LuciaSeia Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 Ok. so I have been complaining about my relationship (which people still question why I"m in) since the beginning. My bf is extremely shy and blames his issues on Erectile Dysfuction. He is a virgin and won't even let me see his male part, and it's been over 3 months we've been dating. He'll only do stuff to me.... I am a very sensual and passionate woman, but I don't want to be shallow enought to break up with him over sex. The longer I stay with him, the more I realize how important it is..for intimacy and connection. Am I right?! Would it be wrong for me to go out with the other guys that show interest..and cut this guy off? When I do break up with him, should I mention that I just can't take his ED problem? I also am looking out for his future, I don't want to scar him forever..I am the first girl that he's been with for years. So I'm being the conscientious one here. Link to comment
San123 Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 He's probably just scared. Have you let him know how important it is to you? If he's not ready, don't pressure him, but let him know that you "need" that to be in the relationship. Link to comment
dogspencil Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 Like san said he may just be a little worried cus there is a lot of pressure when it comes to sex especially the first time for men cus there are lots of aspects he might be worried about that put pressure on him, best thing to do might be to sit down and have a chat about it. Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 No, I don't think it is shallow at all. If you're not happy in the relationship then try to talk to him about your needs. If he can't meet them then you should find someone who can. The bottom line is that you should feel good about your relationship...if you're frustrated w/it and don't see anything being resolved in the near future then you don't have to stick around. Don't worry about being shallow...just worry about being happy. Good luck! Link to comment
shes2smart Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 I am a very sensual and passionate woman, but I don't want to be shallow enought to break up with him over sex. The longer I stay with him, the more I realize how important it is..for intimacy and connection. Am I right?! Would it be wrong for me to go out with the other guys that show interest..and cut this guy off? When I do break up with him, should I mention that I just can't take his ED problem? I also am looking out for his future, I don't want to scar him forever..I am the first girl that he's been with for years. So I'm being the conscientious one here. I don't think you're being shallow. You have needs, you're aware of them, you're communicating them. Sex is the main thing that moves a relationship from "friendship" to something more, so it's not an insignificant matter. I have a very, very dear (male) friend. He knows just about everything about me. We've been friends for nearly 15 years. We have never had sex. We will never have sex. While people have mistaken us for bf/gf or an old married couple when we've been out, the lack of sex makes those labels inaccurate. Do you understand what I'm getting at? Unless you both agree to a sexless romantic relationship -- due to religious beliefs or age or whatever -- sex is a vital element missing that makes it more than a friendship. Even in that situation, there is an underlying assumption that there will be a sexual relationshihp at a future date (after marriage, for example). Has he gone to a doctor about his ED problem? If for no other reason, he needs to go in order to rule out a serious physical illness. Not to do so would be irresponsible in terms of managing one's health. Once a physical cause is ruled out, I suppose it would be responsible to address any psychological causes and consider medication. If he won't even consider going to a doc to get checked out, it would make me wonder in what other ways is he not properly caring for himself, y'know? Yeah, it's embarrassing, but I can't see letting a potential health-threatening disease go unchecked because of embarrassment. I wouldn't worry about "scarring him forever." As long as you are considerate when you speak your truth, what he chooses to do with it is up to him. This is not something you want to lie about...saying, "Oh it's not that important" when you know damn well that it IS for you. If it's a deal breaker for you, that's fine. Better it should be out in the open now than you drift along for months or years pretending everything's fine. I'd hold off on starting to date others until you can get it sorted out with him, though. If he refuses to see a doctor, I'd have serious reservations about continuing the relationship. In addition to not taking proper care of himself, it would also show an unwillingness to actively work on something that is an issue in the relationship. Link to comment
marijo2480 Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 Well, it's what floats your boat. He probably needs to be with someone that will learn (sexually) along the way, with him. You just seem to want different things and apparently, aren't a very good match together. If you feel you need to be with someone that will want sex from you right away, then go for it. Dump this guy and find yourself someone more to your liking. If being with someone that hasn't been as sexually active as you have isn't rewarding to you, pass him on to another girl who will value that from him. Link to comment
ShySoul Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Not to be rude, but I do think that is on the shallow side. If everything else is fine and its just this, I don't think its right. Love doesn't require sex. If you really care about each other than you should be able to work it out and wait until both people are comfortable. Now, if there are really other problems as well, this can be lumped in there. But if this is the primary reason I don't think it's all that fair. You can be sensual, passionate, and intimate in other ways. And considering that he is willing to do stuff to you, I would say enjoy it. He is comfortable with sex in some ways and eventually he will be comfortable with more. If you really love him, you'll be willing to wait. And something tells me that once he gets comfortable, he'll be pretty good at it. Link to comment
baf15 Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Sex is not the basis of a relationship. People take sex too lightly and view is as just another pleasurable thing. It is very admirable that this guy is a virgin and you should feel lucky he wants to be with a girl who's not. I think it is extremely shallow to put aside how you feel about him just because he's not putting out. He obviously doesn't mean that much to you anyways if you're considering breaking up with him because you're not getting any. Get over it and be happy with the things he does give you. Link to comment
LuciaSeia Posted March 26, 2005 Author Share Posted March 26, 2005 Yeah...maybe I just am not that into him. He is too nice, almost a pushover, he does things for me..but its weird that he won't let me do anything to him (if you know what I mean). He can't be that shy..there must be something else wrong with him. I am a nice person, but I am not in love. I guess I wasn't ready for a relationship again after being in a three year long one that just ended in December. I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I should start considering other people's feelings a little more. Link to comment
Caldus Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Have you actually communicated this issue to him yet? This is something you two need to work out. We can give advice and suggestions but it's up to you whether or not the relationship is worth it. Link to comment
danielj Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 I've never been in a relationship before, but I could definitely see myself as being as shy as your boyfriend, so I'd say it is possible he's just very shy. You should definitely communicate your concerns to him. Either talk to him and try and fix the problem or break it off if you don't care about him enough to try and make things better in your relationship. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 Sex is very important for a relationship. Esp at this early a stage. He needs to be less selfish and give it up. Explain to him how important it is for you. It isn't just about connection, it feels great and it looks great. Tell him that he must let you use him as your sexual object, that you want him really bad, and that if he doesn't let you have sex with him until he is a mangled pool of sweat, you are gonna leave him for someone who will. Link to comment
ShySoul Posted April 30, 2005 Share Posted April 30, 2005 Sex is very important for a relationship. Esp at this early a stage. He needs to be less selfish and give it up. Explain to him how important it is for you. It isn't just about connection, it feels great and it looks great. Tell him that he must let you use him as your sexual object, that you want him really bad, and that if he doesn't let you have sex with him until he is a mangled pool of sweat, you are gonna leave him for someone who will. Right, the early stages of a relationship are dependent upon having sex. It's all about how things look and feel, not about about the love behind it. Women love being used as a sex object and if you don't treat them like one they'll leave you. Please tell me you were just being sarcastic. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Actually read again darling. I was suggesting MEN love being used as sex objects in a relationship. Link to comment
DSK83 Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 I think you should definitely tell him what you feel. Let him know that sex is important to you. If he is a virgin or unexperienced, it is important that you reassure him that you enjoy his company and would enjoy having sex with him very much. He is probably afraid that he cannot fulfill your expectations and that if he does have sex with you afterwards you will not think he's good enough. I am saying this from experience. I had problems having sex because I was nervous and was not able to get it up the first time and since then I was in fear of being unable to perform. She asked whe I couldn't do it but did not comfort or help me so it made the situation worse. Let him know you like him, complement him, and say you'll like him no matter what and be considerate with him. It's probably good for you to be on top at first and lead him since he will be nervous and inexperienced. Link to comment
ShySoul Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Right, and men love being used as a sex object as well. We're not objects, we are people and should be treated as such. Love and sex is about feelings, emotions, closeness.... not about being used. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Not every act of sex has to be romantic. Other wise there wouldn't be S& M, porn fantasies, etc. I am suggesting that when she expresses her lust for his body, her carnal nature, it might allow him to get over his shyness which is most likely mired in insecurity/lack of confidence over his physical attractiveness. Link to comment
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