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Frazen

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About Frazen

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  1. I lack true friends. I'm talking about friends with whom you can talk about philosophical issues, people who try to understand you and feel you. People who have the guts to tolerate strong emotions and don't escape when you tell them of the pain that is eating you away. My partner and I have moved to a new place, and I'm finding it really hard to integrate with the society here. Fortunately, my partner, who is a kind and caring person, is with me and I'm not completely alone, but he's not enough. I have some so-called "friends" here who I see once in a while and we go out together and talk
  2. I used to feel kinda the same way when I was a teenager, dear Awkward. If you feel like you need to talk to someone I'm here.
  3. Well, I used to live apart from my partner for 3 freaking years, because he was on a scholarship from another country and could only come and visit once per year. The cost of the ticket was too much as well, so there was no way I could visit him either. But during those years, even though there was no physical contact, we had a burning love that was even stronger than the present, when we actually live together. We used to chat a lot; written communication is some times much better than verbal. We watched movies at nights and told each other our reactions to the scenes by chatting. It felt as
  4. I have exactly the same problem with my partner. I've been listening to him bellyache at least one hour every day and often he concludes the conversation by saying "you don't understand, you're so detached, you don't even try to help", blaming it all on me, which drives me nuts. I've told him many times to stop nagging so much, because it give us both negative energy. I've also told him that I'm not selfish and I would be totally fine with a little bit of bellyaching if it would make him feel a short-term relief, but certainly this much of it is destructive. I believe putting a lot of eff
  5. You sound so much like my partner. Seeking help from a professional would be good, but aside from that, talk to your wife about how you feel and let her know how serious your condition is. That would make her understand you better and she'd try to help you.
  6. It used to have a similar function for me. The wounds made me forget my mental pain. I used to glorify it, as making the wounds actually felt sublime. The power to do it with my body, to have complete control over my pain made me feel like I'm thick-skinned and strong. But later, I started thinking that it was an indicator of my weakness and need, and I quit doing this after I started hating my state of self-pity. Since then, I try to take the aggression out instead of pointing it towards my own body.
  7. On meaning: When I was 14 I was a wild wolf. I used to run on vast fields of snow, feeling the crisp breeze washing away my grief and lightening my heart. I was roiling with emotions. I had fallen in love, which some times made me scream silently in solitude as I self-harmed, and some times made me laugh with utter ecstasy. I would lie on my back and put together dreams like jigsaw puzzle pieces, imagining how I would continue writing, because I thought that was the thing that would give my life meaning at any time. The gears of my mind worked effortlessly and spouted out ideas. I felt like I
  8. I stare blankly at my laptop. I sip my insipid tea. I sigh, thinking of those glorious days when I was 14 and I had so much to live for. Things have changed so much since then. As an aspiring writer, I've never had any shortage of existential crisis, but this time it hurts, mainly because it is no feeling at all. Because it's not sorrow, anger, or despair. It's an absolute nothingness as empty and abysmal as the outer space. Life has no meaning any more.
  9. I just find it amazing that you've kept this journal for so long. Glad that you're going to let your girlfriend know about your feelings. It's often better to tell them... Also I really like how you express yourself in words. They flow really well with a logic that is unlike the mathematical formulaic logic. It's more like an emotional logic that governs your writing. Take care of your old lizard!
  10. Hey ExoticDance. I'm new to this forum and I'm not sure if it's alright to post in your journal, but just wanted to let you know that I read it. It resonated with me and was a beautiful geyser of feelings. Recently I feel as if I'm cut off from every one's emotions. I really want to feel them but they show me only poker faces or shallow feelings, which seriously is not enough to feed my need for feeling others. I have antlers, I walk on the streets longing for seeing pure and strong emotions. But they show me nothing. That's why I registered and found your journal. I really liked your post abo
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