Lost and lonley after 4 year breakup

[femmegrl31709]

I don't understand anyone!!! Last Sat. my girlfriend and I brokeup after 4 years b/c I found out she had slept with one of our close friends (a man), 2 days later I find out she is seeing someone else. How could she do that? I moved out of town and can't eat or sleep and she is seemingly happy with someone else. All I wanted from her was for her to treat me special and to make me feel loved. I guess she just didn't want to do that with me. I have been telling her for awhile that I wasn't happy b/c of the way she treated me and the fact that she would call me names and try to make me feel awful about myself. She just couldn't stop it..... Why didn't she let me go a long time ago? She always had a problem with the way I dress and the girl she is with now wears a lot more revealing clothes than I do. I am having a really hard time and feel like my whole world is falling apart! What shall I do? Not only that she is just sooo mean...when I left I wasn't able to get all of my things so she took them to someone else's house and put them outside in the weather. So now I have lost 3 of my dogs and prob. all of my things. What kind of person does that? Who did I waste four years on?

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

That's really a terrible situation you must be in right now. You say that before you found out she cheated on you, she was already putting you down and saying things to you that really hurt you. Were you hoping this might stop over time? (I wonder why you stayed in a relationship that was already quite unhappy before the cheating took place, by no means I suggest that staying in it explains the fact that she cheated- cheating is in any case beyond my understanding).

 

How about the dogs, did you have more dogs with her together, and did you divide them between you?

 

I think we will never have a full understanding of what makes another person do things that hurt us.

 

I hope there will be better times for you soon. Keep on reading the breakup forums, maybe you'll find useful postings on healing. There are many members with their own story- you might find comfort in reading.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[femmegrl31709]

At one time she loved me more than I ever thought anyone would. I guess I was just waiting and hoping that I could get that back from her. I have tried to leave before and she would ask me not to and tell me that things would change. Not to mention that I did and still do love the person she was to me at one time. They didn't. I also love my babies and knew how hard it would be to leave some of them. Yes, we did get two of them while we were together. And it is hard to think of me never seeing them again. The 2 I have with me are depressed and missing their brothers and sisters and it is hard on me to see that as well. And the really messed up part is that I have been talking to her brother and he told me this week that he knew that he shouldn't b/c I was his sisters g/f but he has always had feelings for me. There is noway!!! Could you imagine there family functions...lol And that is just the tip of it......I feel as though EVERYTHING is falling apart....I am trying to be strong. Its just new and hard to think of never seeing her again. I just get so mad at myself b/c she isn't missing me and I am making myself sick over it. On the bright side she can't call me fat anymore.

[arwen]

Hey Femme,

 

It's really sad about the dogs. In many respects, they are like having a family and suffer from a 'divorce' and the resulting split with their brothers and sisters!

 

Well, her brother can't exactly help he has feelings for you, I think. He chose a rather odd moment to inform you of them though.

 

I understand how it is to be in a relationship, feeling bad in it and hoping things will get better. I have been there for a long time too. If it still doesn't work out, a part of you is angry because you already took so much crap from the other person and still got dumped

 

It IS a bright side that she can't put you down anymore. [link removed is a topic where people in similar situations make sort of lists of 10 things I don't miss about you. Mostly it's more than 10 things. Join if you'd feel better!

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Cadence308]

I am so sorry this happened to you. People do things like this to each other because we are all very selfish. Sounds like your gf is afraid to be alone. She sounds like one of those people who begin a new relationship at the same time she's phasing out an old one.

 

You do not and should not stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. You should have bolted when she was calling you names all of the time and criticizing your clothing.

 

You are very upset and depressed and you have every right to be. Take the time that you need to to cry and grieve over your loss. The best way to get over someone is to develop feelings for someone else. I'm not advocating that you should find or begin a new relationship, but just reminding you that there's probably someone else out there for you who is better than her and who will love you and appreciate you like she didn't. You should develop new interests, maybe take a class or join a human rights group to meet new friends and distract you from what you are feeling.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[femmegrl31709]

Thank you both....it really helps to have people understanding of situations when you feel as if you have noone else. The thing about the brother is I enjoy talking to him and don't want him to think I am leading him on. I won't lie....it feels really nice to hear the things he is saying. I don't understand why she couldn't feel the things he does. I too don't understand why he had to voice his feelings, I moved 150 miles away, he's her brother, and MARRIED! My ex of 9 years called my sister when she found out I was back in my home town. I was stupid enough to call her back last night not knowing that she still has a girlfriend!!!!!! I even still talk to her sister and she has been saying that she wants Pam and I to get back together...she never told me she had a g/f. Boy she is up to her same old tricks....I feel sorry for her g/f because she is stupid like I was for nine years and doesn't see who Pam is.(she hates me and I'm not the one who has wanted Pam back for 5 years) I guess that just shows me how stupid I was to even think of calling her.

[justsweetgirl]

Hi. I am sorry for the pain you are in. However, your gf did not love you the way you need to be loved. I know all too well that name-calling, meanness and spite have very little to do with love. Being disrespected feels awful. You question why it took her four years to leave. But I question why you stayed. You have to love yourself and want what is best for you. Unfortunately, we teach people how to treat us. Once you accept an abusive behavior, you give the other person the okay to continue it. I speak from experience. How can your gf love you when she doesn't even love herself? People who like and love themselves understand the importance of respect, trust and compassion, just to name a few. I know it hurts, but you will be better off in the long run. Being with someone who mistreats you is emotionally crippling and can lead you to be unusually dependent upon them for your own sense of self-worth. You need time to begin to erase those negative messages she gave you about yourself and time to form your own opinions about you and what you want out of life. As for her sleeping with a man and seeing someone two days after the break up, these are not faults of yours. This is so not a matter of her not missing you. This is about your gf being very irresponsible, inconsiderate and selfish. Her flaws. Not yours. Everyone deserves to be happy. Make yourself happy before you seek someone else to complete the picture. You are very vulnerable right now. Her brother's comments are flattering, but let him know nothing is going to happen. You are like a plant without water. Any compliment headed your way is welcome. But be cautious. You need to take care of yourself and be your own best friend. Surround yourself with friends and family you love and trust. I wish you the best.

[femmegrl31709]

All you said is true. I am trying to come to terms with it. She called me today and tried the same thing of putting me down. I hung up on her once and she called back and I told her I am gone I have moved out of town I don't have to have it anymore. She does that and then tells me that it is me who is acting crazy....naturally. She was saying that I left without dicussing it with her and she didn't appreciate that and I was like well I had enough. I kept telling her that and I guess she just didn't think it would happen. I stayed with her b/c at one time I felt more love from her than I ever have but that is gone now. I don't know when but she will miss me sometime surely. Then she will have to greive over what we had by that time I hope I will be strong enough not to care anymore.

[justsweetgirl]

Abusive people often tell their significant others they are crazy, overreacting and at fault. Maybe you should read some books on the subject. Abusers can be extremely charming and manipulative. Unfortunately, we find ourselves waiting for them to miss us, rather than doing something good for ourselves to stop missing them. Bravo to hanging up the phone. Good Luck.

[queenieL41]

I so know what you are going through girl. I don't know if you read my post about my recent breakup or not. But I will tell you a little bit about it. I was with this girl for a little over a year. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it was long enough to feel intense feelings for someone. Well when I met her, she wasn't single at all and she was with a girl who would occasionally hit her if her medication wasn't working. They didn't live together thankfully, but they were together almost 4 years at the time she introduced herself to me. She was 14 years older than me, had a great job, had her head on straight, and seemed to have her life together. I thought it was a little strange that she was putting up with her gf aggressive behavior, but I could tell she wanted out so I didn't look too far into it. On the flip side of things my x was 38 years old and never lived away from home from her mother. Her dad died when she was 28 years old and she was the only child. Six months after we started dating we moved in together. At first things were ok, but I could tell her mom was still trying to control my gf by making her feel guilty if she didn't come over on the weekends to visit for the whole day. At first I tried understanding that my gf lived with her mom a lot longer than the average person and didn't care that she went over to her mom's on the weekends. About 4 mos. after we moved in together things went terribly wrong with my job and I found myself unemployed for about a month. I still had money to pay half the rent and the bills so my gf didn't have to do it alone. That's when she started criticizing me and never complimenting me about anything. Not only was I down about my job not working out, but I also had to deal with her never giving me credit for anything. It was the beginning of the worst 3 mos. of my life. When I started working again at a new job, her mother started having stomach issues and pains in her sides. Her mother was with her bf at the time for over a 11 years, but claimed that she didn't trust him enough to stay alone with him so she started asking my gf to stay every night over there. At first I was understanding about it, but then my gf started acting really distant towards me and not giving a care about me being alone all the time at our place. I would find myself continously asking her what was going on and stating that I felt that it was more than her mom being sick as to why she was staying over there. She would get mad at me and then start saying I was crazy and obsessive. Since I had no proof at the time of her being guilty of anything, I started to believe I was just insecure and crazy for me thinking things and saying stuff to her. Well in January my gut insticts were found to be true and it hurt real bad. As I said at the beginning of the story she was with this girl when she met me. Well her gf at the time found out about us together and tried killing her and my x on New Years' Day of 2004. Needless to say my x filed a restraining order on her immediately. My x also traded in her car because she was in fear of her, bought me pepper spray incase the girl tried coming after me. I never met her x and thankfully I haven't because I wouldn't be here to tell this story I'm sure. Anyways I found out in January that my x bought her x whom she had that restraining order on, a cell phone in late October when we were still living together. She claimed that it was to help her x gf get a job because she had no means of a phone and swore to me that she didnt' have contact with her at all after she bought her the phone. What makes me most upset about this situation is my x could of put my safety in jeopardy over her past that I had no control over. When I found out she tried lying about it at first and then she knew that I was not going to stand for her lies. She didn't try being sincere about it either. She basically told me to get over it in the matter of a couple of days or leave. Currently I have been broken off with her for almost 3 mos. now and for some strange reason I still love her so much, knowing how much she never gave me credit for anything and put my safety in harm's way. I tell myself that I shouldn't miss or want to be with someone that didnt' make me feel more alive or better about myself. We rarely ever talk and when we do she constantly blames me and says that I drove her nuts and it's all my fault as to why we aren't together anymore. So when people tell you love yourself first and love others 2nd then listen to it. My problem was I didn't love myself enough and I let someone feed into my self-esteem and it caused me to go crazy for a while. All I did was blame myself and sometimes I still do, but I think of all the things I have gained from not being around her too. Everyone could see how my x was too, but I was too blindly in love. Everything happens for a reason and no one deserves to be put down no matter who they are. It's hard walking away when you are in love and not wanting to let go. If you ever need to talk, let me know ok. Take care and start getting involved with new things to keep your mind off things. Join a gym or a support group to discuss your feelings with other people going through the same thing. It's tough to be strong at times and it's ok to need a helping hand. Time heals all wounds.