My girlfriend has cut me off after such a brilliant year and my life is in ruins

[kjo2016]

Hermes I wasn't having a go at all and I appreciate everyone's comments. I was merely saying that I can't believe she can just disappear from my life like this without saying goodbye and without looking me in the eye. We said and promised so much too each other and it was real, spent a brilliant year and it was true love and her family and friends told me she adores me and has never been so happy. I think it's just external circumstances and it somehow got too much. I'm a strong believer that love conquers all, otherwise what's the point?!

[Hermes]

It's OK KJO.

 

I can only imagine what a turbulent time this is for you.

 

I fear that love does not conquer all, KJO. If that were the case there would be no threads here, no posts, no Enotalone......

That saying is a bit of a myth.

Ultimately whether “love conquers all” depend on the willingness to find compromises, and the commitment of the relationship, and a long litany of other factors.

 

And, people are a mystery too, often a mystery unto themselves.

[ATTS20]

First time poster - KJO - I feel for you buddy. I too have recently had a girlfriend of 7 months turn on me. It never feels good and it's even worse when they can't tell you the honest reason! I will say however, and take it for whatever it's worth - based on the details you provided - There are a few points I'll make that you may not like, but please hear me out, because I'm simply stating my past experiences and most recent experience.

 

1. When you lose your Job, to a woman this is an emotional kiss of death! A woman may at first appear supportive and good natured - however on an emotional level something else is brewing. When a man loses his job, to a woman, it make the man lose his masculine core. She becomes uncomfortable because now she has to live in a world that's no longer secure and safe. Moreover, when a man loses his job, he loses his confidence, starts to worry, and stress starts to build. All of these elements form together to change the man - to a woman he becomes needy, insecure, and weak.

 

2. I also noticed how you presented your self with so much weakness after she tested you by tugging at your masculine core when she first told you she wanted to end the relationship. Remember, you lost your job, you had a lot going on with your divorce and I can see how you needlessly flapped your mouth and conveyed your worries and insecurities to her - making you come off as a weak and needy guy. Woman, for whatever reason, can't just call you out and tell you that you're being weak and needy. Instead they smile to your face, and then on an emotional level begin resenting you because all of a sudden you move away from being a solid foundation, a pilar of stability, a real man.

 

Look, this isn't mean to pounce on you for losing your Job, however, in that instance you have to be very careful how you project your feelings and insecurities. You must find the positive in any given negative, and project it to your woman with confidence. She needs to feel and trust that you'll bounce right back bigger and better and you need to reassure her everything will be ok. I know that's a lot of pressure, but it can be done in a loving way.

 

 

3. KJO you gave way too much the fact that you stated "I would do anything for her.." that's your problem. By your account, I surmise you never stood up to her. You never showed her you backbone and so when you lost your job, she pounced and you caved like a cracked egg. KJO, flying back and forth, begging, being needy, sending emails, blasting phone calls, blasting feminine energy her way, is exactly the WRONG thing to do! Your behavior disgusted her and made her lose respect for you. So then she blocked your number and you're still worried about if she's ok????

KJO Those things sound great in movies, romantic comedies, novels, songs, and post card. But in reality , when she first sprung it upon you that she wanted to break up, you should have said "Thanks for today, be grateful for tomorrow. It was nice meeting you and I'm looking forward to getting a lot done!" and then you should have walked out and never looked back!

 

The greatest negotiating position is the ability to walk out and mean in. Had you done that and not contacted her for a period of no less than 30 days irregardless of the number of phone calls and texts she would be sending you, you would have significantly raised your value in her eyes, and I would be more than willing to bet, she would have flown out to see you in London at her own dime, vs having you fly to the states each time like an international travel agent.

 

KJO2016 - The moral of the story is, you were a weak needy guy that turned her off when you lost your job. She lost her trust in you when you acted like a beggar and when you projected your divorce and kid problems on to her. I know I'm being tough here and I'm only doing so because I went through the same thing. I then discovered the work of Doc Lov and Corey Wayne. In fact youtube Corey Wayne and start watching his news letters. Download and read his book. It's significantly helped me. But that said, I still miss my X and still have daily insecurity battles, urges to reach out and text her, or go over to her house and see if her car is there, and the weird behavior that signifies a person with a severely broken heart. I get it man, I get it. But Time heals all wounds and this too shall pass. The important thing is to learn as much as you can so you can make sure this scenario never happens again!

 

Cheers

[kjo2016]

ATTS appreciate your comments and I get most of them. Of course it hurt me when I lost a great job and my visa in the US this was after waiting so long to be there. However I did not wollow in self pity I immediately did something about it searched for jobs and investments and secured a severance to buy us some time. Also I agree with the no contact but the fact she broke up with me on email when I was here in the UK rather than even calling me to talk about it first is not the way an adult relationship works for me.

[rich46]

First time poster - KJO - I feel for you buddy. I too have recently had a girlfriend of 7 months turn on me. It never feels good and it's even worse when they can't tell you the honest reason! I will say however, and take it for whatever it's worth - based on the details you provided - There are a few points I'll make that you may not like, but please hear me out, because I'm simply stating my past experiences and most recent experience.

 

1. When you lose your Job, to a woman this is an emotional kiss of death! A woman may at first appear supportive and good natured - however on an emotional level something else is brewing. When a man loses his job, to a woman, it make the man lose his masculine core. She becomes uncomfortable because now she has to live in a world that's no longer secure and safe. Moreover, when a man loses his job, he loses his confidence, starts to worry, and stress starts to build. All of these elements form together to change the man - to a woman he becomes needy, insecure, and weak.

 

2. I also noticed how you presented your self with so much weakness after she tested you by tugging at your masculine core when she first told you she wanted to end the relationship. Remember, you lost your job, you had a lot going on with your divorce and I can see how you needlessly flapped your mouth and conveyed your worries and insecurities to her - making you come off as a weak and needy guy. Woman, for whatever reason, can't just call you out and tell you that you're being weak and needy. Instead they smile to your face, and then on an emotional level begin resenting you because all of a sudden you move away from being a solid foundation, a pilar of stability, a real man.

 

Look, this isn't mean to pounce on you for losing your Job, however, in that instance you have to be very careful how you project your feelings and insecurities. You must find the positive in any given negative, and project it to your woman with confidence. She needs to feel and trust that you'll bounce right back bigger and better and you need to reassure her everything will be ok. I know that's a lot of pressure, but it can be done in a loving way.

 

 

3. KJO you gave way too much the fact that you stated "I would do anything for her.." that's your problem. By your account, I surmise you never stood up to her. You never showed her you backbone and so when you lost your job, she pounced and you caved like a cracked egg. KJO, flying back and forth, begging, being needy, sending emails, blasting phone calls, blasting feminine energy her way, is exactly the WRONG thing to do! Your behavior disgusted her and made her lose respect for you. So then she blocked your number and you're still worried about if she's ok????

KJO Those things sound great in movies, romantic comedies, novels, songs, and post card. But in reality , when she first sprung it upon you that she wanted to break up, you should have said "Thanks for today, be grateful for tomorrow. It was nice meeting you and I'm looking forward to getting a lot done!" and then you should have walked out and never looked back!

 

The greatest negotiating position is the ability to walk out and mean in. Had you done that and not contacted her for a period of no less than 30 days irregardless of the number of phone calls and texts she would be sending you, you would have significantly raised your value in her eyes, and I would be more than willing to bet, she would have flown out to see you in London at her own dime, vs having you fly to the states each time like an international travel agent.

 

KJO2016 - The moral of the story is, you were a weak needy guy that turned her off when you lost your job. She lost her trust in you when you acted like a beggar and when you projected your divorce and kid problems on to her. I know I'm being tough here and I'm only doing so because I went through the same thing. I then discovered the work of Doc Lov and Corey Wayne. In fact youtube Corey Wayne and start watching his news letters. Download and read his book. It's significantly helped me. But that said, I still miss my X and still have daily insecurity battles, urges to reach out and text her, or go over to her house and see if her car is there, and the weird behavior that signifies a person with a severely broken heart. I get it man, I get it. But Time heals all wounds and this too shall pass. The important thing is to learn as much as you can so you can make sure this scenario never happens again!

 

Cheers

Yeah, this is spot on, unfortunately.

 

Part of me thinks it is a shame that a man is expected to be this bastion of confidence all of the time, and as soon as something happens that understandably causes the male to lose this confidence, then the female will lose attraction and flee so easily. It especially seems unfair if you have supported the female through her difficult times, but as soon as there is a dip in the male's emotional state, bang she is gone.

 

OP I think you are still in denial about your ex, which is fine, but the sooner you snap out of it and start to accept what has actually happened, then you can start rebuilding your life.

[kjo2016]

Of course it's only been a couple of weeks since it's happened so emotions are pretty raw. It is a shame if she's done this shows how shallow she is, especially as I helped her set up and supported her new business.

[rich46]

Of course it's only been a couple of weeks since it's happened so emotions are pretty raw. It is a shame if she's done this shows how shallow she is, especially as I helped her set up and supported her new business.

Fair enough, it is still raw and may well be for some time.

 

Trust me, I know how you feel - I didn't even get an email after three years together, medium distance relationship. Just grew distant all of a sudden and then ignored me. Because of previous experience and knowing that chasing won't help when they have made up their mind, I cut my losses and embarked on the recovery process. i should be more patient with how you are feeling because looking back, I had so many unanswered questions whizzing around my head for 3-4 months afterwards. It will eventually settle down and you may begin to get a semblance of understanding about what happened, although you, just as I, will never know the full story.

 

So yeah, people can change suddenly, or at least it seems out of the blue, but stuff may have been bubbling under the surface for a while (leading to being 'blindsided').

 

I wouldn't chase her for your stuff, even though it sucks. If she is the sort of person that will drop you so ruthlessly, and then doesn't even have the decency to send your things back, well that may offer you some comfort down the line, as it has me. I now think that an ex such as mine, who dropped me so callously, would probably have had no issues doing so further down the line when marriage/children could have complicated things so much more. As you said, it is not how an adult relationship works, or how an adult should treat another adult, so in that respect, treat it as a lucky escape.

 

Things could always be worse.

[kjo2016]

Cheers, this is just all new to me and believe me I am usually a realist, resilient, positive and strong person. But she has stabbed me so badly in the heart, ripped it from my chest and trampled all over it. She's tapped into a vulnerability and insecurity within me I didn't even know I possessed, it will take me a long time to get over this for sure. Even if she got in touch with me now I don't think I could forgive her for the pain and torture she has caused me (apparently the love of her life and the person she wanted to grow old with!).

[Hermes]

So, KJO, you were used.

 

"especially as I helped her set up and supported her new business."

 

In simple terms you were taken for a ride. Believe me you will find similar stories on here and in 3D too. It is most hurtful to be deceived and then simply ditched.

Rich gives good advice.

Imagine what it would be like later on if you got further involved, took life changing decisions and you then found out what she was like. As I said before: you've had one lucky escape.

[ATTS20]

Yeah, this is spot on, unfortunately.

 

Part of me thinks it is a shame that a man is expected to be this bastion of confidence all of the time, and as soon as something happens that understandably causes the male to lose this confidence, then the female will lose attraction and flee so easily. It especially seems unfair if you have supported the female through her difficult times, but as soon as there is a dip in the male's emotional state, bang she is gone.

 

OP I think you are still in denial about your ex, which is fine, but the sooner you snap out of it and start to accept what has actually happened, then you can start rebuilding your life.

 

Rich, sad but true. Never make your lover your counselor, confidant, mom, dad, sister, or best friend. A lover is a lover. We men make the mistake that we can come home and have a shoulder to lean on when things are going wrong. All that does is lower the females interest level because she sees you being weak and needy. It temporarily gives them pleasure to see how much you care for them by being "Vulnerable" but on a romantic emotional front, it destroys them.

 

This isn't to say pretend nothing is going on and put on a happy face all the time. But if you have to vent about anything negative at all, anything at all, you do it to your best buddy, and your parents (who are the only people in the world that will love you unconditionally. Them and your dog) That's it!

 

Never expect a romantic lover to love your unconditionally, and never take a woman's compliments or complaints as absolute truths. Because woman only say and mean things that they feel at that time that they feel them. So if they love you today at 1:00pm, it's true, they loved you at 1:00pm. But that doesn't mean they fell that way at 1:05pm.

[ATTS20]

Cheers, this is just all new to me and believe me I am usually a realist, resilient, positive and strong person. But she has stabbed me so badly in the heart, ripped it from my chest and trampled all over it. She's tapped into a vulnerability and insecurity within me I didn't even know I possessed, it will take me a long time to get over this for sure. Even if she got in touch with me now I don't think I could forgive her for the pain and torture she has caused me (apparently the love of her life and the person she wanted to grow old with!).

 

Kojo! Then she did her job buddy! You need to thank her for this. Because this is how you grow as a person. How would you ever know you have such vulnerability? IT had to happen this way, but the good news is this, you WILL recover. Stay resilient and I recommend you read this book : " The way of the superior man" by David Deida.

[Wiseman2]

No. She would state: Come get them yourself. Unless you admit to yourself that for whatever reason she thinks you were lying/misrepresenting yourself.

 

You know why she broke up and what the supposed lie/misrepresentation was about be because she said "I will talk to you if you tell me truth!' and you stated there was quite a bit of bickering about this. I think your only hope is to finally come clean and stop sticking with your lie/misrepresentation.

Do you think she isn't replying and not sending my stuff because she hopes I'll go over there?

[kjo2016]

As I've stated so many times now I gave her full disclosure about everything and my situation from the outset, as I wasn't looking to start something with anyone. Why after sending that email "about knowing who I am" was she still asking to skype, sending photos and then she just disappeared?! Totally don't agree with the above comments, we were bickering about unimportant stuff nothing material.

[mfrankie1]

When someone cuts you off like that, it is the worst feeling ever. It can be very hard to come to terms with and frankly, I think, abusive to be given no explanation. Even an explanation via text doesn't cut it. you're right, it is not a mature, adult thing to do. She should have spoken to you at length and helped you understand that for whatever reason she didn't want to continue, THEN perhaps gone no contact to help you both heal. The key thing is - she didn't.

 

So think of it as a lucky escape. You had a year and she showed her major flaw. The inability to communicate and 'running away' behaviour is not something you want to invite into your life, especially if you have a child. The fact she did it to her ex, says everything. My ex told me he ignored his ex for a while before dumping her and I remember thinking it was mean at the time. He also told me she contacted his Mum and sister to try and get in contact with him. Why did she have to go to that length? Because some people just don't have the emotional capacity and are cowards. They run and then end up alone, probably wondering why nothing ever works out. Then onto the next relationship, rinse and repeat.

 

I think need to go through a kind of grieving process and don't blame yourself. You worked hard at keeping the relationship together and you did a lot of running. You lost the job and visas went with it, plus immigration is really tough, that's not your fault. If she was a normal person and in it for the long haul, she would try to make it work despite time apart and red tape.

 

Concentrate on yourself now and think that although it hurts now, imagine how it would hurt if you let her back in, listened to false promises and packed up again and left? Left after getting to know your son as well? She did it to her ex, her husband after a longer time. Leave her to her issues and in a couple of months you won't feel so bad.

[Sabrina79]

My heart hurts for you because you seem like an honest man. I can see myself doing what she did. She didn't understand your life and made a decision based on her own thoughts and beliefs. I don't think there anything wrong with you trying to find out what happened. It shows that you cared. If anything, she is wrong. I also know that she has her own story in her head that differs from your story.

 

She has her issues that she needs to figure out. It has nothing to do with you. Trust me. I have no advice for you but the fact that I've left before when things started to get too intense for me and I convinced myself that I didn't need to be in a reationship that was complicated and needed work. Now I understand that it hurt the other person because I made a decision for the both of us and gave him no closure.

[kjo2016]

ATTS this is a very sad outlook. Lover is a lover?! No you find someone who is a lover, your partner in life where you share everything good and bad and your best friend who you can laugh and have a good time with and also talk about everything. I've never been afraid of opening my heart and mind to share everything and being all in, otherwise what's the point?

[Hermes]

ATT. So so much truth in this.

 

"Never make your lover your counselor, confidant, mom, dad, sister, or best friend"

 

And could I add as well as "lover", husband, partner, LTR".

 

It is not a spouse/partner's job to be the other's therapist, parent, or sibling.

 

Supportive yes.

[ATTS20]

ATTS this is a very sad outlook. Lover is a lover?! No you find someone who is a lover, your partner in life where you share everything good and bad and your best friend who you can laugh and have a good time with and also talk about everything. I've never been afraid of opening my heart and mind to share everything and being all in, otherwise what's the point?

 

Kjo2016, you and every male since the feminist revolution has been spoon fed this nonsense that in a relationship you're supposed to "be vulnerable, share everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.." We've been conditioned to think this way, because we've watched millions of movies, listened to countless day tv talk shows, read romance novels, and generally use that slogan like a bad bumper sticker sign all the way through our relationships.

 

The problem is that in real life, doing that is complete B.S, un-masculine and turns all clinically sane women OFF!! Women do not want a "vulnerable" man as their romantic partner. They want James Bond, they want want a Cary Grant, they want a Gentleman, who has Confidence, self control, and is a challenge to them (because it's a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men, who's feelings for them are unclear!) They like mystery and they like chivalry.

 

What they don't like is you dumping your adversity on them, conducting approval seeking behavior, or constantly chasing them when they back away from you. Based on everything you said, she backed away to test your strength, but instead got your fear of losing her and your subsequent panic mode behavior of thinking you need to take immediate action to get her back. You figured that if you just flew over there, to tell her how much you love her, or how none of this life you've worked so hard for matters if she's not in, that some how if all those emails and conversations to her family made it back, she'll get a perspective and surely come rushing back into your arms!

 

The reality is it's just going to chase her off and into the arms of another man.

 

You, myself, and others - must understand that chasing a woman who is backing away from you is a kiss of death. It implies you have no backbone, that you're willing to tolerate being treated like . That no matter what she does, you'll be sitting there like a puppy dog, waiting for his command to do something. You must learn to be able to walk away and mean it.

 

Next, you claimed you were gearing up to move in together, start a life work here in the states etc... Did you ever consider that when she initially backed off from you and threw that crazy riddle no one understands, that it was a test by her to see how you would react? Think about it, she's single handily responsible for luring you away from the UK to the US, splitting you from your child, basically re-arranging your entire life to be with her. Did you ever consider she might be testing you to make sure you're a solid rock under heavy irrational pressure? That no matter how badly she acted, that you would show her you won't tolerate that behavior and actually standup to her by willing to walk away and never looking back? (of course not, why would anyone think she would be doing this?)

 

She was testing you KJO, and you failed miserably at it because you identified her pulling away as fear you'll loser her for good. So you listened to all the romantic movies you've watched growing up and decided if you take action, somehow she'll see the light and come back.

 

Doesn't work like that my friend. You need to let her go and keep at your own purpose etc. Besides, why should it be you who should be moving stateside? Why isn't she the one to leave and come to the Uk? (ever thought of that?)

[rich46]

ATTS20 - Got to say I agree with your analysis. Men of a sensitive nature may find it difficult to admit to such facts, but they are for the mostpart correct.

 

It is easier said than done of course, keeping up the apparent facade as the years pass by in a relationship, maintaining the James Bond-persona even when you are faced with mounting stress from different angles (work/study/health/money or whatever). But it is a fact of life. Looking back on my 2/3 long-term relationships, they started when I was confident, assertive, independent, etc but ended a few years down the line when I showed my vulnerability, albeit in different scenarios.

 

I've ordered that book you recommended and looking forward to giving it a read this weekend, and throughout my next relationship (which is the key). Too easy to let your guard down after getting into a comfort zone, and before you know it, bang....over.

[Hermes]

ATT.

 

I sure cannot disagree with you.

 

"every male since the feminist revolution has been spoon fed this nonsense that in a relationship you're supposed to "be vulnerable, share everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.." We've been conditioned to think this way, because we've watched millions of movies, listened to countless day tv talk shows, read romance novels, and generally use that slogan like a bad bumper sticker sign all the way through our relationships. "

[kjo2016]

Think the last couple of replies went slightly off tangent. Anyway to update you I've been really struggling last couple of weeks. Her brother in law confirmed she has thrown my clothes and stuff away worth around $5-6k all my business attire, it's been a month since we had contact and six weeks since the split. The harshness, cruelty and coldness of all of this will take a lot of time to get over. Maybe this is the way American women are I don't know but I've never seen behaviour like it!