watch sports/ play computer games than see me?

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Yes and No.

Him having other interests is healthy but if it crosses over to him not making time for you is not.

If you are feeling needy as you say, it may seem like anything he does causes you to feel threatened.

 

Have you spent any time on your own developing your sense of self, interests, friendships, hobbies and education? How old are you?

 

It's better to have a full life when you set out to date. You come from a place of completion and not looking for another person to fill you up.

That's not his job and in turn you can up draining him.

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As always with these posts giving an idea of your age helps people give better advice.

 

All I can say whatever age you are is to live your life, make it awesome, and whenever your bf wants to be part of it, that's great.....whenever he doesn't ....that's fine too.

 

Love in a way that the other person feels free.....do that and you will never lose anyone, ever!

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If you're always afraid of losing someone your prophecies will eventually come true. The other person will feel your needy energy, your actions will be irrational and the outcome won't be good.

 

As someone who was (and sometimes still is) needy, I think it's important to recognise the pattern (you already realised there's a problem and that's good) and try to understand what causes it. Is it some past scar? The need to overcompensate due to some sort of abandonment in the past?

 

When I get involved with someone and to avoid getting back to old needy patterns I try to ask myself some questions:

 

- How was my life before this person? What was I doing? What were my hobbies? What were the friends I was going out?

- What would be the worst thing that could happen if this person left?

- Have I ever felt like this before? I survived, didn't I?

- Why am I feeling so insecure?

- Am I having a life besides this person? (hobbies, friends, family, etc)

- Is having the person's attention and time correlated with my value as a human being? Why would I let someone else determine how I see my self worth?

 

 

Another thing that helps me when getting anxious is trying to relax, close my eyes and breath calmly and wait for it to pass before I do something impulsive. I also try to distract myself with something else if I really can't let it go naturally. You'll realize that your fear is not something real, it's a projection of a possible outcome (your getting abandoned prophecies) in your head, but it's not something real that's happening at that exact moment.

 

It takes time and dedication, but it's possible to get much better on those patterns, but you have to work on the roots of the problem, and sometimes it gets very painful before getting much better.

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Of course he will need time with his friends and family. That is perfectly normal. But canceling plans with you to see them isnt. Unless you all see each other everyday or you just assume thay you will see each other when we goes and sees his family or friends, thats different. But time promised to you should be your time

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