Am I overreacting to this

[ParisPaulette]

He is who he is, no he's not going to change, grown adults don't usually change unless they end up in serious life circumstances that force them to change or lose everything. And if you don't believe in divorce then this is a moot point anyways.

 

He'll continue to disrespect you, touch old ex-girlfriends, and you'll continue to do tryouts for a job with the NSA. Which you should totally consider if you were able to get surveillance footage from your phone. These are skills that would make you a great PI out there catching cheaters everywhere. But they don't seem to be doing you a bip of good on your own marriage.

 

Really at this stage of the game, I can only tell you that since you aren't going to leave him I don't see what good complaining about it is doing you?

 

P.S. Antivirus software doesn't tell someone what you've been searching for. Your Internet search history or the spyware/keylooger programs one can install on a computer or phone do that.

[Simplyonlyme]

You call it complaining but these forums are the only place I talk about these things. I don't talk about it to any friend or family member. I hope that when I post something said will help. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone and that others care helps.

[evad1]

I had access on my phone to this video footage. He has shown himself untrustworthy before with her. Since I had access I decided to take a look.

 

You obviously feel really insecure about the situation. If it's driving you insane you need to walk away. If he really cares he'll work it out. You'll go to counseling together, do what ever it takes to work it out. If he doesn't care then you'll have to go through with a divorce. That's not fair that he's comparing you to a ex from 4 years ago. That's bulls@$@. Don't let him make you think other wise. I wish you the best.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, I get it if you just want to vent. I thought you were asking for advice. But the fact still remains, you and you alone have the power to change this. When someone is disrespectful and abusive, when they have shown themselves to not be worthy of your trust, it's on you if you choose to stay engaged with that person in any way or to simply walk away and say, "We're done here."

 

I mean, otherwise it doesn't change anything. Yes, of course I've been with people who disrespected me, called me names, cheated on me, and one even who hit me once, and the bottom line is none of them changed - I did. I changed my mind about being with them and I realized I didn't need any excuses about leaving, I just could leave.

 

And so leave I did until I found someone that didn't do any of those things. Nor will he ever, because he knows I will walk away if he does. That was my point. You should be putting your energy on creating a nice life for yourself, your own friends, your own accomplishments.

 

When he realizes and you realize he is not the only game in town he will either change then to keep you (although this is doubtful, because people who are mean to their spouse are generally not great people to begin with or capable of changing for the better really) OR you will change yourself and decide you don't need to waste your time with the likes of him.

 

Seriously, you should put your skills and your life to better use is all I am saying. It sounds like at least you need to perfect the point and laugh routine then go live your own life, ignore him, and if divorce is out of the question enjoy his money and the home and other material benefits and ignore him as a person. There are a thousand ways you can change this and play it to your advantage, but you don't seem to realize you do have that power, but you do.

[RainyCoast]

yeah how did you hack a security cam? you do have some darn impressive skill. use your powers for good woman.

[Simplyonlyme]

Okay, I get it if you just want to vent. I thought you were asking for advice. But the fact still remains, you and you alone have the power to change this. When someone is disrespectful and abusive, when they have shown themselves to not be worthy of your trust, it's on you if you choose to stay engaged with that person in any way or to simply walk away and say, "We're done here."

 

I mean, otherwise it doesn't change anything. Yes, of course I've been with people who disrespected me, called me names, cheated on me, and one even who hit me once, and the bottom line is none of them changed - I did. I changed my mind about being with them and I realized I didn't need any excuses about leaving, I just could leave.

 

And so leave I did until I found someone that didn't do any of those things. Nor will he ever, because he knows I will walk away if he does. That was my point. You should be putting your energy on creating a nice life for yourself, your own friends, your own accomplishments.

 

When he realizes and you realize he is not the only game in town he will either change then to keep you (although this is doubtful, because people who are mean to their spouse are generally not great people to begin with or capable of changing for the better really) OR you will change yourself and decide you don't need to waste your time with the likes of him.

 

Seriously, you should put your skills and your life to better use is all I am saying. It sounds like at least you need to perfect the point and laugh routine then go live your own life, ignore him, and if divorce is out of the question enjoy his money and the home and other material benefits and ignore him as a person. There are a thousand ways you can change this and play it to your advantage, but you don't seem to realize you do have that power, but you do.

The only input I am receiving is from him.. about how I look, what and how I say things, etc... he's successful and smart. So when he tells me these things, loser idiot etc... she's a winner but I am a loser..... I need input from positive sources to counter what he's saying and to clear my head.

 

Sorry I posted this

[Simplyonlyme]

yeah how did you hack a security cam? you do have some darn impressive skill. use your powers for good woman.

No hacking was done. I have access for various reasons.

[RainyCoast]

The only input I am receiving is from him.. about how I look, what and how I say things, etc... he's successful and smart. So when he tells me these things, loser idiot etc... she's a winner but I am a loser..... I need input from positive sources to counter what he's saying and to clear my head.

 

Sorry I posted this

 

i don't see why you regret asking. she gave you some really good ParisPremium advice, and also understood it may just be a venting session.

 

i don't think he should be touching exs, much less calling you names but it's not like your dissatisfaction with that will change him? that's magical thinking. if it is unacceptable to you, you can leave him, but if you stay that means you choose to keep the entire package.

[evad1]

The only input I am receiving is from him.. about how I look, what and how I say things, etc... he's successful and smart. So when he tells me these things, loser idiot etc... she's a winner but I am a loser..... I need input from positive sources to counter what he's saying and to clear my head.

 

Sorry I posted this

 

I'm in a relationship like that...kind of similar. Do you guys have a good time together? Or is it just a marriage with no excitement and you just stay together because you don't want to get divorces? I managed to stay so long because we have such a good time together. I just figure in my head he can say what he wants when he's angry but I have important place in his life and she doesn't. I'm the person who knows all of his secrets. We connect on a deeper level than just the physical. He never tells me he appreciates me but I feel it when it when he touches me. You have to work on yourself outside of him too. He won't validate you so you have to know you are something special and you also need to know when to leave. You are beautiful. Keep growing ]

[ParisPaulette]

So when he tells me these things, loser idiot etc... she's a winner but I am a loser..... I need input from positive sources to counter what he's saying and to clear my head.

 

THIS ^^^^ is completely unacceptable to say to anyone, let alone to one's wife!!!! Please please please do not listen to this man. The only problem I see here is you haven't walked out the door and into a divorce attorney's office. It is absolutely wrong of him to say, it's emotional and verbal abuse. If you had posted this at the beginning of your original post I would have worded my answer to you differently. I thought it was something like an occasional comment about the ex-girlfriend that made it sound like he was commenting on her favorably and making you feel bad. Not that he was openly verbally attacking you and trying to crush your spirit, which is exactly what the things you describe are about.

 

But to call you those things? Never acceptable, no matter what. It's called bullying, it's the kind of crap you hear from the schoolyard bully, not the person who married you and said "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, I do."

 

Call this hotline, talk to someone, get help. All I can tell you is that isn't acceptable under any circumstances. It is totally okay if your partner says, "I don't like it when you do X, Y or Z" but to personally attack you and try to crush you with name-calling? That's about controlling you and keeping you down, so you won't realize you can do better and should leave.

 

 

[Usa1ah]

He says I am the one who is paranoia

 

Standard saying from a cheater. They try to make the BS believe they are stupid or crazy for believing their own eye's and observations. Him always comparing you to her in a negative way us the give away that he thinks more of her then you.

[Sarah Hummer]

I would give him the boot. He is in no way respecting you at all. Especially if he comparing you to his ex! He's a Loser and obviously not over her yet. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave him. "In the end" like the song it doesn't even matter and you will be so much happier. You may not think so now but you will be. I just got out of a 5 years toxic relationship and so much happier. Good luck

[Simplyonlyme]

THIS ^^^^ is completely unacceptable to say to anyone, let alone to one's wife!!!! Please please please do not listen to this man. The only problem I see here is you haven't walked out the door and into a divorce attorney's office. It is absolutely wrong of him to say, it's emotional and verbal abuse. If you had posted this at the beginning of your original post I would have worded my answer to you differently. I thought it was something like an occasional comment about the ex-girlfriend that made it sound like he was commenting on her favorably and making you feel bad. Not that he was openly verbally attacking you and trying to crush your spirit, which is exactly what the things you describe are about.

 

But to call you those things? Never acceptable, no matter what. It's called bullying, it's the kind of crap you hear from the schoolyard bully, not the person who married you and said "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, I do."

 

Call this hotline, talk to someone, get help. All I can tell you is that isn't acceptable under any circumstances. It is totally okay if your partner says, "I don't like it when you do X, Y or Z" but to personally attack you and try to crush you with name-calling? That's about controlling you and keeping you down, so you won't realize you can do better and should leave.

 

 

The problem is he's not always like that. He is very loving and funny at times too.

 

The way he says things makes me feel like it's my fault.

 

I feel if I could do and be all that he says, it would be better. He said he wants me to make him proud.

 

If I could be neater, clean the house better, grow my nails long without major dry skin so they don't look awful, be smarter, not be distracted. .....

 

He criticizes the way I speak. He was listening to me try to encourage someone who was not well on the phone this afternoon. After he says I sounded arrogant and a know it all but the person on the phone had said I sounded/my voice was like an angel and thanked me for what I said.

 

I am a disappointment to him as a wife. He's said it to me in so many ways.

 

I think he wants me to be a go getter, like start my own company or something but I don't have many natural talents. I always kind of fell into what ever projects opened up at work and managed to stay for almost 19 years because I was a good employee and hard worker.

 

My last boss didn't want me to quit. She said it was hard to find a good employee and I asked my husband to be if he wanted me to work for a few months. Right away he said no.

 

He says I am mentally lazy.

 

Today as he was asking me what soups we had I kept looking away as I was envisioning the contents of my cupboard. He insisted I maintain eye contact with him.

 

True I get super distracted, very easy and it annoys him Or if I fidget a lot he also gets annoyed.

 

He says people think I am dumb too. He said I have a childlike heart, he married a child.

 

If what he says about me to me is what everybody is thinking too, then who on earth is really for ME. Then I am truly all alone.

[Simplyonlyme]

He texted the girl three days ago asking her a question but told me he did via an special app on his phone. Tonight I asked if he had received a response from her, he said he had not gone onto that app today.

 

Told him the app shows others when he's last access it and it showed around 11am today.

 

He said he was checking for another person who had texted him. And he got angry, accused me of spying on him.

 

And while being angry he also mentioned that someone we know who is overseas might try to contact him so he was checking for that also (but that person barely knows how to use a phone let alone that app).

 

Needless to say he was angry, didn't like that I pointed out the discrepancies is his story.

 

So he called me an A, that I was a disappointment, etc..

 

He had the nerve to mention the empty javel bottle he had put in the middle of the laundry room floor that he had last used today (very rarely he does laundry but he put a load in today ). He didn't like that I left it there and didn't throw it out right away.

[Simplyonlyme]

He texted the girl three days ago asking her a question but told me he did via an special app on his phone. Tonight I asked if he had received a response from her, he said he had not gone onto that app today.

 

Told him the app shows others when he's last access it and it showed around 11am today.

 

He said he was checking for another person who had texted him. And he got angry, accused me of spying on him.

 

And while being angry he also mentioned that someone we know who is overseas might try to contact him so he was checking for that also (but that person barely knows how to use a phone let alone that app).

 

Needless to say he was angry, didn't like that I pointed out the discrepancies is his story.

 

So he called me an A, that I was a disappointment, etc..

 

He had the nerve to mention the empty javel bottle he had put in the middle of the laundry room floor that he had last used today (very rarely he does laundry but he put a load in today ). He didn't like that I left it there and didn't throw it out right away.

[Naomi99]

The problem is he's not always like that.

 

The way he says things makes me feel like it's my fault.

 

I feel if I could do and be all that he says, it would be better. He said he wants me to make him proud.

 

If I could be neater, clean the house better, grow my nails long without major dry skin so they don't look awful, be smarter, not be distracted. .....

 

He criticizes the way I speak. He was listening to me try to encourage someone who was not well on the phone this afternoon. After he says I sounded arrogant and a know it all but the person on the phone had said I sounded/my voice was like an angel and thanked me for what I said.

 

I am a disappointment to him as a wife. He's said it to me in so many ways.

 

I think he wants me to be a go getter, like start my own company or something but I don't have many natural talents. I always kind of fell into what ever projects opened up at work and managed to stay for almost 19 years because I was a good employee and hard worker.

 

My last boss didn't want me to quit. She said it was hard to find a good employee and I asked my husband to be if he wanted me to work for a few months. Right away he said no.

 

He says I am mentally lazy.

 

Today as he was asking me what soups we had I kept looking away as I was envisioning the contents of my cupboard. He insisted I maintain eye contact with him.

 

True I get super distracted, very easy and it annoys him Or if I fidget a lot he also gets annoyed.

 

He says people think I am dumb too. He said I have a childlike heart, he married a child.

 

If what he says about me to me is what everybody is thinking too, then who on earth is really for ME. Then I am truly all alone.

 

Melania? Is that you?

 

All joking aside, he sounds extremely manipulative and verbally abusive. You need to make a plan now to get out of this relationship i.e. start saving your money, have a backup of somewhere you can stay and you start the process for divorce. Don't stay with this man. Create a Plan B.

 

I can already feel you justifying his actions. The things he's saying can cause damage for life and cause a ripple effect in your future relationships if it's not taken care of.

[Simplyonlyme]

At least Melania is pretty, smart and has her own accomplishments before Donald. I feel I have nothing. He paid my debts and a lot of other things

[evad1]

At least Melania is pretty, smart and has her own accomplishments before Donald. I feel I have nothing. He paid my debts and a lot of other things

 

It sounds like you should leave but it sounds like you're not going to. I think you should do something outside of him. I mean you can't do anything about how you look but you can work on other things. I used to not be able to hold a conversation with most but now I can talk about pretty much any thing. My boyfriend is unable to call me dumb because I'll show him up in the very next sentence. I don't know see finding some type of work you enjoy.

[kar1106]

Definitely not overreacting. That's pretty disrespectful. I mean if he's entertaining the flirtatiousness and initiating it...girrrl you better boot him.

[evad1]

See he tried it today!!! He was really angry and said a lot of things that hurt for a split second but then I gathered my wits and I told him why everything he said was a lie. Of course he has to have the last word and he says something else to hurt me. Once he comes back in the room I'm aware I always have the upper hand because I start a conversation about something else he would be interested in and it's like starting brand new. He never apologizes. If I could tell you the things he said. I got so mad I kicked him out lol I don't know if your husband is like mine but my boyfriend he's unable empathize very well and even our arguments they're just a boost for ego. I never take it personally he's not doing it on purpose. It's just the way he operates and it's not because of me. If you can spice up your conversations you'll be much happier. Why argue when there's so much you could talk about and experience together. You would also want to figure out why he acts this way. Do you think he's cheating on you? I always try and think positive and I think as long as you guys still have a lot in common you can make this work. I don't want to make it sound lovely and easy because sometimes it's not. You'll really have to reinvent yourself but for the better. If you've lost yourself now is the time to find yourself. There's a whole world out there for you full of adventures. I hope I can encourage you to not only work on your relationship but to also to work on yourself.