Need to get this off my chest

[Sillybillycat]

I'm in a dark place today. I'm not crying, nor desperately asking questions to which I won't get any answers. I'm just feeling it. This is the ninth day of no contact, after our heartbreaking fight. It's been a month and a half since he left. I still can't pick up the broken pieces he left behind, inside me. Yeah, he broke me. I feel like I shouldn't miss him. Looking back at it, I was too patient, too naive. I had reasons to doubt and I chose to believe in him, in the love I thought we had. I wonder if I seemed dumb. Red flags were there and I just thought I was being paranoid, since he gave me every reason to believe he was as committed as I was to the relationship, even with all the work he had and the tight agenda. Seems like the tight agenda was only for me. I shouldn't be missing him, in fact I should be angry, but I'm just sad.

I returned to work yesterday. I don't have much to do, so a have about seven hours where my mind wanders and ends up in hurtful places. I've been sick as well, and the doctor says my emotional state isn't helping me. I've fainted several times during this week, and meanwhile he's happy with his new so called love. Not fair. I shouldn't be doing this to myself.

I wrote him a letter. I didn't send it, of course, although I would like to... maybe. I even posted it here in some thread about putting what you would text to your ex. I know that sending it wouldn't be a good idea. I just can't believe he's gone, even after all this time and after all that has happened. I miss our long conversations, I miss feeling loved. I miss who he was, I miss him.

I know that he wants me to move on. I remember he told me that someday, when he's ready, he would come back and fight for me. I wonder if he really meant it, even though I know it wouldn't be a good idea, after all that has happened and after all he's hurt me. He just isn't an easy person anymore and it scares me every time I think that these are or may be his true colors, that I failed to see before. I really shouldn't want him back. He's a cheater, a liar. His narcissistic personality would only end up hurting me more. I'm sure that it wouldn't last if he came back, after a while again, because he has such a big ego and he only cares about feeding it. I know that, I've known that for a while. Certainly, I didn't think he would drag me to it too, but really why not? It hurts to think about it, can't he really love? I'm so confused right now, even my head is starting to ache. I honestly must convince myself that he isn't good for me, and that I have to leave these nine years behind and burn the bridges that take me back to them. I suppose that keeping NC will eventually make me get used to all this. But in the meantime, I still love him, and it's painful.

I feel like a part of me died when he left, and I feel so damn bad. I really thought he was the one and that all our plans together were real. I saw a future for us in his eyes. I wonder if I'll ever love again as I love him. I wonder if someone will ever make me feel the way he did. I wonder if someone will ever love me.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What were the red flags? After 9 years were there any plans to marry or have a family?

 

Write out the letter, save it, reread it, journal, post it, whatever but don't torture yourself more and send it.

 

Stay strong and stay no contact . Also delete and block him from all social media and messaging. Do not creep his social media. Ask your doctor for a referral to therapy to help sort all this out.

Red flags were thereI wrote him a letter. I didn't send it, of course, although I would like to... maybe.

[bellaboo18]

i am so sorry you have to go through this. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love so much. someone who you spent so many years with who is now gone. I know how you are feeling 100%. I know right now it is hard to even believe things will get better but they do. Remember to always think about YOU, this is a great opportunity to focus on bettering yourself. The good thing is that you've already started the NC which is the best way to start healing. if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me.

[leseine7]

Its good you are posting here and getting all of these thoughts out in a healthy way and keeping NO CONTACT. No question, you should maintain absolutely no contact while you go through this period, and onward. You do not need any more to get over, and every time you interact it will be another moment for you to try to move on from. Let that last fight be the last fight, last words, last anything between you two.

 

This : "I know that he wants me to move on. I remember he told me that someday, when he's ready, he would come back and fight for me. I wonder if he really meant it, even though I know it wouldn't be a good idea, after all that has happened and after all he's hurt me." -- No, he did not really mean it, but also, in a healthy relationship none of this drama would even need to happen. In a healthy relationship, you don't NEED to talk about how you're going to fight for each other, and certainly not "SOMEDAY, when ready". It's grasping at straws to attempt to find something stable or deep in a relationship that was filled with lies and deception. You should be with someone who will simply remain by your side without the need to promise you one day he will.

[Sillybillycat]

Sorry to hear this. What were the red flags? After 9 years were there any plans to marry or have a family?

 

Write out the letter, save it, reread it, journal, post it, whatever but don't torture yourself more and send it.

 

Stay strong and stay no contact . Also delete and block him from all social media and messaging. Do not creep his social media. Ask your doctor for a referral to therapy to help sort all this out.

 

Well, he sometimes had some behaviors that freaked me out. Sometimes he hid from me things that weren't worth hiding, for example. He has been a jerk to everyone lately, except for his job partners (he works in an important law firm). He was really busy and I was patient, because I was really proud of him, I guess he took advantage of it and it got out of control. We've been together since we were 15, now we're 24. He was my first everything. We broke up for two years, four years ago, for different reasons. We never stopped talking, we never stopped telling us how much we loved each other, but he was confused and immature. He didn't know what he wanted. He came back and I let him in again, thinking that now it would be different. It was great for a while, but then all this mess happened. I should've known, but honestly, I didn't see this coming. I feel like such an idiot.

Yes, we had plans to move in together this year, and marry not longer after that. He hadn't officially proposed, but he used to bring out the topic a lot the last weeks together. He used to tell me how happy he was with me and how a great girlfriend I was. The day we broke up he told me that he wanted us to get married but that he was not ready because he wanted to do some more stuff career related, and that he felt it wasn't fair for me to wait around for him. He always told me I was the one, even the last time I saw him. But then I found out that he is with someone else now, someone that he met while still being with me. I asked him about it and he got all defensive and told me that he didn't love me, and hasn't for a while now. It hit me like a truck, it wasn't anywhere close to what he had last said. So I don't know what to believe, because he didn't seem to be lying before, and he usually doesn't say things he doesn't feel, not that repeatedly and directly. But he seemed too sure now. Well, I thought so, now I'm not sure about anything at all. I'm choosing to believe he doesn't love me, there's no use in holding on to something no longer exists. Although, to be honest, the doubt still lingers deep inside me, because I would want him to love me.

And yes, we wanted to have kids. He always said that having a family is his ultimate goal, and how a great mother I would be, but right now it seems that being powerful is his ultimate goal. Maybe he just wasn't ready for this kind of commitment, and it's all related, if it makes any sense.

So far, I've blocked him form my phone and whatsapp. I don't own a facebook account since some years ago, and the one social media I use, he doesn't. So the only way he can contact me is showing up at my door, and I don't think that's gonna happen, right? I just don't know how to stop thinking about him.

[Sillybillycat]

It's grasping at straws to attempt to find something stable or deep in a relationship that was filled with lies and deception.

Well, I get what you mean, really. And of course it wasn't healthy at the end, as much as it hurts to admit it. But I wouldn't say it was filled with lies and deception. Not all of it, at least. Actually, it was a very nice and sweet one in general. I wouldn't have been so in love otherwise. It was the last month when it all changed, I guess.

 

Its good you are posting here and getting all of these thoughts out in a healthy way and keeping NO CONTACT. No question, you should maintain absolutely no contact while you go through this period, and onward. You do not need any more to get over, and every time you interact it will be another moment for you to try to move on from. Let that last fight be the last fight, last words, last anything between you two.

Thanks for your advice, it really helps. I guess you're right, if I tried to reach for him, most probably I would end up worst than I am now and having to get over that too.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, you were together way too young for way too long and he needs to focus on his career, not being tied down or talking marriage etc.

 

Enjoy your freedom and start to grow independently from him. You were both too attached for too long and that stunted both of your growth and maturity. Focus on your education, career, financial independence, etc.

 

Start meeting other men on dating apps, meet for coffee and learn about men, life, dating and relationships more. See who else and what else is out there for you.

We've been together since we were 15, now we're 24. The day we broke up he told me that he wanted us to get married but that he was not ready because he wanted to do some more stuff career related.Maybe he just wasn't ready for this kind of commitment, and it's all related.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 10 -

Today while I was preparing for work I remembered a song that I liked to listen to while driving to his place. He used to think that it was cute that I liked that song. I couldn't help to wonder if he remembers me or thinks about me sometimes. About my face, my jokes, my laugh, my voice... Can he really not care at all? It was a long time and we shared a lot of things. Or was I not entirely part of his life and I didn't noticed? Is he really the monster he's appearing to be lately, or is this just a phase? Who's the real one, this one or the one that he was months ago? (I know it's the same person, but he just seems totally changed).

There's no use in thinking about it anymore. It is what it is, and it doesn't matter anymore because we are not together and won't ever be again after all that has happened. I should stop wanting him because he doesn't deserve me and I need to think about ME, not him. I'm honestly so confused with my feelings right now, it's as if I was divided into two.

Will this ever be any easier? Could I at least be angry about it instead of depressed?

I'm also scared. What if I never love anybody as much I as love(d) him? I just want this to be over, please.

[lillorenzo23]

Day 10 -

Today while I was preparing for work I remembered a song that I liked to listen to while driving to his place. He used to think that it was cute that I liked that song. I couldn't help to wonder if he remembers me or thinks about me sometimes. About my face, my jokes, my laugh, my voice... Can he really not care at all? It was a long time and we shared a lot of things. Or was I not entirely part of his life and I didn't noticed? Is he really the monster he's appearing to be lately, or is this just a phase? Who's the real one, this one or the one that he was months ago? (I know it's the same person, but he just seems totally changed).

There's no use in thinking about it anymore. It is what it is, and it doesn't matter anymore because we are not together and won't ever be again after all that has happened. I should stop wanting him because he doesn't deserve me and I need to think about ME, not him. I'm honestly so confused with my feelings right now, it's as if I was divided into two.

Will this ever be any easier? Could I at least be angry about it instead of depressed?

I'm also scared. What if I never love anybody as much I as love(d) him? I just want this to be over, please.

 

I feel the same way as you do. The struggle is real. The only answer for either of us I guess is time will tell. I'm constantly going back between thinking I deserve better one minute to wishing I had what I had the next. Thinking this is his fault, and then thinking I messed it up. One minute I wish he'd contact me, the next I hope I never hear from him again. It's a constant mind battle, but I guess as time goes on it gets easier.

[Sillybillycat]

I feel the same way as you do. The struggle is real. The only answer for either of us I guess is time will tell. I'm constantly going back between thinking I deserve better one minute to wishing I had what I had the next. Thinking this is his fault, and then thinking I messed it up. One minute I wish he'd contact me, the next I hope I never hear from him again. It's a constant mind battle, but I guess as time goes on it gets easier.

 

I really can't imagine what will happen in the next months. He didn't seem to care about contacting me soon, or ever. But it just seems weird not to have him in my life, honestly. Although I can see that it has been easy for him. The rational part in me knows that never talking to him again would be the best; but then my emotional and irrational part craves for him. And my rational part strikes again, because even if he magically came back, it would be stupid of me to accept him back, basing on everything he's done to hurt me and the opportunities that I have given him and that he has blown away. It wouldn't be a smart move, and outside from him I'm supposed to be a smart girl. It would still be quite difficult, hurtful and confusing if he ever came back, but I guess I'll cross that bridge IF I ever get there. Which I suppose won't happen, though, so I should stop kidding myself. I wish I could just move on and don't care.

[lillorenzo23]

 

Same. I think eventually we will get there too, but it's a process unfortunately. The relationship has been over for me for almost 8 weeks now. 17 days of NC total (since I screwed up by contacting him). I still have days like today where I'm incredibly screwed up and down. Just have to take it, because it's gonna happen. Eventually it won't, but for now it will.

 

One of my best friends, and the one I've been leaning on the most through this, had a boyfriend for 5 and a half years. They bought a house together, and honestly were like the 'dream' couple. Last year, right after Christmas, he decided that he didn't feel the same anymore and she needed to move out. It came as a complete surprise to her, and she was devastated. She spent weeks not able to come out of the house (her friends house, since she had to leave their house), other than to go to class and work. She cried constantly. She honestly never thought life would get better. Now here I am, going through what I'm going through, and she's right by my side. It's been right around the one year mark since her relationship ended, and she's fine. Absolutely fine. If you would have asked her a year ago if things would ever get better, she would have told you she doubts it. But, she went through it, and she's okay now. That's the one thing I keep looking forward to...the day that I can look back, and not feel much of anything about it. Just another chapter in life.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 11-

Today I feel better than the last days. I saw my therapist yesterday, and for some reason I'm feeling more optimistic. I think I'm starting to get used to the idea of him not being in my life, although I still miss him and I'm still hurt about all this situation. I try to think about something else when he comes to my mind. Writing this makes me feel better, and allows me to let it go a little more for the rest of the day. I hope this optimism doesn't fade away during the day or the next days instead of increasing. I really need to let this go and move on. I want to find someone, someday, that truly loves me and stays with me. I thought he would, and now I'm broken. This man created a whole world for us, but wasn't brave enough to stay in it with me.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 12-

Today I feel a little less optimistic than yesterday. Sadder. I dreamed of him last night. It want's a nice dream, instead we were fighting. The same fight we had when I last talked to him, the same hurtful words. I miss him, and it still makes me so sad that he doesn't care about me. It's as if I had vanished from his life and never existed at all for him. For him it's been easier. He prepared himself for this a month before I knew. How can he not care? How can he not even feel sorry about what he did to me, after all? It makes me so mad to think about it and yet extremely disappointed. I wonder if he'll ever reappear in my life. It's kind of selfish, but am I that forgettable? WHY? I want to forget him nut honestly I don't want him to forget me. Selfish, yeah. It's just that I would like to be on the other side, to be the one who's moved on instead of being the broken one. After everything I've done for him, and that I've been with him, he is the one who should be feeling the loss, not me. Now everything I loved from us seems to be a lie.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 13-

Today it's Saturday. And it's even a day I get to distract a lot, or the loneliest day for me now he's gone. I feel so lonely. The feeling of missing feeling loved lingers inside me. I miss doing nothing wrapped in his arms. I really miss the company. I miss feeling loved. Instead I feel rejected and replaced.

[empath]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am going through one, too (thought it's just the latest round for me in an adulthood of them!).

 

Of course you intellectually know it will get better. Emotionally, though, well, one's body can take a long time to adapt. At least it's that way for me and, I think, for most people. Everything you're saying will sound familiar to most people. One aspect that is really tough for me is the rollercoaster of feelings -- I would like to think that there is a gradual, steady (if perhaps slow) ascent to healing. My own experience is that even in the course of, say, an afternoon, I can go from feeling optimistic (as you say) to the depths. While that sucks, though, perhaps recognizing that the ascent will be more like a slowly ascending, but jiggly/ up-&-down, line graph, will help you in a small way.

 

It can be brutal, the withdrawal that one feels. I hope posting helps a little bit, though. I would pursue anything that helps even a little!

[Sillybillycat]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am going through one, too (thought it's just the latest round for me in an adulthood of them!).

 

Of course you intellectually know it will get better. Emotionally, though, well, one's body can take a long time to adapt. At least it's that way for me and, I think, for most people. Everything you're saying will sound familiar to most people. One aspect that is really tough for me is the rollercoaster of feelings -- I would like to think that there is a gradual, steady (if perhaps slow) ascent to healing. My own experience is that even in the course of, say, an afternoon, I can go from feeling optimistic (as you say) to the depths. While that sucks, though, perhaps recognizing that the ascent will be more like a slowly ascending, but jiggly/ up-&-down, line graph, will help you in a small way.

 

It can be brutal, the withdrawal that one feels. I hope posting helps a little bit, though. I would pursue anything that helps even a little!

 

Thank you for this. Indeed it's a rollercoaster. I can see that as days have passed, the ups and downs are less drastical. And whenever I'm feeling down during the day I vent it here. This thread has become kind of a journal for me.

I claimed he was the love of my life, and now having nc seems so weird and painful. I hope it does get better.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 14-

Yesterday was a hard day, but I went out with a friend to the movies and distracted for a while. I dreamed of my ex last night. This time we weren't fighting, but he wanted to see me and I couldn't manage to look good "for him". I'm sure it means something.

I was thinking about sex last night. I don't "miss" the physical part of it yet, I can live without it for a while. I mostly miss the intimacy part of it. I miss him being my best friend.

One of my best friends is talking about her wedding today. Both of my best friends are getting married this year. Other two friends broke up and apparently are working things out and getting back together. I mean, I'm happy for them, but meanwhile I don't even know how to meet new people.

How will I meet someone new? I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be alone forever.

[Sillybillycat]

Day 18-

Maybe it's dumb to remember this, but today would be the ninth anniversary of our first kiss. It used to be a nice memory to tell.

Te past four days a had been feeling quite well. I did think of him, but I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. It felt as if it was getting better. But today something isn't right and I don't quite know what is bothering me.

An old friend asked me out, and we're meeting today. It's not an actual date, but I'm a little nervous about it. I had a dream about the meeting, and my ex was there too.

I have the feeling that he dislikes me as a person now, but I really don't understand why would he. Sometimes I wonder if he really doesn't think about me at all, and if he really meant all those things he said to me.

Today I just want to stay in bed all day, but I have to work, in fact I have a tough day ahead me. My job isn't satisfying me anymore, but that's another issue.

I still wonder if I'm that forgettable. I thought I wasn't.

[empath]

I'm sorry for your rough day. As I mentioned, at least for me, it's going to be very up and down for the foreseeable future, and I think most people are the same. I think you may have to accept that you will have some very dark moments – but also that, and it can take quite awhile, the dark moments will become fewer and fewer.

 

It hardly seems dumb to me, what you mention. So many years! That's a hug impact on your life! And I am able to be emotional about the smallest things – I do think that one's body has an active effort for awhile in trying to draw you back to the person you love. Your body is in crisis – it is actually calling out those memories/ deep moments of connection... your body is in panic and trying to bridge the growing divide. It sucks to be betrayed by your own body and 'lizard brain' (i.e., the more 'primitive', 'lower' parts of the brain where a lot of emotion is initially processed)! Dammit, body!

 

But your 'higher brain' recognizes the situation a little better, and over time, it will work it out with your lizard brain.

 

As for for how your ex feels about you: well, many people will tell you 'not to worry' or think about it. Of course, it's true that it doesn't affect matters in a material way. But for at least many of us (I certainly am this way, quite strongly), it's not just the loss of sex, physical contact, proximity, or routines: it's the sudden withdrawal of love that hurts the most. I am feeling that right now – it may sound crazy, but for me, I almost (ok, almost!) feel at times that I'd prefer a breakup with love than a relationship with coldness. From the outside, though – whether it ultimately helps, I dunno – I highly doubt that he has forgotten you or even 'dislikes' you. Based on my (sadly numerous) experiences as dumper and dumpee, he probably thinks about you often. Right now, he may be using coldness/ anger/ what have you to ride the wave for himself (something I'm not capable of doing), but even if you hadn't been together so long, he will never forget you completely and ultimately has very strong connections to you based on the things he loves about you.

 

He doesn't want to be in a a relationship with you, and that really sucks (right now, at least). As is always the case, as much of that has to do with him (his psychology, history, anxieties, etc.) as you. No one, whatever their issues, is with someone remotely as long as he was with you without loving that person and having them form a deep part of his memories and identity.

 

But you (your self, integrity, self-esteem) will slowly recover. I hope tomorrow is better (though, again, expect the ups and downs).

[Sillybillycat]

I'm sorry for your rough day. As I mentioned, at least for me, it's going to be very up and down for the foreseeable future, and I think most people are the same. I think you may have to accept that you will have some very dark moments – but also that, and it can take quite awhile, the dark moments will become fewer and fewer.

 

It hardly seems dumb to me, what you mention. So many years! That's a hug impact on your life! And I am able to be emotional about the smallest things – I do think that one's body has an active effort for awhile in trying to draw you back to the person you love. Your body is in crisis – it is actually calling out those memories/ deep moments of connection... your body is in panic and trying to bridge the growing divide. It sucks to be betrayed by your own body and 'lizard brain' (i.e., the more 'primitive', 'lower' parts of the brain where a lot of emotion is initially processed)! Dammit, body!

 

But your 'higher brain' recognizes the situation a little better, and over time, it will work it out with your lizard brain.

 

As for for how your ex feels about you: well, many people will tell you 'not to worry' or think about it. Of course, it's true that it doesn't affect matters in a material way. But for at least many of us (I certainly am this way, quite strongly), it's not just the loss of sex, physical contact, proximity, or routines: it's the sudden withdrawal of love that hurts the most. I am feeling that right now – it may sound crazy, but for me, I almost (ok, almost!) feel at times that I'd prefer a breakup with love than a relationship with coldness. From the outside, though – whether it ultimately helps, I dunno – I highly doubt that he has forgotten you or even 'dislikes' you. Based on my (sadly numerous) experiences as dumper and dumpee, he probably thinks about you often. Right now, he may be using coldness/ anger/ what have you to ride the wave for himself (something I'm not capable of doing), but even if you hadn't been together so long, he will never forget you completely and ultimately has very strong connections to you based on the things he loves about you.

 

He doesn't want to be in a a relationship with you, and that really sucks (right now, at least). As is always the case, as much of that has to do with him (his psychology, history, anxieties, etc.) as you. No one, whatever their issues, is with someone remotely as long as he was with you without loving that person and having them form a deep part of his memories and identity.

 

But you (your self, integrity, self-esteem) will slowly recover. I hope tomorrow is better (though, again, expect the ups and downs).

 

Wow! Thank you for this! You really made me smile, your reply inspired me so much. Your theory about the body being in crisis sounds so right to me, as well. I really reeeaaally appreciate your answered, it honestly made me feel a lot better!

[Sillybillycat]

Day 21-

It's been only three weeks, but it feels like forever. What the hell? Three weeks is almost nothing and a lot at the same time. Considering we broke up practically two months ago, and he started to literally ignore me a month before that. So it's been three months since our relationship fell apart (at least for me). Anyway, I miss him, even though we can't be together. I don't know if he'll contact me ever again, if he'll regret all this. I know these are the same questions all over again, but I feel like I'm "evolving" through this. I can't deny that I still think about him, and that I want him to miss me. But it's getting better, I guess.