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Okay to start with , I met a girl in my office who is currently my GF. Our relation has completed only a month and we truly love each other. Now the problem starts... she had an ex bf who doesnt know that she is in a relationship with me. He only knows that I am her colleague and that we had shared a kiss. That guy was foul mouthed and mistreated my gf even before I entered her life. According to my gf her ex used to drink and yell at her, one day he tried to physically abuse her. Now from nowhere this Ex guy contacted my gf's mother (who used to praise me a lot) and started crying and doing all the melodrama. After this my gf's mom started behaving strangly with me & asked me to stay away from her. She doesnt know that I am her daughter's bf and that her daughter has chosen me over her ex. Her mom is literally hypnotized by that Ex guy. Her mom doesnt know that the guy she is praising used to hit , abuse, mistreat her daughter. My gf says that her ex is not leaving her trail despite every attempt. Also my gf is afraid to share anything with her mom thinking that her ex would disclose our physical relation . Her mom is always trying to convince her that the Ex guy is perfect and he is rich, belongs to the same caste/religion and is pursuing Doctors. Her mom is completely unaware of all the torture her daughter faced. I dont know how that Ex guy got so much of control which made her mom a puppet of his mind. This is affecting my life and I am trying to find a solution to get out of this situation. Please help.

 

Thanks in advance.

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Unfortunately your relationship seems to be a secret not only in the office but in your gf's entire life. Since you both started out while still in other relationships that complicates matters even more than being in the same workplace.

 

Is this an arranged marriage she's schedule for with the bf? Why else would she continue to pass you along as a coworker to everyone? It sounds like your gf of 1 mo. is not leveling with you.

Our relation has completed only a month and we truly love each other. my gf is afraid to share anything with her mom thinking that her ex would disclose our physical relation . Her mom is always trying to convince her that the Ex guy is perfect and he is rich, belongs to the same caste/religion and is pursuing Doctors.
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Abusers are often very good at looking good. People tend to love them, because they are excellent actors. This can make it hard for the abused person to get help, because no one who knows the abuser believes their story.

 

If you like this girl, and she insists on keeping you a secret, you're going to have to get pretty good at acting yourself. While the people in her life are deceived about the ex, you're just going to have to put up with their poor treatment of you. If the situation gets too uncomfortable, you can always walk away from it.

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You don't have a problem with the ex. You have a problem with your girlfriend. She clearly isn't ready to be in a relationship. She needs to heal from her past relationship. She isn't ready to be public about her relationship with you and she isn't ready to talk about her abuse with her family and thats fine. I think that's pretty normal but it also means she isn't in the mental space to really be invested in a relationship.

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You don't have a problem with the ex. You have a problem with your girlfriend. She clearly isn't ready to be in a relationship. She needs to heal from her past relationship. She isn't ready to be public about her relationship with you and she isn't ready to talk about her abuse with her family and thats fine. I think that's pretty normal but it also means she isn't in the mental space to really be invested in a relationship.

 

She tells everyone that I am her bf and is not shy on exposing our relation. She stays alone in my city whereas her mom stays in a different State. She is just afraid that her ex would inform her mom about the physical relation she had with me. GF says that her mom would lose every inch of trust she had on her. According to my gf she doesnt feel anything for her ex but shez just fears him.

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Abusers are often very good at looking good. People tend to love them, because they are excellent actors. This can make it hard for the abused person to get help, because no one who knows the abuser believes their story.

 

If you like this girl, and she insists on keeping you a secret, you're going to have to get pretty good at acting yourself. While the people in her life are deceived about the ex, you're just going to have to put up with their poor treatment of you. If the situation gets too uncomfortable, you can always walk away from it.

 

I strongly agree with your first line! I dont know how but that ex guy turned a mother against her daughter .. forget me. This is hurting us a lot that her mother has switched sides. I really love this girl and I am ready to do anything to get her out of this phase. Any way that you guys could suggest me?

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Unfortunately it sounds like she's playing you a bit. Love after 4 weeks? Her stories just don't add up.

 

And how would her ex know this if this is the case?: "she had an ex bf who doesnt know that she is in a relationship with me"

She is just afraid that her ex would inform her mom about the physical relation she had with me.
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I strongly agree with your first line! I dont know how but that ex guy turned a mother against her daughter .. forget me. This is hurting us a lot that her mother has switched sides. I really love this girl and I am ready to do anything to get her out of this phase. Any way that you guys could suggest me?

 

 

how is her ex getting all this info about you ?

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Unfortunately your relationship seems to be a secret not only in the office but in your gf's entire life. Since you both started out while still in other relationships that complicates matters even more than being in the same workplace.

 

Is this an arranged marriage she's schedule for with the bf? Why else would she continue to pass you along as a coworker to everyone? It sounds like your gf of 1 mo. is not leveling with you.

 

Thanks for your reply. No its not an arranged marriage. My gf had a 5-7 months of relationship with this guy. So for her job she shifted in my city and a bit and away from him. I ve met my gf's parents and we had no problem then. But after this ex had some chat with her mom and boom! everything changed.

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She tells everyone that I am her bf and is not shy on exposing our relation. She stays alone in my city whereas her mom stays in a different State. She is just afraid that her ex would inform her mom about the physical relation she had with me. GF says that her mom would lose every inch of trust she had on her. According to my gf she doesnt feel anything for her ex but shez just fears him.

 

Your girlfriend isn't ready to be in a relationship. She can't be honest with her mother OR just not care what her mother thinks. She is an adult who gets to make adult choices and she chooses to let her mother control her and push her towards someone who is abusive. She could clear all of this this up if she wanted to. But she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her own life. It sounds like she is very young. It's okay that she is struggling. Most folks struggle to figure out what they want and need. But you aren't ready for a committed adult relationship if you can't stand up for your choices. And right now? She's not standing up for her choices. She could block her ex, she could tell her mother to block her ex, she could tell her mother about you, She could tell her mother about her ex, she could tell her ex about you. She could tell them both nothing and move on with her relationship with you. But she isn't doing any of that.

 

She could also choose not to tell you about her mother's thoughts... could she be trying to get a rise from you? Does she want to be the center of a bunch of drama? Why would she even tell you she hasn't told her ex? You've been dating for a month doesn't seem odd to you that you are all up in her drama?

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Unfortunately it sounds like she's playing you a bit. Love after 4 weeks? Her stories just don't add up.

 

And how would her ex know this if this is the case?: "she had an ex bf who doesnt know that she is in a relationship with me"

 

I am counting 4 weeks because I myself became serious about the relation. It started during our 1st week in office so you can add up a month.After a month we both expect something fruitful from our relationship.

 

Her ex wasnt leaving her trail so she told him that he should leave her and that she shared a kiss with me thinking that after listening to this her ex would leave her.

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how is her ex getting all this info about you ?

 

Her mother is passing every message/chat of me or my gf to that ex. She discusses every in single thing with that ex. I wonder what magic he has done in couple of days.

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Oh, yeah she's playing you big time to get him jealous and get him back. He "wasn't leaving her trail" because she didn't want him to and never blocked him.

 

Do you really believe her stories and that there's a valid reason she tells everyone you're just a coworker? Sorry you are going to get hurt when she goes back to this dude.

Her ex wasnt leaving her trail so she told him that he should leave her and that she shared a kiss with me thinking that after listening to this her ex would leave her.

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Your girlfriend isn't ready to be in a relationship. She can't be honest with her mother OR just not care what her mother thinks. She is an adult who gets to make adult choices and she chooses to let her mother control her and push her towards someone who is abusive. She could clear all of this this up if she wanted to. But she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her own life. It sounds like she is very young. It's okay that she is struggling. Most folks struggle to figure out what they want and need. But you aren't ready for a committed adult relationship if you can't stand up for your choices. And right now? She's not standing up for her choices. She could block her ex, she could tell her mother to block her ex, she could tell her mother about you, She could tell her mother about her ex, she could tell her ex about you. She could tell them both nothing and move on with her relationship with you. But she isn't doing any of that.

 

She could also choose not to tell you about her mother's thoughts... could she be trying to get a rise from you? Does she want to be the center of a bunch of drama? Why would she even tell you she hasn't told her ex? You've been dating for a month doesn't seem odd to you that you are all up in her drama?

 

I had a talk with her about this. I asked her that she could have easily cleared the air if she told everything about her ex to her mom and about me to her ex. But on what I am seeing here is that it has become very difficult to share anything with her mom because shez the most easily manipulated lady and has literally no brains! Actually she never told any of them about us. It was that ex who directly contacted her mom and ed us up

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Her mother is passing every message/chat of me or my gf to that ex. She discusses every in single thing with that ex. I wonder what magic he has done in couple of days.

 

so if the mom passes the messages to the ex, how would the ex know if you and your gf are physical or not?

 

and why doesn't she tell her mom to stop talking to her ex about everything?

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Oh, yeah she's playing you big time to get him jealous and get him back. He "wasn't leaving her trail" because she didn't want him to and never blocked him.

 

Do you really believe her stories and that there's a valid reason she tells everyone you're just a coworker? Sorry you are going to get hurt when she goes back to this dude.

 

She introduced me to her parents few days before. And almost everyone in the office knows about our relation and that we are way more than just a coworker. she had blocked him but after that ex started contacting her mom she had to sort it out which she still hasnt.

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I am confused , you say the ex contacts the mom then you say the mom contacts the ex...

 

 

 

 

Okay i ll be more clearer here. My gf herself told her ex that shez in a relationship with me and we had a physical moment thinking that after listening to this he ll leave but it was in vain.

 

He then contacted her mother and started crying and doing all the drama (i still dont know how did he convinced her mother at the first place). Her mom might have thought that this guy is a doctor and might be earning well, also is from the same caste/community/religion. From there onwards the ex and gf's mom started talking and her mom started having some in sympathy over him.

 

Just an instance of this. I had called her mom over phone to discuss the problem but she was least interested to listen to me and was constantly uttering the ex's name. Just after I hung up her mom told each and everything that i said to her ex. And then the ex started texting my gf about this whole scene. This forms a loop where the mom is so deeply consoled by that guy where she trusts that guy more than her daughter. That is why it has become very tough for us to confront her mom and explain things

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Why are you talking with her mother instead of her? It's simple. The mom likes the ex for marriage factors and your gf is keeping you a secret as a result.

I had called her mom over phone to discuss the problem but she was least interested to listen to me and was constantly uttering the ex's name.That is why it has become very tough for us to confront her mom and explain things
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So for her job she shifted in my city and a bit and away from him. I.

 

So . . Mom is in another state and the she moved further away from a bf that she's blocked and these two have this much control over you two??

How old are you both?

I am a mom and we moms get fiercely riled up if someone treats our children badly.

 

If mom wants to be involved then your girlfriend needs to bring her up to speed about the facts behind the want-to-be Doctor.

 

Other than that. . she needs to butt out or you two need to turn deaf ears on the mom and bf and let them have their dramatic episode.

 

It only effects you if you allow it to.

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So . . Mom is in another state and the she moved further away from a bf that she's blocked and these two have this much control over you two??

How old are you both?

I am a mom and we moms get fiercely riled up if someone treats our children badly.

 

If mom wants to be involved then your girlfriend needs to bring her up to speed about the facts behind the want-to-be Doctor.

 

Other than that. . she needs to butt out or you two need to turn deaf ears on the mom and bf and let them have their dramatic episode.

 

It only effects you if you allow it to.

 

My gf moved to a new house which is close to the office so for the shifting stuff from the old house to new house her mom came to my city. I am 23 year old and she is 22. Mom doesnt know that the ex guy had misbehaved and verbally abused her daughter. And my gf is not telling all this to her mom because her mom has kind of teamed up with the ex. Yesterday she met her ex too.

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Why are you talking with her mother instead of her? It's simple. The mom likes the ex for marriage factors and your gf is keeping you a secret as a result.

 

Believe me her mom liked me. She had invited me for dinner and she always used to praise me. Her mom had no problem when her daughter used to roam with me till late nights. Her mom knows that her daughter is emotionally attached to me.

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What matters is what is this gf doing, not what her mom thinks is a "nice coworker", since unfortunately your gf insists on keeping you a secret.

Believe me her mom liked me. She had invited me for dinner and she always used to praise me. Her mom had no problem when her daughter used to roam with me till late nights. Her mom knows that her daughter is emotionally attached to me.
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