Am I that bad of a person?

[Harp123]

Hello,

 

Before i really explain my situation, i'd just like to mention that I am dealing with depression for the past 2.5 yrs, the past 5 years have been very rocky for me.

 

So as I have grown up, I had many friends, through school, outside of school, college, uni etc, but it seemed like i would only be with them for a certain amount of time and somehow id drift apart and end up in another group, through school i went through 4 groups, and it seemed like everyone stuck together but me, i floated from one to the other. But at that point it was easy to make friends, and as we know the older we get the smaller the circle gets. When i went to uni i was diagnosed with depression, i had a group of girls at home who were my bestfriends, but because i was living out, i somehow cut myself off from them, living out was keeping me away from issues at home, and i made the mistake of not being a friend that i should have been. so eventually i lost the girls, accepting my mistakes i decided to move on. at the same time i was part of another group at home that i wasnt that close to but after uni we got closer. Everything was great, they seemed to understand that i wasnt well mentally and they were supportive.. i really thought i had found friends for life. I know i hadnt always been great company because sometimes id be down, or quiet, i saw them getting closer to eachother, and soon i became an outsider. I spoke to them and they told me where i went wrong and ofc i tried my hardest to rectify my mistakes. everything was well, and suddenly now I find out that they have a whatsapp group without me, and that have even started to go out without me. When i see their pictures of them going out i end up in tears, i understand not everyone knows what depression is and it is hard to be around someone who is depressed but i thought i was doing well. I have been wanting to ask them but im at such a weak point, i have no strength to hear that they choose eachother over me. Depression is becoming very painful. I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to, i feel so empty, all i end up with is memories and pictures, and once again im the on floating. I really thought they loved me. But now i feel that no one loves me, its making my depression worse, I realise i never have anyone to celebrate anything with. Never has anyone done anything to make their depressed friend feel better, but i never complained because no one is to blame. im scared im being pushed to the edge and il end up doing something stupid. Im alone, scared and frankly sick and tired of living this life. I don't know what i have done to deserve this, i really dont. All i ever did was care and yes i made some mistakes but i ended up alone. this depression is killing me and the girls dont care.

 

help, please

[focus4000]

It really depends on what mistakes you made. But to identify yourself as a "bad" person is a very subjective statement.

 

I know myself have dealt with depression since the age of 18, and have been up and down with how well I have handled things. And I understand the struggle it can have in regards to isolating and stuff like that, as well as not wanting to be the downer when your emotions kick up.

 

But to say you are a bad person because of your depression alone isn't possible, let alone something I would ever personally use as a means of judgement.

[rosephase]

It sounds like you might need a therapist. Someone to help you figure out how to cope. Depression is a rough one. It clouds your vision. And personally? I wouldn't trust my own assessments about how much my friends did or didn't love me, if I was actively depressed. You are seeking the worst story you can tell yourself. That is part of what depression does.

[melancholy123]

Are you getting any counselling or therapy? If not, please consider starting. A qualified therapist could make a big difference in your life.

[agent1607307371]

ith. Never has anyone done anything to make their depressed friend feel better,

 

Ok, I've had/have depression so I'm going to be blunt here - it is not their job to fix you. They cannot fix you. They're your friends, they are not miracle workers. You need to go to the doctor. You need to work at managing it.

 

What I'll also say, is that if you've behaved badly to them, and blamed the depression, that's copping out. Just because you are depressed does not mean you aren't responsible for yourself. And your friends do not have to take bad behavior because of it.

 

Another thing to keep in mind, is that it is harder to make friends as you get older. This is true for everyone. Once you're out of uni it gets harder and people will continually float away from each other. It's a proximity thing, not a value judgement.

[Harp123]

Ok, I've had/have depression so I'm going to be blunt here - it is not their job to fix you. They cannot fix you. They're your friends, they are not miracle workers. You need to go to the doctor. You need to work at managing it.

 

What I'll also say, is that if you've behaved badly to them, and blamed the depression, that's copping out. Just because you are depressed does not mean you aren't responsible for yourself. And your friends do not have to take bad behavior because of it.

 

Another thing to keep in mind, is that it is harder to make friends as you get older. This is true for everyone. Once you're out of uni it gets harder and people will continually float away from each other. It's a proximity thing, not a value judgement.

 

im not saying they should have fixed me, ofc not. What i meant was, ive seen them make each other feel better at the tiniest hunch in their lives, even if one of them just hugged me and said its going to be ok would be comforting, but they always made me feel they chose each and every of them but me. i never behaved bad with them, i just became quiet, which yes im not saying was right but yes im not coping well but i tried my best to fix myself up, i took responsibility and did what they said and well...im back to square one.

[Hollyj]

Are you in counseling or on meds? How are you handling it?

[agent1607307371]

im not saying they should have fixed me, ofc not. What i meant was, ive seen them make each other feel better at the tiniest hunch in their lives, even if one of them just hugged me and said its going to be ok would be comforting, but they always made me feel they chose each and every of them but me. i never behaved bad with them, i just became quiet, which yes im not saying was right but yes im not coping well but i tried my best to fix myself up, i took responsibility and did what they said and well...im back to square one.

 

This is the problem with withdrawing - when you close yourself off from others, they're not going to offer you the same things as the people they are close with. Now, whether you were ever close enough with them, or never were but thought you were, the end result is the same.

 

What are you doing to manage your depression? Have you gone to the doctor?

[Harp123]

Are you in counseling or on meds? How are you handling it?

 

Im starting my meds again.. im not coping atm.. ive become very quiet and constantly upset and irritated.

[Harp123]

This is the problem with withdrawing - when you close yourself off from others, they're not going to offer you the same things as the people they are close with. Now, whether you were ever close enough with them, or never were but thought you were, the end result is the same.

 

What are you doing to manage your depression? Have you gone to the doctor?

 

I guess youre right.. im starting my meds again.. i want to go counselling but doctor is taking ages to refer me. Im about to have a very lonely life if my friends hate me

[agent1607307371]

They don't hate you, that's the depression talking. I'm glad you're starting your meds again, don't forget to take care of yourself while you're on them so you get the best effect.