really need advice

[anna123]

A bit of background on me. My dad committed suicide when I was younger and I found him. Ever since his death I have felt completely ed up and have not valued men or trusted them.

 

I got into a relationship with my boyfriend. Id always wanted to be with him (we'd slept together on and off for 7 years). Suddenly out of nowhere we started dating again and things got serious. Every time he got drunk he'd start on me for no reason.

 

My best friends boyfriend had always flirted with me and made inappropriate comments I always told my best friend but she never listened so I just left her to it in the end.

 

One night my boyfriend and I went to my best friends party. He started on me as usual and I ended up dropping him home and went back to the party. After the party my best friends boyfriend came to pick us up.

 

She fell asleep and I was left alone with him. He gave me some coke. I was feeling pretty down about my boyfriend so I took it and took it and took it. He tried it on with me and We then had sex for about 30 seconds. I no it was because I was off my face he'd tried it for years and nothing had ever happened.

 

The whole situation ripped me apart her boyfriend went round and told his friends that he had slept with me. His friends new my boyfriend so my boyfriend found out. I tried to deny it as part of me couldn't believe he would go round telling people (and adding stuff to the story that never happened making out like it was one big love fest when it was the opposite)

 

I thought it would be like the films denying it and hoping it would go away but my guilt ate me alive and I ended up admitting it to my boyfriend and telling my best friend. I told her over text I tried to call but the words just wouldn't come out.

 

My boyfriend has forgave me. I haven't spoke to my best friend since.

 

I've been feeling depressed since it happened but now it has really got to much. I've lost my best friend who I adored. I no that may seem hard to understand but I did it was just a mistake. My boyfriend says he's forgiven me but every time I look at him I feel like a piece of for hurting him. He's a good guy and has even stopped being an angry drunk.

 

I feel like if My dad didn't do what he did I wouldn't be such a up. I wouldn't purposely hurt the people that love me. I think I do it so I can make them leave before they leave me.

 

Right now I feel really suicidal. I went to the doctors for back pain and she didn't look at my previous history of depression and gave me a load of codeine. I'm really trying hard to talk myself out of just ending it.

 

Every time I think about that night it makes me feel sick and disgusting. What I did to my best friend, what I did to my boyfriend. And now I have the cheak to feel suicidal when I'm the one that has put myself in this situation.

 

My boyfriend has noticed I'm depressed I don't want to say why because it's selfish. He's trying so hard to forgive me why can't I just get over it.

 

I have a business and I feel like I just can't get up in the morning I don't feel like there's anything to live for. I hate myself for ruining my life and for what 30 if not 20 stupid seconds with someone that makes me feel sick. If I could go back I would but I can't and now I just don't no what to do.

 

I understand people will have a lot of nasty things to say but right now I just need some advice

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is stop taking drugs, street or prescription. Stop blaming drugs or drinking for your own or others' behaviors. Also your doctor didn't bring this on . Get yourself into a drug treatment program.

He gave me some coke. and We then had sex. My boyfriend says he's forgiven me but . He's a good guy and has even stopped being an angry drunk. I went to the doctors for back pain and she didn't look at my previous history of depression and gave me a load of codeine.

[gebaird]

Anna, are you in any kind of therapy for past issues? Finding your father probably resulted in some serious trauma. It sounds to me like you are a bit emotionally stuck, unable to forgive yourself even when others have forgiven you. There's no way to erase what happened, but continuing to beat yourself up -- to the point where you are suicidal about it -- serves no purpose. I've hurt people, too. I have a lot of regrets, but when I'm stuck reliving the unchangeable past over and over again it keeps me from being effective in the present. You lost a friend, but that doesn't mean you are undeserving or unworthy. We all make mistakes. It's what we learn from them that matters. Please don't end your life. Please get the help you need.

[anna123]

I no your probably right. I'm going to the doctors first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you for replying has really made a difference