Just trying to figure out the sex thing

[tinkerbell_79]

So I have a question--for anyone who feels qualified to answer it/thinks they have some perspective on the subject--because I feel this twinge of worry about the what I think/feel when I look at my boyfriend.

 

We've been dating for about 4 months. I would say, in general, that our sex life is healthy and satisfying. I feel comfortable with it, which is a complete switch from my one prior sexual relationship with a guy (in which...GAH...just badness in sooo many respects).

 

I just wonder if it's a portent of things to come that I feel like when I see him from accross a room or from a distance (where I can take in the whole picture) I don't find him all that attractive. Just in general. We met online and I was even kind of skeptical, looking at his profile photos.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, up close, when I am close enough to touch and smell and see the smaller details, I find him attractive and desirable. He's more or less a skinny guy (despite his personal worries about some trouble spots) but I tend to find that attractive, on principle. And I find his face and eyes sweet and expressive when he smiles. And various other little details (hands, arms, etc).

 

It's just that from a distance I wouldn't pick him out of a crowd as a sexy or appealing guy.

 

When we first started dating, we had this discussion about our feelings about having children and one of the things he said to me, in an email, was that he didn't feel like he was very good "breeding stock". He said it kind of jokingly but yet I think he was serious. And he followed that up with an explanation of a history of various health problems as a kid and his feelings that he's not genetically the ideal. Which, when you look at him, I feel embarrased to say, seems to follow.

 

Comparing him, physically with his younger brother of 1 year (who is stocky and muscular [not my own personal ideal, mind you]) he is kind of, to use a sort of mean phrase, runt like. I mean just not very tall and just kind of looks somewhat on the sickly side. And this may be completely OFF but it may be worth noting that his ears have sort of an odd and imcomplete look to them. I seem to recall from nursing school that oddly formed ears are sometimes related to problems with various organ systems.

 

I feel like this is coming off shallow and nitpicky. I love him and care about him and feel like we are heading in a pretty good direction. I just wonder if there is some genetic preconditioning in me (I would consider myself to be generally healthy and I come from a more or less hardy family) telling me that he isn't a good match.

 

Not to say that I plan to base whether or not we stay together on this but it seems to have at least enough significance to make me embarrased that I think about it from time to time.

 

Thoughs?

Is this the stupidest question anyone has ever asked??

[San123]

I feel like this is coming off shallow and nitpicky.

 

You are. Youre worry that he's not attractive from far away??? Are you kidding? Also, just because his brother may have something wrong with him, so what? You're not going to find someone who is perfect AND everyone related to them is perfect too.

 

If you're worried about what your kids will look like, or that he's not attractive enough? Some of the hottest guys I know have the ugliest parents, and vice versa. Also, might I add, that you both could be completely healthy and have a kid who has a disability or health problem.

[Poupee]

Even if he doesnt have the looks of a big healthy guy,like his brother for example,your kids could come up looking like his brother or his dad.Did you know that? In fact,it happens a lot that kids end up looking like their aunts or uncles or grandparents.So,you dont really know how your kids are gonna end up looking like,unless he was really ugly,which still doesnt mean your kids would come up ugly,cause I know of a lot of cases.

The most importantt thing here,I guess,is that you shouldnt be worrying about it that much.If you love him then why would you be thinking about that? I wasnt really attracted to my ex bf and I knew then that I didnt really love him (I thought at first I did,then I realized that I didnt) so I broke it off.Cause if you dont feel completely satisfied with the person then you cant be with them.With my present bf its different,he's not the hottest of guys but I'm very attracted to him and I love him,which is more important.

If you're having this concerns right now then it might be that you're not really 'feeling' it for him.

[CarrieB123]

I give you credit for coming out with your feelings, its hard to be "shallow and nitpicky" but from time to time we all are.

 

I really truly wouldn't worry too much about what your kids may look like or their health, cause there is nothing you can do about that.

 

I think you need to really think about your feelings though because the feelings you are having may not go away, they might get worse, and you dont want to end up hurting him..

 

Good luck!

[DN]

I agree with Carrie, if it is a concern it is best to think about it. In the end the decision is yours. But what really counts is how people are close-up not at a distance.

 

I wonder if this is really a cover for the fact that you are not really as emotionally attached as you think you are. If you love somebody you usually do 'warts and all'. The fact that you notice the 'warts' may indicate something else. Examine your emotions with your rational part to decide what you want.

[tinkerbell_79]

I feel like maybe I'm not explaining what's in my head well enough. But maybe that isn't possible. It just seems strange to me that when we're close I feel safe and comfortable and attracted but when we're not I just don't have that same feeling.

 

I wonder if this is really a cover for the fact that you are not really as emotionally attached as you think you are.

 

I hope that's not the case because he really is a wonderful guy. But maybe there is something there. That makes me not be able to relax and just enjoy him for who he is. Maybe it's that I won't let myself.

 

Sigh. I kind of wish I could take back this post but I guess that wouldn't erase what I feel.

 

Thanks for the input, guys.

[DN]

Look at it this way - it may help

 

Would you rather have a guy who makes you feel warm and comfortable when up close or a guy that is amazingly attractive until you get close and then you feel nothing towards him?

 

it may be that you are not the sort of woman who can have both.

[tinkerbell_79]

Thanks, DN. It does, actually make me feel better.

 

I think I over think things too much. It's like I'm searching for a reason why something is wrong when maybe nothing is.

[tinkerbell_79]

So, here's another thought.

I'm feeling really terrible right now about having said all this stuff, even in confidence. That it ever ran through my head at all. I would never want him to know I thought those things.

 

But it occurrs to me, it's possible that what my concerns really mean are that I'm happy with the sexual side of our relationship and not as much with the relationship side.

 

This is the first time I have ever felt like I had a strong enough emotional connection with a guy that I could relax and was actually able to enjoy sex and even reach climax. Which is a really huge deal for me. I almost didn't believe it was possible.

 

Lately, though, it seems like I have all this confusion . Trying to figure out why that part of our relationship seems so natural and like we can be honest and communicate with each other at those times but at other times (maybe the source of the anxiety about seeing him far away from me?) when we're just hanging out, spending time together, it seems like there is this uncomfortable lack of communication.

 

I know that it's possible to have a relationship that's based mostly on sex. The old story about the couple who stays together because the sex is good. And maybe that's what's happening here.

 

It just doesn't seem possible, for me, that sexual closeness and trust could occur in a vacuum. I'm not the type to just want sex for its own sake. I've never had a one night stand. And I don't seek out guys just to have fun. I need the emotional connection and the trust in order to be turned on at ALL (this I know from past experience).

 

I guess I just wish I could figure out what was holding me back from feeling like we connect on the friendship/companion level, because that is something I crave very much. And something that I think I really need to sort out if I want this relationship to last.

 

I've talked to him about this. About the fact that I don't feel like we communicate very much any more or that there are these weird silences sometimes. His response was to say that he's just enjoying the moment or that he feels "peaceful" around me and doesn't feel compelled to talk. And I suppose I can accept that. But it makes me anxious and I don't know why.

 

Is it that I just have a different set of expectations than he does--about what intimacy is? Could it be as simple as we've moved past the "honeymoon" infatuation stage and now I'm just feeling the disappointment of real life returning? Or does it sound like there is some fundamental lack of connection between us? Though at times that seems completely crazy.

 

I have this vision that the person you love should be someone you want to talk to and laugh with and share your thoughts with. I can't figure out if he just looks at it a whole different way or if we're just doomed and he doesn't get it yet. There may also be some issues with a current and historical problem with depression--requiring medication.

 

I just want to know why this feels so weird to me? Am I just inventing problems because I just expect that every relationship would have them?And how is it that I could feel close enough with him to have a satisfactory sexual relationship but feel him drifting from me in other ways?

 

I should also add that though he has an adequite sex drive, typically, it's not overbearing and I don't see him as the type to opportunistically stay with me just for the sex.

 

So confused!

Sorry to keep dumping. But I think its helping me to write it out.

[DN]

There's an old joke:

 

"How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

 

"Lady, ya gotta practice."

 

It could be that you two just have to practice. If he is aware of your concern and is willing to help, ask him to engage in a little exercise. Every time you are together, you have to talk about something moe intimate than the usual chat. Take turns. It can be heavy or light or a combination. It could be about something funny that happened, or an embarrassing thing that happened in the past that you can now share and laugh over. Maybe something that has been bothering you that you want some advice on - at work, or with family members. Something in the news that touches you emotionally. Start off for just a few minutes each.

 

After a while, you may find that it is much more natural to do this, you have learnt more about each other and become comfortable sharing thoughts and emotions as well as sex. And the moments of silence will be comfortable for both of you.

 

You don't mention who had the depression. Studies have shown that depression is better treated with a combination of meds and therapy. Much more effective than either alone.

[tinkerbell_79]

He has the depression. I think he's seen a therapist on and off. I'm not sure how big a deal the depression is right this moment now that he's taking meds again. It seems to manefest by causing him to not want to get up on time for work. Which depresses him; which causes him to stay in bed; which results in him not getting up at all--all day. Which has affected his mood in the past. But he seems to be conquering this recently.

 

There is also the issue of the fact that I work a 7pm to 7am job and so am a TOTAL night owl and he works a day job. So a lot of our time is spent me sitting around while he gets ready for bed. Sometimes I stay with him for a few hours but after a while the weird sleeping patterns (for me) make me feel strange and disconnected. And it doesn't give us a lot of normal time together. The thing is, I don't think I could be a day person. And my job is certainly too crazy in the days to be worth switching for him. I would just end up depressed, myself. And he has not asked me to do this.

 

When we were in the early part of dating (we met at matchmaker) we used to email all the time. Long, revealing letters. And while some people might not count email as legitimate in that respect, I really felt like a lot of important stuff was conveyed which made me feel close to him. He has admitted that it's been harder to keep up with the emailing because he's trying to catch up at work for all the time he missed with the above problem. thereforeeee, we have had some nice exchanges lately but still sometimes I write to him and get no response because he's busy.

 

He's told me he feels bad about this but just doesn't seem to be able to catch up with the old emails he never responded to. Which leaves me hanging. I've tried discussing the same things with him in person but it doesn't seem to have the same impact.

 

You're idea is a good one. In fact, I've had a similar idea in the past. The problem is, sometimes I just try to employ this on my own. Bringing up things for us to talk about that I think he might be interested in, but, again, sometimes it feels like I say something and he gives me the strangest responses. Like, I felt like something I said was significant and I kind of wanted to know what he thought but he either doesn't say anything or he just gives me a very vague answer.

 

I guess I'm worried he doesn't find me interesting, but he assures me that's not the case. At times I make it a point, if I'm getting anxious, to ask him what he's thinking and he'll say something like "I was just looking at you" or "enjoying your company". Which, I guess I'm looking for something deeper. Like, when he says he loves me (which I trust) I would like some kind of qualifier. Or some evidence that the stuff I say isn't going unheard or that he doesn't wish I would just shut up.

 

But I don't want to ask that point blank because it seems kind of desperate and self centered. I try to be specific about what I love about him. Hoping he'll take my lead but he doesn't usually, any more.

 

His personality is the computer/electrical engineering/physics type mindset. Very analytical about the world and attention to tiny details oriented. So he can go off for ever about the minutae of a piece of music or something in the world that fascinates him. And he is trying to share it with me. But it comes off more as a college lecture. Which is less fun. It doesn't always feel like I'm being included in the conversation.

 

I'm not sure what to think about that.