Rekindling with your ex..

[Andie]

I see so many people asking about it.. I see people who have accomplished it.. but the ex has to want to come back.. my ex left me this past Christmas day after 12 years together.. said he met someone at work, wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a fresh start.. 85 days later, I haven't heard from him.. I haven't contacted him either.. there's no plan that's gonna work for someone in my shoes.. he's gone and that's that.. am I right? I think so, and yet I still see these posts about how it CAN be done.. any advice for me?

[Mysterious Gurl]

He might not be with that person work now. Might be single but feels akward about returning.

 

What harm can it do if you contact him? Theres no reason you can't re-kindle with your ex as long as he is single? I mean maybe he missed you as much as you miss him?

 

Miya

[herewegoagain]

Andie - Well that's a tough one. I've been through it all. My ex girlfriend kind of did the same thing to me that your ex did to you.

 

My ex left me this past August for someone else, and they got engaged at Christmas. I tried everythng - NO Contact, contact by letters and email, but nothing worked. She ignored all of my emails until the last one I sent about 2 months ago. I just told her that I am happy for her on her engagement, and that I really hope she will be happy, etc. And I also told her that I still cry at night because I miss her, and that she will always have a special place in my heart.

 

Surprisingly, she wrote a nice email back (usually she would never respond) Anyway, she said that she is sorry for the way that things happened, and that she misses my family, and that she hopes I will be happy someday with someone. She never said she wanted me back or anything like that, but it was nice to hear from her.

 

But my point is, I just wanted to let her know one last time that I still love her (even thoguh it has been since August). I feel so much better because I know that she knows that I still ove her. As long as she knows, then that is all I can do.

 

She is going to get married already this summer, and that will hurt but I guess I have to trust in God know that He will have someone else for me someday.

 

Who knows, maybe my ex will call someday (I doubt it), but I cannot wait for her to do so.

 

So - as far as you - maybe you could find out if he is still going with his new girfriend before you contact him. Just DO NOT expect things to go the way you want. It could be a rebound thing, but maybe it is too early yet to know.

 

I always thought that my ex had a rebound thing going on but it looks like it is more than that - she is getting married in the summer. Oh well, life goes on.

 

PM me if you want - I've been through it all, and I may have some good advice for you.

[Softmoonlight]

darling, he left you on christmas day after 12 years? I am so sorry to hear that.

 

But yeah, what would it hurt to contact him? If you know where he is, give him a call or email, asking how he is doing, etc. Don't jump into relationship questions and such, just talk and see how he is, and casually ask about his love life or lack thereof if you feel it is ok.

 

Good luck!

Shawna

[shockeddismayed]

I see so many people asking about it.. I see people who have accomplished it.. but the ex has to want to come back.. my ex left me this past Christmas day after 12 years together.. said he met someone at work, wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a fresh start.. 85 days later, I haven't heard from him.. I haven't contacted him either.. there's no plan that's gonna work for someone in my shoes.. he's gone and that's that.. am I right? I think so, and yet I still see these posts about how it CAN be done.. any advice for me?

 

Andie.... I really feel your pain.

 

My advice would be that you focus on getting healed first. There is no point in contacting him while you are still feeling broken up inside. And there is no point in contacting him when he might still be feeling confused, excited about the new girl... and most importantly not having had time alone to work on himself and realize what he has lost in you.

 

The longer the relationship, the longer it takes to get over someone. I can guarantee that he hasn't gotten over you yet.... he probably hasn't even realized that he needs to yet.

 

Give yourself some time... maybe a couple more months, then you could contact him for "old time's sake" and see how he responds.

[Andie]

Wow.. 2 days ago he came over my house and told my uncle he misses me and wants to be friends with me.. (I live with my uncle - I'm downstairs, he's upstairs).. what am I supposed to think of this? I did not see him.. my uncle called and said he was bringing the ex home with him to see the puppies, so I went down the block to a friend's house.. my mom was home (she lives here too) and mentioned that I was at my friend's house, so the ex knew I was only 2 houses away but I wasn't bothering to come home to see him.. I am going to keep NC going as I am on day 90.. if he misses me so much he can call me.. oh yeah, he's not seeing the girl he left me for at Christmas.. he's not seeing anyone and said he's comfortable being alone right now and working on getting his life together..

[wonderingwillow]

Hi Andie,

 

That's positive news. Hopefully he's doing this as a kind of way to see what's going on in your life. How old is he? Have you guys been together since High School. If so, he may just feel like he needs to see what else is out there just for his own sake. I have two different sets of friends that have been together since high school and have been with no other. It is human nature to be curious. And I think this happens to alot of people. But I can assure that when you have a 12 year history like you do there's no way he can just wipe you from the slate. Let him be himself and find out who he is as an individual. Was your relationship a good one together? Was there alot of disagreements? How is your physical attraction to one another? Were you fulfilling eachothers desires. Not needs but desires. Ya see we have to fulfill our own needs but I think is essential and very giving of oneself to complete the desires of your loved one. I hope things continue here, I know 12 years is alot to throw away. Be cautious in what you do and say so that you don't push him away further. Giving him time and space is a very loving unselfish thing to do, never the less hard but it's something he needs right now. Keep posting I would like to hear of the progress.

[Andie]

He wants to be just friends, nothing more.. my uncle said that and I don't know if those were the ex's exact words or not, but both my uncle and my uncle's girlfriend told me he wants to be friends and is not looking to be with anybody right now.. that f*cking stings like hell! I guess that's all I get.. God I love that a**hole so much..

[Andie]

What am I supposed to think of him wanting to be 'just friends, nothing more'? He isn't dating anyone, and doesn't want to.. and yet he was asking my uncle about me - how he heard about my trip to California, wanted to know how I was, wanted to know if I was working.. I mean here he was sitting in my home visiting my family for 2 hours.. they didn't talk about just me, they were catching up as he and my uncle were always very close.. but if he didn't care, why even ask about me? Help me please this is making me crazy!!

 

 

We were together from the time he was 19 and I was 23.. he's now 32 and I'm 35 (36 in May).. and he's never had another girlfriend or lover.. I was his first everything..

[h_b_k_02]

No friends, can't be done.

 

It really would hurt too much, and it would also be awkward, especially for you.

 

Just my 2 cents though.

[Peddlerof Bombast]

Andie:

Immediately start dating other people. Do not call but return calls. Do not argue over anything. Even if you have to take full blame and say you are sorry to kill it. Do not talk about the relationship or even getting back together. Do this and you will baffle him into a touchtone of reality and that is that you are a substantial person that others are attracted to. He will initiate more contact. He came over to just see your uncle and "announce" he wants to be just friends?

What a crock.

One person said above to take this time to work on you and heal. Very true indeed seek out some pros and good books on it. I like Grays books myself. Work on yourself in all variations. Take up sky-diving to break through the fears...take a handgun course...gym membership...etc...Be- come fascinating. Become elusive. Become happy and he will literally beg. I know thats tough but fake it till ya make it.

 

Theres so much you can do to change his perception of you that its actually over-whelming to me. Did I spell that right?

He does miss you. He will go through another girlfriend soon too but it wont last at all. But you...you have everything at your disposal and nothing depends on the other person.

[Andie]

I spoke to the ex's mom last week.. I had sent her flowers for her birthday and she called to thank me.. we were never really close but she was very sincere and thankful for the thought.. it was a surprise because I thought she'd be thrilled I was gone.. guess I was wrong.. I have this habit of putting myself down and thinking no one likes me (yes, terrible self esteem).. I did NOT bring up the ex but she did, saying it was a shame that we broke up, how we were together for so long.. I said I just want him to be happy because I love him that much and maybe one day we can be friends.. she said he really wants that.. so I am confused (again!) because who wants to stay friends with their ex unless they really care about them? And she didn't have my number so I know she had to have asked him for it.. I have heard this 'friends (JUST friends)' thing from 3 people now.. I have continued to keep NC and haven't heard from him either.. I'm a little past 15 weeks of NC btw.. I know I'm not ready to see him as I could not be just friends..

 

So anyone have any advice/input on what this means? I know I'm only hearing this second hand, but it's come from his mother and my uncle and uncle's girlfriend, 3 people he's very close with.. does anyone think he really wants to actively pursue a friendship?

[h_b_k_02]

Friends because he is looking for something better, that is how I have translated what my ex is doing.

 

I bursted on her Friday. Told her to stop calling, and to stop messaging and everything. I then proceeded to tell her that "If you were to come back to me, I don't want you back, I want the girl that I loved."

 

I walked away, and struck a cord. She was crying but didn't want me to see. But I saw. Now just play the waiting period, keep making yourself busy and when you do want to call him or whatnot, do something else or call another friend instead.

[lawandorder]

I have been through a little of this. or alot of this. Read books??? Time to heal??? so easy to say and not what one feels. I feel your pain.

Let me ask a few questions here. Do you want to be with someone that is down in the dumps all the time??? Do you want to go to a pitty party?? Y no you dont.

 

Time to heal is so open. Look at it this way. Get involved in a gym or nothing else get you some dumb bells. Start working out and running or walking. Get on a diet. Get yourself in the best shape of your life. Get your career on top of the world. Get your body and your looks second to none. Work on yourself. Now this wont just get things off your mind but will get you to have great pride. Just do it.

 

Next: I agree with some posts on dating. Go out with others. The company of going out will ease alot of pain. Have fun doing it. At first you will think of the ex but that will go away fast.

 

Now when the ex see's you looking better and doing better and dating. Man oh man. Get a stick ready.

 

Now one thing i found out during all this. I fell in love with someone else and my wife wanted to come home and I let her. I am now fixing to finish the divorce with her and go to the one I love. But 2 weeks of eating right and working out and sleeping good at night helped me alot and then dating on top of that. I had my life back. Just try it.

[Andie]

Today he calls my uncle's house and says he'll be over in a half hour.. my uncle wasn't even home, the ex said this to uncle's girlfriend on the phone.. so my uncle's home now and I left before the ex got there.. I can't see him, I'm not ready! I'm sure my uncle's girlfriend will tell me if he says anything about me.. oh man I don't know what to think of this! He KNOWS I f*cking LIVE there! He knows he hurt me, and on the one hand I'm like "Why the f*ck is he doing this to me? Hurting me like this? Just because it's over for him he thinks he can just call and pop by?" Then I think "Well, at least I have some kind of contact with him." Either way I'm so hurt.. he could just as easily meet my uncle at the damn BAR!! Help me God please..

[Andie]

Ok, a week later and he's coming over again.. calls my uncle at 8:00 this morning because he HAS to speak to him tonight, something really important.. ugh, if he wants to be apart, stay away from my home! Jesus this is hard..