I wanted to curl up in a little ball.

[On The Road]

ok. at the moment. i am overwhelmed with so many different feelings that i want to just run. run until my legs give out.

 

if any of you have read my past postings, you would know that i am meeting my biological mother in whom i have not heard from since i was 5. (adopted) so its been really hard preparing myself for this situation. im afraid that when i see/talk to her that memories will come flooding back to me. i don't know how to react or how not to react. im actually thinking of "leaving" on that day. which is a very negative thought because i have been trying to face my problems, and not run away from them. so... already. ive got pressure. i can't talk about it with my parents because they don't know she is coming. and i don't know what they will do. so yes, its hard. but we all know life isn't easy. last night was the hardest night. i haven't cried like that in a long time. a very long time.

 

i also have testing going on right now. every morning for 3 hours for the next 4 days. so there is pressure. i have to pass in order to graduate. no problem, but yes... im stressing over that too.

 

and lastly... today's issue. i almost burst into tears in my biology class when i found out. i held everything back, all i wanted to do was run out of there and just curl up in a ball because it just keeps getting worse. i found out that one of my good friends is in the hospital because she slit her wrists last night. i don't know how bad it is. she doesn't even know i know. and im afraid. im so afraid. i don't know what to do anymore. she hasn't done anything like this that i know of since last year. as far as i knew, we were both doing better, for the first time in awhile. i know that yesterday she was upset over her ex. i tried to be there for her but she said she didn't want to talk about it because she would freak out again. i know this sounds selfish towards her feelings but this is not what i need right now. This makes me feel like i am not being a good enough friend, it makes me feel lower than low. its all so overwhelming. she has done this before, but not near hospitilization. and she knows that i will freak out. i am freaking out.

 

so im meeting my mother, i have a billion tests to take and my friend wants to die. i don't know how to deal with all of this. she has been so good to me lately. listening to my problems. and i have tried to be there for her, and we do talk about her stuff, its just that i usually have to drag it out of her and i don't want to feel like im pulling teeth. this sux. im getting a headache thinking of all of this again.

[From_Now_On]

Hey hon,

 

I'm really sorry to hear things are so forking rough right now for you. I hope the meeting with your biological mother goes well. The only real way to find out is to go through it. It might turn out smashingly...it might not. But don't dwell on it and worry. Try to just let happen what will happen. You know, one day (maybe even one day soon, life has a weird way of twisting and turning), you will be having an absolutely wonderful time and all of this will be the last thing on your mind. I'm sorry to hear about your friend as well. Sometimes we just get so stressed out and we don't know what to do....some of us have a harder time dealing than others. Some of us go to unhealthy extremes when we get caught up in all of the confusion of life. It's of course not your fault what happened. And don't feel like it is okay? Because it's not, not even a little bit. All you can do is try and be the best friend that you can be. That shouldn't be too hard for you, you sound like an incredibly caring person. Bear in mind though, you have to take care of yourself as well. You have a lot going on right now yourself, with the tests (good luck on those by the way), and everything else.

 

Remember to take a breather, okay? A nice long bath helps. (It really does). Feel free to PM me anytime. Take Care, alright?

 

-FNO

[DN]

Try to isolate your problems so they are not all tumbling through your head at the same time. Maybe this would work:

 

make list of the problems. By each one write down an action to try and solve it. e.g.

 

Problem One: Tests. Need to study for X hours per day. Will study after dinner at Y with Z and then go to bed.

 

Problem Two Suicidal Friend. Will see if can visit in hospital. Buy fruit, magazines or whatever. Will visit at X time for Y hours

 

Problem Three: BioMom. Have decided to meet. Will remain calm and detached. Will take it as it comes and not get stressed more then necessary. Will ask her non aggressive questions. (List them

 

and do that sort of thing with any other problems.

 

By doing this, you can see what the problems are, how important they are, how you think you can cope with them etc. Written down, with an action plan, they begin to seem more manageable and less threatening.