Lost in life...

[hopeful_heart]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm new to the board and just don't know where else to turn to gain insight on what I should do. Let me try to give the Reader's Digest version of what's going on.

 

I'm 31 and have been dating a guy for 7 months. We had moved into the next step, getting serious, having a great time. Both of us have been married before. I have no children, he has an 11 year old daughter. Unfortunately, his ex-wife, upon her discovery of our dating, has been feeding his daughter's head with horrible things like she should be careful now that her daddy is in love because he'll leave her just like he left her mom. She tells her that his dating someone means he doesn't love her as much as he loves me. She cries and tells the daughter how miserable her daddy is making her. On and on and on. As a result, the daughter has worked hard and has successfully driven a stake between the love of my life and I.

 

He has been struggling with trying to keep both me and his daughter happy. I have stayed as low profile as possible to her. She and I have met numerous times and have had a blast! Unfortunately; however, the mother's insane statements to the daughter have now had a dramatic effect. The daughter has refused to come see him, always asks and then is hurt when he tells her he went to the movies and when she asks with whom, he says me, she gets insanely jealous, cries, carries on. It became so bad that 2 weeks ago, at dinner, he and I decided we needed to take a break to assess our ability to go forward with our relationship given the circumstances. We had no contact and finally, 3 days before the 2 week agreement, we spoke and he basically indicated he and I could not continue because he just cannot find a way for us both to be happy. (us both = his daughter and I) My "ex" boyfriend and I met at his place yesterday to exchange our things back and with tears, he explained that he's miserable, unable to see a way out of this situation. He says he loves me dearly and wants me in his life as I have been but that his daughter simply won't allow it. Now I'm not a mother, but it would be a cold day before I could imagine my mom succumbing to demands I placed like this but what do I know? Regardless, he says he thinks he's just going to have to be single until she's 18 or finds enough other interests that she's not so deeply into his love life. So I ask him why does she have to know? Why do you have to tell her who you are with all the time? He says because he can't live a lie to her and even more, he can't ask me to go through this, that I deserve more. That as much as it makes him miserable, more tears, its the only thing he can see as possible. He wants me to move on but says it makes his stomach hurt to imagine me with someone else. I'm so lost, so confused, so hurt. We're all losing here: his daughter is losing a potentially great and supportive and loving step-mom, my boyfriend is losing control over his life and letting his daughter run it and a woman who he feels he could spend his life with happily; then i'm losing a potentially great family situation and a love and happiness i've never had before.

 

Please shed some light here, if you've been here please please please help me close or open these curtains. If you haven't been here, please look at it from the outside and tell me what I'm missing!

 

Thank you all so much!

 

Melissa

[Peter_L]

Hi hopeful_heart. I'm Peter. You have an interesting predicament here and unfortunately I can't help. I have never been in this experience before and don't know what would be the best situation to deal with this.

But if I am to try to help I would suggest talking to this ex-wife and explain to her you mean no bad intentions. What the ex-wife has done to influence his daughter to become this way is purely wrong. I think she has been exploited and turned into a tool to split you two up and that is really wrong.

[Ac143]

Never been in this situation but, honestly I don't think talking to the ex wife will help. If anything I think talking to the daughter would be much more helpful. I have seen this happen before with a friend of mine. Her dad started dating a woman and her mom would tell her horrible things all the time. She was 13 at the time but, her father did not stop dating this woman and kept bringing her around. The longer they were together I think the easier it became for her. She eventually became really close friends with her new step-mother. I think as long as your boyfriend, spends the same exact amount of time with his daughter that he did when you guys weren't together, she will realize you aren't that horrible person her mother says you are. He has be able to live his life too and let his daughter know he will never leave her. I think he is giving his daughter too much control over his life. He's the parent she isn't! So, what I think here is you guys should have kept dating, talk to his daughter everytime you see her to reinsure her that you are not taking away her daddy. Eventually she would come around.

Good luck and let me know how it turns out!

 

[kinatra]

I agree with the last guy, this is bull@#$%! First of all, I think you need to have conversation with the ex-wife to alleviate her fears of you taking over or replacing her. Does she not want her husband to be happy? I would ask her that! Again, you should say, "Listen sweetheart I am not here to replace you as mother or as a wife." "I just love your ex-husband/(his name) and want happiness." With regards to the daughter, I think that you may have to have the same kind of discussion. I am a little pissed off that your boyfriend did not stick up for you though and speak to the child or the mother........

 

Good luck - your a good and caring person and you deserve what you want - happiness!