Confused and frustrated

[Wiseman2]

It odd that you are obsessing and focusing on this jealousy/exclusivity thing when the glaring red flag is that you have never met, no less dated, no less formed a relationship, no less are exclusive. Are you on the rebound from a cheater? Were you recently cheated on?

I have s bad feeling about that girl as well and im saying I can't shake the feeling he's talking with someone else. Of course he's denying it.

[Maddyb12]

It odd that you are obsessing and focusing on this jealousy/exclusivity thing when the glaring red flag is that you have never met, no less dated, no less formed a relationship, no less are exclusive. Are you on the rebound from a cheater? Were you recently cheated on?

 

Yes. The last guy I dated was seeing someone else the whole time and I didn't know. I wouldn't say I'm on the rebound because I feel nothing for that man but it has made me leery and insecure. I am more upset and concerned with the fact he has blown off seeing me.

[katrina1980]

Yes. The last guy I dated was seeing someone else the whole time and I didn't know. I wouldn't say I'm on the rebound because I feel nothing for that man but it has made me leery and insecure. I am more upset and concerned with the fact he has blown off seeing me.

 

Was he long distance too? The 2000 miles away guy?

[Maddyb12]

Was he long distance too? The 2000 miles away guy?

 

No we live in the same city, spent plenty of time together and wasn't someone from online.

[Maddyb12]

And my long distance relationship (2,000 miles) wasn't someone I met online it was an ex boyfriend whom I reconnected with after moving states.

[tigerkitty]

I did something similar to this with the guy I'm seeing now, we met on a dating site and he kept trying to arrange a date to meet once we'd spoken for a few weeks and I kept making excuses and avoiding it. It went on for months but it was only because I was extremely anxious and have low self esteem so I was worried he would be disappointed and it'd be awkward (I didn't tell him that was why though). Not saying this is why he's doing this, but I've been there and it's not always because they're a catfish or married or seeing someone else.

 

In the end if he won't meet you or tell you the real reason why then all you really can do is try to move on. Just don't leave it as a "you know where I am if you change your mind" kind of deal cause that's just telling him he can have you whenever he wants you. Tell him you deserve better and you're going to find someone who will actually meet up with you and take you on a date like you deserve. Good luck!

[Maddyb12]

Maddy ... and he will keep fighting you on it because he doesn't want to lose the on line connection you've developed. Not until HE is ready to end it.

 

But your gut is correct, when a man wants to meet you and develop something REAL with you, he will move mountains, and would never let something like a 1.5 drive stand in his way.

 

Hell you could meet halfway - that's 45 minutes, that is NOTHING. It's been four months!

 

Also think about it logically. Sure he has a lot going on but he has time to email and chat with you doesn't he?

 

And is he busy every single Saturday night for heaven's sake? The man is BSing you.

 

Stop emailing and chatting with him. Tell him this is no longer working for you and you are moving on.

 

Wish him well and call it a day. Then block!

 

For your own emotional well being otherwise you will remain stuck in this drama for god only knows how long.

 

Take care of you!!

 

I actually work weekend nights as a closing manager for a restaurant so I don't get off work until 1am Friday Saturday and Sunday and work my other job during the day. So to be fair my schedule is equally as crazy well probablt more than his but I still feel there's time during the week at night where we could spend time together

[reinventmyself]

Yes. The last guy I dated was seeing someone else the whole time and I didn't know. I wouldn't say I'm on the rebound because I feel nothing for that man but it has made me leery and insecure. I am more upset and concerned with the fact he has blown off seeing me.

I see a little bit of a pattern here.

It's possible you find some comfort in his unavailability. There is not as much risk of getting hurt or hurt as much as a RL boyfriend.

If you were truly ready and in the market for a partner, I wonder how attracted you would be to this unavailable one.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that, that may explain how you are feeling. Ok well, you should be chatting with and meeting others in the meantime. Try not to let past hurts bleed into new dating situations/relationships.

 

That will take your mind off this particular guy and hearing less from you may help him prioritize and step up. If not, no harm no foul because by then you will have matches and meets lined up to look forward to.

The last guy I dated was seeing someone else the whole time and I didn't know. I wouldn't say I'm on the rebound because I feel nothing for that man but it has made me leery and insecure. I am more upset and concerned with the fact he has blown off seeing me.

[katrina1980]

I see a little bit of a pattern here.

It's possible you find some comfort in his unavailability. There is not as much risk of getting hurt or hurt as much as a RL boyfriend.

If you were truly ready and in the market for a partner, I wonder how attracted you would be to this unavailable one.

 

That is a good point! Someone who was looking for a REAL LIFE partner would never tolerate this situation for four months.

 

Often times, the person is not even aware of their own unavailability until someone like reinvent points it out to them.

 

I can only speak for myself but I would never tolerate it. If he were only 1.5 hours away, I would be suggesting very early on (within the first couple of weeks) that we meet and if he made excuses like he was "too busy" that is my cue to walk away.

 

If we were longer distance like a different state/country, as long as we were at least talking about when we meet and making plans toward that goal, I would be okay with waiting longer of course.

 

But if I got the same sorry excuse that he's too busy or any other excuse that didn't make sense, then I would walk away or lower my expectations and date other guys.

 

And keep him as on line friendship if I found it interesting and fun and getting something out of the interaction/connection.

 

But I would not have any expectations and would be keeping my options OPEN and date other guys who were available for a real life RL.

 

Just me, but I really do think people who are truly looking for available partners to develop a real life RL with would do the same.

[Maddyb12]

That is a good point! Someone who was looking for a REAL LIFE partner would never tolerate this situation for four months.

 

Often times, the person is not even aware of their own unavailability until someone like reinvent points it out to them.

 

I can only speak for myself but I would never tolerate it. If he were only 1.5 hours away, I would be suggesting very early on (within the first couple of weeks) that we meet and if he made excuses like he was "too busy" that is my cue to walk away.

 

If we were longer distance like a different state/country, as long as we were at least talking about when we meet and making plans toward that goal, I would be okay with waiting longer of course.

 

But if I got the same sorry excuse that he's too busy or any other excuse that didn't make sense, then I would walk away or lower my expectations and date other guys.

 

And keep him as on line friendship if I found it interesting and fun and getting something out of the interaction/connection.

 

But I would not have any expectations and would be keeping my options OPEN and date other guys who were available for a real life RL.

 

Just me, but I really do think people who are truly looking for available partners to develop a real life RL with would do the same.

 

For the first month and a half we were talking I was still seeing someone else (casually) but stopped that for reasons unrelated to this guy so at first I wasn't planning this to be some sort of committed cyber relationship. I am at fault at the beginning for putting off meeting when he was actively trying but ever since July or so I have been actively trying to set a time and bring it up. Before this he had claimed "I wasn't making time for him" once he said that I tried harder but received no help on his end. I have not ruled out people who are actively in my life for this guy I have yet to meet but we talk consistently. I am no angel so I have no right to place claim over him and not allow him to talk to others because I haven't done that until recently. At first I did find comfort in having someone to communicate with on the phone or texting or facetiming without the stress and fears of a in real life relationship but now it's become frustrating because I am not afraid to meet anymore.

[lostlove76]

For the first month and a half we were talking I was still seeing someone else (casually) but stopped that for reasons unrelated to this guy so at first I wasn't planning this to be some sort of committed cyber relationship. I am at fault at the beginning for putting off meeting when he was actively trying but ever since July or so I have been actively trying to set a time and bring it up. Before this he had claimed "I wasn't making time for him" once he said that I tried harder but received no help on his end. I have not ruled out people who are actively in my life for this guy I have yet to meet but we talk consistently. I am no angel so I have no right to place claim over him and not allow him to talk to others because I haven't done that until recently. At first I did find comfort in having someone to communicate with on the phone or texting or facetiming without the stress and fears of a in real life relationship but now it's become frustrating because I am not afraid to meet anymore.

 

So the tables have turned....! I don't guess you can really expect much else than you're getting, since you did it to him in the beginning. And you were seeing someone else, as well, at the time. So you can't really get upset if he's now talking to others.

 

I would let this one go. Nothing good can come from this at this point.

 

ETA: But it's not all his fault. You were doing the exact same thing to him. You can't expect someone to wait around and then still be ready for something just because you yourself suddenly become ready. That's a bit selfish. I'm not trying to be rude, sorry, just kind of pointing out the obvious here.

[Maddyb12]

So the tables have turned....! I don't guess you can really expect much else than you're getting, since you did it to him in the beginning. And you were seeing someone else, as well, at the time. So you can't really get upset if he's now talking to others.

 

I would let this one go. Nothing good can come from this at this point.

 

ETA: But it's not all his fault. You were doing the exact same thing to him. You can't expect someone to wait around and then still be ready for something just because you yourself suddenly become ready. That's a bit selfish. I'm not trying to be rude, sorry, just kind of pointing out the obvious here.

 

I wasn't blowing him off I work 5 late nights a week and my other job during the days and into the night some times. I was seeing someone casually who was more a friends with benefits that wasn't my reason for not hanging out with the current guy. He would try to get together on the weekends which I always work. I was ready from the start but my schedule wasn't matching up well with his. At the point where I was sleeping with someone else we hadn't even talked about anything exclusively or that we weren't looking elsewhere. That is a more recent thing. So I don't really think it's the same. He tells me always im the only person he's talking to so that would be a lie if he is talkin and entertaining other girls. I did not ever lie.

[katrina1980]

So he was ready and available to meet you months ago, but you weren't for various reasons.

 

And now he's too busy, feels insecure cuz he's balding, thinks you're better than him and he can't afford it?

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

I think your suspicions are correct as to why he is pulling back and making excuses not to meet.

 

He has started chatting with another girl who has, at least for the moment, captured his attention.

 

Sometimes you just gotta strike when that iron is hot.

 

Apparently he was very interested in you at first and pushing to meet.

 

Ideally you would have felt the same and then met, and either clicked in person or not.

 

But you weren't ready for various reasons and now the whole thing seems to be heading toward never-never land.

 

This one just wasn't meant to be Maddy..... I'm sorry.

[Maddyb12]

So he was ready and available to meet you months ago, but you weren't for various reasons.

 

And now he's too busy, feels insecure cuz he's balding, thinks you're better than him and he can't afford it?

 

Something isn't jiving.

 

I think your suspicions are correct as to why he is pulling back and making excuses not to meet.

 

He has started chatting with another girl who has, at least for the moment, captured his attention.

 

Sometimes you just gotta strike when that iron is hot.

 

Apparently he was very interested in you at first and pushing to meet.

 

Ideally you would have felt the same and then met, and either clicked in person or not.

 

But you weren't ready for various reasons and now the whole thing seems to be heading toward never-never land.

 

This one just wasn't meant to be Maddy..... I'm sorry.

 

Yes when we first started talking he was available he hasn't gotten the full time job or the varsity coaching position at that time my schedule was the one causing conflicts in days. I was selfish at the time and when I did have a random free day I spent it with my friends. I work 7 days a week, Wednesday Friday Saturday and Sunday until past 11pm closer to 12/1. On Tuesdays Monday's and Thursday's I'm off at 7 pm so realistically those are the only days I have free time. He works school hours plus some 7:30-3/4 and coaches on various days and nights and has tournaments with his teams on weekends. This is not a lie. But I have said if we communicate about availability we could make something happen. Yes it's complicated but like said earlier we are adults and can make time for things that matter to us. He has only been in one relationship as an adult and it burned out fast he said becusse she left him for his ex and subsequently became engaged. I on the other hand have had many relationships and experience. I'm not sure if my suspicions of the girl are correct she may be interested in him but not vice versa but I made it clear if he wants to keep talking then we need to put equal effort into getting together. I don't believe much of what he's saying about how he's willing to try and regardless I don't necessarily want to force someone to want to hang out with me... I am pulling back.

[greta96]

The thing is, we'll never know if the guy was indeed intending to meet OP in person, we know he was saying so, but had she said "ok", would he have gone through with the date? Based on his actions now, I'd say he would have found a reason to cancel.

The fact that 4 months in he is still trying to avoid meeting her in person is extremely fishy, nobody is that busy not to be able to drive 45 minutes for a one-hour coffee. It's just impossible.

 

And if there is this much trouble and drama for ONE DATE, how would a relationship be possible?

 

I think the OP is just wasting her time, and she should just block him and give herself the chance to meet someone who wants something in person - be it a relationship, casual sex, whatever, as long as there is some real interaction going on.