What do I do?? Im in Shock...

[littleone2]

I have been with my bfriend for 1.5 years now. He is in his 30's, I am in my 20's.

Anyways, our relationship has always been a little rocky, but when we are getting along, we have a great time. Lately though, a lot of issues have been coming up about his ex, his temper, etc.

Just to give a little detail, when we met, he was honest and told me he had some issues that needed to be solved with his ex, but they would be wrapped up soon. To this day, he still emails her, I don't know how much though.

Just about a month ago, he lied to me saying he was going to dinner with his guy friends, and I come to find out, he took his ex out for her bday.

Then, when I confront him about his emailing her still, etc., he gets irate, and tells me I am obsessed with the ex thing. Im not, I just want him to be honest. He doesn't hang out with her anymore, and he swears to me they are 100% over in that way, he is just being supportive to her (through email) because she found out she has cancer. He says I am too young to understand, and I am handling this like a child.

Anyways, he yells at me no matter who's fault it is, and when I saw an email two months ago from his ex saying "i miss u" and "thanks for being there for me," I confronted him and he lashed out at me.

Anyways, the verbal abuse turned physical yesterday. I will not go into details why, but it was a misunderstanding on HIS part.

He started yelling, then ripped my shirt. He pushed me very hard onto the floor, then when I got up to stop him, he hit me again. He would not let me explain, and when I tried, he threw me down again on the floor!

I don't know why, but when he apologized, I forgave him! I am really in shock that he did this to me. This has never happened to me before, and I am just feeling so bad right now. Why do I want to forgive him, and why didn't i just say, "**** you," and leave him and not look back.

I am so hurt right now. He has apologized, and feels awful, but still...

[lookingforclosure5]

The question here shouldn't be "why didn't I leave him yesterday when this happened" it should be, "why am I not leaving him right now at this very moment?" Get out... this will not be the last time this happens...

[DN]

The question here shouldn't be "why didn't I leave him yesterday when this happened" it should be, "why am I not leaving him right now at this very moment?" Get out... this will not be the last time this happens...

 

I agree - it could well happen again. But he also has issues with his ex, he lies to you and the relationship has always been rocky. What is there to keep you that could outweigh those negatives?.

[littleone2]

Well, I know this will sound stupid to some, but I like the fact that he is older, he really does help me in a lot of ways, and he is very supportive in other ways.

I could see that he was truly sorry, he felt awful after. Not that I am justifying him, I guess I just am thinking that this is a one time thing, our fights will never escalate to that level again. Who am I kidding though, its possible, but I guess I know I am in denial, I am just so weak right now, I am not doing anything about it.

He broke my phone by the way, after throwing it in the street, so we haven't really formally talked, just him apologizing.

[darcygirl]

Any man that hits a woman is a coward. There is definitely something with him and the ex and whatever it is, is not your problem.

 

Do not think he will never hit you again because he will particularly since you are trying to make excuses for him. There are plenty of men that will do all those things you talked about for you without yelling and hitting you. In fact, they will love and respect you.

 

His ex should be getting support from her family not him. If I EVER found out my ex was with someone else, (which by the way, my ex is making a history memory in my life)even in that respect they would be HISTORY....That is zero tolerance in my book.

 

What would your ex do if you started emailing someone and having lunch and supporting them in the way he does her? Ask yourself that question, and if you can honestly say he would not allow it or appreciate it, then you know got a loser there...And who needs him?

 

And no matter what he says do not feel responsible for what he did to you. That is why you are feeling so bad, evidently he has laid some kind of false guilt on you to make you feel as you do. and manipulators are good at it...

 

Within relationships we are supposed to lift each other up and love each other as we would ourselves and you know he would not hurt himself, so why allow him to hurt you and get away with it? Because he has,,,physically and EMOTIONALLY...

 

Leave sweetie you deserve to be loved the way the Lord wants us to be loved and believe me you can be loved right along with all the "support"...Jesus is always there for me even when I fail, Jesus doesn't fail for me, and I can say I have made some relationship mistakes in the past, so learn from this one and move on to find someone who treats you better.

[DN]

The fact he only hit you one time is not in isolation though, because you say you already had issues about his temper. So this was really part of an escalating problem, not a one-off. He may be sorry now but you would have to have more concrete proof that he would not do that again. Such as taking an anger management course, or getting some form of counseling. Even then, I would advise great caution.

[San123]

I understand that you like a guy who is older and everything, but he is not the only older guy. You should go find someone else who is older if thats something you really like and someone who wont hit you. All abused wives who stay after the first time they get hit also think it "will never happen again."

[LI chick]

I know it is a lot easier to say leave than actually picking up and leaving.

 

I think what everyone is thinking is that we are concerned for your well being. I know you think you 'know' him, but you NEVER know anyone until you have seen him angry. You may have just experienced the tip of the iceberg because it was the first time he actually made physical contact.

 

If you decide not to leave, PLEASE be careful and let someone know what is going on so they can check on you. OK??

 

Don't ever feel this is the only man you will ever love and who will love you back. That is all or nothing thinking and it is not a good way to be.

 

Please let us know how you are doing.

 

LI chick

[littleone2]

Thank-you all so much for your care and support.

You are all right in the points you make.

I deserve so much better, because I know in my heart no one deserves this. He has been manipulating me, and he showed what a coward he was yesterday by hitting me.

It hurts, it really does, to have someone you thought you truly loved do that to you.

 

Thanks again everyone, I will keep reading everyones post until I get stronger!

[justsweetgirl]

I was with an abuser for a year and a half. She was charming and passionate and intelligent enough to show me only what I wanted to see. Then I opened up and let my guard down and the real person emerged. First there were negative comments/names, jealousy over my friends, then arguments, then arguments in public, then hitting. Even if the person NEVER hits you, emotional and verbal abuse are unacceptable in and of themselves. Abuse escalates, ask any domestic abuse counselor. In frequency and violence. It's like trying to stop a freight train. As for counseling, only 2% of batterers change their ways permanently - this is a documented fact. A problem that took a lifetime to hone does not disappear in a matter of days or weeks or months. Was it easy for me to leave in the middle of the night with my belongings in garbage bags and no shoes on my feet for fear of waking her? No. But it was the best decision I ever made. Good luck.