A good old update!!!

[PostmanPat]

eNotAloners!!

 

Been a while since I posted an update, you can read the background here.

 

I haven’t logged on here for ages because I have worked through my own issues but I promised myself, after spending literally 6 hours a day on this site hoping to find a ‘gold nugget’ of information that would solve my issues for me. I know it involves cheating but I think I have some valuable advice for those looking to get back together (particularly with a touchy issue like mine - but even just in general).

 

It’s been said a million times on here, and honestly I knew it deep down but couldn’t come to grips with it, you just need to go and do your own thing and ignore your ex partner. Mine was made slightly easier because she didn’t really contact me for months at a time but I think because we had so much respect for each other to heal we knew it was right for both of us and we did it out of love. Here’s a timeline of what went down:

 

Early December 2015 Broke up

Late December 2015 She randomly came back to our house to hang out for a day or two pretending it never happened, I was super happy at the time but turns out, as you can expect that this was just a way for her to say goodbye

January 2016 No contact

February 2016 No contact

March 2016 No contact

April 2016: She contacted me randomly because some guy was harassing her and she ‘knew i’d be there for her’. We hung out a couple of times a week, slept together, expressed how we still loved each other, but it was too soon… it was still too raw so:

May 2016 I called it off mid way through May, the day after we actually had an amazing and open chat about everything, something we’d never done before. She later told me this chat was very important to how she thought of me.

June 2016 No contact

July 2016 No contact

August 2016 I wrote her a letter telling her that I feel comfortable to talk now but no pressure on her to also feel the same way, knowing she was overseas for quite a while and we wouldn’t have any pressure in person, just the ability to send each other nice letters.

September 2016: Speak most days, she’s overseas.

October 2016 Speak most days, she’s overseas, I go overseas and she comes back a few days after I leave.

November 2016 Speak most days, I’m overseas but come home right at the end of November… we catch up two nights in a row before she has to move to another part of the country.

Early December 2016 I visit her for a couple of days… we had a really amazing time, honestly just like old times and she says she has forgiven me and it doesn’t bother her anymore. We continue to speak pretty much everyday. I can tell it does still bother her and I’m very careful and loving of her, trying to support her, she’s just doing her best to try and move on but I know I have to be real and expect it still hits her hard so I try my best to be as supportive as I can be.

Right now She’s home so we’re hanging out a bit. She’s quite circumspect about things, I’m wanting to hang out with her more and more but she’s busy with stuff so I’m really conscious of not putting pressuring anything and doing my own thing. When we do hang out it’s very good though - have slept together etc.

 

All I really want to say is a few things, firstly about getting yourself back:

 

• You just have to grit your teeth and use EVERYTHING in your power not to contact your ex. EVERYTHING. I can’t understate this. It is so hard, it’s like waiting for a truck to run you over when you know it’s the right thing to just stand there, jumping out the way is the normal reaction but will set you back both individually and in your pursuit to get your ex back. Don’t do it, DON’T make excuses for yourself to contact her.
  
• One thing I found really hard initially was when I was with people I wanted to be alone, when I was alone I wanted company. Find the right people to support you. You WILL go through a phase of wanting to talk about everything and dissect everything, that’s normal and in my case it was healthy… just find the right person/people to do that with. Force yourself out into new social groups, they’ll love having you and they’ll welcome your company.
  
• Don’t necessarily look for a rebound. Infact, just don’t. If you’re rebounding straight away and not feeling remorse about it then you probably didn’t love your ex in the first place anyway. It was a good few months before I started to get back into the dating game… slowly but surely. Some of my mates even gave me stick about it because I’d keep turning girls down, but I knew it was the right thing for me and eventually a time came where I felt comfortable. Rebounds just leave you with a void, another void to go with the void your ex left.
  
• Get fit and healthy… Enjoy the sun, enjoy the outdoors, look at other people and smile, you’ll get so much out of it. Whatever fit and healthy means for you, go and do it. Learn more about your mind and body.
  
• Read these forums! Even the bad advice on here was good for me… it made me laugh about my own situation! These people are in the same spot as you so work with them (even if just be reading their posts).
  
• Work on being a better person. Accept your place in this wonderful life we all have and work to give back! You can feel sorry for yourself for a while but you don’t want to be in this stage if your ex comes back (properly) for another chance.
  
• Don’t expect your ex to contact at all. She/he will be going through the EXACT same thing as you. It’s hard for both of you. It’s hard for her/him but you have to have the expectation they won’t contact at all
  
• But after what I went through, it’s obvious that if true love exists, it will find a way back. You HAVE to believe this. We both met many other beautiful, wonderful people of the opposite sex and we both explored a bit of fun but we both agreed they just didn’t stack up. There’s just something about real love. Eventually you will find out if it is true love or not. True love can only exist if both partners love each other - I don’t think you can be in love with someone when they are not in love with you.
  
• I was lucky though that my ex did want to one day speak to me again (she told herself six months but lasted three). My ex told me a lot of stuff, she did some pretty amazing things to prevent herself from contacting me when all she really wanted to do was reach out. And she was right, if she reached out it would have set us both back because we weren't ready. Infact this did happen, we hung out for three or four weeks but in the end we both knew we just weren't ready. I can say that because second time around it is so different! I’m not sitting there waiting for the next message anymore, she’s not sitting there wondering if it’s the right thing. The emotion and love might still be there but that doesn’t mean you’re both ready to work together again.
  
• Hide/block them on Facebook. I actually still have her blocked on Facebook and Instagram, I’m just focusing on working on building a real world relationship with her without other influences. She blocked me and my phone number even though I didn’t call her. Don’t be offended. Don’t be jealous. If you are the jealous type then this is definitely for you!
  

 

 

Okay, so the magic has happened, they’ve contacted you… what now?

 

• Number one by a long way… YOU need to be ready. You need to be living on this planet on your own two feet without any need for your ex to contact. It should almost be like a pleasant surprise rather than falling off a cliff with joy. If you feel ‘omg what they hell do I do now, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’, you’re probably not ready. It should obviously be a pleasant feeling, all this work has finally paid off… but you’re now a big person and ready to find out what this all means in a mature way.
  
• THEY need to be ready. There is a responsibility on you to recognise this for your own sake too - if they aren’t ready then they’re just going to mess you around even if they don’t mean to.
  
• You’re both ready. Well… you’re still not ready. This ISN’T your old relationship anymore. You’re not just gonna fall into the old groove right away, after all, there is a reason you broke up right? Start slow. Don’t give up too much of yourself. This is a must. You might want to pour your heart out and tell them the pain you went through hoping for this day but you MUST NOT do this. You’re in a brand new situation. BRAND new. Like you are dating for the first time again. You don’t pour your heart out, you might pay a few compliments but you certainly don’t profess your undying love. That will come at a later time, organically.
  
• Don’t speak too often. Stay busy with the amazing life you have built on your own. You can speak in depth for hours at a time if it feels right, that’s fine, but there’s no need to talk all day everyday just yet. Slowly build it up. One thing I did was to constantly archive messenger/whatsapp chats because then when I open up the app I don’t have that immediate subconscious reaction where I wanted to message straight away.
  
• If you’re overthinking things, you’re not ready. Are you asking these questions? ‘When will she/he contact next?’, ‘Did I leave a bad impression?’, ‘Did I say the wrong thing?’. If you’re asking them with no valid reason, you haven’t built yourself up to a strong enough point yet and the foundation isn’t there. You’ll drive yourself crazy and it’ll become obvious!
  
• Take it slow and definitely do not put more energy into your new relationship than your existing life you’ve built straight away. You’re worth so much more than that and they will see that!
  

 

 

So what does this mean for me? Well, we’ve caught up a little bit (not a lot, maybe 5-6 times) but have spoken quite extensively on chat, email and on the phone over the past 4-5 months. It’s a lot different to when we first broke contact in April where we both felt so much weird pressure. We’re both better equipped to handle it. Infact we were both meant to catch up tonight but she had to bail as feeling tired, my old self would have read into that all night and become weird about it, only to find out the next day there was nothing to worry about at all. Today I’m not worried in the slightest and will go and do something else and enjoy it just as much.

 

Longer term, we’re both actually moving away from each other to do something we love so neither us have any expectation, we’re just becoming used to each other like a new dating couple (I use this loosely, we’re not really a couple) and we shall see.

 

I hope someone got something out of this as I know how battered and bruised I was reading these forums early this year and they really helped me. 2017 is going to be a great one.

[kbbcoop77]

This is all well and good and as long as you're feeling happy more power to you ...however my experience has been if your significant other cheats and dumps you it's more prudent to cut all ties and remain no contact...forever. If they've shown they have the moral fabric to cheat then they have no place in my life ...PERIOD.

[p123]

Thanks for this post, really helpful and easy to follow!

 

It is so clear that keeping a distance and focusing on yourself are the best things to do, it's the universal advice I've picked up now. I'm 3 months after a breakup, had a bit of contact with ex which has been friendly - but it's so easy to get distracted and off your focus.

 

This puts everything in a great perspective!

[lostandhurt]

Good luck to both of you no matter what happens. It sounds like you both have made peace with life.

 

Lost