Bad friendship not going away

[wondering731]

My first posting on ENA was about a friendship going bad. She seemed to like me, then ignored me, then back to somewhat friends later on. It seems like it is a friendship when it is convenient for her. When she wants to talk she will talk for like hours, but if I try getting in touch with her she'll have 1 word answers or ignore it totally.

 

Over a year ago she asked me for a potentially really big favor involving my time and effort over the course of several years. I agreed on it and we spoke about how to go about it. I asked her to find out some information and she never got back to me. She sent out what seemed like a group text to her friends a month later essentially saying she won't need my help. There was no thank you or anything. I tried to joke with her about it and she didn't respond.

 

I have tried to let this fade. Every now and then I'll get a call from her. I stopped picking up and responding. When I do that, she knows how to reach me (calling a mutual friend and they give me the phone). I don't want to be mean since we have several mutual friends in and out of work. I do have feelings for her as well, which is why these calls are effecting me (bringing up old memories, etc..). I don't know how to make this fully fade away.

[kathy679]

You say you have feelings for her, what are these feelings?

If you want her out of your life you have to be consistent. As in don't answer a call from her one day then blank her the next. She will eventually get the hint

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you'll have to go full block/no contact if orbiting her in the friendzone is causing headaches and preventing you from moving on and finding better friends/a gf.

She seemed to like me, then ignored me, then back to somewhat friends later on. It seems like it is a friendship when it is convenient for her.I do have feelings for her as well, which is why these calls are effecting me

[ParisPaulette]

Well, if you can't just up and cut the lines altogether then you need to perfect the false cheery "Oh hey, so sorry I haven't been in touch. I've just been crazy busy, we'll get together soon though, gotta run." Then you hand the phone back to your friend and walk away telling them you've got to go.

 

When anyone says anything you look at them and say, "What? I did tell her we would get together soon, but I'm busy."

 

No one can pin anything on you if you maintain you're always busy and gosh of course you want to get together. And you just keep doing that until she finally gets the message and so do your friends that "some day" may be a long ways off.

 

Personally I think you should just block the toxic b and be done with it. You already know she's just trying to reach you get something and you need to learn to be able to say no to people.

 

In this case it's up to you to decide you want nothing to do with her, to let the feelings fade over time, and to maintain "I'm busy" as the only response to anything she might ask of you when she does reach you. And yes, do that even if she apologizes, because chances are good her behavior won't change, she'll just be playing nice to set you up.

 

Polite distance and being too busy are the things to do. She knows very well why you won't reach out to her and talk to her or she wouldn't be trying to ambush you via mutual friends. So beat her at that game, be oh so happy to hear from her but just you know "busy, gotta run."

[Hollyj]

She's not a friend, and uses you when it's convenient.

 

Don't answer calls. As Paris stated, be busy. Doesn't matter if you have mutual friends.

[catfeeder]

I don't know how to make this fully fade away.

 

That's simple. Tell any friend who hands you a phone that you're not accepting any calls. If you want to be proactive, you can tell them in advance so they can simply say you're not available.

 

If she raises this with you when you cross paths, you can kindly say, "I don't phone your friends when you don't accept my calls, and I'd appreciate the same consideration from you."

 

That's all, and head high.

[wondering731]

That's simple. Tell any friend who hands you a phone that you're not accepting any calls. If you want to be proactive, you can tell them in advance so they can simply say you're not available.

 

If she raises this with you when you cross paths, you can kindly say, "I don't phone your friends when you don't accept my calls, and I'd appreciate the same consideration from you."

 

That's all, and head high.

 

Wow... Those are some wise words... She has no respect for my boundaries (probably bc i never said no to her), but it's too late to do anything other than learn from it and hold my ground... Thanks for your input catfeeder