I blocked my ex everywhere but this urge of sending this last message

[luisannalui]

Day #17 Had a dream about her leaving to the other state. She knows I have access to her instagram and in a message she said this week is her last in our state. I believe nothing of what she say, I feel this is to get attention. But I can't wait she leaves! She should leave today!

[boltnrun]

I thought you blocked her "everywhere"!

 

So how are you able to see all this stuff on her social media?

 

Also, what's the point of blocking if you're still looking?

[luisannalui]

I mentioned earlier I unblocked her. I did not want to give her too much of importance.

 

Yes, I am guilty by still checking her social media. I can't stop is something stronger than me. At least I feel proud of controlling myself and not sending that last message. And also that I did not respond or asked why she called me drunk the other day.

 

Im able to see her messages because she knows I have access to her account. She told me laughing that she wont change it to make me suffer. Idk if shes really leaving but what I do know is that at least Im "controlling" myself on things I wouldn't have before.

 

I want to go out today. Since December I do not go out, A friend invited me to meet today. Im thinking about it. Even my brother told me that he noticed Im doing the same thing every day. Let see what happens.

[boltnrun]

Are you hoping to see signs she misses you and wants to come back to you?

 

I can't figure out the purpose of looking. Doesn't it hurt you? If so, why are you deliberately hurting yourself?

[luisannalui]

No, honestly Im not looking for any signs. She called me drunk and I did not use this opportunity to talk to her. Shes moving out of the states and wanting me to know about it but all I want is she leave for good. Shes crazy and post weird things. Sometimes related to her or sometimes just to bother. I know shes out of my life and I've been fighting with my mind, to convince her thats shes out for good. But its hard. Shes the drug Im the addicted. But believe me, It gets better. Before I used to do it every day.

 

Yes it does hurt me. Especially when I see pictures of her son. Two weeks ago it did bring me down but not anymore. It does hurt but as I said, it does get better.

 

I know I need to stop stalking her social media to 💯 focus on moving on.

 

A week before I had this urged of sending the last message, not anymore. I have faith that in some weeks I will be posting better updates.

[luisannalui]

Day #18

 

Im trying my best to stop stalking her social media. Now with this new whatsapp update is the same as snapchat I confirmed that She still has me on her contacts. Today her sister who have not talk to me after BU, asked me for a favor. In other times I would have say no or other ppl.But I agree to help her. We did not talk about her sister and I didnt even ask about her or son. Supposedly shes leaving out of state on Tuesday. Praying that she leaves!

[luisannalui]

Day #19

Im sick and tired of waking up and you are the first person in my mind. I feel this hole inside me. I know you are not good for me. I know I need to forget about you. That I need to move on. Im going to def focus this week to move on. I need to do what is in my power to make this happen.

[lovelyworld]

Day #18

 

Im trying my best to stop stalking her social media. Now with this new whatsapp update is the same as snapchat I confirmed that She still has me on her contacts. Today her sister who have not talk to me after BU, asked me for a favor. In other times I would have say no or other ppl.But I agree to help her. We did not talk about her sister and I didnt even ask about her or son. Supposedly shes leaving out of state on Tuesday. Praying that she leaves!

 

I hope my ex would leave. It would make me sad, but it would make it easierrrr.

[luisannalui]

She wants to start a new life. With him in her plans, I guess. By her leaving she's proving once again that Im not part of her life and that she doesn't care about me. Today is day #1 no social media stalking. I want to use this as a learning tool to control my impulsiveness and masochism. I hope I can make it. It doesn't do any good to me to stalk her. I discovered that whenever I miss her I go and stalk her to "feel better" but its the complete opposite.

[luisannalui]

Day #20 went to the movie last night with my friend. feeling better today. Couldn't control myself to check her profile. Starting today again. I really want to move on.

[luisannalui]

Its official, you left our state, our city " the city that never sleeps". You never went to pick up the clothes I bought for your son at baby sitter apartment because baby daddy said no. For the second time, You allowed baby daddy to tell him that I wasn't his mom and that I do not exist. You didn't call me to say good-bye to him as you promised you will.

 

You left by yourself. Without baby daddy, because you are not with him. Idk if you made it up or you did try again with him and didn't work, as always. I found out through a friend of his, that he stay at our state and that he live in another apartment.

 

You posted today on your Facebook " Today I close a chapter in my life, and that chapter is you" I'm assuming that post is for him. It looks like your relationship with him didn't work out. Well you are gone, I won't feel scare anymore to meet you at a certain place.

 

You are moving on & I'm here stuck like a creep finding out about your life. But I needed to know this and hopefully this is for the best. You are gone and I hope both of us find happiness in separate way.

[luisannalui]

So, today I want to send that last message. Yes, again. I'm on day #22 I don't want to give up so many days of hard work. But I'm very upset at the fact that she left without picking up the clothes and without allowing me to say good bye to him. Right now I'm fighting with my demons. Should I send it or not? My mind says NO, for what? What am I going to earn with this? Nothing, she left already. But my heart say YES. So this is the message:

 

You didn't bother to pick up J clothes or allowed me to say good bye to him. Its not the clothes that bother me, its that once again I created a false illusion on him so that you cowardly allow dad to tell him that I do not exist, dragging your own child with your instability. "J" is not to blame for having an immature father and a ungrateful weak mother who lets herself be manipulated by an abuser.

 

(This part is sarcastically) But as you said, I hurt him. I hurt him by not allowing him to enter my apartment when he went like a crazy to knock on our door at 1AM. I hurt him by getting into a fight with him for disrespecting you and J. As I according to you I pressured you to put a protection order against him, and you rewarded him by returning to him so that he almost kill you. I rather tell you nothing. You have enough having to deal with an abusive man all your life. And that's is an instability that I do not what in mine. Therefore, I would ever create false illusion to J.

[luisannalui]

I was going to send her another last message. Its like it never ends, huh? But I didn't. I'm proud of myself! I'm on day #23! Almost a month! I decided not to send it but use it to make me stronger and persistent. I realized is not the last message what I should give attention to but to my patterns. Yesterday, I was feeling anxious because I was mad at her that she left the state without picking up son's clothes because baby daddy said no. After baby son living with me for two years, she allowed baby daddy to tell him for the second time that I wasn't his mom and that he is there to buy his clothes. Hence, I bough clothes to baby son because he has none and all of the one that he had (which I bought) didn't fit him anymore. But is not "J" fault that his dad is so immature and his mom so ungrateful. But I was mad! I thank God and Mr. Dahl for making me realize that is wasn't worth my time and I'm doing a great job moving on. Everything is about me not her.

 

This is the post:

[luisannalui]

I'm on day #23 NC Day #2 no social media stalking. It may seem as too little, too early and at the same time there are highly chance that I can relapse again. I see things different now. I still have heart in my "mind" but it does get better.

 

During the first weeks of BU, I would use social media to get her attention, I would send her PHD dissertation, just for her to ignore me and disrespect me over and over. I'm taking a social media detox. I already gave up with social media. I learned that social media its just a tool for self-gratification. Your ex would never post how misery his/her life is. Well my ex is good at that, she loves attention! At the same time doing a social media detox is also helping me to stop from social media stalking. My social media is still there, but I'm not taking my personal life as before.

 

I know she's not good for me. I always knew this, but now LEARNED it and this is a slow but very slow and painful process. A lot of people tells me that I should have known better the first, second, third time. But I don't regret forgiving her all of these times. It made me an stronger person. It has helped me to recognize my patterns, work on my weaknesses, and become a better version of myself. I would never allow someone to treat me less or disrespect me. I'll be honest, sometime I feel mad at her for using me financially, not allowing me to see her son because of baby daddy, Allowing baby daddy to drive the car I got for her. She's like cats, ungrateful. I cannot blame her. She don't know what respect or self-value is. But this is not a reason for me to allow all of the bs she did. All I can do is thanks her for all of these learning. At the same time, I forgive her. I would not seek revenge, I want to move on and become a better version of myself.

 

I cannot sacrifice this progress by allowing her to come back to my life again or stalking her social media. It does feel good to think of yourself first. But is really hard! I was not use to it. I was use to think of other before. I though that love was pleasing my partner first than myself. I learned that this is a 50/50 job and you could never settle for less. Life is a balance. I starting to love myself, to take care of myself, to become a better version of myself. It feel so damn good!

[luisannalui]

Day #24 My ex told my friend that baby son ask alot about me and that he miss me. I was mad at the fact that she did not went to pick up the clothes but now I'm more calm to know that he loves me as I love him. My ex say she will call me if he asks about me again. I understand that is not his fault to have an immature father and ungrateful mother. Although he is only five years old he is so intelligent. He knows that over these two years I gave him my all. "You reap what you sow"