Hit rock bottom and lost all self esteem

[Sarahjb]

My ex broke up with me because he didn't feel the same anymore there was no issue or fight or anything he just didn't feel the same about me. I took it bad I understand break ups are hard on everyone but I find that after every relationship I ever had I go into depression for months. I think it might be because I haven't got much friends and maybe depend on them more than I should.

 

My ex leaded me on after the break up and kept in contact acting like he still cared about me and would talk to me all the time saying he didn't wanna lose me. I ended up sleeping with him twice after the break up. The second time it was because he had made me believe we were going to work things out. I know it was stupid of me trust me I know but somtimes I feel like I just lose all control. Like he's a drug and I know he's damaging for me but I can't stop myself and destroy myself even more everytime.

 

After that I tried no contact it didn't help me at all in fact each day I would just feel worst and worst. I eventually broke it. I told him that if he wanted to meet up for sex again I would be okay with that. I realise how bad that sounds as I type it but I just got to the point of losing all self respect and I would've done anything just to be in his company.

 

 

He agreed to it obviously and told me how he couldn't wait. But we never actually arranged to meet up until 3 weeks after I mentioned it but we would be sexting everyday. On the day I was supposed to meet him I was so happy as sad as that sounds and I couldn't wait to see him. He text me on the day saying he didn't think it was a good idea because he start seeing someone but it wasn't serious yet. It was my worst fear coming true. It was so gut wrenching I didn't know how to deal with the pain. The worst thing was I couldn't blame him this time how could he respect me when I can't respect myself. I basically said here I am you can use and abuse me all you like. I asked him why he would agree to meet up when he's seeing someone he said because he's so physically attracted to me that he can't help it. Saying that I'm the hottest girl he has ever slept with and probably ever will sleep with but he just wasn't attracted to me as a person anymore.

 

 

I'll admit on the outside I'm very attractive but I don't feel it at all on the inside. I've no problem attracting men because of my looks but feel like once they get to know me they won't want anything to do with me. I feel like they all just want to use me and that's it. I've always been the one to be dumped. But my ex treated me better than anyone ever did he adored me and put me on a pedalstal and did everything for me. So I ask myself how did I turn this caring sweet nice guy into a Jerk? I must be the problem and it makes me lose faith in everyone.

 

 

When my ex told me about the new girl on the phone I start crying and saying how low I felt and he told me that he felt like a crap for making me feel that way. He said come to my place anyway not for sex I just wanna talk to you and cheer you up I don't want you at home crying because of me. Then 20 minutes later saying I better not because if I'm there he would just want to f***k me all night and he can't help himself around me.

 

Ever since he told me he was seeing someone I feel so anxious my mind is racing I can't concentrate on anything. I obsessively think about him and the new girl and wonder what she has and why I'm so unlovable and everyone just wants to use me. I just wanna put it out there that I was raped before so I have this fear of just being used and people seeing me as some kind of object and I've started to convince myself all I must be good for is sex. I don't know how to handle these emotions I feel so hopeless

[Sarahjb]

I know this whole thing is my fault for having no respect for myself and I'm just so angry at myself and ashamed and humiliated and I've nobody to blame but myself

[Rising100]

Nah, its not your fault, you may feel it is but I know because I did the same thing, fell for the same exact thing.

She only wanted sex from me and I allowed it. Eventually I decided to end all contact with her because I didnt just want sex, I wanted a relationship and that was something I couldnt have with her anymore.

Sex alone didnt satisfy me, love was gone since she betrayed me. So no, No reason for me to stay anymore.

 

I hope you can leave and cut contact with him so you can heal, you need to heal inside.

[Sarahjb]

I just don't know how I can stop all this anxiety and feeling of despair. It's not normal for me to be taking it this bad I can't function at this ppint or go to work. I'm afraid to leave the house because somtimes I cry uncontrollable in public and I can't stop myself

[Rising100]

I just don't know how I can stop all this anxiety and feeling of despair. It's not normal for me to be taking it this bad I can't function at this ppint or go to work. I'm afraid to leave the house because somtimes I cry uncontrollable in public and I can't stop myself

First cut off the problem, him.

Then suffer, yea, you gonna go through it and make sure you dont avoid the pain at all.

Time will help but as of now, its all gonna be pain.

Reading other posts here might help, remember you are not alone in this, we have gone through it too and I am still here.

[Sarahjb]

I get that and you're right but this is not the first time thus has happend it happened with my last bf to and it feels like history repeating itself. That relationship took me nearly 2 years to get over. It just seems like they always find someone better and I was never enough. They all loved me at the start but I always did somthing to drive them away and I don't know what that is. I just feel so worthless

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know how to handle these emotions I feel so hopeless

I just don't know how I can stop all this anxiety and feeling of despair. It's not normal for me to be taking it this bad I can't function at this ppint or go to work. I'm afraid to leave the house because somtimes I cry uncontrollable in public and I can't stop myself

 

I think you'd do well in therapy to help you to come to terms with the rape and to guide you with building up your self-esteem so that you can keep yourself away from men who love your body but don't want a relationship with you. You have zero confidence, not even your good looks help you to protect yourself from this happening to you.

 

If your anxiety is severe then I suggest you see your family doctor who can give you a mild anti-anxiety med that will keep you functioning and then ask him to refer you to a good psychologist that can get you realizing that you have worth, that your personal boundaries in place will protect you and will help you to meet new female friends that will keep you satisfied in companionship so you don't settle for the first d-bag that comes along.

 

I'm glad that your ex turned you down for that booty call setup... doing that with someone you love will devastate you and screw with your self-worth, self-respect and confidence even more then the low it's already at.. a good therapist will help you see to it.

 

You deserve better then being a sex object... learn to know that and to believe that you are the prize.

[Sarahjb]

I know I'm just so ashamed at how weak I have made myself look and I just find it so hard to trust people now because he wasn't always a Jerk. When I was with him he was one of the most kind loving caring people I ever met. That's why I feel like I'm the problem because it happend with an ex before where he left me for another girl I was devastated and this just feels like history repeating itself I feel like I must be the problem and I do somthing to turn them off me.

[Sarahjb]

I'm starting therapy on Wednesday. I've never been before and don't know what to expect but I feel like I won't be able to open up because my anxiety issues make it hard for me to talk about things especially with strangers

[ThatwasThen]

I'm starting therapy on Wednesday. I've never been before and don't know what to expect but I feel like I won't be able to open up because my anxiety issues make it hard for me to talk about things especially with strangers and I just don't know what to expect

Tell your therapist exactly that. He/She will know what to do. Awesome news for you. You deserve being good to yourself like you are by starting your therapy.