How long until marriage?

[ShinyFairyLights]

So, here's just a random off the wall question that I just wanted to see some opinions on

 

How long do you think it is appropriate for a couple to date before they should consider marriage?

 

Me, personally, it all really depends on the couple. Most of the time I would say wait at least (the VERY least) two years dating, maybe living together some of that time, before considering it....but other couples date maybe half a year, end up getting married, and last.

 

I dunno, just contemplating my own relationship, and how I'd like to marry my boyfriend, but then again I'm a tad worried it's too soon...don't wanna mess anything up.

 

So come on, lets see what you think

[MetallicAguy]

However long you think it takes. It really depends on how long your with them and around them to see their good and bad qualities. And then you decide. It takes people some time. It's just like how long people take on exams in High School, some people take little time to figure it out, some people take a while.

[annie24]

Well - when the time is right, it's right. My parents knew each other for 6 weeks. But, he was 48 and she was 36. I guess when you know what you are looking for and you find it....

 

I think, in general, if you've been dating a person for a year or 2, you have a right to ask, "so, where is this relationship going? Is it heading towards marriage?" If the couple is young, as in under 25, I would say 2 years. And if one person says "no - I don't forsee us getting married." then, call it quits (if what you want is marriage). Don't try to change the person's opinion.

[OceanEyes]

Each relationship, and person, is completely different. I've known couples to be together for 10 years before getting married, and also ones who've gotten engaged after 6 months. So again, it depends on the people and the characteristics of the relationship.

 

I've heard a lot about this book called "He's Not That Into You" (or something like that), in which states that if a man won't agree to marry you, that he's simply not 'into you' enough. Although this may be true in some cases, I don't believe that everything can be summed up this way, or in such black and white terms. Simply put, there are too many factors to take into consideration to just say, "if a man doesn't buy you a ring, he doesn't love you". Well, that doesn't suit modern dynamics or REAL life.

 

When it all comes down to it, I think that marriage is something that should only be considered when both people are ready and willing. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, we've lived together for almost six months, but we're not ready for that level of commitment just yet. And, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me enough. It just means that there are too many outside factors that are against us. It's too soon, basically, for both of us.

 

I think these days, the expectation of marriage is somewhat over-rated. I've seen several girlfriends of mine push for engagement rings (or just had their boyfriend purpose), and not one relationship is doing well. Many people get engaged and married because they feel they are supposed to, because it's "normal". Yet, the ratio of happy marriages to unhappy marriages is about 2:5 that I know of.

[ShinyFairyLights]

Oh I definitely agree. I would never pressure someone to put a ring on my finger, or commit unless they brought it up without any sort of pressure from me. That would never be the kind of relationship I'd want.

 

You brought up a good point though, a lot of girls actually do that sort of thing. I personally have a friend who dated her boyfriend for about a year and a half and basically forced him to move in with her, and forced him to get engaged, even though he was wanting to wait a bit. Watching how they act together, and interact with eachother's families (Because I see family a big reason of marriage consideration...but not the be all end all) They just don't seem to suit...and you can definatelly tell he'll be unhappy forever, or divorce her.

 

I really don't understand how you could force someone you loved into something they'd rather wait on. No matter how ready you are, if you can't wait on that person to feel ready themselves then what's the point? You'll just question yourself and the relationship later on.

 

Such is the way with things...

 

BTW that book 'He's just not that into you" is actually a good read. It makes a LOT of valid points. A lot. Fun read too

[OceanEyes]

BTW that book 'He's just not that into you" is actually a good read. It makes a LOT of valid points. A lot. Fun read too

 

Oh, I agree that it's a fun read (having read bits and pieces at Chapters, lol). Lately I see soooo many relationship/ love/ self-help books come out, and they all have different perspectives of what's up. It's interesting, and thought-provoking, but like I said, not everything is so black and white. The good thing, is that everything is subject to personal interpretation, and should never be taken as 'religion'.

 

I really don't understand how you could force someone you loved into something they'd rather wait on. No matter how ready you are, if you can't wait on that person to feel ready themselves then what's the point? You'll just question yourself and the relationship later on.

 

When it comes to marriage, I completely agree with you about not forcing anyone into anything. Marriage is too permanent, too serious with too many responsibilities to actually force someone, or to emotionally blackmail into (for example, threatening to leave or something along those lines).

 

Then again, if I had been with my boyfriend for several years, and he was still dodging the issue of marriage, I would probably start to wonder whether or not he wanted to at all. I would definitely ask about it, but don't see how I could ever actually pressure someone into marrying me.

[annie24]

Ocean Eyes - As for the book, "He's just not that into you," it does talk about the subject of marriage more that just black and white. It says that some people just aren't for the concept of marriage. Actually, as far as the chapters in the book go, I think it's the least black and white chapter.

 

He brings up the point, that if two people love each other, they'll try to find a compromise that works for both of them. They bring up the examples of couples in which the girl wanted to get married, but the guy, having been divorced, did not want to get married again - he just wanted to love his gf. The gf said, ok - that's fine. And they continued. However, he decided to marry her a year later because he came to learn how important marriage was to her.

 

So, I think it's just saying - you have to figure out if the person doesn't want to get married because they're against the idea, or if they just don't want to marry you.

[OceanEyes]

Okay, I see what you're saying Annie. I didn't get too deep into the book, but what I did read seemed somewhat black and white. Perhaps I should have another look at some point! It makes sense to compromise, as well as being realistic. I guess I just read some of the 'point form' things, in which stated things too simply. For exmple:

 

- "If he doesn't call on time, he's not that into you."

 

- "If he doesn't pick up your dry cleaning, he's not that into you." (lol)

 

Well, you know what I mean.

[PAdreamer]

I also believe it depends on the couple. My aunt and uncle met on Valentines Day and were married three months later, and are still together 30 some-odd years later. My fiance and I were together just under a year when he proposed... It just depends.

[DN]

coincidence time Annie. My parents also only knew each other 6 weeks before they got married. 6 weeks after the wedding they were separated for 3 1/2 years because it was 1942 and he was in the army and sent abroad to fight.

[Blue Skittles]

Yeah - again it definitely depends on the couple, and the situation. I think people should wait a good year or two at least... but anywhere after 5 years is kinda long.. I dunno --- I've seen really religious couples get married after 6 months knowing each other, which is kinda crazy, but the marriage lasts... Then again I've seen couples get together, live together a few years and don't get married until 7 years into their relationships and still have a good marriage... so it really all depends i guess, whenever it feels right..

[dsmchic0806]

i think it really depends on the couple.. i think i should be judged on how well you knwo each other , how long youve been dateing and or known each other and it deffinitly depends on funds.....ive been with my bf for 2yrs and i waited to date him for 2yrs.. we would soo love to get married but we dont really have the funds at the moment ... so it really depends on u 2 and ur surroundings and or what feels right

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Ya I think atleast 2 years. I know some couples who married after knowing each other for just 5 months, but I would not recommend that. It takes time to really get to know each other....remember that marriage is a LIFETIME commitment....you are in it until one of you dies....so take the time to get to know the person well before you marry them.....

[greenowl88]

I personally think that about 2 years sounds right, and no shorter than a year, but then again, I have a sister that got married only 2 months after meeting her husband. He proposed a month after they met, they were engaged for a month, and then got married. They've been married for 6 years now, and are happy!! Crazy huh??

 

As for the person who posted the question, I know how you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1 year and 4 months, and we've been living togther for almost 8 months, and although he talks like we'll be together for a long time, he never talks about marriage.

 

All I know is, I'd like to get married, or even be engaged for a while and then get married.

 

I also think that it's a great idea to live with eachother first. I know that's against the religious folks out there, but how do you truly know that you love someone if you have never even lived with them, and seen them for who they REALLY are "living together" wise.

[DN]

As for the person who posted the question, I know how you feel. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1 year and 4 months, and we've been living togther for almost 8 months, and although he talks like we'll be together for a long time, he never talks about marriage.

 

All I know is, I'd like to get married, or even be engaged for a while and then get married.

 

Why don't you propose to him?

[greenowl88]

I guess because he never talks about it means to me that he isn't ready for it.

 

It's such a huge step for some people, and I wouldn't want to mess things up.

 

Sometimes I hint around about it, and he just doesn't seem to respond.

 

I'd like him to propose to me, but I might have to wait a long time for that to happen!!

[DN]

maybe it's time for a non-threatening but serious "where are we headed" talk.

[greenowl88]

Thank you DN!!! I appreciate you taking the time to read my post!!

[dsmchic0806]

i agree with green.... i live with my bf and have been for a little less then 2 yrs...sounds weird i knwo bc i said that ive been with him for 2yrs but ive known him for almost 5 .... living with some one even if its for a trial thing is a good thing bc how are u sposed to know how they are and what to expect. but in a way im stuck half way in with they old days and wi;th the new days... bc i still believe that the guy shoud ask the girl for his hand in marriage... but idk.. evey one has their own views and opinons on everything.. but i GREEN id be like.. "this girl i know (so and so) wants to talk about gettin engaged with her bg but doesnt know how to approce it. they have been together for 2 yrs. do you think its to early and she shouldnt say anything or what do u thing she should do?" i mena give him my name or one of your friends name.. and well see what he says "tell him she doesnt really hae any guy friends so what do u think i sould tell her" i mea if you need a secret person ill be that... lol.. just trying to help......

good luck hun... who knows maybe hes scared of you not being ready... my name is monica if you need anything

[greenowl88]

I'm not sure if you were talking to me or the original poster, but if you were talking to me, I REALLY appreciate it!!! Thank you so much for being so kind, and great advice also!!!

[annie24]

I don't know.... I guess I'm old-fashioned - I would never propose to a man. However, a "where is this relationship headed" talk, if you have been together for 1-2 years is completely appropriate, I feel. Don't do it on a major holiday, don't do it during a game he's watching on TV or whatever. Just find a quite time for you to talk. Good luck!

[lmcba005]

The question is, how long whould you wait for them... If you love them that much, should you wait until they're ready, no matter how long it takes? Or at some point should you say that if they can't move ahead, it's over... and where is that point? I'e been with my bf more than three years, and I've known I wanted to marry him for two... when is it time to put my needs first?

[DN]

Why do you have toi wait for him to propose? Ask him. He may be comfortable with the situation as it is but the prospect of losing you may make him realise what you want and be happy to oblige.

 

I know it is still a 'new idea' for a woman to ask but there is no reason in this modern age for women to be so passive. Old fashioned is all very well, but how old fashioned do you want to be? would you be old fashioned enough to return to not having the vote, or having no property rights, no university education? All these rights were considered outlandish at one time - but things change, and rightfully so.

 

Equality means that you have responsibilities as well as rights, and part of that responsibility should be that you can be active instead of passve and risk rejection.

[annie24]

The question is, how long whould you wait for them... If you love them that much, should you wait until they're ready, no matter how long it takes? Or at some point should you say that if they can't move ahead, it's over... and where is that point? I'e been with my bf more than three years, and I've known I wanted to marry him for two... when is it time to put my needs first?

 

3 years? Uh... yeah girl, it's time for the talk. See... here's the thing you have to remember - us women are the ones with the biological clocks!!! So, I think "waiting for him to be ready" seems a little silly to me. You are the one with something to lose by waiting. If you want to have children, it's medically better to do it sooner, rather than later. (now, it might not be financially better, or emotionally, but I think if you want kids, better when you are young and full of energy. Plus, women who give birth older have a harder time getting pregnant and their kids have an increased risk of birth defects.)

 

I know it's a hard situation - you've invested so much time. However, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. If that's what you want for your life, that is a fine goal. And if the person you are with is holding you back from that.... well... perhaps it's time to move on.

 

If you haven't read the chapter in "He's just not into you" on marriage, you should. The book says if a guy keeps dragging his heels like this, it may be that he's just not that into you. I think 3 years is a fair amount of time to decide if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, I think others just need a "kick in the pants." If they see that they may lose you, they may finally realize what they have...

 

So - yeah... time for the talk. I really hope things work out well for you! Good luck!

[annie24]

Why do you have toi wait for him to propose? Ask him. He may be comfortable with the situation as it is but the prospect of losing you may make him realise what you want and be happy to oblige.

 

I know it is still a 'new idea' for a woman to ask but there is no reason in this modern age for women to be so passive. Old fashioned is all very well, but how old fashioned do you want to be? would you be old fashioned enough to return to not having the vote, or having no property rights, no university education? All these rights were considered outlandish at one time - but things change, and rightfully so.

 

Equality means that you have responsibilities as well as rights, and part of that responsibility should be that you can be active instead of passve and risk rejection.

 

HA HA DN! Seriously, I will NEVER get down on my knee with a ring and ask a man to marry me. But... the conversation... I could see myself saying, "You know... we've been together for a while... I love you a lot... I think I would be really happy if we were to spend the rest of our lives together... I'd like to know if you feel that way too..."