Boyfriend and sister

[bluestar]

My bf and his sister are very close and talk everyday. But recently I found out that they've been talking about our decision making about kids. This is particularly sensitive as he has kids and I don't, and I've had fertility treatment in the past which I don't really share with anyone unless it relevant to them. This has really upset me as he didn't ask me if it was ok to talk to her about any of our issues and I've found out months after the conversation. She doesn't feel we should try together. Besides her point of view, I now feel like they've been talking about me behind my back and that I can't trust him, and I don't know her that well, so feel she now knows about a very private matter.

[Dahl]

This is not a commentary or judgment of your feelings/reaction to how this happened, but only a proposal as to how to handle it now that it has, in a way that is hopefully least fractious for all three of you -

 

Is it possible to bring his sister into the circle of things and take her input/care with gratitude?

 

Cat is out of the bag, and sometimes it's far easier on everyone to make it feel comfortable and welcome in its new environment rather than run it down and stuff it back in the duffel.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it's not family dinner table conversation and best reserved for a couple to discuss confidentially between themselves. Unfortunately it seems he's troubled about this and felt he could turn to her for perhaps "female advice" and confided in her. It's none of her business what she feels. Ask your bf to keep personal couple talks confidential and that you'd rather he turn to you if he wants to discuss this. No one wants an armchair quarterback in their sex lives.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, the person you have issue with is your bf. Did he think that it was ok with you to discuss this with his sister? You need to make your feelings known to him.

 

For your sake, though, I would reconsider trying to have kids with this guys. Not just because he's not your husband but also because it seems like's hesitant about the proposition.

[RainyCoast]

how did you find out they talked about it and what her opinion was?

[bluestar]

Yes he did think it was ok to discuss with his sister, without asking me first. His feelings have been very different the past few months and it occurred to me he may have discussed it with her so I asked and he told me. He didn't see anything wrong with it at first. I made it clear that for me, that type if conversation is between myself and him, and if he wanted to talk about it with someone to please discuss it with me first.

 

I feel confused now. We have talked about it but he wast exactly remorseful, in fact he just said he feels like he keeps doing the wrong thing, which I said puts me on the back foot, as it makes me walk on egg shells to say if I don't like something.

 

No Dahl, thanks for your message but I don't want to bring her into the conversation-quite the opposite. It might be different if it were a different topic, not this one.

[mustlovedogs]

Devil's advocate... sometimes it is nice to talk to someone about a deep issue that isn't tied to the issue. For instance, if he discussed fears and insecurities with you, it would likely make you feel bad. I don't think it's necessarily fair to ask him to keep that to himself. If him and his sister are close, it doesn't seem that weird to use her as a confidant.

 

I understand your sensitivity, I really do - but his feelings and need to talk about them are similarly valid.

[RainyCoast]

i think if he is this close with his sister and considers her his emotional support and values her input, he would be discussing things with her that he won't discuss with others, like friends. in a way, the confidentiality of that relationship trumps a romantic one when concerns in the romantic relationship are acute and demand outside consult for a balanced perspective.

 

i understand how it makes you feel, but unless we decide that partners should not be discussed with anyone other than a therapist, they will be discussed with someone. so your private info inadvertently gets revealed in cases when they feel what they want an opinion on is vitally important.

 

i don't know if it makes you feel better that his reason for talking to her wasn't to talk about you behind your back or reveal your personal information, but to get help making one of the biggest decisions in his life.

 

if you are not okay with this now, you will not be okay with many things she'll be privy to as time goes by.

 

it sounds like he doesn't want children with you, and you do?

 

if both him and sis said having kids was a bad idea, be wary of falling into the trap of blaming the sister for putting things in his mind. it deflects your attention from the fact that you're incompatible in that regard because he doesn't want them, and then you postpone acting on it, and several years down the road you're still resentful he won't have kids, and you still want them, and you can't handle his sister and the family atmosphere is tense as f.

[bluestar]

I think if you're going to seek advice outside the relationship at least you can talk it over with the partner first. There was no need to tell her about my precious fertility treatment for example.

 

Also his views have changes a lot since talking to her. It's like the trust is gone for me. I love him but I feel so raw and hurt inside.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes he did think it was ok to discuss with his sister, without asking me first. His feelings have been very different the past few months and it occurred to me he may have discussed it with her so I asked and he told me. He didn't see anything wrong with it at first. I made it clear that for me, that type if conversation is between myself and him, and if he wanted to talk about it with someone to please discuss it with me first.

 

I feel confused now. We have talked about it but he wast exactly remorseful, in fact he just said he feels like he keeps doing the wrong thing, which I said puts me on the back foot, as it makes me walk on egg shells to say if I don't like something.

 

No Dahl, thanks for your message but I don't want to bring her into the conversation-quite the opposite. It might be different if it were a different topic, not this one.

 

I feel like you are stuck in the wrong issue. It's surely annoying that he spoke with her and I understand your offense and frustration with him.

 

But the bigger deal is that HE DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH YOU.

 

So, I think you need to make some alternate plans based on that.

[mustlovedogs]

I think if you're going to seek advice outside the relationship at least you can talk it over with the partner first. There was no need to tell her about my precious fertility treatment for example.

 

Also his views have changes a lot since talking to her. It's like the trust is gone for me. I love him but I feel so raw and hurt inside.

 

"Hi honey, I'm unhappy about this huge aspect of our relationship - can I please talk about it with someone?"

 

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Also, devils advocate again - do you have HIS permission to post about this for thousands of internet strangers to see?

[RainyCoast]

Also his views have changes a lot since talking to her.

that isn't proof of bad advice though. good advice can do that too. and the fact that he sought outside perspective on such a delicate matter speaks that he wasn't at all inclined to have kids. this was a troubling matter for him. you are triangling her already, as predicted. she's not the reason you have a problem with him. you have a problem with him because you want different things.

 

i would not want to run it by my partner "hey, is it okay if i ask my mum's opinion on you demanding i put you in my will two years into the relationship"? if i have a trusted person, tried and proven, they are for my benefit. i trust they will not disclose what i tell them to anyone, else i wouldn't be saying it.

 

and it wasn't your private matter. it's very much his private matter if he is going to have more kids, and he was sharing that. it likely was impossible to give the full picture without mentioning the fertility treatment. not like he was talking about your sexlife. he was talking about his potential fatherhood.

 

again, sister is his confidante. she will be in on a lot of things. if you don't like it now, on top of the incompatibility about a very important core issue, it would be more productive to reconsider this relationship, than to criticize his right to self-disclosure and support with and from his family/trusted persons, or triangle the sister because you'd rather deflect the anxiety onto her than face the fact he doesn't want kids with you.

[Ms Darcy]

Again, I think the real issue is that he doesn't want to have kids with you.

[mustlovedogs]

Again, I think the real issue is that he doesn't want to have kids with you.

 

Maybe so, but I think her relationship expectations are unreasonable too.

[Dahl]

Yes he did think it was ok to discuss with his sister, without asking me first. His feelings have been very different the past few months and it occurred to me he may have discussed it with her so I asked and he told me. He didn't see anything wrong with it at first. I made it clear that for me, that type if conversation is between myself and him, and if he wanted to talk about it with someone to please discuss it with me first.

 

I feel confused now. We have talked about it but he wast exactly remorseful, in fact he just said he feels like he keeps doing the wrong thing, which I said puts me on the back foot, as it makes me walk on egg shells to say if I don't like something.

 

No Dahl, thanks for your message but I don't want to bring her into the conversation-quite the opposite. It might be different if it were a different topic, not this one.

 

No, no, no worries, mate. I was just wondering if there was an aftermath approach that might suit. I sincerely feel for you and I don't disagree with your reaction, personally.

 

Is this deal-breaker territory for you? Again, not at all judging. Just trying to get my mind around this in order to hopefully offer a suggestion for your consideration.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe so, but I think her relationship expectations are unreasonable too.

 

If I were her, I would think strategically. Which one is more likely to be the deal breaker?

 

One is about boundaries - agree or disagree - around the communication of personal information.

 

Another is about children.

 

I think it would be a waste of her time (especially her biological time) to work things out around the communication boundaries if the children incompatibility remains.

[Dahl]

If I were her, I would think strategically. Which one is more likely to be the deal breaker?

 

One is about boundaries - agree or disagree - around the communication of personal information.

 

Another is about children.

 

I think it would be a waste of her time (especially her biological time) to work things out around the communication boundaries if the children incompatibility remains.

 

Bluestar, I hope you are still here - I believe the above advice is bang on brilliant and would be very keen to know what you think. It's far better said than I could manage. Hope it helps.

 

Cheers.

[bluestar]

Thanks for the replies. It is a boundary issue.

 

I feel posting on a site is fine as it's anonymous and doesn't use anyone's ID. That's why most people use it.

 

I had a typo on my previous post: it was meant to say previous not precious.

[bluestar]

I love him so much but I'm feeling hurt and angry. I want to work through it though.

I don't know his sister well as we live in different countries and she is quite different from me. She's quite a dominant character.

The main thing is really between the two if us ( bf and I) and how we work through it I think. It's never the conflict, but how it is/isn't resolved and how two people move forward.

[bluestar]

I love him so much but I'm feeling hurt and angry. I want to work through it though.

I don't know his sister well as we live in different countries and she is quite different from me. She's quite a dominant character.

The main thing is really between the two if us ( bf and I) and how we work through it I think. It's never the conflict, but how it is/isn't resolved and how two people move forward.

 

This is in response to Dahl.

[bluestar]

....................

[Unreasonable]

If this was some other girl, I'd be upset about it, but she's his sister. You came here to tell complete strangers about your husband. Before the internet, who would you have told? Probably a relative, or a very close friend. One way or another, people need confidants outside of their marriage (which you obviously understand, since you are here). Not every little thing can be hashed through with the spouse.

[Ms Darcy]

I love him so much but I'm feeling hurt and angry. I want to work through it though.

I don't know his sister well as we live in different countries and she is quite different from me. She's quite a dominant character.

The main thing is really between the two if us ( bf and I) and how we work through it I think. It's never the conflict, but how it is/isn't resolved and how two people move forward.

 

Could you stay in this relationship with him given that he doesn't want kids with you?

[bluestar]

If this was some other girl, I'd be upset about it, but she's his sister. You came here to tell complete strangers about your husband. Before the internet, who would you have told? Probably a relative, or a very close friend. One way or another, people need confidants outside of their marriage (which you obviously understand, since you are here). Not every little thing can be hashed through with the spouse.

 

Going online and using a forum like this is confidential. Divulging to a close friend of family member without telling you breaches confidentiality and can cause tensions.

[bluestar]

Ms Darcy I appreciate your input, but you're fixated on this issue which is not why I posted.