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When it gets dark, look for the stars...


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So I just wanted to start a random thread, to mainly just express how I feel day to day.. I love writing down or typing how I feel, it really allows me to get everything off my chest. Whether it be opening up about my day or the way I feel or just simply an inspirational quote...

 

I don't deal well with talking to others about my problems, this is my next best thing, starting an online blog-type-thing! Maybe I should start by saying a little about myself... My biggest dream is to move away to California with no return in sight, I'm 19, I live in the glorious United Kingdom and I have a passion for horse riding! My pony is my absolute world, he's my love, my best friend, my councillor, my rock and my therapist! It's really quite amazing how one hour with my tall, dark, Mr Handsome can change my mood (For all you romantics, chill out, I mean my horse! 😉 )

 

I'm a big believer in The Law Of Attraction and The Power Of Positivity, so expect alot of spiritual and eye opening quotes and thoughts... On that note I hope you are all having a lovely evening, afternoon or morning wherever you may be in this wonderful world! This is it for now, but I'll post again real soon..

xox

Edited by ExoticDance
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So why exactly is it a bad idea to dream about a crush from five years ago?! Because then you can't stop thinking about the idiot all day!!

 

So my parents divorced when I was 6 and my mum moved 150 miles away, I lived with my dad from that day on even till now... When my mum moved she met some local friends, a family- a mum, dad, three sons and a daughter. The daughter was a year younger than me and we were good friends. I'd stay at my mums house for a few weeks and we'd be virtually inseparable. Her second oldest brother, let's call him Norfolk, for the sake of protecting an identity and my pride, was 4 years older than me. So obviously at a young age I had no interest. When I hit 15 was when I started to fancy him, you know one of those high school crushes where you fantasise about holding hands and kissing, none of the serious intimate stuff! It was perfect, I was so mesmerised by him even though we hadn't ever spoken! My mum had a birthday party, and he was invited, I didn't think he'd show up but he did and we got talking and kissed, alot! But he left so abruptly, we spoke over text a few weeks after I'd returned home to my dad's. It turns out he fantasised about a lot more than holding hands and kissing! I discovered he'd gotten around quite alot, he had a girlfriend and then I later found out he'd gotten a traveller girl pregnant. I was devastated. Even though we never had anything close to a relationship it really did affect me, from a young age I realised that boys can be d*cks!

 

Well to cut a long story and many tears short, he's still with the traveller girl. They have three children now and he isn't happy, her family, because of their beliefs, threatened to have him "disposed of" if he ever left her. Apparently he works long hours and she spends all of his money yet doesn't work herself... Norfolk's family have had many chats with my mum preaching their regret for keeping him away from me as he had ended up in such a mess. And I just can't help but think that I would have probably been the girl that ended up pregnant whilst he swanned around sowing his oats, because my family aren't lunatics, he would have ran for the hills at the thought of being a father..

 

Well last night I had a dream about him and I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, it's driving me nuts!! I keep thinking about the night with him at my mums birthday party, it still gives me butterflies.. I keep making up little scenarios in my head and wondering what they'd be like if they came true. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him alot. And I know what you must be thinking, he was a cheat. But I think it's safe to say he's probably well and truly learnt his lesson in the most brutal way possible...

 

I have another problem though, I can't think freely.. For the simple fact of my current control freak boyfriend, let's call him Hinckley! He proposed to me the other day, I said no of course, I don't want to be engaged at 19 and certainly not to a control freak. It scared the life out of me! It seems myself and Norfolk ended up in pretty sticky situations. I wish I knew why I missed him so damn much but I don't have an answer for such a simple question... I don't know why I dreamt of him either, we haven't spoken for 5 years and he hasn't been mentioned for a long while to me.

 

Well, it's getting late here so I should probably hit the sheets! Goodnight everyone, or good morning, whichever time zone you may be in! I'm off to dream about things and people I shouldn't!

xox

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If in doubt crack open a bottle of bubbly and poor your sorrows out...

 

So my boyfriend is acting real strange lately, and this is something I'd love for opinions on if anyone is reading!

 

So when we first got together he promised he wouldn't go to town, I believed him! Yesterday my friend messaged me saying she saw him in a bar she works in with his friend and she told me that he said to her he was going to tell me he was out, he never did. So I confronted him about it, he came out with many excuses like he was waiting till we were in person to tell me, he never would have gone if I had seen him that night, he had no choice because he was supporting a friend, he apparently messaged me before he went telling me he was going, coincidentally the message failed to send! We got into a huge argument about it and he's been apologising and saying it won't happen again but my trust has wavered ALOT! I don't deal well with people breaking promises, especially those close to me, and my trust doesn't come easy! So I'm pretty annoyed he breached my trust boundary. He said he knows he did wrong and that he should have told me and that it won't happen again(we'll see!). It got me thinking though of other things...

 

When we're together he seems to get loads of messages on Facebook, his phone is going off all the time, when he gets a message he turns his phone away, the same as the other day he showed me something in our chat on Facebook but when he clicked back to his inbox he turned his phone away. When he for example shows me a photo in his gallery, he won't let me look at his gallery and he'll tell me to look away until he's found the photo because, and I quote, "it's a surprise"- this is a regular thing he does. I don't know if I'm over worrying but since he didn't tell me of his antics and broke a promise I'm finding it hard to stop my mind wondering. He just seems to like having attention. I don't know if I'm over thinking or what but adding it all up it looks so weird.

 

Another thing I keep thinking is a guilty conscious accuses an innocent mind.. The amount of times he's accused me of liking someone or messaging someone and he looks through my phone, reads through my messages and looks at my call history, I have absolutely nothing to hide, but it's like he convinces himself that I do have something to hide because he does...

 

Wow I'm so confused I think I may need another glass of champagne at this rate...

xox

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  • 2 months later...

It's never easy, is it... Things just seem to rush by in an instant and stuff gets messy. I ended the relationship with my controlling boyfriend. But stupidly, we still talk and I've seen him twice since. I know what you must be thinking, "What an idiot", trust me so am I! I just keep finding myself weaving a real tangled Web...

 

I never imagined this could happen to me. I heard stories before of people being in controlling and manipulative relationships and I genuinely thought it was such an overreaction, that it wasn't as bad as people described. Boy I was wrong. I never realised until I was headed right for self destruction. I got ill, I lost my self confidence, I no longer did the things I wanted too, I was tired all the time, I lost my job, I never got to see my horse or family, I wasn't allowed to speak to friends or my mum, I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes or make up or perfume... I wasn't allowed to be me. He wasn't physically abusive... But mentally abusive? He'd mastered that to a T. I didn't want to be alive, I dreaded waking up in the morning, I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I turned to self harming to distract myself. When we got into an argument and he blamed it on me I craved to hurt myself, I needed too. It was the only thing that made me feel better. He lead me to believe it was me who was the problem and that I had issues... But I wasn't the one with issues. He was.

 

I know that I didn't have it as bad as alot of people, but those emotional scars will stay with me forever. Sometimes I have good days where I don't think of it.. But other days can be bad and filled with nothing but flashbacks.. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone. Emotional blackmail and mental abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Bones and bruises can heal, but mentally you never do.

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How is it you can change so much in 9 months... How can your whole personality be stripped within an instant? How can you not even realise that you are slowly losing yourself in that time? I often wonder why. I didn't know that this would happen to me. Just all of this big, complicated, stinking mess!

 

You know I thought I had it perfect, the job, the horse, the boyfriend, no worries at all. How stupid was I! It was so perfect but then out of nowhere this huge storm hit and erupted into an uncontrollable disaster. And now once again I'm left to pick up the pieces. I struggle to identify how I feel most days, I didn't think it would affect me this much but my sister was right. He'd already sunk his claws so deep that I'd suffer in the long term, even if I didn't realise it. Well now I do.

 

The flashbacks are the worst. The slight reminders of painful memories that flood my head every now and then. I didn't think I would suffer this bad, but the situation still makes itself known quite clearly when I'm alone. I can't stop them. And for those few seconds it's like I'm reliving the bad moments again. The scary thing is that they are so realistic, like I'm still stuck in that moment. I remember his face angry more than happy. That snarly look and the cold eyes. The raised voice that made me flinch away... I remember it all. Controlling and mentally abusive relationships are never easy. And the scars last forever. As do the memories.

 

It's sad though... Knowing that whatever you did for that person it never ever seemed good enough. Nothing ever seemed to please them. To them you were just like everyone else. You know I'm sick of being a light worker. I'm sick of enhancing everyone else's lives and being unhappy myself... It just feels as if I come into people's lives to dig them out of a hole and then in the end they turn around to bite me.

 

There's just an ever growing darkness in my heart. I never used to be this way. I used to be so happy and so sure of myself. I swore I'd never fall apart for anyone. But I did, and it was such a mistake. I swore that my hardest ever decision would be what colour I wanted my nails. Fat chance. Now I'm just left with this cold, empty feeling. Like a stone has been lodged firmly in my chest where my heart should be. I'm trying so hard not to lose it, but I fear it's already too late. I just want to be me again...

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How did I end up like this?! You know I constantly wonder if it's true when they say that you can't be fixed by what broke you... I don't know what the hell is going on in my head, how did I not see that I was just playing with the devil the whole time?! That it was already game over from the start. My head and heart were so pure and so full of hope. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get hurt again. But I went from a cheating scumbag to a manipulative control freak. What an idiot!! Seriously what is wrong with me?! What has to be so wrong with a person that you treat them like sh*t. I tried my damn hardest to make him feel special, to make him feel ontop of the world, to make him feel loved. But all I got in return was control. He controlled and manipulated me into thinking I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone, that I was below him and he was so out of my league. In what world is it okay to do that to someone?! There's so many cruel b*stards out there its unreal. When did it become okay to treat someone like dirt?! I tried so damn hard. The thing that breaks me the most is that it was so perfect to start with, it was so amazing... I should've seen the signs, maybe it was my fault after all? I should have seen what he was trying to do. All of the comments, the "you look better without make up" "I'm glad you like spending time with me instead of friends" "I love it that you choose to talk to me on the phone instead of your mum" they all turned into things he was damn serious about. "Why do you want to wear make up?! It's like you're trying to impress someone, who are you trying to impress?!" "Why do you want to see friends, it worries me what you'll talk about. Promise me you don't want to see friends?!" "Why do you need to talk to your mum you spoke to her the other night it's like you don't want to talk to me" they all became things that I feared. I was terrified to do normal stuff that any 19 would do!! I was scared to spend too long having my nails done, I was scared to wear make up, I had to ask him if it was okay if I called my mum, I didn't dare talk to any friends, I was terrified to go and see my sister, I was scared to go on Facebook or instagram, I was petrified if I accidentally clicked on WhatsApp after I'd replied because it might look as if I was messaging someone else! I was scared to say I wanted to go to sleep at 6 in the morning when I had to be up at 9 for work. I realised the problem eventually. It takes a while. People can tell you over and over but until you accept it yourself you just brush people off with "I'll be fine, yeah I'll leave him" just so they stop talking. But when you accept it yourself reality just smacks you in the face. I was still scared even when I'd accepted I was in a bad relationship, one that drained me, made me feel ill and exhausted me. One that created such an anger from all of the arguing that I lost it over the simplest things. I genuinely didn't know how to cope, I thought I was going crazy. He'd start arguments, then act innocent and convince me I was crazy. It isn't a healthy situation. I eventually started to make excuses, that my phone had a virus and wouldn't let me answer the phone just so I didn't have to talk to him. I promised I'd only do that for that one night, that ended up turning into weeks. Excuse after excuse of why we couldn't talk on the phone. Eventually I started making excuses that my phone had broken so I couldn't text him either and so he'd come to my house and I'd be too terrified to answer, I'd tell my dad not to answer the door. He'd sit outside of my house for ages trying to force me to see him. I'd agree to see him and then get absolutely terrified of the idea so I'd turn my phone off and all of the lights in the house. I'd sit in pitch black, my heart pounding every time I heard a car outside and praying endlessly it wasn't him. It got real bad. I was scared to leave the house. I was scared what people would think. Friends and family started to notice, they'd comment on how tired I looked or how ill I looked and how much weight I'd lost. I couldn't eat without feeling sick, most of the time I just didn't eat because I was too scared of taking too long because I didnt want him to think I was doing something else. I even had to ask him if it was alright if I could eat before I called him. It's been the worst year of my life. I've been through some pretty tough situations but nothing compares to this. He changed so much that he failed to even realise, only accused me of changing. I was still the same, everything about me was still the same. And when he changed I still foolishly tried to see the good in him. I still prayed that he'd be back to normal one day, that I could cope with it for now. It didn't last long. He dragged me down to rock bottom, I didnt want to be alive anymore. I'd often go to bed wishing that I just didn't wake up in the morning, that by some miracle I'd die in my sleep. I self harmed, because it was the only thing that helped at the time. I regret it stupidly now. But like as the scars are there on my skin, they are very much there in my mind. My point being to anyone in a controlling relationships, I know what you are feeling. I know it's scary. I know what it feels like to feel sick to your stomach, to wish you were dead, to wonder if it's you or it it's all your fault. Well let me tell you something, it isn't your fault. You are such a beautiful, beautiful soul that deserves the absolute universe. You deserve everything. You deserve so much more than what you are receiving. Just open your eyes and your heart will follow. And just remember, it may be hard now, but it doesn't rain forever. Keep smiling beautiful❤

~~

Once more into the fray,

Into the last good fight I'll ever know...

Live and die on this day...

Live and die on this day...

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  • 3 weeks later...

I want to be the girl that reads cute inspirational books in a quiet café with a freshly brewed latte or chai tea. Where the hustle and bustle is no bother. Where looking out of the window and seeing the sun shining or even a downpour of rain and still feel content inside and out is an every day thing. I want the eternal happiness, I want those moments of bliss where I feel grounded and at one with myself. I want everything to slow down instead of running at a thousand miles per hour. I want to breathe in the rain drenched pavement and feel free. I need my escape.

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How easy is it to have a peaceful mind? Mine seems so crowded all the time. I'd love to be away from here, just anywhere far away... By the beach or hiding out in an old book store, I'm not fussy. Just anything that will calm my mind. I'm going to be honest, I haven't been happy in a long while. I don't know what I'm lacking... I just always seem to want more from life. I'm sick of waking up every day and not knowing where I stand, I want to find my purpose.. I just wish I had a normal job and a normal boyfriend and a normal family and normal living conditions. But I know how selfish it is of me to say these things, that there's terminally ill people who just wish they could live, but we're allowed to want more from life, right? I don't know what's right and wrong anymore, I don't even know what's normal. I need something to dramatically change my life and make it amazing, ha if only...

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

So something clicked tonight, something that I've been needing for a long while. I watched "How To Be Single" and I know life isn't like a movie but hear me out! If you're recently struggling through a break up this is the best advice I can give you- watch How To Be Single. Yep, put away those tear stained tissues, switch off bloody Bridget Jones' Diary, put down the chocolate and just watch it. Actually probably keep the chocolate.

 

Honestly I've never ever felt clearer... Something has changed. For once I genuinely am not obsessing over the thought of love or relationships. I'm ready to spend time on me. To have time to myself and do whatever the hell I want. There is absolutely no greater thing than having freedom to do whatever you want. I don't care if I have to watch that movie every night, I will do this❤

 

I found the stars❤

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  • 3 weeks later...

Why do people lie? Why do they feel the need to glorify themselves into a fake perfect image? I can't stand liars. This world proves to me over and over again every single day that you really can't trust anyone. It hurts to be lied to.. But the one thing that absolutely rips you apart is being lied to by the only person you've ever trusted in your whole entire life. Because eventually, even they show you that you shouldn't have trusted them.

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  • 3 weeks later...

There's hurt, and then there's this.. The agonising, breath taking, slow suffering commonly known as heart break... But I guess if things didn't hurt we wouldn't be human. In all honesty I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I miss who I was, I miss how I felt. I miss how just a bad day was breaking a nail. I miss how waking up feeling sick would be gone within a few minutes. But now it never is... Now it drags on, the thought of my now messed up life. My head doesn't stop, the pain is constant. And the whole time you try endlessly to convince yourself you're happy. But I'm not, atleast not anymore. It used to be so perfect, everything used to be so sunny and happy, a bad day was never really a bad day. It was amazing. Now though, a good day is never really a good day, and they all just seem to roll into one. An endless torture. I have no idea who I am now, but all I know is that once that hole is punched in your chest, it doesn't leave. I miss being happy, I miss not having to be scared of simple things. My head and heart are troubled, I just fear beyond repair. Help me. Before I lose myself forever.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A whole tub of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie ice cream on the way from dominos accompanied by 7 chicken wings and I still feel no better. It's been 32 minutes and the pleasant telephone lady said it would be here in 30. But that's not the point. No matter how much I drowned myself in a chicken wing and ice cream induced coma, my problems never fade. Which makes watching High School Musical feel very relevant! I have no idea how I feel anymore. My head is a mess. All I know is... I'm not good anymore. I'm not who I was, I have no idea who that person is anymore. I'm not sure of much nowadays, I don't know what or who to believe. I know that no one is to be trusted. I've come to learn relationships are just messy and people's feelings get hurt. I just need to Get My Head In The Game- aha get it?... Save me - But seriously, a year ago I was so happy. A year ago I knew who I was and I was so sure of myself. Everything has changed and now I'm not happy, I haven't been for a while.. The only thing I wonder now is what if I feel this way forever?

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  • 7 months later...

So here's the thing, I know this is utterly crazy, but I'm starting to cave in when it comes to my ex. I feel so sick. We'd been NC for over a month and last weekend was his birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about him and so I messaged, we had an argument and then I blocked him and he came round and we had another argument. I've blocked him since then. And I know I no longer have a right to know these things but I still wonder what he's doing constantly. And I can't comment given some of the things I've been up to but I'm really struggling. I feel so sick. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to hurt. I can't deal with it all over again. I try to distract myself with talking to other people but when it comes to intimacy I get put off, I don't even want another man to be near me let alone touch me after this. I was fine up until his birthday. And now I'm just a mess. I'm struggling to sleep, I don't want to eat, I've had an upset stomach, I feel sick and my head constantly pounds. But it's nothing compared to the constant ache in my heart. I know I sound completely crazy given what happened in that relationship with the control and paranoia and just how ugly it all got, but we still were in each others lives for a long while. I'm just finding it hard to let go. It's suffocating. I constantly think I want him back and then I take a moment to think that actually if we were together again I'd be stressed constantly because I don't trust him, I wouldn't be able to do half the stuff I do now, I'd be back to being so miserable. I know this can't last forever and I know it will pass, but I just wish it happened faster. I just don't know what to do anymore...

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  • 4 months later...

So its been a while. A very long, painful, stressful while. But an even more beautiful recovery... I have no idea where to start if I'm honest. It seems like forever ago. I'm not ashamed to admit I was a fool before, that I'd made some stupid, questionable mistakes. But doesn't everyone? It seemed endless, like there was no recovery, no way out. That I'd be stuck in this messy, controlling and manipulative relationship for the rest of my life. That's a scary thought.

 

 

It's taken a long time to get my head in a good place, a very long time. And undeniably even now I have bad days. But I'm getting there, and I will get there. I'm determined, this will never beat me. Looking back, I have no idea how I stayed for so long. But I know in that moment I was absolutely terrified. In that moment I was scared of my own shadow. But not now, its all so much different now.

 

It was rough to start with, it was hard sitting wondering what he was up to and who he was with. It was difficult to picture him with someone else and to constantly wonder if he'd treat her different to how he'd treated me. To wonder if there was a reason as to why he treated me the way he did. But then I realised that he was just like that as a person, that he'd never change. That I'd never be able to be happy with a person who couldn't even let me be myself for five seconds without going absolutely crazy at me. I knew it had to come to an end, I knew if I wanted to be happy it had to be without him. I knew I'd rather take my life than spend it the way I was. And I know that sounds dark, but the reality was far from rainbows and sunshine. The hardest part was accepting in my own head that I'd wasted so much time of my life being with this person, but I guess it wasn't a total waste, it taught me valuable life lessons. It wasn't easy, but I guess I needed it in some weird way.

 

I went on a date, trying to meet someone new, it seemed like the best idea at the time. He turned out to be a jerk, but I was still okay. I slept with an ex, to distract me once again. That helped for a while. If you have read my previous posts in other threads you'd see I did have a moment of contacting the controlling ex, seeing him and then arguing. And hearing him banging on the gate calling me every name under the sun and blaming me for breaking his key, that he threw, was the final closure I needed. The final thing that made me realise just what a terrible person was. I stayed stood against the wall for a while, silently listening for the sound of his car to fade. And when it did I poured my heart out. I cried for hours. I needed it. I needed to hurt in order to realise I deserved so much better than what I was receiving. That he was never, nor will ever, be good for me. That was it as far as contact went. The days that followed were difficult. Staying in bed seemed so much easier than facing the world. But then I realised I was free, I was free to do whatever I wanted. This wasn't exactly an amazing thing on some terms.

 

I slept around a bit. Quite a lot. I didn't want anything involving feelings, but I didn't want to be alone. Commitment scared me, I had a pretty valid reason. It worked, it showed me to not get attached to every person I got involved with. It taught me what I want, as crazy as that sounds. It seemed so much easier, to just sleep with a guy and never have to contact him again. It was freedom. I'd been so caged for so long. I met a guy I liked, like really really liked. He made me feel better, I related to him on a lot of levels. He just got me, he was understanding and so caring. He was honest and wanted me for me. He had bipolar... it didn't last long before we fell out. I was begging for forgiveness, he was ignoring me. I felt like a fool. We made up, but it wasn't the same after. We had a massive argument at the end of July, he blocked me on everything, no matter how many times I text, I was ignored. I was devastated, I'd opened up to this person after being so distant and emotionally unavailable to everyone else. I missed him a lot. I didn't want to talk to anyone else. I didn't want to be around anyone. I held onto the thought he'd message again one day.

 

 

Then it took a different turn. I met a FWB, we got on, we enjoyed each others company, but there were no feelings. And that worked for us. It was what made us happy. I liked being around him, I stopped sleeping with other guys, he was a good friend. He met a girl he wanted to settle down with, and I was really happy for him. He was a great guy, he deserved to meet someone he wanted to spend his life with. We agreed to still stay friends. But then a month after I found I was pregnant (as mentioned in another thread). That was hard, it was hard knowing it wasn't the right situation for me. That I had life plans and things I had to commit to before I even thought about kids. I decided to tell him, it was the scariest thing I've ever done. I was scared he'd end that call and leave me to deal with it on my own. I was terrified. He was incredibly supportive, said that he would come with me to the appointment for the termination. I knew it was the right thing to do, the sensible thing. I am in no way financially stable to offer a comfortable life for a child. It would have been selfish of me to bring a child into the world. Anyway, it came to the appointment, he'd completely distanced himself, I didn't hear from him, he ignored my messages. I was hurt. I was hurt because I thought friends were supposed to be there, that this was as much his problem as it was mine. The thing that hurt more was that it was his best friend there for me rather than him himself, he didn't want to know. I was pregnant with twins. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought I was fine, until he so cowardly messaged the next day asking how it went and then so feebly apologising. I knew that was it, I knew then that I didn't want this person in my life even as a friend. That if you couldn't even be there for an hour to support me in something that is quite possibly the hardest decision you could ever face, then I didn't want him anywhere near me again. I didn't reply to his apology. I knew it would hurt me more if I did.

 

The days following were difficult, and now three weeks after the termination, I'm feeling a lot better in myself. My head feels clearer. But there's now one issue, the bipolar guy I mentioned not far up messaged me today asking if we could talk. There's nothing to talk about. I tried so hard to be there for him. I argued effortlessly trying to make him see that I was there for him, that I wouldn't give up on him no matter what he said. That I understood his struggles, that life wasn't always rosy and that I'd be there for him on dark days to help him through. That he shouldn't be afraid to let me in. I tried so hard, but he'd blocked me anyway. But to then unblock me today and act like nothing happened? It stopped me in my tracks a little. I'd waited for this day to come for ages. And when it finally did, I felt so sick. I wanted to just shut off. I've been troubling myself all day, and I know I shouldn't. I guess I just want answers, I want to know why he messaged again after all this time. I didn't go to see him, I couldn't handle it. Not after everything I've been through the past few weeks, I couldn't deal with more hurt.

 

I feel okay now, in this moment, I'm fine. I've pushed him out of my mind, as hard as it is. But the unspoken words still lie, the unanswered questions. But I know now, I know my peace of mind is more important. That I need to put myself first in this situation and continue to look after my own well being. Its been such a long process, none of it has been easy. But that's life I guess, its not always roses, but it sure is beautiful. The freedom, accepting the happiness of being single. Accepting that you don't need a man/woman in your life to make you feel better. That's self happiness. That's independence. Looking back at how far you've come and seeing how strong you are now. That's something. That being happy, really genuinely being happy, really does start with yourself. The ride was hard as hell, but the recovery, the comeback, its the best thing in the world...

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  • 2 weeks later...

He's something close to perfect. He's funny, relatable, challenges me, stimulates my mind and genuinely makes me happy. I'm going to be totally honest, since the abortion I didn't want to get close to any guy. I didn't want anything to do with any guy at all. I knew it was time to spend some time on my own. That the hurt that came with letting someone in just wasn't worth it... But this guy... just wow. I wasn't even looking for it, that's what makes it so different. It just feels right, so real and easy. I've never ever met anyone like him, he's honestly incredible. He genuinely just gets me. Nothing feels like a rush. It genuinely feels like I've known him forever. Even though realistically I've only known him two months. Before I just was so standoffish with him. But now, I'm glad I've given him a chance. It genuinely feels like falling for my best friend. I've never felt like this about anyone. Not in this way. Guys before made me feel like it was a rush, and I had to put on a front. He makes me feel so comfortable already.

 

I never wanted to feel this way about someone for a long while. But with him, it seems so easy. I trust him. Like fully trust him. And that's a huge thing for me. I know its still early days yet, but this time I'm just not worried. I feel confident about this one. Really confident. I just remember simple things in the day and catch myself smiling like an absolute idiot. I pray this does work out, because it would hurt so bad if it didn't. I've had enough of half arsed "situationships". Of fake effort and empty promises. This, this right now is perfect.

 

Forget every guy before, the bi polar guy, the many exs, the FWB, forget them all. Right now I see why they never worked out.

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Its safe to say I received a strange look as I approached the checkout of Waterstones with four books specifically about Psychopaths and Notorious Serial Killers and then proceeded to ask if my copy of The Lucifer Effect had arrived -I'm not crazy- Promise! But I am however on my fourth iced coffee and I feel as high as a kite on just four hours sleep, so you could say I'm pretty much close to 'insanity'. But life is good, I'm happy, I'm finally getting my life in check and educating myself. In fact, that's an understatement, I really couldn't be happier right now. Who could have known life could get so much better?! Its the best thing in the whole entire world and I'm loving every second. This is happiness, its sitting in a cute little coffee shop, watching the world go by. It finally feels like freedom. It finally feels like me...

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  • 5 weeks later...

You know the feeling right? When you see or hear something that absolutely shatters your heart and you can literally feel it break into a thousand pieces? If you haven't felt it, I honestly pray you never do. I feel sick to my stomach. Love? ha, that obviously means nothing to most people nowadays. How could you just give up on someone when you say you "love" them? How could you give up so easy? These life lessons are tearing my heart out. I know they always happen for a reason but this hurts. This is the kind of hurt that takes your breath away and takes a while to kick in. It doesn't hit straight away, but when it does, nothing feels worse. You just find yourself staring into space, the silence just gets uncomfortably loud. And you aren't 100% sure if you're going to throw up or cry your heart out first. I've been through stuff before, but this is absolute agony, it tops it all... Please, please just save me from myself.

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I hate this, I hate not feeling good enough. Why does this always happen, every single time. I’m so so sick of not being good enough. This isn’t love, not on his part. I get it, he really doesn’t care does he. No guy that actually loves you lets you feel this way. Maybe its time to take a step back. I just want someone to fight for me, just once. That’s it. Just one time. I want him to fight for me, but I guess everything happens for a reason doesn’t it. And I guess you just have to let the universe guide you sometimes. I hate this part. I hate the hurt. Why can’t he see I’m so completely in love with him. Why can’t he see I’m willing to give him the absolute world. But I guess you can’t make someone love you. You can’t make people feel things for you. If he can let you go to sleep upset, I guess he just isn’t the one. That absolutely kills me to say, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. But the truth hurts. Its so much easier to lie to yourself. To tell yourself they care just so you don’t spend weeks feeling sick and making excuses for them. The truth is, don’t make excuses for anyone. No one has a gun to their head. They act on their own behalf. So honestly if someone treats you like crap, don’t give them an excuse. The way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel. That hurts, it hurts a lot to accept it, but hurting yourself with the truth now makes the hurt easier in the long run. Trust me, I’ve been there time and time before. I feel so ill, I can’t deny that. I feel like I’m about to throw up in all honesty. But we’re allowed to feel. So throw up, cry your eyes out and completely let yourself fall apart if you must. I have to be honest, it’s so easy to sit here behind a laptop screen and throw out advice to the world, but in all honesty, I’m terrified to cry. I’m terrified to let myself feel. Because that one person who’s your biggest weakness could tear you apart in a matter of seconds. But if they can’t even call you or tell you they want you and that everything is okay or that they love you and don’t want to let you go to sleep upset, if they can’t do that, it isn’t love. Believe me. This is absolutely tearing me apart, just accepting he literally doesn’t want me. The hardest part is knowing he promised he’d never hurt me. Never believe anyone who says that. Ever. Life isn’t a fairy tale. It isn’t Prince Charming on a white horse galloping to your rescue to tell you everything is going to be alright. It isn’t like a movie. Its hard and it hurts sometimes, that’s just the reality of it. But the way you deal with it affects everything. Just don’t lie to yourself. Don’t sugar coat a situation just for your temporary comfort. The best remedy is to be honest with yourself. Its to see the facts and not give anyone an excuse for their crap behaviour. Once you learn to admit the truth to yourself, eventually you’ll be free. Don’t be afraid.

Edited by ExoticDance
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  • 1 month later...

The silence is so loud in my head, it's like a thousand waves crashing all at once. But on the outside, I do nothing but stare blankly. Why are we, as humans, so renowned for chasing this pain? For throwing away our own feelings for the sake of a situation?! Stupidity mainly I guess... There's no other possible way to describe myself than just a complete mess. I can't do this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey ExoticDance. I'm new to this forum and I'm not sure if it's alright to post in your journal, but just wanted to let you know that I read it. It resonated with me and was a beautiful geyser of feelings. Recently I feel as if I'm cut off from every one's emotions. I really want to feel them but they show me only poker faces or shallow feelings, which seriously is not enough to feed my need for feeling others. I have antlers, I walk on the streets longing for seeing pure and strong emotions. But they show me nothing. That's why I registered and found your journal. I really liked your post about being "high as a kite" and feeling maddeningly good... reminded me of some old feelings that I really cherish. Wishing you the best.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi Frazen!!!

 

I'm ever so sorry I have only just seen your comment, I've been soooooo busy!!! I completely understand where you are coming from, some days it feels like you're a completely different species to anyone else. That you think and see the world differently to others, its refreshing but sometimes suffocating when you have no one to relate to. (Its taken me half an hour to type this, I saw a video of an emu playing fetch -best thing I've ever seen and I strongly recommend a watch- I am normal I promise!!) I'm so glad you enjoyed that post, I was convinced for a while that I was talking to a brick wall so I was sooo glad to see you had commented, it means a lot so thank you!!! I hope you are well!xx

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