How to get over all that hot steamy sex?!

[malinka]

Can someone give me some honest advice on how to let go of an ex-girlfriend once and for all? I went out with my ex-girlfriend for only three months and already one year has passed and I cannot let her out of my mind at all.

 

Let me start off by saying that she was a confirmed psycho and female player- I met one of her ex-boyfriends and realized that she is indeed mentally ill. She was incredibly sweet in the beginning, like an angel, showering me with gifts, compliments, even travelling 1000 miles to see me. But she treated me terribly as soon as she realized that I was 'hooked' - made fun of me, flirted, cheated with tons of guys, but managed to act super-innocent anytime I told her we're breaking up. It was actually I that initiated the breakup and I even got some good revenge back on her. I changed my numbers and everything, and I know she was heartbroken.

She cried like crazy when we broke up and did everything to try to get me back - even a surprise phone call on my new number 6 months later.

 

The main problem was that the sex was UNBELIEVABLE. This was like the pinnacle of ecstasy. Even though a year has passed, I see her face on every single girl that walks past me, I remember her sweet smell, we did it in the strangest places at the riskiest times, she had a body like a model, she knew how to build up that anticipation and literally made me beg for it, the kisses were always in the perfect places at the perfect times, she had a way of using words that made me shiver, we were in each other's arms sweating for hours all night long, she said I was the first person to bring her to an orgasm - it was Perfect.

 

I have tried EVERYTHING: I started dance lessons, I threw away everything of hers, I workout everyday, I have a new set of friends, I'm learning a new language, I moved to a different city, I started a new job, I took a long 3 month vacation!! and I still think of her and see her in my head every day. I'm not a sex addict, I don't even masturbate anymore!

I can't sleep with other woman after her, in fact she was already a rebound relationship. I discovered her only 3 days after breaking up with my previous ex-girlfriend. I could technically become a player now, and just go from women to women, rebound to rebound, but I don't want to become that type of person.

 

The truth is that I hate her, she was an awful human being with a typical Jekyll and Hyde personality disorder, but is there anyway to let go of all that hot sex we had, or am I now stuck with that image for life ??

I read once, that the best sex we'll ever have is with a psychotic woman. I really, really hope that that's not true.

[Hrtlessbabe]

She the type that NEEDS alot of attention. Love hurt and You just have to move on. Try to keep yourself occupied. I hate to admits it but for some reason ...she kinda sound like me, pretty sad.

[minew]

maybe there is another side to this mystery..alot of guys don't want to dig DEEP and realize that maybe she really wasn't that bad ? and that maybe she wouldn't have flirted and stuff if you had have been more there for HER? you said she gave you gifts and travled miles to get to you! did you do that type of stuff for her? maybe you know deep inside that there was more YOU could've done to keep her happy like really listening to her.sounds like you've go it BAD! and it sounds like ya'll have some kind of connection.I'm talkin' from experience about guys blaiming their girlfriends because THEY have commitment issues....maybe i'm way off..just another angle for you to look at?!!! 8)

[malinka]

Sure, as humans we all make mistakes. I've learned from mine, mainly in realizing the signals of a psycho person, but in general the good things she did for me were only the crumbs of a pie. I traveled a long distance to see her several times, I made surprise vacations for her, I made her a calendar which put something nice about her on each day of the year (she cried after that one) but I also wasn't a doormat and retained a sense of mystery. I was ready to move in with her...

 

However, after 3 months of honeymoon-like fantasy, she suddenly called to cancel all our plans, including a trip to Italy which I had proposed for our 1'st anniversary of our relationship, she gradually started cutting off all contact with me and telling me that she would love to marry several men one day because she LOVES flirting. As Hrtlessbabe said - she was a typical attention *hore. So she proposed that we take a break and then come back together in a few months - and that's when I dumped her.

 

The ONLY thing that connected us was mind-numbing sex. It was like a drug that eased the stress of our life. And my question, is how do I get rid of all these side-effects? The fantasy of that sex always gets greater power than the reality of why I left her.

[minew]

cool..it sucks you can't get that part of the relationship out of your head..maybe it will always be there..it's pretty normal. hang in there.." you're not alone" have fun and try and get some good sex from someone else!lol..good luck

[heloladies21]

OK man, here's your problem and your medicine.

 

Problem: You've built up this chick in your mind as the pinnacle member of the female sex. I'm sure she was hot and great in bed and all that, but dude, there is nothing that she did which someone else can't do -->

 

Medicine: Hook up with some chicks for 1 night stands and short term sexual relationships. True, you'd be lucky to find someone who can do things as great as your ex did right off the bat, but if you concentrate on looking, eventually you will find a chick who does things even better!

 

Come on buddy, it's been a year and you sound emotionally over her. The next girl you hook up with won't be a rebound as a result. So get out there and show them what you're all about. Your ex will become a distant memory quick.

[Tears May Fall]

wow i didnt think i had someone that was going through the SAME EXACT thing i was...except my relationship just ended a month ago.

i was in a 8 month relationship with an older woman(im 21, shes 29), and at first it was just talking and hanging out, but after the physicalness, our bodies seemed to click in ways she couldnt describe. She said i was the first guy to bring her sex which was unbelievable good, but also passionate and very affectionate. She's been the type of date alot of guys when shes single, but shes been married twice by now, and i was surprised she wanted to have a committed exclusive relationship with me, over anyone else at the time, considered she had just came out a divorce a few months prior.

Several months into the relationship, she would tell me things like she feels like the luckiest girl in the world to have a guy like me in her life, and that i provide her with things(affection, sweetness, caring, etc...nothing materialistic) she never had before, saying she feels for me things like she has never felt before, she said i swept her off her feet. I treated this girl with the deepest caring and affection and feelings i ever dished out in over 3 years, never did i feel so good about giving my all to someone. Our biggest problem however was that we were at different stages in life, im still a college student finishing up my graduate degree, while shes well into her career, and is a very wealthy, independent woman, and mother. The greatest times of our relationship, was when we were together, one on one, wether it was hanging out, going out socially, going on vacations together, but mainly, it was the hot, steamy amazing sex, like neither of us had it before, it literally never stopped, there was never anything but full comfort and dying desire for one another to just please each other to the fullest extreme.

So eventually she started changing saying she didnt know how she let this relationship get this far, she started distancing herself from me, not calling as much, saying im not on her list of priorities at the moment, that she has alot of stress on her mind and she doesnt need the stress of a guy(me) on top of that, etc, and that we were had alot of irreconcilable differences. Eventually she just kept insisting that we're not right for each other, that aside from the sex and physical contact, theres really nothing deeper than that, etc. and after a few ups and downs, she eventually broke things off. You guys dont even want to know what happened that night, why she exactly decided to break up with me...

I gave it my all, i have no regrets because i did nothing less than be myself and do the best i possibly can to try to be the greatest guy i can to her, yet it wasnt enough for her, I was real upset, i was heartbroken, and i dont know why, even though i have all the reasons to get over her and put her behind me, i cant seem to for some reason. As much as all the things i do to keep myself busy, from school, studying, work, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, trying to meet new girls, etc...i cant seem to ever focus on anything and she consistently pops back into my mind, like somehow something isnt allowing me to let go, and its killing me feeling like this. The mind, boggling sex does play a factor. Its hard for me to try to just move on and find another girl. I used to be able to do that in the past, because i always had a fault in the relationship, like i couldve done this or couldve done that, but this time i felt like i did everything right, perhaps a few minor little instances where i mightve forgotten something or not been chivalrous, but only small human mistakes anyone can forgive, anyone except this girl who expects perfection out of everything(yet she denies the existence of perfection). Shes the type to always want more, always want better. In her mentality, everything in life can always be better, you should always aim higher and go for more, whereas my motto is, you should be happy with what you got, cuz it can always be worse. Both sides have their advantages, but i believe in her mentality is certain areas of life, whereas she doesnt believe in my mentality AT ALL. Someone said she might suffer from NPD, narcissitic personality disorder, because she does tend to think her way is the best way, and that she lives an amazing life, and that shes gods gift to men, etc.

Normally i'd just carry on with my life and be like eh she wasnt the one for me, but this time, i dunno what it is that i cant get over it yet, and i dont even want to bother with another girl because im afraid of being hurt again, i dont even want to give another girl any effort whatsoever, not even bother saying hi, forget a date, i think my heart has turned to stone or something. I dont know what to do...can someone offer their advice as to why i cant stop thinking about her

[malinka]

>Problem: You've built up this chick in your mind as the pinnacle member >of the female sex. I'm sure she was hot and great in bed and all that, >but dude, there is nothing that she did which someone else can't do -->

 

Good point. I'd also add that since I was the one that dumped her, I could literally call her anyday and get all that sex back. This is particularly frustrating because every time I see someone who looks similar, or watch some movie, I'm tempted to make that quick phone-call.

 

 

>Medicine: Hook up with some chicks for 1 night stands and short term >sexual relationships. True, you'd be lucky to find someone who can do >things as great as your ex did right off the bat, but if you concentrate on >looking, eventually you will find a chick who does things even better!

 

That would definitely solve the problem with the ex, but as I'm approaching 30, I'm through with fooling around. All my friends have gotten some serious VDs, and I got out lucky. I can't sleep with someone unless I love them. I do flirt with women, dance with them, go out on dates, but I see that ex-girl's face with every single one.

 

Vicious cycle...

[Tears May Fall]

yea i kinda have that problem too...i cant sleep with someone unless im a committed relationship with them where both sides have mutually strong feelings, and it isnt going to be just a one night stand. Ive had a couple(one night stands) in the past, but i never could actually end up sleeping with the girl, did everything up until sleeping with her, but just didnt feel comfortable going all the way. All my friends are all players like that, so its even harder for me with their pressure constantly in my face. Ive always been the committed type, because i wouldnt want someone playing me like that in return if the tables were turned.

I flirt with girls, talk to them, but eventually, its like i just dont care anymore about being involved with the opposite sex at this point, i dont know whats wrong with me as this isnt my normal self. I usually have no problem dating and am very confident to bring the girl on and let her get to know me and all, but this time around, somethings changed, this was a huge blow to my ego, and i cant get it out of my system. I want myself back, i miss being comfortable and confident around the opposite sex, attracting them like kids to a cookie jar. Ive never had a problem landing a second date with a girl, but this time around, i dont even want to bother with the first because i could give two sh&*s less.

Its like failing an exam that you tried and studied the BEST you possibly can for, and you knew you couldnt try any harder, yet you still failed, would you really feel like wanting to take a makeup?

Its messed up when people just change on someone all of the sudden out of nowhere, when you're nowhere to blame, these Dr jekyl and Mr Hyde's.

[malinka]

As much as all the things i do to keep myself busy, from school, studying, work, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, trying to meet new girls, etc...i cant seem to ever focus on anything and she consistently pops back into my mind, like somehow something isnt allowing me to let go, and its killing me feeling like this.

 

I hear ya man. I thought she'd eventually evaporate from my mind but here I am one year later still looking for help. She just keeps popping up in my head no matter what I do. I feel strangely loyal to her especially since I worked so hard to try to be the perfect man. Usually I'd just forget about an ex and get on with my life.

 

I thought that maybe I was being too shallow about the whole thing- I mean it's "just sex"?? So I started reading literature, philosophy, even going to opera. But she constantly creeps up in my head, and shows up in my dreams.

 

Also, part of the problem is the inherent difference between the sexes: A woman needs to be in love in order to have sex, while a man falls in love while having sex. It's just like in that movie Dr. Zhivago, where Komarovsky, a treacherous lover get sexually hooked on beautiful Lara and keeps coming back to her even though they're completely incompatible outside of the sex.

 

Its like failing an exam that you tried and studied the BEST you possibly can for, and you knew you couldnt try any harder, yet you still failed, would you really feel like wanting to take a makeup?

 

BINGO! I know that my ex did the same thing to every guy before me. She would just dwarf into a psycho-bot right out of the blue. Even if she dated Brad Pitt it wouldn't change anything. But that thought of sleeping with her again is ready and alive no matter how hard I try. Women with NPD are the worst because they use men like sex toys.

[nirvana_angel22]

Hey Hang in there.

 

Its something about thinking that you finally found the one, even if it was just for a few months that everything is so incredible.

 

I've been in this predicament. I've fallen in love deeply and hard and he was absolutely so damn incredible that everytime I ever tried to break up with him, if he just held me or pulled me close all my resistance would just melt away completely. ANd the sex was absolutely awesome and you're right we'd do it anywhere. And in the car, outside the mall, in the middle of teh day even at school but it was awesome. After feeling so lost and so lonely he would know exactly how to hold me tight and kiss me and make me feel unlonely and unlost you know?

 

Of course the truth is I was just deluding myself. he wasn't a good guy just like she's not the one for you. My guy never flirted with other woman but he had a real nasty temper where he would tell me that eventually he'd get physical. And every time I knew I needed to get away from him - I'd be so close but he knew exactly what to do and the fact is I did want to be comforted.

 

NOw even though I still remember what he was like and it was so damn incredible I just think about my current interests. I'm not ready for a serious relationship again yet. I was with this guy for two years. Its been six months now adn I'm still feeling what you're going through.

 

Just have a good support system and feel the feelings. Don't cheat , go through the denial the anger the depression and finally the acceptance. And then go on and have a new relationship having learned more and knowing what not to do adn what not to accept.

 

I'm still int the anger and depression stage, moving onto acceptance slowly. But hey just going out on dates - no sex for a while, gotta clean out my system is fun and helps me heal. Try it. It seems to work for me.

[Tears May Fall]

as half drunk as i am, im going to try to reply...

Im a 6'2, 200 lb guy who has been told by many girls to be a good looking, very phyiscally fit guy with a amazing personality, so ive never had a problem meeting girls...this is what ive been told by friends/ex's

Nowadays, even a girl is smiling or flirting at me i could care less and wont even bother to talk to her...now thats not likely of me, and this whole thing with my ex has quite a bit to do with it....anyone know how i can just get out of this phase...please help me, and it hasnt got a thing to do with trying to bag girls, but just getting out of the "whatever" plhase and feeling loose and free about things again, like nothings holding me back in the back of my mind...pardon my NYC slang

[malinka]

I woke up this morning with a proposed solution. This may get technical.

 

Ok, it's obvious that I'm extremely pus*sy-whipped to the highest degree like in that movie 'whipped', and the more I hate her, the more I get under her spell. So in my mind, I'm still trying to be that perfect man - I'm still doing everything to keep her happy in my head.

 

1) From now on, I'm going to do the exact opposite of whatever she liked about me. When she said that all her ex-boyfriends were slobs and losers, and I was the first intelligent one, I'm going to purposefully pretend that I'm a slob and loser - everything to preserve that image of her being UNhappy in my head.

 

2) I'm going to discover and deprogram all the 'triggers' that cause me to think about her like turning on the shower, switching on the TV, writing an email in the evening, opening yahoo messenger, checking my voicemail, eating dinner alone, reading any poem, lifting weights, walking on the beach, telling a joke...

[justsweetgirl]

I couldn't bring myself to read further than the fact that you cannot let go of a confirmed psycho and player after a year. All I can say is, if you believe you deserve nothing better, you won't be disappointed. Where is your self-esteem?

[Tears May Fall]

yea man, i thought i had it bad, but i know this girl didnt deserve me atleast, all my friends told me that, that she isnt on your level in terms of caring, shes only out to look out for herself, etc.

Dont lower yourself to those type of people, theyre the ones that'll end up on the bottom, lonely and upset as to why no1 decent or worthwhile wants to stick out with them, you dont want to join them, so pull yourself together, theres other like you out there, sure the sex was good, but that isnt good enough a reason to stay with someone whom you feel isnt treating you right, or you say changed on you, you cant rely on inconsistent people like that. It wont be worth your time.

[Tears May Fall]

Another piece of advice of what im noticing about you, why are you trying to RUN from your challenges and obstacles, thats not going to help. You are giving her more power by running away, saying you cant handle it. You have to pull yourself together and say "i was better than that anyway, im staying right where i am, because im great on my own, i shouldnt have to lower myself or change for others." Why are you trying to change your life around by relocating, getting a new job, traveling for months, thats all running from your problems. They will always follow you. You have to stick put and tell your problems when they come at you, to get out of your face and that you can handle them with no problem whatsoever, you're a bigger man than that. Dont avoid things that remind you of her, instead face them and say "you dont phase me."

This wasnt your wife, you werent living with her, You dont have to change who you are, because that wont do anything but lower yourself and give more power to her, and why are you consistently trying to be what SHE wants you to be, whereas you should try to be what you want yourself to be. Two people should be on equal levels providing one another with almost everything one another needs, out of pure heart and will, and if one person isnt willing to compromise or understand, then theyre not worth your time. Dont ever live in someone elses shoes and let them overpower you like that. Thats for wussies, and im sure you're better than that. Live for yourself, triumph for yourself, make your goals in life solely based on what you want, and then you will prosper. State to women what you want, what you're looking for, and what you can offer right from the beggining, and that if theyre not OK with that or they cant offer that, then you have to let them know you're going to have to cut them loose, dont be afraid to reject someone, let them meet your standards, dont try to meet theirs before you meet your own first. Its all about displaying confidence, and youre not displaying much of it at all right now. Dont ever take a step down for someone else, unless theyre family, but not for a S/O, unless you're married to her.