My Ex is on a pedestal, how can I kick him off? Were my actions justified? Help!

[Samantha1121]

So my ex and I have had a very complicated/toxic relationship over the last 2.5 years. There are things that were both of our faults that led to the break up. I ultimately was not a very good communicator, and would hold things in when they were bothering me, which would fester, and eventually come out at some point. He had a way of making me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough, and I was constantly focused on trying not to do anything that would annoy him or bother him because I wouldn't want to cause any conflict. He was very critical, perhaps overly so, and I got to this point where I only cared about making him happy and didn't care about making myself happy. He had this way of making me think that every problem we had in our relationship was my fault. I thought if I continued doing what I was doing, things would eventually get better. It made me feel anxious and insecure about my relationship, and even though we were together, I never felt confident that he was going to stay. This is so unlike me. In every other aspect of my life, I am strong, confident, and independent. I did not like the person I had become. So we broke up, after I had another "freak out" on him. He said he couldn't deal with it anymore, and I agreed that I wasn't happy. I told him that he made me feel like I was never good enough, and I was tired of never getting any affection. I loved him so much and was tired of that not being reciprocated. We continued to try living together, and that was fine for awhile. Until we started trying to date other people, then it was like all of the emotions from the break up hit and things became very stressful. During this time, there were a few times that I freaked out on him, but I had been getting better about being a better communicator. I had started going to a therapist, so I can break this behavior and not continue it in future relationships. I know it isn't something that you can change overnight, but it is a work in progress. I ended up telling him that he had to move out because I couldn't sit there and watch him date other girls, that would destroy me. We wanted to continue to be friends, but agreed that we would need some space. I was crushed and completely heartbroken. We go to the same gym, so after the Holidays were over, I started to see him at the gym, which was fine. We were still friends and kept it friendly.

 

During the time since he has moved out (1.5 months ago) up until now, there have been text conversations exchanged between the two of us. About how we miss each other, think of the other often, miss our sex life, etc. There have been conversations about if the timing is ever right then maybe things will work out with us in the future. I've told him that I worry about our friendship, and he says he doesn't think we are in a "friends" place yet, and that will take time. All the while, he is hanging out with this new girl. I knew he was hanging out with her, and of course, I didn't like it, but it is what it is. So last Friday, I am going out to meet some mutual friends out at a brewery. I get a warning that he may stop by, but that isn't a big deal to me since we've been texting occasionally, and I see him at the gym. Then I get a last minute warning, as I'm pulling into the parking lot that he is there with his new girl. I realize at this point, I probably should have just turned around and went home, but I figured since we have mutual friends, I might as well make the best of it. My ex is someone who claims to have the utmost respect for me, and claims that he really cares about my feelings.

 

It was a ty situation. I made the best of it and was friendly to the both of them. I tried to engage her in conversation, and she was clearly uncomfortable around me, which I don't blame her. But then, I saw him rub her leg and kiss her shoulder. That really made me mad. It felt like a slap in the face honestly. I know they are only small gestures of affection, but I felt like it was very disrespectful and inconsiderate of my feelings to do that in front of me. I was honestly shocked he would do that in front of me, and if I would have known that he would have done that, I would have definitely left. He knows how I feel about him, why would he do that in front of me? He never would show me gestures of affection in uncomfortable situations. So, when he was leaving he was giving everyone hugs, and he says to me, "I'm leaving, come give me a hug"....and I calmly said, "Nah, I'm good." Once he left, I confided/complained to our mutual friends (probably not the best idea, but I was really upset and felt so disrespected). I don't know if they have said anything to him because I haven't talked to him since. They all agreed that I had a right to be upset. When I got home later that night, I sent him an angry/feisty text that said, "*middle finger emoji* Hey, remember how I had to watch you rub your girlfriend's leg and kiss her shoulder earlier? That was fun. I will not be going to the gym at the same time as you anymore, I will be going earlier. I can't keep seeing you everyday. I have nothing nice left to say so have a good weekend."

 

I have not gotten a response from him, not that I was expecting one. But, I cant help but think he's mad at me for "causing a scene" in front of our friends by not hugging him, "drunk freaking out" on him via text messaging, or saying something to our mutual friends about how upset I was. I don't know if his silence is anger or if it's space. Was my reaction out of line? Or was it justified? Hindsight, I know that I could have done things differently, and I am not sorry for sticking up for myself and showing him that it hurt me. I'm tired of being hurt by him, but even after all this , I still have him up on this pedestal. I am starting to question how I reacted and am wondering if I should say something to him. I don't want to give him an apology, but maybe explain why I acted the way I did. Another part of me thinks that I don't need to explain myself to him anymore and if he wants to talk to me then he can approach me. I guess I worry that I may have ruined any chance of a friendship in the future. I don't know. Can someone give me their thoughts and tips on how to get this guy off a pedestal so I can get over him? I'm so tired of loving and caring about someone who doesn't treat me how I deserve.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Good you ended it. It was abusive. Read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Discuss that with your therapist.

 

You must go no contact and delete and block him from all messaging and social media. Do not stay friends, hang out or groom a hookup with "i miss you and sex etc". Stop sending crazy texts. Just stop all contact. It's over.

toxic relationship. I ended up telling him that he had to move out. I sent him an angry/feisty text that said, "*middle finger emoji* Hey, remember how I had to watch you rub your girlfriend's leg and kiss her shoulder earlier? That was fun. I will not be going to the gym at the same time as you anymore, I will be going earlier. I can't keep seeing you everyday. I have nothing nice left to say so have a good weekend."

[holistic17]

Oh my days lady, im going to be very direct with you because as a woman myself and been in this situation - there comes a time when we have to say enough is enough! Stop stop and stop chasing this guy! He does NOT respect your feelings. Point blank. Why are you giving away all your personal power to him? The way to get him off that pedestal is to CUT contact! Not just a bit, completely! Stop doubting your initial gut reactions when something upsets you. You're hurting and your emotions are raw. The last thing you should be doing is trying to be friends with him. It won't work. You'll end up becoming upset every time you see him out socialising and will analyse his every word and action. Is it doing you any good? No. By the way, a real man and gentleman does not put his girlfriend down, demean her and blame everything on her. Never mind flaunting a new girl in front of her! Disgusting. Not even worth the crap on my shoe in my opinion. Pick your self esteem up off the floor, tell your ego and pride to be quiet and put your own needs first. Stay away from him and learn from this needy behaviour you are presenting. If he knows you are upset, you only give him more control and power overy you. He's going to use it further. So stop it and cut him off. Please!

[Samantha1121]

Thank you for the responses. They are overwhelming (in the best way possible, of course). I've considered the possibility that this has been an emotionally abusive relationship, but brushed it off in the past because I didn't want to accept it. It has been a very rough and emotional couple of months. Hopefully cutting him out of my life will help me process and recover from all of this.

[Matt3939]

This is the exact reason I don't have any contact with an ex. I think if you want to keep your sanity avoid this guy. There's to much there only time truly apart will help this. Good luck