Stalled Relationship, Fell for a Friend, Think I messed up ... What to do?

[Kikurami]

I don't post on forums much, so apologies if this is the wrong category; there's a few different scenarios that can go under different topics so I am a bit confused...

 

Been with High-School sweetheart for about 5 1/2 years; we graduated in 2013, got through a small breakup early 2014 (he cheated) and had been going strong since then- or rather until about mid-2016. We had finally moved in together in a townhouse apartment with a few of our friends, which had complications of its own and really began to stress us out. One of the complications in the apartment was not enough food, and I ended up spending weeks to months at a time with my parents so I don't starve and to save a bit of money, as we never were approved for government help. So of course whenever I was with my BF, we focused more on maintaining the apartment and focusing on jobs rather than spending time with each other even though we stay in the same room almost 24/7.

 

Now, we're both avid gamers but we don't really like the same genres, therefore don't really play together often. I understand how tied up in a game someone can get, but I never really got help when it came time to clean or do laundry. I figured it was fair considering I didn't have a job and he did (he worked 3rd shift at a convenience store, so he mainly slept during the day) but I would ask for help every weekend or so. This generally either turned to things never getting done, me asking for hours and he barely helped out, or me just doing all of it anyways. It didn't aggravate me at first, again I thought it was fair. I guess I started to feel a bit of a split somewhere in there.

 

Being that we don't like the same games, I had been playing with the same group for a few years (mainly guys, never really bothered me.) Yet recently I had gotten closer with one of my buddies online and had even invited him to our place once; the last couple of get-togethers had been held at another friends house. When he dropped me off and went back home, I had never felt so empty. I thought it was just myself being sad fun times were over for a while, but didn't understand why things back home were so bleak. I felt a large gap between me and my BF after that, not talking much except before he went to work. It got to a point where I felt like the only thing holding us together was getting intimate, although it was mostly on his terms. Despite feeling there was a gap, I didn't say anything because I thought it would go away.

 

I had lots of crying spells during this period due to my depression, mainly at night while my BF was at work which left me texting my friend until I could sleep. I had come to the realization that, yes I did fall for him; I didn't think he felt the same way, figured he'd kinda be upset with it and stop being so close... obviously it wasn't the case. I was at my parents at the time, told my BF I didn't wanna come back because the apartment had become so trashed that I couldn't/wouldn't clean it alone. A few weeks passed, I was considering my options and was teetering on leaving when BF starts texting me, showing that he had taken charge over the apartment- getting some stuff replaced/renovated, groceries, bills caught up, etc. etc.. all the things I wanted done. It wasn't enough to completely sway me, but it was the main reason I wanted to leave: because I felt that he had changed into a bit of a lazy slob, leaving me to all the housework. Now that he's changing for the better, why wasn't I happy still?

 

I went back to have a face-to-face conversation about how I wanted some alone time, space to think. It was a long painful discussion, mainly filled with tears, and I didn't intend on telling him my feelings for my friend but I had to say it to get my point across. Of course this made him insecure, ya know, "what does he have that I don't?" sorta chat. I tried reassuring him that it was my fault, because I feel that it is. None of it would've happened if I kept my emotions in check. I know it was painful for both of us, but we're still talking at least. However I don't think he still considers us broken up..

 

And if that's the case, I messed up bad. Online friend and I made arrangements and we hung out for a couple of weeks at his place (he lives with a family member) we played games, saw the sights, and we.. well, got intimate. Neither of us really regret it, but when I think of it from the outside looking in, I would call myself terrible and awful to put it lightly.

 

I'm not sure what to do. We've been separated/broken up for couple of months and I had asked my friends and family for advice. Almost everyone isn't happy with my ex/BF because of his cheating incident and how bad things got at the apartment, and prefers my online friend over him. I'm not sure if I'm just wanting to hold on to the memory of us, what we were or can be, or if I trust him enough not to fall back into the same lazy habits. But I feel equally close to the online friend because we can enjoy each other's company a little better, he takes better care of his living spaces and is a tad more mature.

 

Ex/BF keeps asking where we stand, what my decision is, etc. etc. and says he's fully supportive of my decision regardless. Online friend is supportive of either decision as well. I just feel stuck and I don't want to hurt either of them anymore than I already have, and anytime I try to think about how to resolve it I only get a flood of memories and just bawl uncontrollably. I keep getting told 'do what makes you happy,' but I'm too afraid to even try and think about it.

 

I'm sorry it was a bit lengthy, I did try to summarize but also tried explaining the situation without too much rambling. Seems I've failed in that aspect haha. Thanks in advance for reading and/or responding.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to stay with your parents and focus on getting a job or job training/going back to school.

 

What did you mean by this: I ended up spending weeks to months at a time with my parents so I don't starve and to save a bit of money, as we never were approved for government help"?

 

Are you disabled or can't work or clean an apt? Why would you apply for government help?

One of the complications in the apartment was not enough food

I didn't have a job and he did

I had gotten closer with one of my buddies online and had even invited him to our place once

I had come to the realization that, yes I did fall for him

told my BF I didn't wanna come back because the apartment had become so trashed that I couldn't/wouldn't clean it alone.

I felt that he had changed into a bit of a lazy slob, leaving me to all the housework.

Online friend and I made arrangements and we hung out for a couple of weeks at his place we got intimate.

[Kikurami]

 

What did you mean by this: I ended up spending weeks to months at a time with my parents so I don't starve and to save a bit of money, as we never were approved for government help"?

 

Are you disabled or can't work or clean an apt? Why would you apply for government help?

 

There were 7 people in the apt and eventually they lost their jobs, naturally whatever money was coming in went towards utilities instead of groceries. I opted out of eating to make sure they did; eventually I just stayed with parents because food, warmth (heating unit at the apt broke over this past winter) and I figured they'd spend a little less without me there.

 

I'm not disabled or otherwise unable to work but I do have a hard time finding a job, probably because I'm socially awkward. I tried applying for Food Stamps/EBT just long enough for our bills to get caught up but was never approved. I don't mind cleaning the apt but I'd still like help with it every once in a while...

 

Already sticking with parents though, doing odd jobs here and there to save cash for a few summer courses.

[Wiseman2]

Stay with your parents and focus on self sufficiency, employment and improving social skills. Why live in what sounds like a crack-house?

I'm not disabled or otherwise unable to work but I do have a hard time finding a job, probably because I'm socially awkward. I tried applying for Food Stamps/EBT just long enough for our bills to get caught up but was never approved. I don't mind cleaning the apt but I'd still like help with it every once in a while.

[Kikurami]

I'll admit it was pretty bad. It was my first time actually moving out, so I thought it was normal to struggle so much... but I suppose not.