Pregnant and fiancé ended things horribly. I need advice, please.

[yaya1589]

I need help on how to maintain NC/LC after my child is born. I am due in 24 days with a babygirl from my now ex fiancé.

 

I'll give the background story...it's long but please stick with it as I need help. Fiancé(27) and I(i just turned 28 ) had a very loving relationship. He was an excellent step parent to my child of a previous failed marriage. My child loved him! We then conceived our second of which I am currently pregnant of. He was very happy to be expecting a bio child of his own. But things were rocky financially in the new apartment as finances were rough on one income ...I was suffering from hyperemisis through out the pregnancy and pretty much an invalid. So as a result he got a new job in hopes of making more money. Within weeks of starting the job he became quickly distant from me and my child though I pegged the change to the new long work hours. The sex became less frequent but again I was sick, pregnant and I knew he was tired with the new work schedule. On frequent occasions we would exchange phones (we always did this, for games apps etc) I noticed on various occasions his iMessage window would be cleared off all messages. I wasn't snooping the window would be there. After noticing this for quite some time I outright asked... he said he was very OCD about his message window and liked it clear of old messages. I found it strange, he suddenly developed this "quirk" he never had. On one particular evening his phone went off as we laid side by side. It was a female coworker texting after work hours. He gave me a deer caught in head lights look. Stammered through an explanation and said he was clueless why she was texting him. His reaction led me to check his call records. Sure enough he was in fact deleting calls and texts from multiple female co workers. When confronted he said he had no idea why his phone and call records did not match that he had nothing to hide. For weeks arguments ensued I was made to feel like the crazy fiancé with her hormones acting up. Until I asked for an ultimatum. (Fyi not a fan of ultimatums but I felt crazy after two months of fishy and distant behavior. ) I asked that if it's true he had nothing to hide to log his iMessage into the iMac computer or id walk out for the night. Of course I didn't think he'd let me walk in the cold, surely my loving fiancé would allow transparency (I naively thought he truly had nothing to hide just perhaps some light flirting and that I was nipping it in the bud) he outright refused! Instead he chose the trickle truth method ...he said his texts were inappropriate and some were of the sexual nature ....he said "I can't let you see the messages they'll kill you". He told me a bit of some of the exchanges but of course didn't tell me everything. I fell to the floor but I stood by my ultimatum and walked out at 2 am and made the winter journey to my mothers apartment for the night with my other child w/- just the clothes on our back . He never stopped me and didn't try to convince me to return.

 

The next day I wasn't asked to return home. He instead proceeded to attend a holiday party that following evening, get drunk, kiss a co worker and text me all about it while saying he wanted to be single. He stated "i have been an animal to you", I was blindsided. Days of back and forth and finally on Christmas Eve night he had both my child and I visit what was still our home...or so I thought given I had been asked for space ever since the holiday party incident. I asked if his feelings for me changed and he admitted that they had. My Christmas was shattered. I then offered to move out and again no fight was put up just lots of crying on his part and "I'm sorry's" and wanting to hug me. In the midst of this crying he did admit he wanted his cake and to eat it too. Yes those exact words!

 

I slowly began the packing up process. It took me days to pack up and move out. I had no one to help me so I had to drag bags and boxes with pulley carts back and forth from his apartment to my mothers who luckily didn't live too far off. It took me 2 weeks. He never offered to at least get a moving truck instead I was asked to move my things while he was at work. This caused me to become physically ill, I lost weight, I was at risk for preterm labor and my other child was devastated and couldn't not understand why his step dad wasn't around.

 

For days and weeks after I would argue, beg, cry to get him to explain to me why he chose this method to end things. He would ignore me at times and others he would tell me he wanted me to wait for him to get mental health help before trying anything with me again. He would tell me he missed me but made no attempts to get back with me. A week after my move out his mother asked I walk her to his place(she doesn't know the area) as she had a copy of the keys to the place, she too had been worried with his sudden ending of our seemingly perfect relationship. She was dropping off food and checking if he was stocked with things. I didn't want to go on in but as pregnancy would have it I needed to use the restroom. And there it was a golden necklace with a heart shaped rhinestone in what was once my bathroom sink. In our old bedroom had an ash tray with a lipstick smeared tissue beside it. (He smokes a lot of marijuana now, we found lots of it laying around...he used to smoke it but not as heavily, at least not during our relationship ) He had also taken our oversized canvas photo and turned it in such a way that if anyone walked in to my bedroom you could not see the contents of the photo. I messaged him photos of my findings as his "I miss you's" "and I don't want to just be co parents when our daughter arrives" had me very confused and feeling betrayed finding such things...I felt strung along. As if he wanted to keep me around while he slept around or built another relationship. Till this day he will not address or admit anything about what I found. He will just say he has lots of get togethers (which I know are true as my sister happened to pick up an item of hers from his apt. in one of these get togethers) still the evidence says such items were not left under such innocent circumstances.

 

After this scenario another week went by and he kept trying to talk me into waiting for him to get mental health help(of course these statements were said when I reached out to him only). He would say he missed me but he still didnt say he loved me so his words were baffling. I was being asked to wait for him to see a doctor and then he'd miraculously want me back? After this back and forth I stopped him in his tracks and said no. Then after, I only kept up discussions about the incoming baby which he has provided nothing for. Conversations then after were unproductive so I stopped and began no contact. I am now due in 24 days we haven't spoken in days although he has expressed he wants to be in his daughter's life. Everything that has occurred has left me confused as I still do not know why he did what he did. Though I'm trying to let go of wanting to know why...I am only harming myself. With everything that has occurred how do I gain my self respect and worth back ? I can't keep doing no contact after she arrives, I will have to see him and face him after all this time. I don't feel ready.

He asked to see my child and I not too long ago (about a week and a half) but I declined as I found seeing him would only hurt me and my child yet again. I haven't faced him since that December Christmas Eve.....but now that the clock is ticking, eventually i will have to face him when my little girl arrives. What am I suppose to do? i have kept my emotions controlled after I decided he wouldn't string me along anymore but how will I do that when he's standing before me holding our child?! I have done quite a lot of healing thus far...I do not want his presence to set me back again. 😔

[gebaird]

Well, that's just awful. I'm sorry you were treated this way, and I'm glad you weren't married before all this happened.

 

It will be hard to see him, but nevertheless the two of you are about to have a child together. You'll need to learn to treat him civilly and create good boundaries. For example, talking about parenting and visitation is okay, but talking about your past relationship (or rekindling the romance) would be a bad idea.

[chitown9]

As soon as you are able, contact an attorney and seek child support for your baby. Concentrate on doing what is best for you and your baby.... chi

[charity]

That is very sad, I feel for you.

 

I'm not going to lie. This is going to be a very tough time for you. The baby coming along will be a huge challenge and you will be tired, emotional and overwhelmed.

 

I broke up with my children's father when I was pregnant, got back together , then broke up again when she was 3 months so I understand what you are going through.

 

I think his behaviour has been despicable. He's lied his way through the situation, cheated and shown himself to be both selfish and a coward.

 

There is a good chance that when the baby comes he'll decide that he wants to be a family again. Those will be the words that you dream to hear. But I guess you know that that really won't change anything. He has shown you who he is, you'll never get away from that. It will take strength to resist that.

 

I think you should take a week or two to think, then make a decision about how you want this to proceed. You have to ask yourself important questions...

What do you think should happen? How do you see this all panning out? Do you want to try to be a family again, do you want to be co parents who get on well, do you want to have as little as possible to do with him? Do you want him at the hospital when baby is born? When he comes to have the baby, will he visit your home or take the newborn away for the day, will you be breastfeeding?

 

If you have thought about all of this now, then when the time comes you will have some clarity and structure in an otherwise very trying time.

 

Then I think you need to tell him what you see for the future. You could do this in person or a letter. Of course this man will now be connected to you forever so you need to maintain calm and dignity when dealing with him or else you will drive yourself mad.

 

I know you are grieving now and trying to come to terms with the break up, so this will not be easy. But you can do it. You sound like an independent strong person and I think you will get through all this if you take some control over the matter.

 

If it was me personally in hindsight, I would not allow him at the hospital. That is your time, your health, your bonding time with your new baby. Him, arriving on with flowers and a happy face would be traumatic

I would inform him he can visit or meet up x amount of times per week when baby is a new born. When she is a little older then he can take her and have overnighters depending on your feeding situation. By the time she is one you will feel better and will perhaps be able to spend time together with the baby.

 

Good luck with it all. Enjoy your new baby. I promise, you will get through this.

[yaya1589]

He's aware he's lost his right to be in the birthing room. My daughter will also carry my last name not his. He will be alerted to her arrival when I arrive at home and THEN perhaps when his parents come to meet her he can come too. I will be breastfeeding this child just as I did with my first so no overnights. I cannot trust that he will not smoke around her as his actions as of late have only shown that he is irresponsible.

I cannot bring myself to forgive him. I can be civil as have quite the background in coparenting with my ex husband and my first child. It may take me some time though to even look at him but I vowed I would not take him back. What would I gain? More lies and a whole set of new problems trying to get over my hurt. He will never admit everything he's done and he will never understand what transparency is. No, i rather forgo the hurt. I have no idea how much hurt I'll feel once baby arrives and I am trying to find ways to prep ahead of time but I guess it's inevitable at this point. I also can't seem to stop wanting to know why! Everything blew up so suddenly and I just wish I understood but I'm sure he will never give me an explanation. I rather save myself from making conversation that'll only hurt me.

[charity]

He's aware he's lost his right to be in the birthing room. My daughter will also carry my last name not his. He will be alerted to her arrival when I arrive at home and THEN perhaps when his parents come to meet her he can come too. I will be breastfeeding this child just as I did with my first so no overnights. I cannot trust that he will not smoke around her as his actions as of late have only shown that he is irresponsible.

I cannot bring myself to forgive him. I can be civil as have quite the background in coparenting with my ex husband and my first child. It may take me some time though to even look at him but I vowed I would not take him back. What would I gain? More lies and a whole set of new problems trying to get over my hurt. He will never admit everything he's done and he will never understand what transparency is. No, i rather forgo the hurt. I have no idea how much hurt I'll feel once baby arrives and I am trying to find ways to prep ahead of time but I guess it's inevitable at this point. I also can't seem to stop wanting to know why! Everything blew up so suddenly and I just wish I understood but I'm sure he will never give me an explanation. I rather save myself from making conversation that'll only hurt me.

 

I am glad to hear that. You sound very able.

 

Yes it is hard not knowing why. Perhaps even he does not know why yet. For now you may have to accept that humans do things that don't always make sense and there is not always protection from that apart from being able to deal when it happens.

 

Looking back, can you see any red flags , things in his personality or actions that didn't sit right? Did you know him long? Did you guys move fast?

[yaya1589]

I've known him since our early high school days. Some of the red flags were his fibbing habit which i thought had been nipped when he saw that the lie would hurt me more than the truth. But now that so much has been forcibly revealed I can see he definitely qualifies as someone who is a compulsive liar. He clearly said after everything blew up "it is easier for me to say a lie than it is to say the truth". I can't quite save him from that. And I highly doubt that at this point that character flaw will ever change. I just do not have faith he will ever change his lying ways.