Confused, Lost, and don't know what to do with my relationship

[Yober]

First I would like to thank anyone ahead of time who is willing to take time out of their day to reply to this, as for months I have been having a strong emotional battle with myself.

 

I am a 17 year old male, junior in highschool. A little over a year ago after dealing with rough relationships in the past, I finally moved on and found a girl that I thought I could really make something last with. Since we have started dating, she has struggled with very chronic depression and anxiety, and she carries a horrible self image. Throughout the relationship I have done anything in my power to support her, and make her feel better. Unfortunately, her depression would usually outweight any of my efforts, and it would lead to arguments over the smallest and petty things. It got to the point where she would completely shut me out at times, so stuck in her own world and we would go days without talking. After this going on for months and months, the relationship seems to be on an endless downward spiral. Majority of things I do are wrong in her eyes, and she expects me to change a lot of things about myself and my personality. On the inside I feel as if she only loves me because I am there for her, since she doesn't really have any friends. I feel she wants me simply because I am there in general, not because I am actually what she wants. I have a lot of trouble telling what is causing the problems majority of the time, as her parents degrade her with mean comments, she has little to no friends, her anxiety makes school very hard on her, and she constantly gets angry at me for things she feels I do wrong. Today she described it as "a sour relationship" and preceded to degrade herself and say how i never loved her and how nobody will ever love her and she is worth nothing and everything in her life is wrong. She told me that she is done talking to me, and if i want the relationship to continue then i need to figure something out. I am emotionally torn and confused over this whole situation, and this paragraph being all over the place probably makes it noticeable. I would love for input and advice on the situation, as I truly feel lost inside. If you would like me to explain more about the situation or elaborate on something i said above I would be happy to, I just need help.

 

Thank you again to anyone who is willing to leave a reply.

[Wiseman2]

You're a very smart guy. It sounds like she's draining you and pulling you down along with her. She needs therapy, not a relationship.

 

Unfortunately agree that this may be the case 6777446]On the inside I feel as if she only loves me because I am there for her, since she doesn't really have any friends. I feel she wants me simply because I am there in general, not because I am actually what she wants.

[melancholy123]

She needs some serious therapy and you cannot provide that, she needs a professional. You can encourage her to get some help, tho she may not listen to you. You may have to back out of this relationship as it's not working and cannot work until she gets herself sorted out.

[jujusamples]

It is very admirable of you to try to stick this through with your girlfriend.

 

I suffer from Major Depression/anxieties and now figuring out that I might have OCD. My husband chose to marry me knowing that I was diagnosed with a mental illness when we first got engaged. For that reason, I got myself all the help I could get.

 

My advice to to you is that, you can not help your girlfriend with this. Only SHE could help herself through this. She could put the blame on you for however long she wants, but she's just prolonging her recovery time. The first step to getting better is to acknowledge you have a problem. She has to realize how her behavior is, and what is right from wrong.

 

The only way to go about that is to get professional help. I have seen many many doctors throughout the years to help me get through this. Not only do I have a few psychiatrist, physiologist, I also attend group therapy. When the therapy helped me reached a point where I needed to work on my self esteem, I accompanied that with exercise. Which helps me not only feel better but look better. In other words, more self confidence.

 

All of that have taken a lot of work, more work than a full time job. I started 1 step at a time. So after all of that, I realized, I'm the only one that could help myself. No one could have made me do all of that. My husband is just someone whom supports me through it. When I'm really down and about to give up, he encourages me on to keep going. That's probably the only and most important support you could give your girlfriend. When I lash out or say something that makes no sense to my husband, he tells me to see my therapist. (which is the right thing to do) You are not a professional, as someone whom is suffering from mental illness, it's very easy for you to say the wrong thing that could set her off. It's called mental illness for a reason.

 

With that all being said, I would encourage your girlfriend to get some help. Continue to get those professional help even if she feels she's better. Believe with the right therapist and help, she could get better.

 

You are taking way too much on yourself. You shouldn't have to. Sooner or later, you are going to end up getting drag down from all the emotional abuse that you will have depression. It's tough because I know your girlfriend can't help it because that's what depression is; "always having negative thoughts", "the world is against you". Without therapy and group therapy, I wouldn't have realized it and become aware of my behavior.

 

That's the first step, she needs to be aware when she's doing those things. That will happen with the help of a professional, you won't be able to handle it.

[Yober]

It is very admirable of you to try to stick this through with your girlfriend.

 

I suffer from Major Depression/anxieties and now figuring out that I might have OCD. My husband chose to marry me knowing that I was diagnosed with a mental illness when we first got engaged. For that reason, I got myself all the help I could get.

 

My advice to to you is that, you can not help your girlfriend with this. Only SHE could help herself through this. She could put the blame on you for however long she wants, but she's just prolonging her recovery time. The first step to getting better is to acknowledge you have a problem. She has to realize how her behavior is, and what is right from wrong.

 

The only way to go about that is to get professional help. I have seen many many doctors throughout the years to help me get through this. Not only do I have a few psychiatrist, physiologist, I also attend group therapy. When the therapy helped me reached a point where I needed to work on my self esteem, I accompanied that with exercise. Which helps me not only feel better but look better. In other words, more self confidence.

 

All of that have taken a lot of work, more work than a full time job. I started 1 step at a time. So after all of that, I realized, I'm the only one that could help myself. No one could have made me do all of that. My husband is just someone whom supports me through it. When I'm really down and about to give up, he encourages me on to keep going. That's probably the only and most important support you could give your girlfriend. When I lash out or say something that makes no sense to my husband, he tells me to see my therapist. (which is the right thing to do) You are not a professional, as someone whom is suffering from mental illness, it's very easy for you to say the wrong thing that could set her off. It's called mental illness for a reason.

 

With that all being said, I would encourage your girlfriend to get some help. Continue to get those professional help even if she feels she's better. Believe with the right therapist and help, she could get better.

 

You are taking way too much on yourself. You shouldn't have to. Sooner or later, you are going to end up getting drag down from all the emotional abuse that you will have depression. It's tough because I know your girlfriend can't help it because that's what depression is; "always having negative thoughts", "the world is against you". Without therapy and group therapy, I wouldn't have realized it and become aware of my behavior.

 

That's the first step, she needs to be aware when she's doing those things. That will happen with the help of a professional, you won't be able to handle it.

 

First of all thank you for your personal story and the advice, it means a lot. Ever since a month or 2 into our relationship I have been trying to push her to get help. She always tells me that professional help won't do anything and that I should be able to cheer her up all the time. She always says how "You used to always be able to cheer me up. I don't know what happened". Also beyond that she says she is scared of her parents finding out she has these problems, because they are a major part of the problem. All of this pressure to always be able to keep her happy, when its at the point that its rare to even see a smile out of her, really has been affecting my personal happiness. I feel so conflicted because I have strong feelings for her, but the way she acts translates to me seeing someone that I don't recognize, and makes me very unhappy. On one end I want it to end because maybe I can finally move past the endless stress and petty arguments, but on the other hand I think about cutting her out of my life and i feel empty. What do you feel I should do about what she texted me today, with the "The relationship is sour. I will not be talking to you anymore, if you truly want me you will have to do it yourself. If we never talk again i'll know why". Is this relationship too far gone to recover, or am I just being as she says "a selfish ".

 

Thanks a lot in advance for any reply, really helps me a lot to know i can reach out to people even when I feel alone through this website.

[jujusamples]

First of all thank you for your personal story and the advice, it means a lot. Ever since a month or 2 into our relationship I have been trying to push her to get help. She always tells me that professional help won't do anything and that I should be able to cheer her up all the time. She always says how "You used to always be able to cheer me up. I don't know what happened". Also beyond that she says she is scared of her parents finding out she has these problems, because they are a major part of the problem. All of this pressure to always be able to keep her happy, when its at the point that its rare to even see a smile out of her, really has been affecting my personal happiness. I feel so conflicted because I have strong feelings for her, but the way she acts translates to me seeing someone that I don't recognize, and makes me very unhappy. On one end I want it to end because maybe I can finally move past the endless stress and petty arguments, but on the other hand I think about cutting her out of my life and i feel empty. What do you feel I should do about what she texted me today, with the "The relationship is sour. I will not be talking to you anymore, if you truly want me you will have to do it yourself. If we never talk again i'll know why". Is this relationship too far gone to recover, or am I just being as she says "a selfish ".

 

Thanks a lot in advance for any reply, really helps me a lot to know i can reach out to people even when I feel alone through this website.

 

No, you are not being selfish, SHE is! How does she expect you to make her feel happy? You are not a professional in mental illness. If she refuses to get help, than I'm not sure what else to tell you. You could either stay with her and be miserable or end things with her. Maybe she has to hit rock bottom to realize it and go and get help.

 

She's putting way too much pressure on you. If she can not take the necessary steps for her own happiness, how does she expect you to do it? I'll be honest, no one can, she could only help herself. That's by going to seek professional help. I used to think like her and deny I have a problem. I would make up the same excuses, those therapist don't know what they are talking about. Truth is, they do! She just needs to find one that is compatible with her and she will realize how much they could help her get through this.

 

I think you need to end it with her right now. Work on yourself, to get yourself back up. At the same time, it's good to let her have NO ONE to rely or blame her negative thoughts on and maybe she will seek help.

 

In regards to her texting you with this relationship is sour, well it's just her negative thoughts that's making believe and think that way. She needs therapy and I mean that in the nicest possible.

[Yober]

No, you are not being selfish, SHE is! How does she expect you to make her feel happy? You are not a professional in mental illness. If she refuses to get help, than I'm not sure what else to tell you. You could either stay with her and be miserable or end things with her. Maybe she has to hit rock bottom to realize it and go and get help.

 

She's putting way too much pressure on you. If she can not take the necessary steps for her own happiness, how does she expect you to do it? I'll be honest, no one can, she could only help herself. That's by going to seek professional help. I used to think like her and deny I have a problem. I would make up the same excuses, those therapist don't know what they are talking about. Truth is, they do! She just needs to find one that is compatible with her and she will realize how much they could help her get through this.

 

I think you need to end it with her right now. Work on yourself, to get yourself back up. At the same time, it's good to let her have NO ONE to rely or blame her negative thoughts on and maybe she will seek help.

 

In regards to her texting you with this relationship is sour, well it's just her negative thoughts that's making believe and think that way. She needs therapy and I mean that in the nicest possible.

 

Thank you so much for the advice. It means a lot, god bless.

[KantSleep]

I see your predicament. You love her, but she has many issues that you can't fix. She wants you to fix them, but you are not equipped to do so. It's OK to walk away from this. Tell her you would like to be her friend, and try to split amicably. It's not your responsibility to figure out how to cheer her up. This is way too much for anyone, let alone a 17 yr. old, to try and figure out. Yes, you will feel empty without her as your girlfriend, but that will subside over time. Right now you are confused and conflicted, which is perfectly normal. But remember, you are not a doctor and you can't solve her serious issues. It is admirable that you tried, but it is time she gets the help she needs. Perhaps she could see a school counselor to suggest how she can get help, since her relationship with her parents isn't good. I feel she could spiral downward even further, without some kind of plan to get her on track. None of this is your fault, nor it is her fault she has these conditions. I am not saying you can't revisit the relationship once she is stabilized with the proper help, but for now, I think this is too much for a man of your age to be dealing with. Good luck.