Heartbroken after being used as a rebound.

[Alex4444]

Hello everyone.

I'm 20 and I'm a bisexual. I've been in love with girls a few times but it never worked and it also faded quickly too. This year I had my first serious relationship. It was with a guy, he is 27 now. We met online and then arranged a meeting a week later. All I wanted was to see if I could really like a guy enough to be with one in the future. His purpose was to meet somebody new and see if anybody new would like him. (I didn't know it then but he was in a relationship with another guy for 5 years, it's been bad, they were fighting a lot, the other guy cheated on my ex and they eventually started to hate each other; the other guy was actually inviting other guys to the flat my ex was paying for and using his computer to go on sex cam sites) My ex told me about that situation after a few meetings as we were beginning to fall in love with each other and he told me he really wanted to break up with the other guy but he was too scared of the troubles he might cause him and asked me to wait approx 3 months as the breakup would be less hurtful then. I agreed because I really cared about him but after a few days he told me they already broke up because he couldn't stand the situation anymore and wanted to be with me.

 

It's been great between us. We have same interests, same hobbys, we spent all days together and I eventually moved in to his flat. I also told my parents and friends I'm so as I didn't want to lie to them. I was extremely in love with him, I still am. We made plans for the future, supported each other, it's been just perfect between us. We never argued, always had a good time, missed each other when we were apart. We went to the seaside for holidays and after we went back he confessed that he started to miss his ex. We had a serious conversation and he asked me for support as he told me he wanted to forget about him. He also confessed that they've stayed in contact since the breakup and met once, but he told me he started to miss him just recently. I thought it was just a bad moment and that'll pass.

 

I went home for the weekend as I usually did and he texted me it was over. He said he couldn't stand knowing how much I loved him and thinking about another guy while being with me. He said he wanted to give his ex another chance and that it hurt him a lot to hear that his ex is having sex with strangers that are using him for fum. (He was meeting a lot of guys that were taking him to concerts, stayed at hotels with them etc. What a wonderful thing to do after a breakup, I know. His ex must have really been heartbroken, ugh...) After half a year of living together he packed all my stuff in 15 mins and gave it back to me. I talked him into trying to be alone for some time to think about what he wants but the other guy came to him the next day and now they're together again but on "new rules", which means an open relationship. My ex in not that type of a person, he's never had casual sex with strangers and he admitted its just so that the other guy wouldn't have to cheat on him.

 

He's always been telling me how much he loves me, how much better I am compared to his ex, more handsome, more honest, with a better heart etc. He thanked me for setting him free from that relationship. He told me he still doesn't believe I wanted him and that he'll never meet anyone better than me. He wants us to be close friends as he says he'll love me forever from now on but he loves the other guy way too much to give up on him.

 

I'm truly heartbroken. I've been crying for full three days, I've lost 6kgs in two weeks, I couldn't sleep etc. I can't believe this happened to me. I still love him with all my heart and I see my chance for happiness in him. I just don't believe I will ever meet anyone better, despite for what he's done. Now I'm starting to feel angry and hate him for what he did but I would still love to be together again. I'm sure that after their second "honeymoon" perioid the situation in their relationship will be as bad as it was before me.

 

Two weeks ago I told him not to contact me. He wrote me a message a week later that he still thinks about me and he "wanted me to know that". I plan to meet him in two weeks after a full month has passed since we broke up to see if he's been missing me and I'm hoping that he'll see what he's lost. Everybody's been telling me that I should forget about him but I don't want to. I know we could be happy together if he just tried to forget about that other guy, but he didn't even try. He dumped me as soon as he startes to think about his ex.

 

I think he's doing this all way too fast. He's jumping from one relationship to another like he's scared of being alone. It's no surprise he's confused as he didn't have any time to heal after ending a 5 year long relationship and move on. He said he really believed in us but he loves his ex too much. Right now it's not that bad as it was right after we broke up, but the feeling of my ex being with someone else, them hugging and doing things we used to do is killing me. I also change my mind about him every few days. One time I feel okay on my own, confident and sure I'll find someone but then I wake up and I instantly miss waking up next to him with him kissing me in the morning etc. It's really hard to get go and I don't think I want to do that.

 

I would love to hear what do you think about this situation and hear some advice on what to do too.

I want to know if there's a chance of us getting back together and if so how should I act and what to tell to him when we meet to make it happen.

[1a1a]

*Jedi huuugs*

 

You had a mostly really good relationship with someone and shared this life for a short while. And then he made a choice to not share his with you anymore. And that's ok (even though heart break is awful awful Awful). I just want to jump up and down and underline in bold and italics, he may have been "a" chance for happiness. But he certainly is not your "only" chance for happiness, and he definitely is no longer your chance for happiness (since his feelings have changed).

 

Cry, pick yourself up, do something really nice for yourself, call a close friend or family member (or both), remember who you were before you met him and move towards being complete alone again (I know I know, easy to say, hard to do). Even if you two are fated to cross paths again, there's nothing to be gained standing still and pining for him right now.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry you're hurting however I must say: Please take this time to reflect on the negatives of moving in with someone you barely know. This man was still in a relationship when he started pursuing you... another reason to consider him not a good prospect for the long term.

 

I plan to meet him in two weeks after a full month has passed since we broke up to see if he's been missing me and I'm hoping that he'll see what he's lost.

You should not meet up with him and instead of you hoping he'll see what he lost, you should be doing everything you can to believe you know he knows what he lost and it's too bad for him.

 

He's a cheater and he lacks character if he stuck in a bad relationship and actually went back for more.

 

You can do better. Take him down off the pedestal you have him on. He's not as good as you currently think he is if you actually think about it.

 

And, yes: You will find someone that you love and you'll have taken the time to get to know him/her and you wont move in with them until you're sure there aren't harbouring feelings for someone else. You'll do that because you've learned the lessen this relationship was meant to teach you and you will never repeat it again. Therefore, you'll go forward that much more dating savvy and successful. IF you don't repeat the mistake.

[abitbroken]

Ok. You were not being used. he was very clear about where he stood AND if anyone was used, you were using eachother. You were using him as an object as well "To see if you could like a guy and be in a relationship with one". That is what you were after. You both got what you wanted. He found out that someone else besides his ex could like him and you wanted to try on the idea of being with a guy in earnest. So now both of you have a question answered. He found that other people besides his ex could be attracted to him and you found out you like being with a guy. Questions answered. Neither of you were into it for an earnest relationship up front.

[Alex4444]

Thank you so much for all the answers guys. I will definitely be more careful next time, but this was my first love, first relationship. I just wanted to do everyone I could to make it work and I did what I felt was right for the moment. He told me he didn't want to live alone and as I was feeling really good around him I wanted to move in too.

 

The hardest part it letting go. Right now I realise this can be the end and it propably is but I just need to see him again and talk about what he feels. If I'll see that he's happy and he'll tell me he prefers their relationship than ours I will let go. I'm sure they will not be happy for long as people don't change that easily, but it's his choice. I do understand it's hard to give up on a 5 year long relationship because of the attachment etc. I also want to see if he misses me so I'll propably meet him once more.

 

Ok. You were not being used. he was very clear about where he stood AND if anyone was used, you were using eachother. You were using him as an object as well "To see if you could like a guy and be in a relationship with one". That is what you were after. You both got what you wanted. He found out that someone else besides his ex could like him and you wanted to try on the idea of being with a guy in earnest. So now both of you have a question answered. He found that other people besides his ex could be attracted to him and you found out you like being with a guy. Questions answered. Neither of you were into it for an earnest relationship up front.

 

I should have explained this. These are the reasons why we met for the first time. Since then we both wanted to be together in a good, healthy relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

He told me he didn't want to live alone and as I was feeling really good around him I wanted to move in too.

Even if you wanted to move in too and he doesn't want to be alone. Don't fall into another live-in situation until at least one to two years of dating and some weekenders together. You moved in with a stranger.

[Alex4444]

Even if you wanted to move in too and he doesn't want to be alone. Don't fall into another live-in situation until at least one to two years of dating and some weekenders together. You moved in with a stranger.

 

I know it now. My parents were telling me the same when I told them I was going to move, but I was so in love I didn't listen. I was so sure of us. I will not repeat this.

If this is over I don't think I want to be in a relationship anytime soon. I will rather meet people casually to spend time together, but I'm scared to get this involved again.

 

The bad part is I was so happy I fell in love so deeply and that I loved him so much. Now I wish I was less emotional.

[ThatwasThen]

It will get better in time. You WILL go on to meet someone that is going to be your LIFE mate. Thing is that you have to give yourself time to get to know him before you let yourself become totally vulnerable to him/her. Figure out who is going to make a better life long partner for you and then choose. Right now you're just going through an experimental stage and that's no stage to be giving your heart away.

 

(( )) Feel better soon and do that by keeping busy doing fun things with friends and family, concentrating in your career/schooling, not revelling in your thoughts of him or what he's doing. Zero contact is the way to get feelin better, quicker.

 

If this is over I don't think I want to be in a relationship anytime soon.

Oh, please get that hope out of your head. This IS over and you shouldn't think anything else about it. No hope, no meeting, no nothing. He left you to go back to someone else. You can't trust him now... you will be miserable and walking on egg shells wondering if he will do it to you again. Don't be one of the foolish one's that has ex sex while uncommitted and he's with another... that would just be you shredding your own heart.

[Alex4444]

It will get better in time. You WILL go on to meet someone that is going to be your LIFE mate. Thing is that you have to give yourself time to get to know him before you let yourself become totally vulnerable to him/her. Figure out who is going to make a better life long partner for you and then choose. Right now you're just going through an experimental stage and that's no stage to be giving your heart away.

 

(( )) Feel better soon and do that by keeping busy doing fun things with friends and family, concentrating in your career/schooling, not revelling in your thoughts of him or what he's doing. Zero contact is the way to get feelin better, quicker.

 

Oh, please get that hope out of your head. This IS over and you shouldn't think anything else about it. No hope, no meeting, no nothing. He left you to go back to someone else. You can't trust him now... you will be miserable and walking on egg shells wondering if he will do it to you again. Don't be one of the foolish one's that has ex sex while uncommitted and he's with another... that would just be you shredding your own heart.

 

I will be thinkink about what you said for the next 2 weeks and then I'll decide whether to ask him to meet me or not. No ex sex in the talks, I'm not that kind of a person.

For me relationship comes before sex, at all times. Thanks for all the advice, it's so nice of you!

[Alex4444]

One more thing I'd like to ask. I appreciate all your advice and opinions but I can't do things that are completely against what I feel.

I propably am going to meet him not to beg him to take me back but to get to know the situation better, to see if he's still into me, if he misses me, if he's sure that he wants to be with his ex or if he's still unsure, if he thinks we may be together again etc.

I would also like to hear what made him choose the other guy instead of me as he's been telling me he felt our relationship was perfect and I made him really happy and proud.

I just need to understand this situation better and know how do things look like so I can accept it and move on.

 

So, I'd like to ask you guys about how should I act and what to tell/ask him when we eventually meet?

Should I act in a confident, calm way, don't let him touch me etc. or should I be funny, cute, emotional and try to remind him why he's fallen in love with me?

[ThatwasThen]

I'll leave the meeting up with an ex suggestions up to others. I'm not one to give enabling advice that I know is going to end up hurting you worse then you do already... even if he says he wants you back more likely then not, you're still going to end up being hurt and feeling betrayed by him.

 

Do what you have to do and let us know how it goes if you Do meet up with him.

[1a1a]

There is no magic combination of words that will make him love you again

 

Reckon, just go as yourself (but do try and keep a lid on the begging/vulnerability, he lost the right to see you vulnerable when he split). Make sure you have a friend catch up lined up after.

[Hermes]

I'm with TWT.

 

I wouldn't do it, so I can't give you any advice OP.

[Alex4444]

Thanks for replying so quickly guys

I noticed that acting confident and not showing the vulnerability I felt worked when we met shortly after the breakup when I was picking the rest of my stuff from him.

I lost some weight since the breakup so I felt better with myself, I've done my hair, wore best clothes etc and I tried to be "cool" about what happened. (well I actually felt okay with it then I don't know why)

I even insisted on going to the flat for a second for an Xbox cable he forgot and met his new/old bf who was there. (he didn't look me in the eyes and acted like he was going to hide under the table or sth)

 

Well my ex almost tore my clothes off in the elevator, wanted to hug me and kiss me. When I refused he asked for a hug and then wanted to sit in the car for a while and hold hands.

After I told him not to contact me he started to write things like "i still think about you and I want you to know that and tried to have a random chat but I told him I didn't want to talk.

That's what makes me think he's having second thoughts.

 

I will try to think about all this more and decide whether to meet him or not. It really depends on how will I feel with being on my own and giving him up after the two weeks pass.

Right now I have to study for some exams and I'm going to focus on my friends and family but I will definitely let you all know how things will go.

Thank you all again for the support, it really helped me to change the way I think of this situation. Thanks a million.

 

If you have any more comments or anyone new would like to speak their mind, please do. I will be checking this thread

[ThatwasThen]

Well my ex almost tore my clothes off in the elevator, wanted to hug me and kiss me.

Yet he left you to go back to the other guy. pffft.

 

He's just a d-bag all around.

 

Think twice before meeting him. He's a guy that cannot be trusted to remain monogamous. He's shown you that twice now. Once when he was emotionally cheating while with this guy and now trying to physically cheat while he's with this guy. O.o He has no integrity and he doesn't know the meaning of loyalty . Those are two rotten personality traits if you're hoping to end up with a life mate.

[abitbroken]

I should have explained this. These are the reasons why we met for the first time. Since then we both wanted to be together in a good, healthy relationship.

 

Many relationships start off with someone going on a date and telling the other party that they are "are not looking for a relationship and just want to have some fun and date around", they go out a lot, things seem to be going good, but then they break up because that person didn't want a commitment. Surprise? No.

 

There are people that meet someone who meet (person #1) is very against having kids, but their relationship gets more intimate and person #2 decides they want kids and is heartbroken that person #1 doesn't love them enough to want kids.

 

In the same vein, you were two people not ready for relationships - he was in a relationship not wanting to leave unless he was guaranteed to be able to find someone else and you were out to experiment to see if you really could have a relationship with a guy. So surprise - you broke up in the end even though you had time in - he wasn't ultimately over his ex. So you started with an unavailable guy and it ended because the guy was still not available emotionally. It doesn't matter how much you want to be with this person. he was VERY upfront from minute one and your need to find out about yourself was stronger than your self preservation and common sense.

[Alex4444]

Yet he left you to go back to the other guy. pffft.

 

He's just a d-bag all around.

 

Think twice before meeting him. He's a guy that cannot be trusted to remain monogamous. He's shown you that twice now. Once when he was emotionally cheating while with this guy and now trying to physically cheat while he's with this guy. O.o He has no integrity and he doesn't know the meaning of loyalty . Those are two rotten personality traits if you're hoping to end up with a life mate.

 

Well it's not that he doesn't want to be monogamous. He wants to be in a good, honest relationship with a person he loves. He felt his and his ex's relationship wasn't working and as he met and fell in love with me he thought he would just put me in the place of his ex and everything would be fine. I was in love too and I didn't see how stupid and unrealistic this was. I really believed he was sure of definitely ending it with his ex and starting with me. It worked for some time and it's been great but I imagine it must be really hard to give up and move on after 5 years of being together, even if there's someone new. He just can't control his feelings, even if he know I'm a better partner for him. I think he's just really lost.

 

 

I should have explained this. These are the reasons why we met for the first time. Since then we both wanted to be together in a good, healthy relationship.

 

Many relationships start off with someone going on a date and telling the other party that they are "are not looking for a relationship and just want to have some fun and date around", they go out a lot, things seem to be going good, but then they break up because that person didn't want a commitment. Surprise? No.

 

There are people that meet someone who meet (person #1) is very against having kids, but their relationship gets more intimate and person #2 decides they want kids and is heartbroken that person #1 doesn't love them enough to want kids.

 

In the same vein, you were two people not ready for relationships - he was in a relationship not wanting to leave unless he was guaranteed to be able to find someone else and you were out to experiment to see if you really could have a relationship with a guy. So surprise - you broke up in the end even though you had time in - he wasn't ultimately over his ex. So you started with an unavailable guy and it ended because the guy was still not available emotionally. It doesn't matter how much you want to be with this person. he was VERY upfront from minute one and your need to find out about yourself was stronger than your self preservation and common sense.

 

I agree with this. We shouldn't have started our relationship right after his previous one ended. I just really believed he loved me enough to let go of his past and all the things he was telling me about me "saving him", "helping him end a bad relationship" really made me sure about that. About me... It's true I wanted to find out if being close with a guy was for me but right after the first meeting I knew I wanted to get involved and be with him. I don't think I've done anything to deserve this. I was always honest, doing my best to make him happy, supporting and understanding. I've changed a lot in my life so that we could be together easily. He never complained about a thing.

 

I know I'm defending him but that's just how i feel about it. It's not easy to give up the fight as he was the one who made me feel actually happy with who I am fir the first time, sure about who I am and what I want. It was the first time I felt I've found the way I want to live and the person I trust enough to share my whole life with. I was so happy I finally loved someone and he loved me. He certainly could have given us a chance and wait some time to check if missing his ex wasn't temporary, try to focus on me and forget, especially that I accepted that fact and offered him help and support. That's the only thing I blame him for. (well, besided hiding that he stayed in contact with his ex, but he said he "didn't want to worry me" as he knew I was a bit insecure in the beginning, I was scared I was worse than his ex)

 

Now I want to learn to be happy on my own again, and when I do that I will just wait and see how the situation goes. I know that as the time goes I might stop feeling like he's the one I want, but now I do feel that way. I will keep you updated guys, thanks again

[ThatwasThen]

I think he's just really lost.

Sadly I think you are too, luv if you'd make excuses for him like you are.

 

Someone who is "lost" will not make a good partner for anyone. Can you imagine you trying to form something new with someone when you're in the emotional state and in the pain of withdrawl from him no longer being in your life?

 

Stay away from prospects that are "in pain." Heal from your own pain and then get back out there and date when you're open in heart and mind enough to form something that will last.

[Alex4444]

Sadly I think you are too, luv if you'd make excuses for him like you are.

 

Someone who is "lost" will not make a good partner for anyone. Can you imagine you trying to form something new with someone when you're in the emotional state and in the pain of withdrawl from him no longer being in your life?

 

Stay away from prospects that are "in pain." Heal from your own pain and then get back out there and date when you're open in heart and mind enough to form something that will last.

 

I certainly am lost. All I wanted was to love and support him and for him to do the same for me.

I just can't get over the fact that I've been just a replacement for a moment and then he just pushed be away.

He says he loved me from the start and still loves me but he loves his ex more.

 

And he didn't seem lost at all. I knew he was making an important decidion when he broke up with his ex and started meeting me but he seemed so determined and sure about it. I had no doubts that he truly wants that.

And it didn't look like he was "in pain" at all. We were talking about his ex a few times and he seemed cool about it. He told me he was happy with me but he also mentioned that he will always have memories with his ex and he wants to stay in casual touch just to know what's happening in their lives. I agreed but asked him to wait before contacting him. (which he didn't do as they were in contact from the beginning)

[abitbroken]

I agree with this. We shouldn't have started our relationship right after his previous one ended. I just really believed he loved me enough to let go of his past and all the things he was telling me about me "saving him", "helping him end a bad relationship" really made me sure about that.

 

He wasn't ABLE to "love you enough". And he needed to end his relationship FOR HIMSELF, not for anyone else. Next time you meet someone like that - you walk away immediately. If they are indeed single in a year and over their ex and you want to start something, that's different. Also, you were going against your better judgement based on the image of being able to 'save someone'.

 

One more thing I'd like to ask. I appreciate all your advice and opinions but I can't do things that are completely against what I feel.

I propably am going to meet him not to beg him to take me back but to get to know the situation better, to see if he's still into me, if he misses me, if he's sure that he wants to be with his ex or if he's still unsure, if he thinks we may be together again etc.

I would also like to hear what made him choose the other guy instead of me as he's been telling me he felt our relationship was perfect and I made him really happy and proud.

I just need to understand this situation better and know how do things look like so I can accept it and move on.

 

So, I'd like to ask you guys about how should I act and what to tell/ask him when we eventually meet?

Should I act in a confident, calm way, don't let him touch me etc. or should I be funny, cute, emotional and try to remind him why he's fallen in love with me?

 

Feelings are confusing. Sometimes they don't make sense or they are wrong. Sometimes we need to forget about "emotions" and find out what our logical mind is telling us. If our logical mind is telling us that someone is with someone else, it can help override our feelings. or those feelings that aren't emotional but what our private parts are thinking.

[Alex4444]

I agree with this. We shouldn't have started our relationship right after his previous one ended. I just really believed he loved me enough to let go of his past and all the things he was telling me about me "saving him", "helping him end a bad relationship" really made me sure about that.

 

He wasn't ABLE to "love you enough". And he needed to end his relationship FOR HIMSELF, not for anyone else. Next time you meet someone like that - you walk away immediately. If they are indeed single in a year and over their ex and you want to start something, that's different. Also, you were going against your better judgement based on the image of being able to 'save someone'.

 

 

 

Feelings are confusing. Sometimes they don't make sense or they are wrong. Sometimes we need to forget about "emotions" and find out what our logical mind is telling us. If our logical mind is telling us that someone is with someone else, it can help override our feelings. or those feelings that aren't emotional but what our private parts are thinking.

 

I know this now. Lesson learned. I'm never going to start something with someone who's not been single for a while.

If it was only that simple and I could stop feeling what I feel and listen to what my logic is telling me. I know it was all a huge mistake to make things so serious with him, I know that I will propably never be able to trust him again, even if he says he wants me back but it's the feeling of fiding a person I would like to spend my life with, someone I love so much to do anything for him, someone who made me truly happy and knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about me. Even if he does love me, he loves someone else more. I've never been more hurt, honestly.

 

I'm starting to accept how things turned out. Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to be a generally sad person, despite my rather optimistic and cheerful personality. I was sad about never being in a relationship, I was sad about wanting girls who didn't want me, now I'm sad because I've lost someone who made me truly happy for the first time. I'm okay with feeling down, I know it's just how life is and I know I will make it on my own but there still are moments when something reminds me of him and when I feel how much I would give to have him close again, hug me and feel his love again. These moments are the worst as they make me want to fight to get him back again.

 

About the meeting... At first I'll talk to him about how is he doing, if he's happy now etc. I will ask if he missed me and if he truly feels more happy with his new/old relationship instead of ours. I will also ask him what made him choose the other guy instead of me and if I see that he's really happy I will let go. I will tell him how much he's hurt me but I'll tell him I'm not mad. I think forgiving him will make me feel better than hating him and propably will make it easier to forget. Ofcourse I'll be hurting for some time, but there's nothing I can do about it, neither can he. I hate the thing he's done to me but I love him as a person and I think it will stay that way for a long time.

 

Thanks for the replies

[abitbroken]

About the meeting... At first I'll talk to him about how is he doing, if he's happy now etc. I will ask if he missed me and if he truly feels more happy with his new/old relationship instead of ours. I will also ask him what made him choose the other guy instead of me and if I see that he's really happy I will let go. I will tell him how much he's hurt me but I'll tell him I'm not mad. I think forgiving him will make me feel better than hating him and propably will make it easier to forget. Ofcourse I'll be hurting for some time, but there's nothing I can do about it, neither can he. I hate the thing he's done to me but I love him as a person and I think it will stay that way for a long time.

 

Thanks for the replies

 

This will really interrupt your healing.

 

You can forgive without meeting with him. I never saw my ex spouse again after he left me and had to make the decision to forgive FOR MYSELF and not to his face. I felt a lot of relief. Really, I think this will result in you feeling even MORE gutted, or him giving you breadcrumbs knowing you'd be up for being a secret side piece. after all, you accepted him with the line of "i am in a relationship already" - all he has to do is hint he's thinking about leaving for good or needs to sleep with you to make sure he made the right choice and you might very well do it.

 

So write a long letter, then tear it up. But don't degrade yourself again by meeting up, just to get a punch in the face. Or to fall down the same path.

[Alex4444]

About the meeting... At first I'll talk to him about how is he doing, if he's happy now etc. I will ask if he missed me and if he truly feels more happy with his new/old relationship instead of ours. I will also ask him what made him choose the other guy instead of me and if I see that he's really happy I will let go. I will tell him how much he's hurt me but I'll tell him I'm not mad. I think forgiving him will make me feel better than hating him and propably will make it easier to forget. Ofcourse I'll be hurting for some time, but there's nothing I can do about it, neither can he. I hate the thing he's done to me but I love him as a person and I think it will stay that way for a long time.

 

Thanks for the replies

 

This will really interrupt your healing.

 

You can forgive without meeting with him. I never saw my ex spouse again after he left me and had to make the decision to forgive FOR MYSELF and not to his face. I felt a lot of relief. Really, I think this will result in you feeling even MORE gutted, or him giving you breadcrumbs knowing you'd be up for being a secret side piece. after all, you accepted him with the line of "i am in a relationship already" - all he has to do is hint he's thinking about leaving for good or needs to sleep with you to make sure he made the right choice and you might very well do it.

 

So write a long letter, then tear it up. But don't degrade yourself again by meeting up, just to get a punch in the face. Or to fall down the same path.

 

This is sadly so true. I will give myself the two weeks I have left before the planned meeting date to think and decide what to do. I'm starting to believe I should not meet him.

[abitbroken]

This is sadly so true. I will give myself the two weeks I have left before the planned meeting date to think and decide what to do. I'm starting to believe I should not meet him.

 

The problem with "planning a meeting" versus accidentally running into someone purely by chance is that you are not healing for you, you are just doing whatever you can think of to heal only in ways you think that will make you more appealing to the other person. I wanted to heal because I wanted my ex to talk to me. Our situation was different - we were married and he walked out without a word afterward except divorce papers. I had zero communication and actually deserved it because we had a house, other things together, etc - i was only doing things to heal enough so he'd think i was worthy of contact. when i flipped the switch and finally healed for me, I didn't care what he did anymore and that is when i started to move forward in a healthy way. I wanted some reasonable explanation for everything and never got it - and that's fine. You will not receive any response from him that would be what you want to hear - if he shows. And his current could very well show up and give you a knuckle sandwich. You never know

[Alex4444]

The problem with "planning a meeting" versus accidentally running into someone purely by chance is that you are not healing for you, you are just doing whatever you can think of to heal only in ways you think that will make you more appealing to the other person. I wanted to heal because I wanted my ex to talk to me. Our situation was different - we were married and he walked out without a word afterward except divorce papers. I had zero communication and actually deserved it because we had a house, other things together, etc - i was only doing things to heal enough so he'd think i was worthy of contact. when i flipped the switch and finally healed for me, I didn't care what he did anymore and that is when i started to move forward in a healthy way. I wanted some reasonable explanation for everything and never got it - and that's fine. You will not receive any response from him that would be what you want to hear - if he shows. And his current could very well show up and give you a knuckle sandwich. You never know

 

First I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. I hope someday I will be able to talk about my breakup as you do it now.

In my case, he wanted to simply switch from being in a relationship to being friends. He wanted to talk a lot, meet sometimes, he wanted to invite me to his flat again for a coffee etc. He says he still loves me and he wants me in his life. He even suggested that this was a "break" as he knows the situation with his ex may repeat itself and he's "waiting for his current to cheat on him again" and he's "sure he won't find anyone better than me". I sometimes think he doesn't really love people, he just wants a boyfriend that's suitable for him at the moment. I mean, how can he tell me he loves me the most for half a year and then just put me aside and be friends with no regrets? He seems so cold-hearted, even though he was so sensitive and loving when we were together.

 

I was the one who wanted zero contact for some time. At first I wanted to make him miss me, make him think of me and show him what he's lost. It actually helped me to see that I can survive without him. (the first few days after he left me I felt otherwise)

 

To be honest I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I don't know if I want him back or if I want to forget and move on. I really want a reasonable explanation for what happened as I think I deserve it from him. I want to know if he loved me or not. I've been honest and never did anything wrong. I just think it will be easier for me to let go when we have that last talk after some times passes and we are both more calm about what happened. I want to make sure he's happy with his choice and that he's sure that he doesn't need me anymore.

 

To be honest, I think it would hurt less if he told me he didn't really love me, and that he just thought he did. I think it would be easier to accept that than "I love you, but I love someone else more, even though I know you're better for me". I'm sure he will show up, he's currently waiting for me to talk to him and he texted me twice already even though I asked him not to contact me. His current is no danger for me. I actually met him when I was back at my ex's flat to get the rest of my stuff back and he was too scared to even look me in the eyes... He barely touched me when I was giving him a handshake. I also have one drawing that me and my ex planned together and that I was supposed to finish for him and I know he wants it very much. I want to give it to him.