Please help - my boyfriend of 4.5 years just left me

[Brkn4592]

You are not alone there- your situation sounds eerily similar to mine. I guess my situation is slightly different because my relationship has been here before. Myself and my ex had a difficult few months recently- some related to work stress and some difficult family circumstances. So I totally relate. Very quickly my ex decided we were really done this time. And like you, he has had little contact with me (well, now he isn't responding to me whatsoever) and any contact is only related to non-personal matters.

You don't owe him a response every time he asks about the apartment- ignore him. At the end of the day, if he isn't willing to be cooperative with you when YOU ask a question, you don't have to be cooperative with him. My ex does the same thing. It's a manipulation and a power struggle where he KNOWS he has the power. Just ignore him. I know that is virtually an impossible concept to accept because you are hurting but from my experience, pushing him for answers will push him away faster than a Jet.

This does sound much more complicated than my situation (I know my ex simply got fed up of the arguments and my 'moods') and it sounds like there may be a little more going on here than meets the eye. But who knows.

 

All I can say is, be prepared for anything. There are a million reasons why people walk out and it's not always what we expect or want to hear. But clearly if you have been seeking answers and he isn't providing them, then he isn't going to anytime soon, no matter how much you push.

Also, like yourself, I have a similar relationship with my exe's Mother, but be careful with that- that's still HIS Mother, and my ex got even angrier with me for talking too much to his Mum.

Give it about 2 or 3 weeks- maybe even a month. That is going to sound like hell right now but I think that NC is your best bet here. The last thing you want to do it make matters worse.

And if, after that, it still doesn't work, you really have to just say 'I'm better than this' and move on. I'm in the same boat right now and all I can do myself is leave him alone. Perhaps he just needs time to get his head around everything.

Good luck x

 

Yep, so we ended up speaking over the phone again Friday night as I don't think he is being honest at all about things. He admitted to hanging out with this person (from work) yet still denies anything going on even though there are conflicting stories now going around in public. I feel like he could be filling the void of me not being around and not actually dealing with the breakup at all? I'm not silly, and I do think there is something going on but I cannot dwell on it any further. She is a complete opposite to me, and I think he thinks they may be compatible, he is attracted and thinks the 'spark' is there but I truly don't think it will last nor do others.

Did you end up, after having NC for a while, being able to talk to each other about things? Or are you still NC?

I feel like he isn't being honest and what he has done is so out of character. I will definitely leave him alone - I am in a good head space at the moment to do that and I definitely think we will benefit from a few weeks, even months of NC. He has lost my trust, and my family's trust though so the chances of being able to be friends or reconcile at some stage in the future is close to zero. That is very true though about there being a million different reasons why. He keeps saying he lost feelings, we distanced etc but still loves and cares for me? I think the most amount of time we have had so far NC is 5 days and it's been 5.5 weeks since the breakup so definitely need to cut communication now and see what happens.

[MissCanuck]

Miss Canuck - Sounds like we definitely have had a similar breakup. Did he try to reach out to you afterwards or was the communication cut from the beginning?

Did you ever keep in touch at all?

He still follows me on social media and his Facebook is still in a relationship (I deleted him so this removed my name from the status). He keeps watching my stories on Instagram too. I definitely think he had checked out of the relationship and thinks it fizzled due to how comfortable we were with each other. I recognise that now. We literally lived out of each other's pockets in a small apartment for the last 2.5 years. Anyways I do realise it's over and my best move is NC.

Did your ex ever come back regretting his decision?

My ex and I had the most wonderful relationship and he said it was the last few months that he has felt different. But he loves me and cares for me? Ugh! I feel like if I go NC he will come crawling back in a few months. Did this happen to you?

I will keep strong and continue to move forward and start making some personal goals to work towards.

 

Honestly, we couldn't go No Contact immediately as we lived together and had some joint assets and finances that needed to be divided and sorted out. Our conversations were generally limited to those topics, though. He wanted once to go out for dinner to catch up but I declined. Frankly, I didn't see the point.

 

That was about 5 years ago, and no, we are not in contact anymore. I was emotionally ready to move on from him, and he wound up marrying the woman he'd been unfaithful with. Even if they hadn't stayed together, I very much doubt we'd have reunited. We were drifting apart and our lives were heading in different directions anyway.

 

I was nearly 31 at the time, too. My age hasn't been a factor in finding happiness again, though. It has, however, made me wiser and more selective. You will be okay, too. Take your time healing. I'm sure glad I did!

[Brkn4592]

Honestly, we couldn't go No Contact immediately as we lived together and had some joint assets and finances that needed to be divided and sorted out. Our conversations were generally limited to those topics, though. He wanted once to go out for dinner to catch up but I declined. Frankly, I didn't see the point.

 

That was about 5 years ago, and no, we are not in contact anymore. I was emotionally ready to move on from him, and he wound up marrying the woman he'd been unfaithful with. Even if they hadn't stayed together, I very much doubt we'd have reunited. We were drifting apart and our lives were heading in different directions anyway.

 

I was nearly 31 at the time, too. My age hasn't been a factor in finding happiness again, though. It has, however, made me wiser and more selective. You will be okay, too. Take your time healing. I'm sure glad I did!

 

Thanks, that's made me feel a lot better. It's such a scary thing to think you have found the one you will spend the rest of your life with to then have that taken away in 1 sentence. I feel in no way emotionally ready to move on from him but hopefully with NC and time that will change. We were never headed in different directions with our lives (but maybe I will realise after time that we were)! I am getting better and feeling like I have slightly more control in the situation. I just need to remain strong.

[Brkn4592]

Also just for another update - he texted me just before about getting a spare key back for our apartment. I told him I don't want to see him in person so would either post or leave it in the letterbox. I asked if there was anything else so we don't have to communicate further. He said no, that should be it and thanked me. I said ok thanks, all the very best to you.

And now I am CUTTING THE COMMUNICATION.

I'll keep you updated if anything happens but I truly think this is it. We're done.