First contact from my ex in 3 months

[Mentor]

Hi All,

 

Some of you might remember the story of my breakup with my gf Lisa late last year. We were together for 1 year, and actually officially ended it in a bittersweet anniversary "celebration" on Nov. 21. The last I heard from her was a friendly yet generic birthday card for me Dec. 31. At about the same time she probably received my closure letter, explaining that I am going to need space and time before I can accept the new path that our relationship was taking. Being her buddy was too hard for me at the time.

 

Well, no contact with each other until late on Tuesday night, when I get a "Happy Easter" e-mail from her. It was short, and pretty unremarkable except for one passage that stuck with me:

 

"I am sure it has been a long cold winter for you...I know it has been for me."

 

Now, as the person who was dumped, it is my burden to read too much into these things. Here is what I thought. The first part is clearly a metaphor, an acknwoledgement that I must have been struggling with some emotional pain after our breakup. If this is true, then it follows that the second part would suggest that so has she. On top of this, she is sending a "Happy Easter" message on Tuesday? Easter in on Sunday. And it was the middle of the night. All of this led me to picture that Lisa was having a lonely moment, reminiscing about us, and in a weak moment (probably lubricated by a little too much wine) she sent this.

 

I am not naive, and I was conscious of the folly in getting my hope up from this note. Despite my best efforts however, I found myself to be in a great mood on Wednesday. That night I sent a reply. It was friendly and chatty, basically just to catch up. Her first message did not contain a lot of detail, so I asked her for some updates. I did also however call her on her motives for the above passage.

 

She did not bite. Her reply to me was friendly, but cool. There was no suggestion of anything other than an interest in catching up. Was my analysis of her first message so far off, or did she back away after she had a chance to tink about things more rationally?

 

Oh well, it is no matter. I really was not expecting to ever hear from her again, so it was nice to know that I have not been forgotten. I don't intend to reply to her last message. She is not offering me that type of relationship that I want/need form her, and this contact with her has upset me so badly that I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights.

 

Just thought I would share. It has been a long time since I posted any updates about me on here.

[Jennifern]

I would say as you stated, she was having a lonely moment, nothing more and maybe remensencing, forgetting for that brief moment why she ended the relationship. I would definatly chalk it up to nothing, and as hard as it may be just simply let it go. best of luck!

[Unluckyinlove]

Hi,

 

As someone sifting through my own mess, I sympathize completely with you. Also looking at this from afar, her note didn't mean anything. Just that it had been a long cold winter and that she was lonely, not necessarliy for you, just lonely. I do know how you would get your hopes up though.

Feel good in that she still cares for you, but if her reaction to your follow ups is an indication she does not want to rekindle your romance.

Based on what people have told me, just a brief follow-up note telling her how great things are and how good you feel would have been sufficient to see if she then would reply without getting your feelings involved again.

I feel for you. A year later and you are still wrapped up in her. Let her go my man.

[DN]

I also live in Canada and I was just saying to someone yesterday that it was a long cold winter. (After 'flurries' turned into a couple of inches of heavy, wet, snow). So what she said was literally true and you may well be reading too much into it.

 

In general terms, I think this is an object lesson for people. Don't send out of the blue messages to people if you ended the relationship. They are almost certain to be misinterpreted. If you want to get back together, make that clear, if you do not, do not send a message.

[just jeff]

Mentor,

 

I think you read too much into the Easter Card….but I would have too. I would analyze why it was sent and what were the motives behind it. And just like you I would have had to respond…unless my feelings for her were totally dead.

 

You got your answer with what sounds like a cold shoulder…If my ex ever calls, texts or emails me…I pray it is to rekindle the relationship and not just checking up to see how I am. I am not sure if it's a guilty conscience or just a kind gesture…either way, I do not long for it unless there is more behind the sudden communication…

 

I hope I'm never in your shoe's…now I know I will not respond to a card…it will need to be an email with some substance in it…other wise I am not going to rub salt in the wound…

 

Good luck in your journey…stay strong, later down life's path….

[Mentor]

The strange thing is I knew enough not to read too much into the note. I have spent enough time on this site, along with my own past experiences to be able to see it for what it was. Despite that however, I found it impossible to prevent myself from letting this little note make me feel good.

 

I sent Lisa's note to two friends of mine, and they also both felt that there was more to Lisa's message than just "this winter's weather has been really crappy".

 

I have been very strict about avoiding contact with Lisa. One consequence of this that everyone doing this needs to be aware of is that it will eventually drive most exs mad with curiosity, and they will seek you out for some news. They might also be looking for a bit of an ego stroke, to reassure themselves that they still have power over you. Whatever the motives they have, be prepared for the eventual contact, and know that even if you think you are on top of things enough to be able to handle it, it will be harder than you expect.

[hockeyboy]

she probably just got dumped by some guy and she feels sorry for herself and wants to know shes still wanted by somebody.

[Mentor]

she probably just got dumped by some guy and she feels sorry for herself and wants to know shes still wanted by somebody.

 

Could be something along these lines. A couple of months ago I heard from one of her friends that Lisa has been really disappointed with her dating situation post breakup. She is likely frustrated, and for a moment idealized our relationship and forgot about the reasons we broke up. For the most part, we had a great relationship, and a very amicable breakup. I know that we are both going to have a hard time finding someone new, the bar has been raised to a pretty high level.

 

The timing of her first contact could not have been better (worse?). I was really low this week, feeling very isolated, lonely, and frustrated with my own romantic life (or lack thereof). Out of the depths of this sorrow comes this note from my ex-love. She couldn't have found me more vulnerable. It seems that exs are attuned to our emotions even when we are apart, and they can sense when we are no longer looking after them, so they come sniffing around to see what's up.

[ocean9]

Mentor,

 

Emails and ecards leave a lot to be desired in terms of clear communication. Words are just words...and then the reader projects all sorts of meaning onto those words.

 

If you really do want to communicate with her, call her up, and ask her out for coffee. Communicate face to face so that you can see her body language, hear her tone of voice, and touch if appropriate.

It has been a few months, and if you feel ready, why not meet up and catch up with each other for real?

 

I suggest not using email, texting, IM, or ecards. Pick up the phone and give her a ring if you are serious about talking with her.

 

 

[Mentor]

Emails and ecards leave a lot to be desired in terms of clear communication. Words are just words...and then the reader projects all sorts of meaning onto those words.

 

If you really do want to communicate with her, call her up, and ask her out for coffee. Communicate face to face so that you can see her body language, hear her tone of voice, and touch if appropriate.

It has been a few months, and if you feel ready, why not meet up and catch up with each other for real?

 

Hi ocean9,

 

The fact is I am not ready to be her "buddy". If I was I would have contacted her by now. She initiated this contact, and I felt that her gesture required a response from me. I am not as strict about "No Contact" as some on this site. Lisa took a risk sending me that first e-mail. I could have responded in a hostile fashion, or not at all. Her courage deserved a friendly response. I am not ready to see her in person. Even these two short but friendly e-mails from her have shaken me up pretty badly, I shudder to think what seeing her would do to me.

 

I do agree with your point however. Face-to-face, or at least phone communication is far superior to e-mail when emotions are involved. This is particularly true in a relationship, but also applies to exs - provided that both parties are ready.

[ocean9]

I am not ready to see her in person. Even these two short but friendly e-mails from her have shaken me up pretty badly, I shudder to think what seeing her would do to me.

 

I understand. If you know that you are too vulnerable, then it is wise to not see her yet.

[Wimpy]

Mentor

 

I think that you were 100% justified to read into that e-mail what you read into it. Don't forget that we women are experts at writing things with hints in them so I would have jumped to the same conclusions as you. As a matter of interest the friends you forwarded it to - were they male or female?

 

I really understand why you thought that something more might have been getting said. I think that dumpers should really be more careful in how they communicate with ex-gf/bf's to avoid this kind of emotional upset.

 

You'll be strong again - just give yourself time.

[Mentor]

I think that you were 100% justified to read into that e-mail what you read into it. Don't forget that we women are experts at writing things with hints in them so I would have jumped to the same conclusions as you. As a matter of interest the friends you forwarded it to - were they male or female?

 

I really understand why you thought that something more might have been getting said. I think that dumpers should really be more careful in how they communicate with ex-gf/bf's to avoid this kind of emotional upset.

 

You'll be strong again - just give yourself time.

 

Hi Wimpy,

 

Thanks! The friends were both female.

 

I think that you are right, my ex should have been more careful. Actually, I don't think that she was careless, I think that she knew what she was doing, as you implied with your first point. Unfortunately, she (deliberately) left that uncertainty in her words, so it was upon me to take the risk in interpreting them as I did, handing all control back to her.

[cloe]

I believe she may have been feeling you out. Maybe it was a single weak moment, but maybe she's been having these moments every now and then and maybe they've become more frequent.

 

Or maybe she's feeling bad about herself and it would make her feel better to know that you are still interested.

 

Basically it is either about you or about her, probably not about you two together.

 

Good luck to you!

[ocean9]

mentor,

 

how are you doing today?

are you feeling more balanced today? (less shaken up at all?)

[Mentor]

how are you doing today?

are you feeling more balanced today? (less shaken up at all?)

 

A little bit. Thanks for asking! I was not really doing very well even before Lisa contacted me, so maybe I am getting over that shock and returning to where I was before.

 

The people in my life who care about me and know about this are all quite upset with Lisa for twisting the knife. They think she took the easy way out by including that ambiguous sentence about the long cold winter. It left it up to me to make the interpretation, and take the risk. If Lisa wanted to contact me, she should have been much more direct.

 

I will not continue the e-mail exchange, and wait and see if Lisa presses the issue or lets it drop. If she was sincere in her original e-mail that she only wanted to catch up since it had been so long, then she has received what she wanted. My reply to her was friendly, and did not contain more than subtle hints about my feelings.

 

I have had a hard time not replying to her today. On top of it all, I think that I still have her e-mail password. The temptation to do some snooping to see if there are any clues about what she is thinking is strong. I respect and care for her too much to do that, but it is causing me some stress.

[ocean9]

Mentor,

 

It sounds like this has been really hard for you.

 

Have you thought of changing your email address, and not telling her? It sounds like contact from her causes you more harm than good. She could always call you if she really wanted to talk to you...and if she said anything weird, you could ask her in the moment what the heck she meant. It would prevent this double message nonsense.

[Mentor]

Have you thought of changing your email address, and not telling her?

 

I did this for a while, but it really bothered her. I also did not want to cut her off completely. After I told her that I needed some time and space she did give me 3 months without bugging me. I would prefer to just ask her to not contact me, and that I will contact her when I am ready. I am sure that she would respect that, but right now I am OK leaving it as it is.

[Hope75]

Hi Mentor,

 

I hope you are staying strong today and feeling like you don't have to contact her.

 

Now you know as you have told me so many times how much trouble seeing en ex's email or URL history is! Nothing good comes if it, but we still do it, don't we?? Try to leave that alone, it's not a good idea. (don't I know??)

 

Well, just wanted to see how you were feeling and know that although I too believe Lisa had a weak lonely moment, that her intentions have not changed, and that you are wise to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Hang in there!!

 

Hope

[Mentor]

Ugh, I couldn't sleep again last night. It almost feels like I have fallen right back into December.

 

No Hope, I don't feel a strong urge to contact her. I never really have since the breakup in fact. It is kind of strange, but I have had no problem maintaining no contact. If she doesn't want me, then why would I chase after her? Maybe I am too proud, I dunno. Doesn't stop me from being heartbroken though.

 

Don't worry, I not going to snoop through e-mails. That only makes things worse, in so many ways.

 

I suspect I will get though this in time. It is funny how she pops back into my life at my lowest point since we broke up though. That made her reappearance that much harder to deal with.

 

I was looking at some pictures from our vacation last summer recently. It was a strange sensation. I almost didn't remember being there, it was like I was looking at someone else with her. In a way I was too. I was never comfortable being myself around her. I think this had a big part to play in why we never got that close, and it has been a good lesson for me to learn for the future....

[Hope75]

Hi Mentor,

 

Glad you are comfortable with leaving her alone, that's a tough spot to be in though.

 

You can feel like you've made so much progress and then one call, or letter or email, and it feels like you are right back where you started.

 

I went through a really hard breakup before my most recent, a man I was with for 2 years who I really believed was "THE ONE" and I was totally devestated when it ended, and like you, each time I heard from him I was hanging onto hope that we'd get back together, and I was so heartbroken for the longest time, but now, 4 years later, when I think of him I just have pleasant memories of the good times we had, sadness at the bad parts, but no aching feelings for him anymore.

 

I think given time you will reach this point with Lisa as well, As everyone says here, time does heal.

 

Strange about the pictures....sounds like you didn't really feel like you belonged there?