No Merry Christmas

[Fudgie]

I think that family members (parents) give really weird non-objective advice sometimes because it's an emotional topic. Your mom feels conflicted because yes, she knows your dad is a POS but at the same time, it probably feels weird for her to tell you (her daughter) to forget him because from society's standpoint, family is everything. So many people will try to salvage toxic relationships for the sake of family. I see it more from the therapist angle though I can understand how they can come across as being kind of detached and not really "understanding" the situation at times.

 

Something that helped me think about certain past relationships wasn't "did this person love/does this person love me" but "Does/did this person have the capacity to give me what I want/need from them, on a base level?" I think the answer is very clear here and it's "no" for your father. Whether or not he loves you, isn't it irrelevant? When what you need is a father who treats with basic human respect? If he can't/won't give that to you, then really, why does anything else matter? If he does not have the capacity to interact with you in a non-harmful way, then why stay in contact?

 

JMHO, I think you owe it to yourself and your family (R, little R, your mom, etc) to keep yourself sane, healthy, and as happy as possible. They need you and you need them and they will be there for you long after your dad has kicked the bucket. And I'm just struggling to see what your father could contribute positively to your life as a whole right now, as his life is coming to an end and he may start lashing out at those near him in an effort to control.

 

Do you fear regretting it someday, simply cutting him off and then hearing of his death, paying your respects, and moving on with your life? I know everyone is different, but in my experience, I haven't heard anyone lament cutting out someone who was mean/toxic to them. I have heard people lament NOT cutting out mean/toxic people but that is what experience has taught me.

 

I don't know, I"m sure you've heard this all before and none of this is new. These are just my thoughts.

 

sorry if I am out of line.

[Seraphim]

I completely understand what you have to say. No ,you are not out of line . I think I am just stuck in a rut . You know? We are told to love our parents . As a Catholic ( though not raised one ) we are also taught to love and respect your parents . And even if I wasn't raised with religion I was taught to greatly respect and love my parents . That is really pounded into my head . And I think my mother gave me the example of take the guy back no matter what . Her and my dad broke up I don't know maybe 15 times she left he chased he she left he chased her. But she always gave into the fact that she loved him and took him back . I feel like I'm following the insane scenario .

[Fudgie]

I grew up with "love and respect your parents" too, although probably not to the same extent as I was raised Methodist, not Catholic. Actually, I do agree with it as a whole, nothing wrong with that. But at what point does that "love and respect" turn into something toxic and awful when you're dealing with a parent who is not all there and is abusing you? Taking what love you give to them and twisting into barbs that they can jab right back at you? Do you think God would condone that? I mean, you know I'm not religious but...I feel like He wouldn't want you to continue harming yourself without any benefit. What is the benefit here? Further access for manipulation from your father? He doesn't seem to derive joy in others' caring for him, because he only is in contact with people who provide material goods. If your brother didn't buy him food and just came around to talk, do you think your dad would still welcome him? I bet not. Not only does he lack capacity to treat you with respect, but he lacks the capacity to benefit from kind contact from you.

 

I really hope you can move on from this. Your mother went back to him every time despite continued abuse but that is not love. That is dependence and a dangerous cycle. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to let someone go and realize "Listen, I'm not getting anything positive from our interactions and you are not either. You make me upset because you abuse me. I make you upset because I am not malleable/manipulated."

 

This is not love.

 

It is making me think of my boyfriend's mother and how she stays with his stepdad. BTW, we are not seeing his family this year after Christmas and he can't talk to his mother because his stepfather is isolating her. I learned recently that in 2012, K didn't go home for a long time because the stepfather was threatening to kill him. Guess what? His mother broke up with him for a month but then took him back. Now she stands by his side as he isolates her from one of her biological children (K). I don't think she loves him. I think she feels dependent and stuck. That is not love.

[Seraphim]

Very true. And he isnt able to use me he even told me that a few phone calls ago . So that is his,sticking point.

[Fudgie]

So that's all he wants then, someone to use. Last I checked, the Bible said "Love and respect thy mother and father" not "Be abused and used by thy mother and father". If he cannot accept your love and respect when given, then I'm not sure what else there is to do. Heaven knows you've tried. Just worried for you because I know people get worse when they die, not better. You'd think getting closer to oblivion shocks them into reality but it just makes them grip tighter to the bad habits and thought patterns they've always had. I'm really sorry.

[Seraphim]

It seems that is true for him .

[Seraphim]

Because it is polite I emailed him that his grandson got his gift.

[Seraphim]

And of course there was no email back . Because hey you can't annoy your kid over email . Actually not the kind of email he could make because he has benign tremors in his hands he can only email very short emails.

 

And I don't know why I haven't thought of this before but hey my husband can handle him from now on .

[Seraphim]

My dad recently sent me this:

 

Missing you

sorry to miss you at christmas ,my emial was down today all of a sudden it came back up and spewwed out dosens of messages, hearing better please call thursday 19th evening.

 

 

 

I called him a few days later. We had a banal conversation about nothing much. He is taking his medication again I can tell .

[jennylove]

I have a healthy father who never calls or texts. Ever. I once wanted to see how long he would go, so I stopped making contact just to see. 10 months later, he texted. I accepted that it's just how he is. But then I ran into a cousin who told me that my dad sent him 10 texts a couple days back, and cousin asked me to tell my dad that he (cousin) is having phone problems and cannot texts responses, but that he's getting a new phone within a day or two and will respond then. I asked cousin how often dad texts him and he said "all the time". Not cool in my book. I'm his daughter! I've since cut my dad off.

[Seraphim]

I have a healthy father who never calls or texts. Ever. I once wanted to see how long he would go, so I stopped making contact just to see. 10 months later, he texted. I accepted that it's just how he is. But then I ran into a cousin who told me that my dad sent him 10 texts a couple days back, and cousin asked me to tell my dad that he (cousin) is having phone problems and cannot texts responses, but that he's getting a new phone within a day or two and will respond then. I asked cousin how often dad texts him and he said "all the time". Not cool in my book. I'm his daughter! I've since cut my dad off.

I get you my dad has excepted one of my cousins as his "daughter ."

[jennylove]

Uggh!!!! But is that cousin providing monetary help or anything of the sort? If yes, then you know it's just him using her.

[Seraphim]

Uggh!!!! But is that cousin providing monetary help or anything of the sort? If yes, then you know it's just him using her.

And actually it is a cousin on my mother's side to be more ridiculous . Oh absolutely he uses her for money . And she was so severely abused by her grandfather ( not my grandfather her mother's father )as a child that she's on permanent disability because she doesn't even know who she is she's on so many medications . And my dad screws her over and she feels sorry for him .

 

And as you understand doesn't make it any less painful that we get rejected .

[jennylove]

No it doesn't make it less painful. I get it, I really get it. It is my belief that one day, we will all see the pain we may caused other people. And we'll have to answer for it.