Is there hope for me?

[Orbital]

Look up and kiss the sky that you didn't get hustled into moving in together simply because her lease was expiring.

 

Wow her mom did this. You dodged a bullet you know, right?

 

What do you mean exactly?

[Orbital]

So, I did text her last night: "I wanted to say that I am thinking about you and I miss you. Hope you you're having a good evening." She replied with, "This is not easy for me either, but I have to step back. I hope you understand. I hope your birthday was a special day for you. Have a good night.

 

I don't respond and then about and hour and half later she texts, "Just know that everything I wrote you in that email last year was true. You were the only guy I wanted to spend my time with. You were the love of my life."

 

I texted about and hour after that and wrote, "After I met you, I knew you were the one. This is all a mistake to me and I feel like I just didn't communicate very well. It's frustrating to me. I don't know what to do."

 

 

Why would she even write that after I didn't respond? I feel like she is sitting around pondering.

[Orbital]

Update: She wrote again this morning, "There were many reasons why this wasn't working. Someone that asks if you can renew your lease is someone that did not want to move in at that time. You have to take ownership of it and I feel like you aren't at all. We had an hour conversation about why this relationship wasn't working on Monday and I'm sad that you don't seem to remember that. I'm officially backing away now because this is just causing the stress I was trying to avoid. I hope you have a good weekend."

 

My response: I asked you to see about renewing because we had not actively looked anywhere and it just seemed like an option. I'm telling you that I would move in. I actually was excited. I remember the conversation. I wouldn't be hurting this much if I didn't want to be with you. it has nothing to do with being alone, either.

[Wiseman2]

Wow do you really need a daily relationship-postmortem text from her about why it sucked and ended and so on? Please block her.

[Orbital]

I need to convince her that I want to be with her.

[Jibralta]

So, I did text her last night: "I wanted to say that I am thinking about you and I miss you. Hope you you're having a good evening." She replied with, "This is not easy for me either, but I have to step back. I hope you understand. I hope your birthday was a special day for you. Have a good night.

 

I don't respond and then about and hour and half later she texts, "Just know that everything I wrote you in that email last year was true. You were the only guy I wanted to spend my time with. You were the love of my life."

 

Update: She wrote again this morning, "There were many reasons why this wasn't working. Someone that asks if you can renew your lease is someone that did not want to move in at that time. You have to take ownership of it and I feel like you aren't at all. We had an hour conversation about why this relationship wasn't working on Monday and I'm sad that you don't seem to remember that. I'm officially backing away now because this is just causing the stress I was trying to avoid. I hope you have a good weekend."

 

Orbital, she is just plain mean. And manipulative. I hope that one day you are able to see that.

[Orbital]

 

Orbital, she is just plain mean. And manipulative. I hope that one day you are able to see that.

 

How do you think she is manipulative?

 

Is she able to justify what she is doing based on what I did? I would move in with her...I don't know why she can't see that.

[Jibralta]

I would move in with her...I don't know why she can't see that.

 

She can see that perfectly well. Everybody can. The problem is, you're overly guilty about it. She sees that, and is leading you around by your nose, playing on your over-developed sense of guilt. Taking advantage of it. That's what I mean by manipulation. Most people wouldn't have such a long and dragged out episode over such a simple issue. A short conversation would clear things up for most people.

[Orbital]

She can see that perfectly well. Everybody can. The problem is, you're overly guilty about it. She sees that, and is leading you around by your nose, playing on your over-developed sense of guilt. Taking advantage of it. That's what I mean by manipulation. Most people wouldn't have such a long and dragged out episode over such a simple issue. A short conversation would clear things up for most people.

 

And she is mad because she thinks I'm just saying it now that she's giving up I guess. She's also very mad that she had to go find another place. So, I guess she thinks it's too late even though I told her I would move in to whatever new place she found.

[Orbital]

She can see that perfectly well. Everybody can. The problem is, you're overly guilty about it. She sees that, and is leading you around by your nose, playing on your over-developed sense of guilt. Taking advantage of it. That's what I mean by manipulation. Most people wouldn't have such a long and dragged out episode over such a simple issue. A short conversation would clear things up for most people.

 

Why do you think she is doing this?

[Jibralta]

Some people are like that. It's who they are, and it can't be changed.

 

There's a fable that illustrates the nature of the dynamic, called The Frog and the Scorpion.

 

A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, saying, "If I let you close to me, you will sting me."

But the scorpion argues, "If I sting you, we will both drown."

Considering this, the frog agrees to take the scorpion across the river. But midway across, the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both.

The frog asks the scorpion "Why, did you sting me?"

The scorpion replies, "Because I'm a scorpion."

[lostlove76]

Planning to move in together, and then one person backing out at the very last second, is no small deal. I would be extremely hurt and angry as well. To her, it looked like he was waffling on his commitment (and she was already worried about his inability to make decisions, so this just confirmed it). And also, she had to scramble around and find somewhere else to live, which is hugely stressful. She managed to find somewhere, so now they can't live together - which probably feels like a step back in the relationship rather than forward. I'd be wary about contuining with the relationship, too. If he had given more like a month or two notice that he wanted her to renew her lease and them not move in together, they would have had time to discuss it - but he only gave a day or two. What is she supposed to do with that? She's taking a step back and rethinking things. She's not being mean; it seems she's being polite, she sent a nice bday message, and she seems to feel bad for his feelings. But she's also reconsidering whether this is a person/relationship that can be trusted and counted on in the future.

 

That's just the way I see it, having been in her position. When she says that if she lets it go he'll think it's okay to treat her that way, well, that's true. We teach people how to treat us. If we're okay with commitment-waffling, then it will continue. It's not about punishment, it's about sticking up for oneself and setting boundaries.

[Jibralta]

Actually, I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, when my boyfriend waffled about moving into my apartment. It had been the plan for two years, but when it came time for him to sign the lease, he got cold feet. I was pissed. But I'm an adult, and I can manage my emotions. I said, "We need to figure out right now what you want to do. If you decide not to move in with me, I will find another place to live. But don't expect to be my boyfriend after that. I will not make any more decisions in my life with you in mind." Period.

 

He moved in. If he hadn't moved in, I would have moved on as I said.

 

I didn't drag it on for a week with the silent treatment, or "How can I trust you anymore.? I thought you were The One."

 

I was hurt. I was angry. But I didn't use that as an excuse to be spiteful. After he moved in, I let it drop. I didn't hold it over his head like it was some big crime, and I never will. It was a temporary moment of doubt.

 

In Orbital's case, his grandmother had died. Doesn't he get a little time to collect himself?

 

Orbital's girlfriend was planning to move out, anyway. AND he said he was willing to live with her now, that he wasn't backing out.

 

Again, she told me initially that she would leave this apartment anyway.

 

I told her that I would live with her NOW and I was never officially backing out

 

She is just refusing to let it go.

[Orbital]

Actually, I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, when my boyfriend waffled about moving into my apartment. It had been the plan for two years, but when it came time for him to sign the lease, he got cold feet. I was pissed. But I'm an adult, and I can manage my emotions. I said, "We need to figure out right now what you want to do. If you decide not to move in with me, I will find another place to live. But don't expect to be my boyfriend after that. I will not make any more decisions in my life with you in mind." Period.

 

He moved in. If he hadn't moved in, I would have moved on as I said.

 

I didn't drag it on for a week with the silent treatment, or "How can I trust you anymore.? I thought you were The One."

 

I was hurt. I was angry. But I didn't use that as an excuse to be spiteful. After he moved in, I let it drop. I didn't hold it over his head like it was some big crime, and I never will. It was a temporary moment of doubt.

 

In Orbital's case, his grandmother had died. Doesn't he get a little time to collect himself?

 

Orbital's girlfriend was planning to move out, anyway. AND he said he was willing to live with her now, that he wasn't backing out.

 

 

 

 

 

She is just refusing to let it go.

 

Do you think there is anyway to get her back?

[Wiseman2]

Why would she believe you or count on that at this point? You are trying to backpedal and that's where your "convincing" is going sideways.

I guess she thinks it's too late even though I told her I would move in to whatever new place she found.

[Orbital]

Why would she believe you or count on that at this point? You are trying to backpedal and that's where your "convincing" is going sideways.

 

 

There's gotta be something I can do? I can't deal with this. I'm at a wedding right now and it's making me wanna die

[Jibralta]

Why would she believe you or count on that at this point? You are trying to backpedal and that's where your "convincing" is going sideways.

 

Wiseman, she never needed to count on him. She was planning to move regardless of whether he moved in with her. It's her own fault for not following through on that.

[Orbital]

Wiseman, she never needed to count on him. She was planning to move regardless of whether he moved in with her. It's her own fault for not following through on that.

 

When I saw her last Monday she brought up all of these other issues like me being on my phone too much, spending too much time with friends, etc.

 

Why did she wanna move in?!

 

I'm thinking about going to her current place Wednesday and just telling her that I have to let my apt know by Friday if I am staying. I will tell her one last time that I will move in to whatever place she is found. She can't make me feel guilty if I am telling her that I am not backing out.

[Orbital]

When I saw her last Monday she brought up all of these other issues like me being on my phone too much, spending too much time with friends, etc.

 

Why did she wanna move in?!

 

I'm thinking about going to her current place Wednesday and just telling her that I have to let my apt know by Friday if I am staying. I will tell her one last time that I will move in to whatever place she is found. She can't make me feel guilty if I am telling her that I am not backing out.

 

Should I do this or could NC help fix my relationship?

[Orbital]

Should I do this or could NC help fix my relationship?

 

Can someone talk to me? I'm freaking out today. I want to go to her place and let her know that I was misunderstood! Just a few weeks ago I thought we would have a place together.

[lostlove76]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. She asked for space, so it seems like that might be the only thing you can do. It sounds like she shut off her feelings to some extent when this happened and made a decision that the relationship wasn't working. I'm really sorry! I know you're hurting. Could you even move into her new place? Does she have roommates? It might not be possible for you to live there too. Have you explained to her exactly why you freaked out about moving in?

[Jibralta]

She can't make me feel guilty if I am telling her that I am not backing out.

 

Actually, she can't make you feel guilty if you don't let her.

 

There's a book you may want to check out. I think it's called Codependent No More. It may give you some insight into the nature of the dynamic that you have here, and provide solutions to some of these problems.

[Orbital]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. She asked for space, so it seems like that might be the only thing you can do. It sounds like she shut off her feelings to some extent when this happened and made a decision that the relationship wasn't working. I'm really sorry! I know you're hurting. Could you even move into her new place? Does she have roommates? It might not be possible for you to live there too. Have you explained to her exactly why you freaked out about moving in?

 

She has signed a lease with another place and has to move out of her current place by April 30. I have to let my apt know by Friday if I'm staying. I'm going over there today to tell her. It's my final offer that I will move into the new place. I'm bringing flowers and a cd I had bought for her a few weeks ago(she knows about it, but I forgot to give it to her). I'm not expecting her to let me take her back into my arms, but I want her to know that I tried. That I love her, and that no relationship is perfect. I'm willing to work, and I wouldn't abandon her.

[lostlove76]

She has signed a lease with another place and has to move out of her current place by April 30. I have to let my apt know by Friday if I'm staying. I'm going over there today to tell her. It's my final offer that I will move into the new place. I'm bringing flowers and a cd I had bought for her a few weeks ago(she knows about it, but I forgot to give it to her). I'm not expecting her to let me take her back into my arms, but I want her to know that I tried. That I love her, and that no relationship is perfect. I'm willing to work, and I wouldn't abandon her.

 

I hope it goes well. I wish my ex would have done that for me when I finally cut him off for good. Instead, he gave up. At least you'll know that you tried, and she will know that you do care. Let us know what happens.

[Orbital]

I hope it goes well. I wish my ex would have done that for me when I finally cut him off for good. Instead, he gave up. At least you'll know that you tried, and she will know that you do care. Let us know what happens.

 

It went well. She was happy and took the flowers and cd. She told me she loves me and has feelings for me, but she said she wants me to work on how I react to her. How defensive I get about things. I told her that I wasn't expecting us to jump right into things. That we both need work. We talked a while and laughed about things, so it was a positive experience. I wanted to leave her with that.