How to replace bad thoughts of spouse with good ones

[Unreasonable]

So, I've been off and on here for years and some of you may remember my story abut I'll recap.

 

I've been married for 22 years. My marriage has had its ups and downs over the years, mostly ups overall, but mostly downs over the last 5 years or so. My wife sensed something was up in our marriage, and asked me what I felt about porn with the pretense that she just wanted to know my feelings, wouldn't judge, etc. Well, I'm not going to say I shouldn't have said anything and lied, but the way I handled it was just plain idiotic, and if I could take back anything I've ever done in my marriage that would be it. We "discussed" it (with some hostility) for 2 years straight, at which point I was absolutely sick about the topic and had the epiphany that even if I thought there was nothing wrong with it, if it hurt her, I should do whatever I could do to remove it as a factor in our lives, which I have with some success.

 

In the meantime, because she thought I was putting her as a low priority, she had some communications with at least 3 men that, while they may not have been overtly sexual, crossed the lines of what I consider appropriate (like using them as a confident to talk about our relationship), and then, about 2 years ago, checked out our marriage completely without telling me, but I noticed some red flags about it, like her shutting down every argument we had with things like "then just divorce me." She lost quite a bit of weight and kept it off, then proceeded to have a full blown emotional affair with one of my married co-workers, which I was aware of from pretty much the beginning.

 

At that point I realized our marriage was pretty much effed, and confronted her with what information I had learned about the "Walk-away wife syndrome". Some info here for context:

 

 

 

She basically admitted that was going on. I said I wanted to try to keep our marriage together, and she reluctantly agreed. We bought a few books, and started to go to marriage counselling, during which she was brutally honest and cold. After a while, she started feeling better about our marriage because she felt like I was prioritizing her better, but wouldn't make any commitments. Things started to seem better, but one day I accidentally found a paid e-book on her phone called "The Ethical Sl_t" which one of the other, supposedly "just friend" guys, recommended to her. This guy is a polyamorist, and the book is basically a guide on how to open your monogamous relationship, honestly and openly.

 

Needless to say, this enraged me, although I tried to keep it together the best I could. I found it the height of hypocrisy that someone who put me through the ringer about porn because she wanted to feel like she was "the only girl in the world" would entertain something like this for ONE second. Then again, she can be quite needy and is an attention seeker. I told her flat out that this was a path I could not follow her on and that if she wanted to "date" other men, she could do that as a single woman. She agreed that it probably would never work out and she he told me wasn't really sold on it was just looking into it so she could be more educated about different types of relationships. She dropped the subject, and eventually stopped her emotional affair with my coworker.

 

Fast forward a year or so later, she's done a 180 about wanting to commit to our relationship and be with me "as long as I would keep her" and things have been a lot better. We both admitted that we have said and done a lot of stupid things over the last 4 years and have apologized profusely about how we treated each other.

 

The problem is, when I am alone, and my thoughts are wandering and I think of her, it's not good thoughts. I still have resentment, about her putting me through the wringer about porn under false pretenses, about her hypocrisy, about her emotional affair, lack of trust, and about making it so damn hard for me to try to make things right. I don't think that's what you should think about your spouse in a healthy relationship. I think your first thoughts should be good ones. But I don't know how to get there. I feel like our relationship is still tenuous, like the slightest thing could sink it. How do I get past this?

[Gary Snyder]

Okay, I don't have to tell you, your relationship has serious problems.

 

The big problem is, your wife's love level is low for you. It may be past the point of no return, I don't know. It's at least on the brink. If her love level drops below the point of no return, you'll either have a sucky marriage or divorce at best.

 

But let's assume she still has some love level to work with, let's try to fix it.

 

I don't have much time now, but basically you have to rebuild trust, and give her affection, romance, and respect. That's what builds love, and keeps a woman in love with you.

[gebaird]

I am currently reading the book "'I need you to love me' Is that True?" by Byron Katie. I know it has a weird title, but the message is AMAZING. My wife and I have had our struggles, too, and there have been many occasions over the years when I've found myself thinking I need to walk away. But reading this book is helping me see our relationship, myself, and her more clearly.

 

"It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship." (that's a quote from the book). I can honestly say I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been, and nothing has changed except my thinking.

[Unreasonable]

Okay, I don't have to tell you, your relationship has serious problems.

 

The big problem is, your wife's love level is low for you. It may be past the point of no return, I don't know. It's at least on the brink. If her love level drops below the point of no return, you'll either have a sucky marriage or divorce at best.

 

But let's assume she still has some love level to work with, let's try to fix it.

 

I don't have much time now, but basically you have to rebuild trust, and give her affection, romance, and respect. That's what builds love, and keeps a woman in love with you.

 

Thanks Gary. I actually think it might be the opposite. After busting my ass to try to get things back together, I'm now out of "Mr. Fix It" mode, which is giving me time to reflect, and while she has been very kind, loving, and seemingly committed to me lately, I just can't get past some of the things that happened.

[Unreasonable]

I am currently reading the book "'I need you to love me' Is that True?" by Byron Katie. I know it has a weird title, but the message is AMAZING. My wife and I have had our struggles, too, and there have been many occasions over the years when I've found myself thinking I need to walk away. But reading this book is helping me see our relationship, myself, and her more clearly.

 

"It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship." (that's a quote from the book). I can honestly say I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been, and nothing has changed except my thinking.

 

Thanks, I'll check that it. Is it a good couples book or is it more for reading alone?

[Matt3939]

Sounds pretty hypocritical to me. You can't watch people on a TV screen but she can meet people in real life. I guess that is the future eventually though if technology advances far enough to make artificial beings.

[Unreasonable]

Sounds pretty hypocritical to me. You can't watch people on a TV screen but she can meet people in real life. I guess that is the future eventually though if technology advances far enough to make artificial beings.

 

She claims never to have met up with the coworker she had an emotional affair with, outside of my work party functions (which were pretty unavoidable, and actually how they met). Regardless, the discussions they had, mostly over IM's crossed the line. I'm confident that's all over though. But I'm still pretty pissed off at how awkward that made things, and honestly, the hypocrisy of wanting to explore polyamory is what steams me the most still. It just felt like such a slap in the face after the hell she put me through. If I was the paranoid type I'd almost believe she deliberately planted it for revenge and to put me in my place.

[Matt3939]

Well if she never met them I could forgive that. I too went thru years of torcher. Getting accused of things all revolving around sex. It was the most frustrating horrible experience in my life. I stuck around cause I thought it would change. Plus if it wasn't going on things were great. It was her with the problem and eventually she did stuff with other guys that I found out about. I have no clue what your stuff consisted of. I too regret sitting her down and telling her everything I ever did sexually over 20 years. Yes my sex life is boring enough so I remembered. She used it all against me. I don't think there's a good way to get over the things that have happened only if you decide you can forgive her and time might heal. Good luck

[hyden]

In my opinion, you cannot replace the bad thoughts with good ones. If the marriage continue to be positive, those bad feelings should eventually dull overtime, having been eroded by hopefully positive experiences and time. My last relationship that lasted 5 years was plagued with my gf's emotional cheating and sexting other men. When I called her on it, each time she would promise to stop, but she simply tried harder to hide it. I finally ended the relationship, but it took me 2 months to move out. In that time she stopped what she was doing and was 100% focused on trying to repair the relationship. The bad memories and lack of trust was too much for me and I did move out and the relationship truly ended.

 

But I see my situation as different. You are married....for 22 years. That's quite a commitment. You also seemed quite focused on repairing things (I read your original post when you posted it). My marriage (prior to the above referenced relationship) lasted 12 years and ended with full on cheating, so I have a zero tolerance policy at this point. I would rather be alone than deal with the anxiety of not trusting my partner.

 

My only advice is that if this crops up again, you will need to make a hard choice, because staying with her after a second bout, would be giving her a green light to do whatever she wants. You may, after all your hard work have to make the choice you didn't want to originally. That wasted time...and effort will weigh heavily on you. I do hope that your investment and dedication is rewarded with a healthy relationship moving forward.