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I am a newbie...Husband cheated and now their is a BABY

caffiene0811

By caffiene0811
in Infidelity

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caffiene0811 Newbie

caffiene0811

Posted
Posted

This is deep so....hold on to your seats.

 

I need help. I have not had sound advice even going to a counselor.

 

The husband over 4 years of marriage and 18 years total has cheated. He admitted and told me that last year he went to a website for sex (and that only). He said because we didn't do it enough (like 2 x a week) which I think is a lot. Having three children together and in the house when he told me, I couldn't do much freaking out like you see in the movies.

 

So, fast forward to now. We have taken the mistress (sex with him 5 times) for money...to court bc there was also a BABY involved. Which he hid from me; however claims he told me everything in his confession....

 

I told him in order for me to think straight and take care of this lovechild baby...he will pay for the baby until this is somewhat resolved and he is supporting and not running away.

 

Even after like 8 counseling sessions, I CANNOT TRUST him...It puts me in a bad mood at unpredictable times. Our lives are intermingled with colleagues, family, and friends. We look like the perfect family which is WHY THIS totally blinsided EVERYONE! (especially me) It was a call that sex 1-2 week wasn't even enough. He cheated when our youngest was only 2 years old. (like that wasn't enough to keep him busy)

 

I am not sure what to do. After 6 months after his confession, I feel very uneasy and feel like the end of the road. Did I mention he is a heavy drinker and a narcassitic personality...

 

IM VENTING sorry someone please advise....

 

PS We have never faced these issues before (infidelity) so I feel like he is becoming a stranger

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Kaykayxo Enthusiast

Kaykayxo

Posted
Posted

WOW.

What an idiot. I will never understand why grown men will have unprotected sex with complete strangers outside of their relationship. Fools. ANYWAY.

There are a lot of questions I would have pertaining to this situation. Has he shown a great deal of remorse since this incident has come to light? Does he steadily try to redeem himself to you? Does it seem like he really regrets his actions and would never even THINK of doing this again? Or is he just guilty and now panicked because he is in some serious doo doo?

 

Also, what was your relationship like prior to all of this? You have been together quite a while, was it mostly highs? Or did you often have tension and conflict? You say to outsiders you seem like the "perfect family" and there seems to be a concern on your part with image. I'll tell you, do not let perceived image or others opinions keep you in a position you do not want to be in. Do not let that be the driving factor to hide all your husbands mistakes for him and become a wreck internally. Things happen, and guess what? It affected you, but it ain't your fault. It's entirely HIS fault and HIS problem, which he has selfishly placed a burden on his family. The shame is all on him and I think it is up to him to man up and deal with this mistake. You should not have to worry about any of his dealings with his mistress or love child. If you decide to stay with him that is fine but do not take any responsibility for what he has done. You can get involved but if he cannot handle it properly maybe that is a huge sign of his character. IMO he needs to be proving himself to you and cleaning up his mess.

 

He also is responsible for gaining your trust back. It will not happen overnight, but that man better be bending over backward to prove it to you, or he should have never came back to you with these issues in the first place! Honestly in this situation I feel unless the man is seriously taking action and showing such a deep sense of regret for hurting his loved one, you should consider whether staying with him is worth the pain.

 

I understand you are a family, however it is not weak for a women to walk away from her man if he is no longer of use to her. If your husband is causing you more strife than he is feelings of security and love, there is no point. I am not saying things will not change, I am just saying sometimes people get a divorce and that's life. Nobody WANTS to have to get a divorce, but to me it makes a hell of a lot more sense than sticking around in somebody elses mess. Many people want to make even the worst marriages or circumstances work for the kids, but I believe healthy co-parenting can go on without mommy and daddy sleeping in the same bed if you know what I mean.

 

I would take time to self-reflect. The relationship doesn't seem worth salvaging, besides the sake of your kids. At the end of the day, if that's what it comes down to, there are plenty of ways you two can work it out so that your children feel loved and secure by both parents and are not burdened by the seperation. I think that is healthier than living in a home full of resentment, lies and cheating.

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trickykid Enthusiast

trickykid

Posted
Posted

You go ahead and vent, I mean what a pr1ck.

 

Well, you have every right to vent, I think you will benefit from the therapy eventually, as for the trust, well thats after taking a severe beating and I think that this is way over the line for you. Sadly, the trust is going to be a long slow process.

 

You are going to have to ask him to give you time and space to think this through properly, tell him he needs to get to AA and change his life for a start. You will have to really decide if the benefits of him changing versus the cost of what it is going to take to get there, is something you want to live with.

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HealingAngel42 Rookie

HealingAngel42

Posted
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oh my gosh, what a piece of Sh*&. I'm sorry you are going through this as i can't imagine how betrayed you feel and how painful this must be for you. I'm reeling over 5 years right now can't imagine 18. I agree with what KayKayxo said, I don't see how you can ever trust him again. I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer in once a cheater, always a cheater. How do you know that this might not be the first time he did this but maybe the first time he got caught? I don't know if you have a big enough income to survive on your own with 3 kids, that may be a factor, do you have support from family members that love you unconditionally? Maybe you can stay with a family member to get on your feet and for moral support if you decide to split? You deserve WAY better, a man that is going to love you and treat you with diginity and respect. Also, one thing I've learned, is if he is an alcoholic and does not love or respect himself, he can't love or respect anyone else until he gets better through AA etc. I know this because my ex is an alcoholic and a drug addict as well. Pray to your higher power for strength to guide in making the right decision for you and your children. Good luck and there are so many nice people on this forum, guys and girls that will be supportive. Also, I hate to say this..but if he is having unprotected sex with one of those nasty girls on those sights who get paid to sleep around, have you went to the doctor and had yourself checked for STD's? Another point is that you have take care of yourself the best you can through this difficult time so you can take care of your children. Seek support from family, friends, church etc. from people who care about you.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Is she suing him for child support? You say "we", so you are standing by him? It sounds like he's had a double life for a while and this is only one manifestation of it that he couldn't hide or deny.

We have taken the mistress (sex with him 5 times) for money...to court bc there was also a BABY involved.
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