High performers

[Jibralta]

A manager recently confided to me that although I had the best performance last year, they gave the highest review score to someone else...and they did it for political reasons. They want to create a new position for someone in the office, and if I had the highest review, HR would expect/require that the job go to me. The reason they have chosen this other person over me is because I have high standards, and the other person does not. They don't want to create waves among the staff by increasing the expectations or raising the bar.

 

I'm very surprised by this. I know you trust this person, but I would question their motives. Nothing about this statement is constructive.

 

Several months ago, we were all eating lunch. One of the women was snapping at me. I asked what I had done to make her upset. She sputtered a bit...and then said, "It's your face. I don't like your face. You're always so....focused."

 

I'm still not sure how to respond to that. Apologize for my face or for being focused? Again, no one is really pointing to anything I do, or anything I know how to fix. I think we are very different people with very different goals. I need to find a group that is more comfortable for me.

 

I've been in this situation (although I don't think any coworkers have been quite so rude)! After college, I worked for six years in an office that was largely populated by people who didn't have any career ambition. They lived locally, and mainly worked there because it was a convenient way for them to supplement their family income. I came into the company trying to master everything. I was very focused on my responsibilities, and not very interested in my coworkers. I just kept to myself.

 

Every year, I got stellar end-of-year reviews. BUT my manager always said to me, "you need to soften your delivery when you speak to other people because they get the wrong idea." And every year, I would think to myself, "How else am I supposed to communicate?"

 

That kind of reminds me of you asking, "am I supposed to apologize for my face or being focused?" You look the way that you look, for god's sake. You are the way that you are. Why do you have to be somebody else? You've made numerous efforts to clear the way, and they aren't good enough. I think for you it really comes down to finding a group that is more comfortable for you.

 

Remember the story, The Ugly Duckling? Well, after my 6-year post-college stint at that office, I went to graduate school and discovered a world of other people who were weirdos just like me!! And there I had been thinking that I was the only one! Now, I work with people who don't need for me to bend myself into a pretzel over my "delivery." I can just talk at them and they talk right back at me. Just the facts, ma'am. Mentat-binary.

 

The fact is, some people are more sensitive than others. People who are less sensitive don't realize that. We don't understand the triggers because we don't have them. So we mow RIGHT over the sensitive people and they get PISSED. You don't have to understand it, just be aware that you may have landed in a pocket of sensitivity this time around.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Thank you for posting that I completely relate. I'm introverted, uncomfortable with emotions, and raised by my dad. LOL, I really don't stand a chance in some environments. Luckily, I was raised in a small town, and I can do friendly, no problem.

 

What I find interesting is that women are frequently held to old standards, that being direct is seen as being rude, bossy, mean, etc. When I first started working, women had to call men by their last names, Mr Rogers, Mr Jones. They called you by your first name, always. It's changed a lot since then, but there is no doubt women still have some hoops to jump through.

 

Direct from a male is positive, professional. From a female? You have to fight for that right. Direct is not rude. I wrote an email response yesterday that simply said, "If this, we treat it this way. If that, we treat it that way. Please let me know if I can assist in any way." Simple. Direct. Not at all rude...except that I'm female, and probably should've added a blurb about my new purple suede heels, or offered my banana bread recipe, or mentioned how cute puppies are.

 

I'm laughing while I write this. For the record, I love my new heels, and banana bread, and puppies.

 

I'm in complete agreement about the motives of the person I trust. It's been weeks since he told me this, and I can't figure out why he would've told me. We're close enough that he's blunt with me, which I prefer, so I don't think there were any hidden meanings. It was completely demoralizing.

 

I'm very glad you found people like yourself. It makes all the difference!

[Batya33]

"Why do you have to be somebody else? "

 

Because sometimes we all do in professional settings. Totally fine if you don't it just limits options. (to Jibralta).

 

Interesting HOH what you wrote about women in professional settings. I think sometimes women undermine themselves by having that question mark inflection at the end of their sentences, for example (when speaking)

[Jibralta]

I think sometimes women undermine themselves by having that question mark inflection at the end of their sentences, for example (when speaking)

 

Or saying, "sorry," after giving an opinion! Amy Schumer does a good skit on that.

 

Yesterday, I was the only woman present in a meeting until almost the very end, when a woman came in to discuss state requirements for the project. She was a government official, and there she was apologizing at the end of her sentences!

 

What I find interesting is that women are frequently held to old standards, that being direct is seen as being rude, bossy, mean, etc. When I first started working, women had to call men by their last names, Mr Rogers, Mr Jones. They called you by your first name, always. It's changed a lot since then, but there is no doubt women still have some hoops to jump through.

 

Direct from a male is positive, professional. From a female? You have to fight for that right. Direct is not rude. I wrote an email response yesterday that simply said, "If this, we treat it this way. If that, we treat it that way. Please let me know if I can assist in any way." Simple. Direct. Not at all rude...except that I'm female, and probably should've added a blurb about my new purple suede heels, or offered my banana bread recipe, or mentioned how cute puppies are.

 

Yes, in the job that I left most of my coworkers were women. I got the same impression. In some ways we've progressed beyond the double standards, but in many ways we have not.

 

"Why do you have to be somebody else? "

 

Because sometimes we all do in professional settings. Totally fine if you don't it just limits options. (to Jibralta).

 

In some way it does limit options. But there's an opportunity cost for every decision, and for me the loss of such options is an acceptable price. I used to feel guilt for not being a people-pleaser. But now I thank my lucky stars that I am not one because it's taught me to take my chances, and not to wait around for others to give me a chance. The guilt that I've felt for not being as I should be, or as others would prefer for me to be, has decreased as I've found more and more people who simply accept me as I am. I find that these people are the real movers, and I want to always be where the action is. That's why I say that when I move on in my career, I will be sure to interview my prospective bosses, and will try to get a sense of the type of people that I would be working with. I won't bear the burden of other people's expectations if I don't have to.

[Batya33]

Or saying, "sorry," after giving an opinion! Amy Schumer does a good skit on that.

 

Yesterday, I was the only woman present in a meeting until almost the very end, when a woman came in to discuss state requirements for the project. She was a government official, and there she was apologizing at the end of her sentences!

 

 

 

Yes, in the job that I left most of my coworkers were women. I got the same impression. In some ways we've progressed beyond the double standards, but in many ways we have not.

 

 

 

In some way it does limit options. But there's an opportunity cost for every decision, and for me the loss of such options is an acceptable price. I used to feel guilt for not being a people-pleaser. But now I thank my lucky stars that I am not one because it's taught me to take my chances, and not to wait around for others to give me a chance. The guilt that I've felt for not being as I should be, or as others would prefer for me to be, has decreased as I've found more and more people who simply accept me as I am. I find that these people are the real movers, and I want to always be where the action is. That's why I say that when I move on in my career, I will be sure to interview my prospective bosses, and will try to get a sense of the type of people that I would be working with. I won't bear the burden of other people's expectations if I don't have to.

 

Totally legitimate. With my job search this time around, as a 50 year old mom of a young child who hadn't worked outside the home in over 7 years a part time opportunity in my field where I could telework part of the time was my top priority. To me,personally, it's "work" because at least part of it is acting. When my top priority was to be where the action was I did that in part by being extremely reliable, discreet and accommodating of other peoples' needs/work styles, etc. Never needed to let it all hang out. I was proactive but conformed to the culture of the particular company and if it was worth it for the experience ,etc I did it.

[dias]

I'm very surprised by this. I know you trust this person, but I would question their motives. Nothing about this statement is constructive.

 

 

 

I've been in this situation (although I don't think any coworkers have been quite so rude)! After college, I worked for six years in an office that was largely populated by people who didn't have any career ambition. They lived locally, and mainly worked there because it was a convenient way for them to supplement their family income. I came into the company trying to master everything. I was very focused on my responsibilities, and not very interested in my coworkers. I just kept to myself.

 

Every year, I got stellar end-of-year reviews. BUT my manager always said to me, "you need to soften your delivery when you speak to other people because they get the wrong idea." And every year, I would think to myself, "How else am I supposed to communicate?"

 

That kind of reminds me of you asking, "am I supposed to apologize for my face or being focused?" You look the way that you look, for god's sake. You are the way that you are. Why do you have to be somebody else? You've made numerous efforts to clear the way, and they aren't good enough. I think for you it really comes down to finding a group that is more comfortable for you.

 

Remember the story, The Ugly Duckling? Well, after my 6-year post-college stint at that office, I went to graduate school and discovered a world of other people who were weirdos just like me!! And there I had been thinking that I was the only one! Now, I work with people who don't need for me to bend myself into a pretzel over my "delivery." I can just talk at them and they talk right back at me. Just the facts, ma'am. Mentat-binary.

 

The fact is, some people are more sensitive than others. People who are less sensitive don't realize that. We don't understand the triggers because we don't have them. So we mow RIGHT over the sensitive people and they get PISSED. You don't have to understand it, just be aware that you may have landed in a pocket of sensitivity this time around.

Partially I agree with you Jibralta. I understand you since I am like that as well but what I have understood is that focused people tend to get "ostracized" from the team. Being focused and determined makes you more efficient and effective at work but you will end up working alone eventually which is worse. There is a dynamic in every team, you can't be way better or worse than the rest. If you want to, you have to change teams like HOH needs to do. This is only when you intend to stay at the technical level all your life otherwise(I mean if you chase managerial positions or intend to start a company) being the most "competent" person in the team gives you a great advantage.

[Hell_On_Heels]

"Why do you have to be somebody else? "

 

Because sometimes we all do in professional settings. Totally fine if you don't it just limits options. (to Jibralta).[/Quote]

 

I see both points on this. To me, it's not so much being someone else. It's more about limiting which parts of ourselves we allow others to see at work. At the same time, there are aspects of my personality that I won't/can't hide, and I'll pay the price for those.

 

Interesting HOH what you wrote about women in professional settings. I think sometimes women undermine themselves by having that question mark inflection at the end of their sentences, for example (when speaking)

 

Agreed! I did that as a kid. My father used to say, "Are you asking me, or telling me?" As an adult, it's pretty clear if I'm making a statement, throwing out an idea for us to discuss, or asking a question.

 

We also have a tendency to use vague words and phrases, like:

maybe

perhaps

it might be

 

No. It either is or isn't. If we're not sure, we can be upfront about that, too.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Partially I agree with you Jibralta. I understand you since I am like that as well but what I have understood is that focused people tend to get "ostracized" from the team. Being focused and determined makes you more efficient and effective at work but you will end up working alone eventually which is worse. There is a dynamic in every team, you can't be way better or worse than the rest. If you want to, you have to change teams like HOH needs to do. This is only when you intend to stay at the technical level all your life otherwise(I mean if you chase managerial positions or intend to start a company) being the most "competent" person in the team gives you a great advantage.

 

You've brought up an interesting point. It could well be that focus is subconsciously translated to ambition, and that this ambition is not seen in a good light by some.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Update - I had a meeting with someone high up last week, to discuss my career path and opportunities in the midst of our current restructuring and someone's resignation. I was all armed and prepared to do the whole corporate speak thing, and then decided at the last minute that no, I was going to be more open than that.

 

It was a risk. It paid off better than I could've imagined. I was willing to take this risk, because if I'm never going to be a good fit, let's find out now.

 

I talked a little about my background and what I really do (as opposed to what I'm doing now). She asked a lot of questions. She asked about specific meetings and events involving the team. I was blazingly honest. She was shockingly open and honest in return.

 

My half hour turned into 2 hours. We came away happy, with the beginnings of a bond, and lots of ideas. She has the perfect opportunity to get directly involved, and she's taking it. I think I went from "dependable" to "potential ally" in that meeting. I also went from "great at this role" to something better when she found out I hadn't done this particular work before, and then became the company expert in 2 years. (This isn't my label - headquarters gave it to me.)

 

We have so many areas where my particular skill set is needed. To quote her, "I'm effing excited!!" LOL. The culture might end up changing. She is no nonsense, get it done right, and still friendly/funny. I admire her a lot.

[Batya33]

I am in awe. I don't think I ever had the courage to do that (other than perhaps on my interview for my current job where I felt I sold myself with the proper balance of highlighting my skills while being humble about what I did not yet know/planned to learn)and I wish your post was on a blog frequented by job seekers and/or people seeking a better fit in their current environment.

 

And -good for you. You did take a risk but you must have done a lot of prep/thought because otherwise she wouldn't have been so open to your ideas, insights and input. And, if in reality it doesn't pan out at least you'll know you went the extra mile/gave it your best shot. I hope it works out.

[Zaphod]

I prefer freelancing myself, or remote work, as I feel you can perform however you want, and politics don't get in the way. Maybe it's to do with my profession as well (coding). I have worked in the office and the "politics" drove me crazy. Being played off against everyone else by management, being told I was "in competition with" my co-workers etc. - upon discussion with my co workers we all agreed this was holding us back. Coders want to put on headphones and code. We don't like politics. We are completely self motivated.

 

Maybe that puts me in the category of "Lone Wolf" which you mention you don't want to be in, but you sound like you'd make a cracking freelancer etc.

 

Best of luck with everything anyway. I'm sure you'll end up where you want to be.

[Zaphod]

My father used to say, "Are you asking me, or telling me?" As an adult, it's pretty clear if I'm making a statement, throwing out an idea for us to discuss, or asking a question.

 

I actually say that to people. I've also heard it called "Auto question intonation" or something similar. Drives me nutty.

 

Although Irish and Aussies etc. it's a different matter, cos that's how they've always spoke. I had an Aussie g/f who did that, and with her it was cute because it went with the accent.

[Jibralta]

Partially I agree with you Jibralta. I understand you since I am like that as well but what I have understood is that focused people tend to get "ostracized" from the team. Being focused and determined makes you more efficient and effective at work but you will end up working alone eventually which is worse. There is a dynamic in every team, you can't be way better or worse than the rest. If you want to, you have to change teams like HOH needs to do. This is only when you intend to stay at the technical level all your life otherwise(I mean if you chase managerial positions or intend to start a company) being the most "competent" person in the team gives you a great advantage.

 

One of the reasons that is not happening to me at my current job is that the whole group consists of focused people, and I am the least expert person in the group. I am surrounded by very smart people who are much more experienced than I, and I spend my days learning from them. For me, it's paradise. I like to be the most incompetent person in the group, while still being completely competent!

[Hell_On_Heels]

I am in awe. I don't think I ever had the courage to do that (other than perhaps on my interview for my current job where I felt I sold myself with the proper balance of highlighting my skills while being humble about what I did not yet know/planned to learn)and I wish your post was on a blog frequented by job seekers and/or people seeking a better fit in their current environment.

 

And -good for you. You did take a risk but you must have done a lot of prep/thought because otherwise she wouldn't have been so open to your ideas, insights and input. And, if in reality it doesn't pan out at least you'll know you went the extra mile/gave it your best shot. I hope it works out.

 

Thank you 😀. I really appreciate that!

 

When this exec came on board, I already had my current position, but hadn't relocated yet. We started in the office a few weeks apart. She had no knowledge of me, my background, etc. She understandably took me at face value based on my current responsibilities.

 

I wanted her to know my "real" skill set lies in problem solving, creating efficiencies, spotting potential audit and reporting issues. My current role had been a long-term problem for this location, so I was brought in for it.

 

I think the meeting went so well because we have the same approach and views on work. The more we found in common, the more we laughed and relaxed with each other.

 

It could just as easily have gone the other way. That would've been painful, but it would've let me know it's time to look elsewhere.

 

It was interesting to read your thoughts about being humble. I've have to say I honestly never give it any thought during interviews. Maybe that's the wrong approach, I don't know. I look at it as facts. Here's what's proven. Here's an area I haven't worked before (when asked). I've generally ended up happier when the interviews have shown my accomplishments, my potential, and my limitations.

 

Maybe that's because of my field. An advanced skill is knowing how to answer your own questions. We frequently have to look up regulations, policies, and how to treat certain transactions. So, to me, it's not a bad thing to be unfamiliar with something...I'd done very little capital work in the past, but was hired for it anyway. Same with VAT, hedging, disability taxes, and so on.

 

I love to learn. I love to unravel the mysteries of anything complex. So it's easy to put me on long term projects/problems. My downfall - and I'm very open about this in interviews - my downfall is that once I've mastered it, I get bored. Then I lose my edge. I tell interviewers quite openly that if they don't have a lot of areas they'd like for me to polish, I'm probably not the right person for them. That goes over better than you'd expect. Still surprises me, but in a good way.

[Batya33]

So can you consider that maybe there's something beyond mastery to continue to interest you? As far as humble I mean exactly what you wrote -you're honest about what you know and don't know, the fact, m'am.

 

I think you took a very smart risk in having that meeting - you went for it and knew it might not work out but I am not surprised that it did.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Something beyond mastery...that's interesting. I don't know what that would look like. It's accounting, so once you master something, it becomes very routine. You know how people often say, "I couldn't stand adding up numbers all day?" lol. That's how it feels once I get things running smoothly. It doesn't require any brain power whatsoever.

 

I'd like to think there is something beyond. So far, I've just grabbed something new. Any thoughts or ideas on beyond?

[Batya33]

Something beyond mastery...that's interesting. I don't know what that would look like. It's accounting, so once you master something, it becomes very routine. You know how people often say, "I couldn't stand adding up numbers all day?" lol. That's how it feels once I get things running smoothly. It doesn't require any brain power whatsoever.

 

I'd like to think there is something beyond. So far, I've just grabbed something new. Any thoughts or ideas on beyond?

 

Sure - but I also think that if you put it that way to someone who doesn't know you well they might cynically assume you have ADD or symptoms like that and need to change things up constantly. Isn't it good to have at least part of your work be things you have mastered so that you're not constantly catching your breath /adrenaline going to master something new? I want to think about that more because I see your point- certainly there are aspects of my job/career (I don't like to talk about what I do, specifically) that I have "mastered" and if there was no growth I suppose I'd get bored (well, I wouldn't, now, since my other job, Parenting, did not come with a manual and defies mastery,sigh).

[Hell_On_Heels]

Parenting can be like a science experiment sometimes. Does she stop running into the street if I do this? Does she put her toys away if I do that? lol. There's no doubt it's consuming, and wonderful.

 

I looked up symptoms for ADD, just in case, lol. I'm laughing while I type this. I like to find out about stuff. My friends make fun of me in a good natured way because I tend to do things like research light bulbs for 3 days before I buy new ones.

 

Back to the topic, I might be assigned to any particular task for months or years, depending on the need, the complexity, and the availability of staff. I also have multiple concurrent roles or tasks. If 1 of those tasks is challenging, I'm happy and stay sharp.

 

My weakness - ok, one of them - is that I am easily seduced by new work, new challenges. Managers that know me well know exactly how to sweet talk me. They use words like "impossible" and "messy". LOL. My projects are generally long term, 3 to 5 years...so I dont think I'm flighty, but it's something to consider. (I don't think you were saying I'm flighty. It's just a natural progression of thought on my end.)

[Batya33]

Oh I don't think you have ADD at all just wondering with some penchant for labeling these days whether explaining that on an interview might give that type of impression. I can see where you're coming from - have you ever tried doing different or more activities outside of work that are challenging to sort of soak up part of your need for that? (And I recommend the book by Cheryl Strayed -made me think of that kind of challenge!)

[Hell_On_Heels]

The hiking the Pacific Trail book? I haven't read it, but it's on my list.

 

Yes, that would be a challenge! Maybe I do need to change up my personal time instead of my work. I'm groaning as I write that, because it's still 50-60 hours a week of brain dead time.

 

I craft, and I used to learn a new craft each year. That went by the wayside when my personal life became too busy to handle it...but there's no reason I can't get back to something like that now. I'll do some serious thinking about this. Thank you!

[Batya33]

The hiking the Pacific Trail book? I haven't read it, but it's on my list.

 

Yes, that would be a challenge! Maybe I do need to change up my personal time instead of my work. I'm groaning as I write that, because it's still 50-60 hours a week of brain dead time.

 

I craft, and I used to learn a new craft each year. That went by the wayside when my personal life became too busy to handle it...but there's no reason I can't get back to something like that now. I'll do some serious thinking about this. Thank you!

 

Yes, that one - really loved it - hope you do, too.