I was trafficked for sex at 18 should I bring this up to a new potential prospec

[Ladi33bug]

I was raped at 17 and the trauma was so intense that I was coerced into selling my body for sex. I had an issue with promiscuity after getting away from a pimp for about 4 years and my last relationship ended badly because I was honest about my past. He hated it and he kept telling me "I wanted it" and "it's in my nature to be a wh***" the verbal abuse tore me up inside. I relived a lot of regret and pain every time he would bring it up.

 

 

He'd ask me if I slept with my neighbors and he'd ask if I got paid to sleep with a John at hotels we would drive past. I didn't want to answer but I felt obligated to tell him the truth. He was after all overlooking my past and trying to be with me.

 

He needed to talk to and sleep with other woman from time to time because he said that he felt stupid courting a woman who has given it up to so many different men. I allowed that to go on for a little while.

 

Now I'm 5 months pregnant and of course things have only gotten worse. I've been faithful to him because I love him so much and I feel like nothing I do is enough. He goes on these hiatuses for days at a time after we have minor disagreements now and I'm done being his doormat pregnant or not.

 

So I'm moving on but I need some advice. That relationship ended badly because of my honesty. Should I be honest about my past with new prospects in my future or should I just keep it to myself? If I should be honest, when do you think it would be appropriate to actually say something about it?

[gebaird]

So glad you are moving on.

 

The relationship didn't end badly because you were honest. It ended badly because you were with an abusive, cheating a$$hole.

 

I wouldn't talk about your past on a first, second or third date -- but as the other person offers information about his past, you may feel safe to disclose information about yours. Trust should be earned, not assumed. If you're with a good person, you'll be treated with love and respect regardless of your past.

[mustlovedogs]

I think this information is best left for someone you're very invested in. You love each other, you've gone through some trouble together, you're thinking it's forever. Because it's heavy and that burden shouldn't be shared with just anyone.

 

Start easy, don't dive right in, and tell what he wants to know. If no questions come up, stop telling.

 

That being said... you should be single for awhile. From what I'm seeing, you have a pattern of self destructive behavior. You need to work on finding yourself. Given that you are pregnant, that will probably take longer. I would advise against dating for probably at least a year.

[Ladi33bug]

I'll be honest I was thinking 2 years. I don't see myself having much time for men raising a child. I do agree I need to be on my own for a while and screw proving anything to that a**** but prove to myself that I can do anything I need to do on my own. This can help me finally see and understand my worth. This has gone on too long.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with gebaird, this man used your information against you, because he was the problem. People who are abusers often look for those who have been abused, because they know they already have someone who was used to that and who has a very deep vulnerability that can be exploited.

 

As to new partners, how new are we talking? If it's someone you are getting serious with - i.e. you're going to be exclusive - and you feel the information is key to the relationship working then speak up. If this is someone you've only gone on a few dates with then no, it's none of their business and you don't know them well enough to know you can or should trust them with that information. Plus it's valuable information to entrust someone with your darkest secrets. And if they can't handle it then you know it's not going to work and you move on.

 

Also if you haven't maybe finding a support group and/or counselor who specializes in sexual abuse/trafficking survivors (because that's what you are, a survivor, not a victim) to help you sort through all of that and learn how to spot the bad from the good can help you tremendously.

 

Take care of you, take care of your baby, get away from this jerk. It's not that you were honest, it's that you didn't spot there was yet another abusive person who'd come into your life. So learning to spot someone like that and getting them out of your life first, is probably where you should put more emphasis for the moment. But I worked in women's clinic and shelter in L.A. for a long time and my own observation was women and men who were getting out of the sex trade had no obligation to share that past with people they barely knew. And in some cases doing so would open the door for yet more abuse.

 

Be careful with your heart and your shadows, make sure the person you share both with is someone worthy of your full trust. And no, this jerk you were with is not that person. And thankfully not everyone is like him, but work on how to spot who is and you'll be better off for it.

 

I wish you and your baby a full and happy life. You've survived something that many don't, walk with your head high and never accept bad false labels from anyone.

[Perrin83]

I think this information is best left for someone you're very invested in. You love each other, you've gone through some trouble together, you're thinking it's forever. Because it's heavy and that burden shouldn't be shared with just anyone.

 

Start easy, don't dive right in, and tell what he wants to know. If no questions come up, stop telling.

 

That being said... you should be single for awhile. From what I'm seeing, you have a pattern of self destructive behavior. You need to work on finding yourself. Given that you are pregnant, that will probably take longer. I would advise against dating for probably at least a year.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you here. It's quite likely that the trauma that OP suffered from her rape and from being trafficked could have developed into PTSD, which may complicate intimacy.

 

Having been with an abuser for so long (one who probably didn't care about her emotional state during sex), she may not even know. A caring partner, however, might not know how to handle potential reactions to intimacy if he isn't informed before hand.

 

OP, I would suggest mentioning it to anyone you're going to be intimate with.

 

On that note, please see a trauma counselor, if you haven't already. It is extremely difficult to work thorough this stuff on your own and we all want you to be happy and on the road to healing

[catfeeder]

OP, I would suggest mentioning it to anyone you're going to be intimate with.

 

I can only speak for myself, and I wouldn't be ready to do this --^^^ (above) until long after I've done this --vvvvv...(below) ...although I'd still question how much of my history I feel obligated to disclose--to anyone--not because of shame, but because of self respect and mature discretion.

 

On that note, please see a trauma counselor, if you haven't already. It is extremely difficult to work thorough this stuff on your own and we all want you to be happy and on the road to healing

 

As a rule, I don't believe in discussing my own sexual history beyond a clean STD test with a potential lover, a new lover, or any lover --period--because in my old age I've learned the art of discretion and don't believe in misusing a lover as my therapist. I'm perfectly capable of hiring one of those.

 

Disclosing whatever you want is not against the law. You'll learn over time whether such disclosure enhances or harms your bond with future lovers--and you can adjust according to your own experience and views about that.

 

However: I'd continue therapy throughout my dating years to learn how to identify the difference between a caring man versus an abusive one.

 

Head high.

[Ladi33bug]

I'm definitely going to stay in therapy for a long while, if after 10 years I'm still not over this trauma and it's still affecting my life, then I'm definitely going to need to stay in therapy. I'm going to pursue a female therapist because I'm finding that male therapist are sympathizing with my abuser. I'm keeping my head up. My daughters father (my emotional abuser) texted me late last night saying that I'm on his mind and asking how his baby girl is. My therapist told me only to respond to positive conversations with him about the baby so I told him she's perfect. That is all. I don't want to see him until she's born. And once that happens he can visit when he wants but I don't want him involved in my personal life anymore.

[catfeeder]

I'm going to pursue a female therapist because I'm finding that male therapist are sympathizing with my abuser.

 

In what way?

[Ladi33bug]

He told me that he calls me names because my past bothers him a lot and it's because he loves me, I don't know if he was trying to see if that was my ex's reasoning behind his abuse or if he was being sympathetic but it's the second male therapist that said that to me. I don't know why tho.

[MrSweetHarmony]

From my experience, most of the time when a person is interested in someone's past during getting to know them in the situation you have spoken about it's partly because they are selfishly working to protect themself. I recommend searching for people who want to judge things present and future and if possible, if there isn't a need, don't talk about your past.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm finding that male therapist are sympathizing with my abuser.

 

And this is where you walk away. Go and get a new therapist. This made me so angry to read. That therapist or therapists needs their license YANKED NOW! Oh gosh, that made me see red even more so than the ex did. Good idea, yes. Find a female therapist who specializes in helping people who have come out of the sex trade/trafficking if at all possible.

 

How in the hell would anyone agree with your abuser? Crimes of their own that are similar? I would consider that a major red flag in a therapist. Okay, going to calm down here. I was interning to be a therapist at one point, I've worked in a women's clinic/shelter some time ago, but as you can probably see from my posts I can't stay neutral well enough to be a good one. So I didn't go into that field, but still I have enough training to tell you what your therapist said, what they both said to you, is completely unaccepatable.

 

Look, there is never any reason whatsoever to call another person names for something that was out of their control, or even at all. Not a loved one. You call someone names who just tried to hurt you or a loved one, sure. In that case I say curse away. But a loved one? Never, it is one of the key red flags I saw in my time working at a women's shelter/clinic as an indication of someone being abusive. Because normal people do not call their partners or their family or their friends names, designed to hurt and cow them. They just don't.

 

I'm not talking an occasional joke you make with a sibling or friend as you're laughing. "Oh my gosh, you B how could you say that?" while you're both laughing. I'm talking about what you describe - calling someone hurtful names based on something they should have wanted to protect you from and to show you that kindness and being free of that world were your now and future with them. Your ex didn't do that though, and now two different male therapists have agreed with him.

 

Color me disgusted. If I were queen of the world they'd have their licenses yanked. But sadly (or thankfully, depending on your views) I am not queen of the world.

 

So yes, walk away and get a new therapist. Have you contacted the organization RAINN? Maybe they could help or you just go and do interviews with therapists. After all, please keep in mind you are paying them for a service, they work for you, not themselves and definitely not anyone in your past who was abusive to you.

 

Two books I'm going to recommend to you - one is the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and the other is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men by Lundy Bancroft. Start with some self-education, which I think will help you the way it helped me. I am a huge believer in arming oneself with information and knowledge, I don't get any payment for those books, it's just they are two of the best I found myself in my own readings. There are others you will likely find and read and enjoy, these are just two I can suggest for now.

 

Again I wish you and your baby a full and happy life and new beginnings.

[itsallgrand]

You should work with a therapist you are most comfortable with. One with specialized training and experience in the types of trauma you have experienced, if at all possible. You may have to go on a waiting list, but it's worth it.

 

I myself was not comfortable with female therapists for a long time. I've been through therapy for trauma myself. Because of my personal experiences, I was not able to feel safe and trust the competency of female therapists until very recently. So I found a very seasoned old man with extensive experience with working with trauma- he was my right fit at that time. I objectively could tell you, yes of course a female therapist could be as competent and professionally equipped to have done that job. However, I wouldn't ( and wasn't) receptive to it and it mingled too much with my own issues I needed to address. I had a strong bias. In therapy, gender can play a part as it's not uncommon for issues to have some gender associations as well.

You've been abused by many men. Seeing a female therapist to get into your deep rooted work in therapy makes perfect sense.

 

As for when and if and how to disclose information to future dates and/ or partners - that's something to address in therapy and not for a while. Putting the cart before the horse there. As you work through things, you will come to find an answer for yourself that feels right and is in line with creating a healthy relationships. You'll get the skills to do that in therapy.

 

You should be proud of what you are doing and all you are laying the groundwork for to have the future you always have deserved. Thanks for sharing your story here as well - as I can see other girls and women coming here, too afraid to post these things, but being able to relate to you.

[Ladi33bug]

Yea I'm definitely getting a new therapist. I see now that he and the other guy I was my counselor were both incompetent. My ex called today trying to get back together I gave him a clear ABSOLUTELY NOT and he got really upset about it. I clearly stated to him that he does not respect me and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. That is ALL.

 

He said a lot about men in my past and tried to make me feel guilty. He said "all I wanted from you is what you gave all those other men, you gave them more respect than you gave me" it's ABSOLUTE BS. I can't even believe he's giving these "men" any airtime. I stop and I wonder what the HELL they have to do with anything!? He's not respecting me so he's using my past AS USUAL to direct his own issue with showing me some respect towards me!!! It's so upsetting and it just feels like he's insulting my intelligence. I'm sitting here thinking, could I really have been THAT DUMB?!?

 

 

Ugh! what a loser this guy is. I can't believe I allowed him to get me pregnant! He clearly has a boat load of insecurities to even speak on any guy I dealt with in the past. I asked him why he even cares and he had no answer LOL big surprise right?!? Like who cares that was YEARS AGO WE DIDN'T EVEN EXSIST TO EACH OTHER BACK THEN!

[Ladi33bug]

Once he straight up told me he wants what I had with my pimp!! I told him to go &@&$ himself! I'm not selling my body for you or NOBODY! He said I don't want you to sell your body.... omg he's trying to pimp me out!

[Ladi33bug]

I am just ignoring his text messages and phone calls. I'm not about to stress myself out. I have this beautiful baby girl to think about. He can go to hell!

[catfeeder]

I am just ignoring his text messages and phone calls. I'm not about to stress myself out. I have this beautiful baby girl to think about. He can go to hell!

 

I'd see a lawyer and let her or him do your talking for you. Have your exposure to the charmer limited to receiving child support and arranging visitation through a neutral party.

 

Head high.

[ParisPaulette]

Once he straight up told me he wants what I had with my pimp!! I told him to go &@&$ himself! I'm not selling my body for you or NOBODY! He said I don't want you to sell your body.... omg he's trying to pimp me out!

 

Keep anything he says or does like that, and yes record him as well, to provide to a lawyer. Usually I don't tell people this, but the above is so concerning can you look into getting his parental rights terminated? I'm sorry, someone who wants to pimp you out is not safe to have around children, period. End of story.

 

In this instance I don't think having him in your child's life is worth it all. Not even for child support, not at all. He doesn't sound fit to be a dad and he sounds like the sort who make a child's life a living hell.

 

Time to protect yourself and that beautiful little girl. Be a tiger mom and yes, if you have to, end any contact. In this case I would say it's warranted.