Advice

[Jusjess]

Been married for 2 years together for 3. Have 2 kids together and he is 10 years younger than me. I have never had trust issues with him before and jusy recently been having thoes feeling in my stomph. We have been having are differences and its been rocky. He has never cheated on me and i have never cheated on him. I am very mean to him alot and have never catered to him because of my issuses of doing so in the past and it not working out. Last week i had mentioned to him that his aunt had left gim a message and to return her call he said oh u checked my messages ans i said yes he said ok ill call her later. Then after that day when i call him and it goes to vm i punch in his code and no msges. I thought that was odd because he had always always had msges drom work that he would not check. Then last night on his way home from work he was working with my nephew and said " the boss said hes gonna buy us a burger" i said ok well have fun ima head out and run errands. Then he said well never mind id rather go with you to help you so ill be home ina few. Last night i had a dream he was cheating and today had that gut feeling as he was leaving to Work. Not sure what to think. Im not the type to cry over it i just dont want to feel and look stupied. Things are really differnt between us and it sucks.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you don't trust him based on dreams and hunches. Why is that? You go through his phone regularly? Is this based on previous experience with a cheating partner?

 

Why are things "rocky and different"? Just wondering why you mentioned this: "I am very mean to him"?

Been married for 2 years.Have 2 kids together and he is 10 years younger than me. We have been having are differences and its been rocky..

[Hollyj]

Do you mother this guy?

[DancingFool]

If I suddenly found out that my SO is checking my messages and getting into my phone, I'd be furious and we would be having a very serious and unpleasant conversation about boundaries within the relationship.

 

It appears that your husband had no idea you are getting into his phone like that. Why are you doing this?

Unfortunately, instead of confronting you about it, he has taken a more passive/aggressive approach of just deleting his messages or perhaps telling people not to leave messages. His reaction and your own snooping is now making you paranoid. Do you see how you are the cause of your own problem?

 

Bottom line is that of course there is tension between the two of you. You have a giant elephant in the room you are not addressing - YOUR snooping.

[Jusjess]

I am not snooping i do not check his phone regularly i check his messages because we run a buisness and that is the number we use. I do nit go through his text msgs or anything like that. No i am not mothering him. I said i treat him mean because yes my previous relationships have a great deal to do with my previous relationships. I am not very affectionate to him and sometimes i am just rude. I know i have to work on things and i guess i have to understand that my past is my past. Thanks for the replys.

[Jadzia]

I am not snooping i do not check his phone regularly i check his messages because we run a buisness and that is the number we use. I do nit go through his text msgs or anything like that. No i am not mothering him. I said i treat him mean because yes my previous relationships have a great deal to do with my previous relationships. I am not very affectionate to him and sometimes i am just rude. I know i have to work on things and i guess i have to understand that my past is my past. Thanks for the replys.

Definitely should work on dealing with your past. Being mean and rude to your husband is never a good thing. Men deserve to be treated nice and with respect. Men do need affection too and to feel wanted. If they aren't getting these things. Don't blame him if he looks elsewhere for it. He is your present not your past. I'd look into counseling.

[Overthinker87]

The only advice I can give is this. I've been on both ends of the spectrum and neither is very fun. So here is what needs to happen. Now it's just an opinion so take it at face value. He should never be punished for your past. That's not his fault. But guess what, you already know that! After so many relationships that's just how you are hard wired! I get it ! He doesn't need to hide anything whether it be his phone or his most intimate thought. In a perfect world we share these things with the person we are sharing what little precious time that we have on this earth. I think some , not all, of his actions are maybe do to your stern outlook and lack of intimacy. But that doesn't excuse all of his actions. Hard reality is this. It always takes two to make it work. Yea, it's hard as hell sometimes. But the best things in life are hard and worth fighting for. In the end , people do not try and fail. They simply fail to try. If nothing changes on your end don't expect him to change things on his end and the same goes for him. It's a team. Fighting the world in a relationship alone is a losing battle. So get past your mental block of the past. How can you move forward if you're always looking back? Don't expect a change. Be the change. Try and try and even try again but in the end if it's only you then don't be a damn fool and keep beating your head against a wall because the wall wins every time. For what it's worth I hope this helps !