I have terrible self esteem issues. How do I get him back?

[Rebeca]

Hey guys,

 

 

So I started two other threads related to my breakups in the Breakup forum but you can find them on my profile if you have the time. A short summary: we are both 19, have been together for 2 years before he broke up with me 4 months ago. It is the first serious and long term relationship we both had, we are our firsts also. His reasons are that he was not satisfied with the relationship, that he didn't think we were compatible, that I don't inspire him anymore, I don't encourage him anymore, I don't motivate and push his hot buttons. I didn't reacted to well mostly because I am self-conscious about my flaws and have low self-esteem, and my first reaction was to protect myself BUT I also strongly disagree with many things he said to me because I know (and all our friends and family know well) that he had major flaws too and that it just isn't right that he blames only me. Also I am sure I always encouraged him and supported him. I helped him with school, I tried to motivate him but I was pretty busy too because I had my own exams to take. He may have not necessarily had the intention to blame only me because I know he truly loved me before, but the way he phrased it and expressed it all made me feel very guilty and angry.

 

 

He is not a tolerating person and he is short tempered, I guess we just weren't a match but I find it hard to accept it because I put him on a pedestal and trusted his judgement so much in the past, I think I just relied on him for my happiness because he accepted me the way I was for 2 years. I am quite a negativist and pessimistic person, also and at the beginning of our relationship I told him that I don't think I deserved him but he made me feel secure and assured me that he would always love me.

 

It's so funny. Even though I admire him so much, I didn't like him at first, I didn't want to be with him. He chased me a lot 2 years ago so I guess I fell in love more to his loving side. I loved him because he loved me but with time I started seeing so many great things in him because he was smart, courageous, determined, charming and made me feel very special.

 

Anyway, after a month he came back professing his love for me, pleading me, begging as I did before when he left me. But didn't last long, we argued again, he said some terrible mean things to me. I apologized for my mistakes but he doesn't see at all in which way he has hurt me. He is accusing me of always blaming him when this is not the case.

 

I broke up with him, came back the next day because I was feeling guilty as usually. He didn't take me back.

 

I am more shocked that after every lovely thing he has said to me when he came back, he ultimately wasn't invested 100% to make things work. I feel like he had these high expectations for me and demanded no change in his behavior because he thinks he didn't do anything wrong. I am sad that he thinks that poorly of me and that he cannot see how was I willing to change for him.

 

I just had a mental breakdown when we had that big fight and led to our second split. But how comes he cannot forgive me for it when I have forgave him for his? He left me in complete agony for a month and I accepted him immediately when he came back whereas he can't get past this last breakup I have initiated.

 

 

Is there any chance of reconciliation? How could I move on from all of this? It is killing me inside and it is so unfair. I am more angry that he doesn't understands me at all but I always end up apologizing to him and admitting mistakes that maybe I didn't even do. I don't say that he is not right with some of my flaws...but I really don't think I was that bad. He cherished me and loved me a lot these 2 years, it is devastating to me to not have that love again and him by my side. We turn into total strangers and I am afraid he has already moved on.

 

I want him back. What do I do?

[Edmund Exley]

You need to let him go. You two are not a good match. Your self esteem issues are what have you in this bad match. Work on you.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds like the kind of cowardly creep who blames the breakup on the other person with a laundry list of complaints.

 

Don't listen to a word he said because basically it's all bs.

 

Ironically these are his problems/flaws not yours 6690654] I don't inspire him anymore, I don't encourage him anymore, I don't motivate and push his hot buttons.

[Hollyj]

You have had more than two break ups. It is not working!

 

This is not a healthy relationship, he makes you feel depleted and confrontational. I think you need to ask what you were getting from this? It sounds like habit to me.

 

I believe it is time for you to learn to be an independent you woman. Stop relying on others for your happiness.

 

The relationship is done. Block him!!!!

[Hollyj]

'He is not a tolerating person and he is short tempered, I guess we just weren't a match but I find it hard to accept it because I put him on a pedestal and trusted his judgement so much in the past, I think I just relied on him for my happiness "

 

Terrible dynamic!

[Hollyj]

"he kept telling me things that made me feel like I was the only one to be blamed for the downfall of the relationship. Such as that I don't inspire him anymore, that I do not motivate him, that I do not push his "hot buttons", that he didn't feel like he was growing in the relationship with me and that he didn't feel productive with me in the relationship. I found all of this complete bull because I always, always encouraged him to follow his hobbies and dreams "

Reflect on this.

[SmileyFace123]

One thing that I've noticed is that some people are much better able to see their own flaws and own up to their mistakes, and actively fix them. In your post it doesn't seem that either party here seems to be doing that. Unless that happens a successful reconciliation will never happen.

 

I don't think it's fair nor accurate for this guy to tell you that everything was your fault. As you said it wasn't. However, I would actually step back, listen, and self reflect. In the post you seem really defensive about his criticisms. Well people don't make stuff up out of no where, however, it can be hard to communicate and understand what they really mean. from what you said it sounds like you have low self esteem and may have lost yourself to the relationship. I think it's attractive when people have outside lives, hobbies, goals, passions, etc. Has this been something you might have put on hold for him? I don't know you, so just make sure you're looking at yourself. Remember you CANT change him, but you CAN change you. I would say the biggest problem is of course your self esteem. You pin pointed it, so work on it!

 

As far as getting back together, give him some space and time. Sounds like this guy has a shallow ego. Make sure you apologize and then move on to work on yourself. Either he will be back or someone better will come along.