Is he jealous? Should I be upset?

[goodvibess]

Hello all, appreciate very much that you guys are reading

 

To give some background, I've been dating this guy for almost a month now. We aren't exclusive, so technically "seeing" each other but we do communicate and we are only seeing each other and not other people. I'm known to be very open and trustworthy and he seems to be a trustworthy guy. However, I've had guys lie to my face before, and I do have some trust issues, so I would seek constant validation that he is still just seeing me or if he still feels it with me. In that regard, I feel really needy but I definitely worked on it and I try my best to be reasonable and give people the space and benefit of the doubt. I've told him to be open and honest if anything were to change in his part. So I do believe we have a good amount of respect for each other, I do think he struggles a bit with communicating his feelings or wrapping his head around emotional things, and I'm an emotional person but it's working out for the time being.

 

So the problem is, he has a lot of guy friends, and he parties and drinks on the weekends all night, with his friends. I don't mind but sometimes I do worry things might happen sometimes with other girls (girls that are friends with his friends cause he literally doesn't have female friends). Considering we are only seeing each other, I don't have that "label" security. So I don't want to say anything that would rub him the wrong way, but I solely believe in space in a relationship. Going to me, most of my friends are male. Strictly friends. I've never ed one, never had a casual dating phase with them, none whatsoever. He does know that, but I recently recorded a video and posted it on snapchat of my friends birthday party with my friends and I, hanging out ( 2 guys and another girl ). Earlier that day though he called me and we talked, and he said he would call later that night. So I texted him while I was at at the party when he was going to call because it was getting a bit late (12am). I knew he was out with his guy friends, but he still insisted in calling when I told him he should just have fun with this friends and call me when he can. He texts back "Looks like there are plenty of guys at the party, you can talk to them. " He put a winking-kiss emoji. I wasn't sure if this was his way of being playful or he was just alarmingly jealous. I mean don't get me wrong I get jealous too, but I don't act on it or say it in that way. I felt disrespected, I felt like he didn't trust me and it ruined the rest of the night for me. I called him and told him how I felt. He just said "Don't worry, I'm not mad! Relax and have fun." I brought up how I felt disrespected and knowingly I gave him freedom to be with his friends, now I feel like he made me feel guilty for hanging out with mines. It just seems semi-manipulative. Anyways, I guess most girls would be happy a guy is jealous but I find it scary. He also REALLY believes he's not a jealous type. Another concern was when I asked him "What if a guy just swooped in and tried to take your girl, or flirt with her?" His response was "I will find another girl to talk to." I told him this was a pure jealous move. But he denied it being so because he isn't jealous of the guy. He is talking to another girl cause he will know the girl will be jealous and come back. So now I feel maybe he's narcissistic? So that rang in the back of my mind when this "go talk to other guys" text came in, and all I thought was, he is probably talking to other girls now cause he thinks I'm talking to other guys ._.

 

So sorry for the long message, but it'll be nice to see some different perspectives. This is how I feel. I really like him and I feel we have potential but should I have been mad? Should I have communicated so? Is he being jealous? Manipulative?

[Dahl]

I asked him "What if a guy just swooped in and tried to take your girl, or flirt with her?" His response was "I will find another girl to talk to." I told him this was a pure jealous move.

 

Quick clarification request - can you please elaborate on your thinking as to why you deem this a 'pure jealous move?'

[Sweetheart9]

I think he definitely felt a little jealous when he seen the two guys. But if he is saying that stuff honestly he's talking to other girls. Guys drinking can lead to plenty of hormones and well drunk females are usually pretty easy sadly. I think you kinda need to let him know you need that "label" to feel like he's really committed

[goodvibess]

i think its a pure jealous move because it bothers him. he reacts to the fact that a guy is talking to "his" girl, whether he is jealous of the guy, he's jealous of the interaction, and that enough makes him do something as immature as to talk to another girl to get his girl to pay attention to him.

[j.man]

I'd say his "you can talk to the other guys" comment was a yellow flag. I think you'd have had a much better chance of knowing if he was being jealous / passive aggressive if you'd let it go and seen if he'd still carry on with it. Unfortunately, I do think it was blown out of proportion and now there's no real way to know.

 

But you asked him a loaded question. The way you worded it makes it sound like you flirting back or at the very least not asserting relationship boundaries while the guy "swoops in." Many women would like to hear that their guy would be more dominant in a situation where another guy is very obviously hitting on his girlfriend. Others would find that insecure and want him to trust that she can maintain appropriate boundaries herself. Given your self-professed need for validation, I'm not sure what answer he could have given you that would make you happy. You started the game by asking the question and he continued the game with his answer.

[Ms Darcy]

So sorry for the long message, but it'll be nice to see some different perspectives. This is how I feel. I really like him and I feel we have potential but should I have been mad? Should I have communicated so? Is he being jealous? Manipulative?

 

You are much too much, in my opinion. You have only been dating the guy for a month and it sounds like you are just holding back on your neediness long enough for you to get the gf label so you can really let your insecurities show.

 

While you are OK yourself with being needy and seeking validation, you aren't OK with him showing any vulnerability. In fact you made his "looks like there are plenty of guys ..." all about you and you rather dramatically let it "ruin your night" - which is a little bit narcissistic to be honest.

 

And finally, you needled him with a question about if a guy swooped in and started flirting with "your girl." What the heck? There's no need for that kind of question except to prod some sort of jealousy out of him.

 

So, I think you need to stop texting him so much and just focus on dating and getting to know him.

[Naomi99]

Honestly, he sounds like a cool guy. I think he was being humorous and seems pretty secure with who he is.

 

You, on the other hand, seem like the insecure one.

[HeartGoesOn]

Another concern was when I asked him "What if a guy just swooped in and tried to take your girl, or flirt with her?" His response was "I will find another girl to talk to.

 

^

These are your own insecurities speaking. No offense, but I would stop baiting him with this high school nonsense, and start treating him as a person you'd like to know.

 

BTW, I love his answer...