How my heart has healed

[limichelle]

I was with somebody for a good seven years and then the relationship fell through the cracks when my ex had his mental breakdown, so severe he couldn't be anywhere near me, because he thought it was all my fault! The last three years we were still together but I barely saw him but I was letting him go and our relationship die. It was hard to lose him I thought he was my everything! I felt as if we were star crossed lovers, we truly loved each other but it was built to fail and we would always be kept apart. You know like Romeo and Juliet and the tragedy that kept them apart on earth which was each other's suicide. Ours wasn't that tragic but it wasn't built to overcome the major hurdle that overcame us. Some storms you just can't whether through.

 

Because of the ending you need a new beginning of your own. So for a good year I tapped into the person I lost in my relationship. It's funny how you lose bits and pieces of yourself to somebody's thoughts or idealizations, it was as if I was just so consumed they became my own even though I didn't believe them.

 

I see many posts on here of people afraid of loving again. I understand your fears as I was there as well. I thought for sure with my ex he was it, there was only one person and he was mine. Then after the one year I took off those rosy colored glasses and you know what? Things weren't as pretty as I thought they were. I started to see that he wouldn't commit to me, that he blamed me for all of his problems, that he was never true to himself therefor kept stringing me along. Instead of coming forward and telling me he didn't want to get married or move out together. He was afraid he would lose me. Well keeping me under his thumb ended up in losing me anyway. He wouldn't let me have guys as friends on my facebook that I knew years ago who were married and had kids that I had grown up with as a child.

 

I wasn't perfect either, I pushed him around, I didn't truly listen to his feelings and I wasn't always there for him when he needed me.

 

Once you take off those glasses and see where the faults lie for both of you, you realize you can love again because there isn't just One person. Not telling you to keep going until you find your perfect person. Nobody is ever going to be perfect.

 

Just somebody who has the same goals and dreams as you, who lifts you up and knocks you down a peg when your ego becomes inflated. Who challenges you to be the best version of yourself.

 

This divorced guy at an animal shelter I once volunteered at told me "Don't get married expecting change, they are who they are and you are who you are. It's up to you to decide if you can handle them at their worst moments."

 

I think that just doesn't apply to marriage but for any relationship.

 

So I re centered myself again and found my religion again and went to church. That was the first step for mending my heart.

I started talking to somebody online who shared my beliefs just as friends. It was nice to talk to somebody about the heartache over my failed long term relationship.

That developed into something more in July and I found myself back in a different relationship. I don't know where it will lead, and it has its faults but at least I don't have the rosy glasses on to not see them.

 

I learned love isn't enough!

 

You need so much more then just loving somebody, you need to be their best friend, their confident, have trust, and have always open communication.

 

If you keep your guard up you won't find anybody.

 

Just learn to breathe again.

 

You got this!

 

One foot in front of the other.

 

I always remind myself of that.

 

I didn't think I would survive the loss of a lover, until I realized how truly broken I was to not mourn the loss of myself.

 

That was when I could rebuild and repair.

 

That is how my heart has healed.

 

of course take what I say with a grain of salt...and add in my two cents.

 

Lisa

[ParisPaulette]

Thank you so much for this great post. It's so true that after you have time to stand back and heal you can really see things clearly and then move forward from there.

 

Fantastic update and again thank you. This will hopefully help other people going through similar breakup woes. Have a great holiday season, I'm glad your recovered so nicely.