Advice needed: Is my boyfriend set in his ways, already?

[Lizeth90]

Childhood background: Boyfriend is an only child who never met his biological father and was raised by a single mother who has never dated throughout his 29 years of life (also an only child). They do not have any other family other than themselves and my childhood was the antithesis of his: the youngest of 3 sisters (myself included), mother and father (now divorced), with my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins living next door and having family come out of state during the holidays. I felt, oftentimes, neglected by my family whereas he was spoiled by his mother.

 

Present: My boyfriend (29) and I (26) have been dating since early March of 2015 after meeting at the library where he worked. At the beginning, as it always is, we were in the infatuation stage of our relationship. On our 3rd date, he took me to a restaurant and we walked along a long sidewalk close the suburbs and I recall being very happy. He began pointing out a bush with an entrance and told me people snuck in there. He began looking but there were so many trees, we were in an area where the buses didn't run often---no, we don't have a car---and it was getting dark so I told him we should leave, he refused and looked a little bit more and found it------then tells me that he and his ex once had sex in there: Strike one (honestly, the only reason I didn't leave right then and there was b/c I didn't have Uber/Lyft at the time and no buses were close). My best memory/date turned into the worse just like that!

 

I ended up moving quite a bit during the next year because I was offered the opportunity to live rent-free at my brother-in-law's home. We tried to have sex a few times but physically could not and I ended up finding out that I had a nearly-imperforate hymen that had to be surgically removed. 4 months after we began dating, we had sex for the first time. He had been incredibly understanding and patient with me throughout those months but not long after, my brother-in-law's home went into foreclosure and we had to move. I did not know where to go and barely managed to find a place just days prior to the day set for the move I was never, once, offered help to find an apartment or, at the very least, pack (he only packed 2 small boxes).

While I was struggling and freaking out, needing someone to talk to, he went to hang out with a friend of his. I remember crying that night because I had given up talking to a guy who helped me out, emotionally, for him. I eventually moved out to a place by myself and he began spending more time there--to a point that he was practically living with me so he began to play around the idea of living together around early 2016 but in between that time we began having arguments because of his social media habits: looking up every woman he had slept with in the past--he did this throughout the months we were dating--girls in his social circle he crushed on or had come across including my sister whom he knew didn't have any accounts, he created an account behind my back to a girl who specifically focused on a fetish he's into but says he was looking at her IG page and saw the link which told him to use his google account and *BAM* it was created and that he would have looked at it once (I caught him the day he created it). She turned out to be from the same city we are from which he did not know.

 

He also would look up the same group of girls for months and began doing so behind my back and lying when I already have trust issues and told him that I could not stand a liar (one was an acquaintance he would previously flirt with online before we met but he did call her 'lovie" once in a message we read and he says it's only b/c this girl speaks that way too and she does, to be honest and the other a stranger whose pics he only liked. I recall waking up from my sleep and seeing him next to me on his phone viewing a picture of this girl and smiling. He would ask me to be more stylish and show me pictures of her long before I ever knew who she was. I was really hurt. I repeatedly asked him to stop and he would--then find a new girl to fawn over and so. This happened a few times and he did finally stop after another argument----1 YEAR AND A 1/2 later!) saying he just didn't get it though I don't know *how* he didn't get it. My self-esteem went down the drain during this year and a half and we got into heated arguments that were verbally abusive on my part. We patched it up enough to discuss moving in together, begrudgingly on my behalf. He was only looking at girls after all and he told me he would change once we moved in and I told him to show me changes before and he slowly did.

 

THIS IS WHERE A LOT OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS SEEMED TO HAVE HAPPENED (ACCORDING TO HIM):

 

--He was still fawning over the last girl he was looking at before we moved in together. We got into such a horrible fight that I pulled a knife on him so that he would leave me alone, because he kept grabbing me, after I told him it was over and I ended up getting help but instead being taken to a psychiatric hospital.

 

--I told him that I wanted to rent together first because having everything be even or 50/50 was important to me given that I witnessed my parent's marriage disintegrate with my father having the upper hand and locking my mother out of the house and I told him I did not want to ever be in a position where someone had the upper hand. He said he understood.

 

--I told him I would NOT pay taxes as it was his property just the assessments and bills (split between the two of us)

 

--Obtain a legal cohabitation agreement (my idea) with each of our stipulations written down

 

--I told him that I wanted to pay the same or less than what I was currently paying at the time $450. He said so about $300 a month? and I said sure as it was a general idea (but I figured he wouldn't know, for sure, until the property was purchased)

 

--In Feb. 2017 I found out that the man who has a pension, inheritance and no debt unlike me has been charging me more for the apartment he chose to purchase because he wanted to take into account the fact that he was paying his taxes using his inheritance/savings though he failed to take into consideration my lack of savings or to tell me once he began working full-time for the city.

 

--He tells me it wasn't malicious, that he allowed his mother to influence him because $300 would be less than what I was paying at the other place and he just thought that the $300 was set in stone when we discussed it. I told him that it was set in stone once he found out how much everything was once he purchased the apartment and that I believed he would talk to me. I'm not upset at the fact that I've been paying $300 a month to live somewhere, I'm upset that he failed to discuss it with me and allowed me to put that into a legal agreement that I paid for, as well. I told him that it would be like having me purchase a car in my name and having him pay more even though he should be paying less because he had previously mentioned being able to pay a little more. I am upset because I would NEVER consider doing this to someone I loved. I have worked hard to make him a part of my family even inviting his mother to my family's home during the holidays and if I wouldn't do this to my family, I wouldn't do it to him, his mother wouldn't do it to him and vice versa. I am SO hurt, I have lost a lot of respect and trust in him. I don't feel that he was worth it and I regret not dating/fooling around before I met him and wish I'd met a guy who knew how to treat a lady right (this guy NEVER plans anything romantic). My depression has come back and I feel that it was because of his actions and now I'm unsure of whether or not I'm in love.

 

 

I cannot thank you all enough if you managed to read this all. I found it impossible to condense but, in a nutshell, there is my dilemna: Can someone nearing 30 change? is this man worth it? I know looking is something human beings just do but this was nearly obsessive and disrespectful. We're considering couple's counseling. Would you leave? I'd love a man's opinion as well.

 

Thank you all!

[gebaird]

Can someone nearing 30 change? is this man worth it? I know looking is something human beings just do but this was nearly obsessive and disrespectful. We're considering couple's counseling. Would you leave? I'd love a man's opinion as well.

 

Yes, someone nearing 30 can change ... but WILL he change? I think that's the question you should really be asking. And I think you know the answer.

 

Looking is natural. Obsessively ogling is awful.

 

And the knife incident ... my goodness. It's crazy you felt you had to do that to protect yourself. Definitely not a good sign that the conflict became so intense.

 

The $300 thing should be the least of your concerns, although it seems to be what prompted this post.

 

Personally, I think couples counseling will buy you some time, but it won't change the outcome. If he hasn't stepped up in two years of dating, he's simply not going to do it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Are you living together? It may be best to focus on your own well being right now and continue mental health care and therapy. Were you taken to the hospital in lieu of being arrested?

 

Unfortunately the relationship sounds toxic and you should get out rather than hoping he changes.

We got into such a horrible fight that I pulled a knife on him so that he would leave me alone, because he kept grabbing me, after I told him it was over and I ended up getting help but instead being taken to a psychiatric hospital.

[Lizeth90]

We are living together. I was not arrested but I was taken to a hospital and released and they said it was unnecessary because I pulled the knife in self defense. The therapist I spoke to had never seen me but felt I was a threat to him because she failed to ask what lead to me pulling that knife. If she had, she would have known that was unnecessary.