Stupid comments by dad today not celebrating fathers day now!!!!

[musicman777]

Well, normally I come on here to vent about dating troubles. But today is a new issue, and sometimes I wonder if I have "issues" with things like dating because of the relationship with my dad. He is turn 79 years old this weekend (his birthday and fathers day close together), yes, he is very old and had me late in life. Throughout life, he has never been a great dad. He's never abused me or anything, but he's been a severe alcoholic and treats my mother like absolute garbage to no end. Never really been there for me, never talks to me normal. He also smokes heavily and is in general, obnoxious and rude to others.

 

I still live at home, mostly to take care of my mother and house at this point, and be with my dog. And today, he makes this extremely rude comment, and it made me furious to no end. He has Dr. Phil on in the other room today. And they had a transgender on there. A guy that turned into a girl. And throughout the whole episode, my dad is saying really stupid comments/insults towards this person. And one that struck me the hardest, "if my kid was f'ing like that, I would tell them to get the f out of my house", right with me in the other room. Now I am NOT transgender, neither is my sister. But, what if we were?! This is his attitude towards the subject? He would tell me to get the F out of his life if I was one of those people? I told my sister about it and she is not happy about it, either. I want to say he has several other kids with his ex wife, and he only talks to one of them anymore, they have all cut him out of their lives because he is a drunk a-hole.

 

I've about had it after this. I bought him a brand new cordless, Black and Decker drill with attachments and a card, I'm taking it all back to the store later now. Because this one pushed my buttons really hard. This man clearly isn't deserving of anything. You know, I'm not transgender, but that's about the most hurtful thing he's ever said indirectly towards me. Wouldn't any of you feel that way if your heard your dad say something like that?... I want to add in he also got **** faced drunk today and insulted my mother as well. I don't think he deserves ANYTHING. I think he's officially crossed the line today.

[abitbroken]

You know what - if my dad said something like that - I wouldn't cut him off from being my dad. People are entitled to their own opinions. They have a right to them. And what someone is going to spout out in their arm chair in the privacy of their own armchair and get riled up over on a talk show is different than what they would say to someone walking down the street in public, honestly. People are on totally different behavior for the most part and if they don't know someone who is whatever they see on a talk show, they are going to react differently. Most likely, he will forget about what Dr Phil was talking about the very next day. Also, sometimes on talk shows, kids come off as entitled little precious snowflakes that don't really care about the rest of their family, as well, no matter what the issue of the day is and its all so sensationalistic meant to evoke anger, rubbernecking, and what have you. its not a documentary - its Dr Phil.

 

There are some relatives of mine that do not hold the same views I do on different things, but we get along because I am not in their private spaces in their private moments and we agree to disagree and don't purposefully bring up topics that cause rancor between us.

 

I think that the best course of action for you is not to cut off your dad for having a different view than yourself, but you should move out. I think its game playing to take back your dad's gift and refuse to see him on Father's Day two days before father's day. it is not going to accomplish anything at all.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, overhearing something your dad yelled at the TV, calling other family members to conference it and getting everyone riled up about for everyone to boycott is pot stirring and I feel that you are on a fishing trip to find trouble - you were looking for a reason to cancel father's day over something your dad didn't do to you or your sister instead of choosing your battles to the real issues - and saving your disgust and boundary setting when its something more important- like if he is doing something bad to mom, or gambling money away that is yours, etc.

[zeino]

Musicman777,

I'm sorry for what you have been going through with your father, and I'm sorry that you have not only been dealing with a psychosocial disease as a family but you feel insulted by his transphobic comments and whatnot. But I'm glad that when you mention your sister, you mentioned an agreement between the two of you and maybe that offers some emotional support to you.

 

Alcoholism is a serious psychosocial disease that affects all family members severely so you looking after yourself well is more important than what he does or what comes out of his mouth at this stage and you can achieve proper self-care through detachment no matter what he does. You need to come to a point of emotional detachment where a seriously troubled person cannot get to you or control your mood with his behaviour. How do you feel about seeking help from groups like Al-Anon (the 12 step group for families of alcoholics) or SMART, a secular recovery group based on scientific research and helps families as well? I'm saying this, because I would feel like you and I would like you every day and that's too much for a person to live with and have a satisfying life at home. And then there would be so much stuffed anger in me that I'd be triggered no matter what he does anyway. You deserve so much better no matter what he does and you can reach to that point of detachment and happiness no matter what he does.

[thejigsup]

I believe I have the right to say whatever I wish when I am in my own home. Your father has that right double time because you are living in HIS house. If it offends you, and I don't agree with what your father said at all, just move out. He may ask you to now, anyway. I love how kids who are living with their parents think they have the right to be the thought police on their parents. Grow up. If it bothers you, move. Simple. Don't pout like a child.

[musicman777]

I believe I have the right to say whatever I wish when I am in my own home. Your father has that right double time because you are living in HIS house. If it offends you, and I don't agree with what your father said at all, just move out. He may ask you to now, anyway. I love how kids who are living with their parents think they have the right to be the thought police on their parents. Grow up. If it bothers you, move. Simple. Don't pout like a child.

 

Okay regarding this one. I am buying the house off them within the next month, and then am possibly selling it and moving to the west coast over the summer. My mother has already set things up with a lawyer, so it's not going to be "his house" anymore. And my dad wouldn't own this house anymore if it weren't for me. He saved absolutely nothing for retirement. I pay almost all the bills, I pay the property taxes on it every year now, I paid for tens of thousands of dollars worth of repairs on it, because he left it uninsured for years during winter that damaged it. I also paid for a lawyer for him to get him out of legal trouble last year as well because he ruined someones truck he was supposed to do some light body work on. I mean, you don't know the things I have done for him as well as this house. He basically has zero appreciation for it whatsoever and acts like an ignorant person all the time. He would be on the streets now if it weren't for me, either that or a retirement home if the state would pay for one, and he has been put in one before over his behavior in the past. That's why I get upset with his antics easily.

 

Alcoholism is a serious psychosocial disease that affects all family members severely so you looking after yourself well is more important than what he does or what comes out of his mouth at this stage and you can achieve proper self-care through detachment no matter what he does. You need to come to a point of emotional detachment where a seriously troubled person cannot get to you or control your mood with his behaviour. How do you feel about seeking help from groups like Al-Anon (the 12 step group for families of alcoholics) or SMART, a secular recovery group based on scientific research and helps families as well? I'm saying this, because I would feel like you and I would like you every day and that's too much for a person to live with and have a satisfying life at home. And then there would be so much stuffed anger in me that I'd be triggered no matter what he does anyway. You deserve so much better no matter what he does and you can reach to that point of detachment and happiness no matter what he does.

 

I appreciate this response the most. That sounds like a good advice and a good program for family members that aren't alcoholics to get into. As for him, I've tried to get him into rehab and things before, but he will NEVER go. And to get into a bit more detail; he's is such a severe alcoholic. I have liquor, I hardly EVER drink, except once in a blue moon or if there are people over. I like to mix cocktails or something. I've never been drunk once in my life. I was saving up to make a mini-bar at home and had several bottles of alcohol I was saving. He eventually found them and drinks them down to nothing, then lies about drinking it. And expensive bottles, too, I mean top-shelf tequilas and things I bought and he will not replace them. This is another thing that is kind of irking me over fathers day, because this happened a few weeks ago. I ended having to build a custom liquor cabinet with a combination lock to keep him out of it. He was furious, feeling entitled to all my alcohol that I bought for myself and if friends are over or anything. He wouldn't say it to my face though, but takes it out on my mother.

 

Then the icing on the cake, he takes a photo of my liquor cabinet, and spreads lies to friends of the family saying I'm some alcoholic! I mean, he really does play mind games badly. He was very sneaky about stealing my alcohol and just plain cruel doing that. I mean, it's like, I'm the adult and he is the child in the house. I think the issues go deeper than some of you realize that read this post initially. I have tried though, to completely detach myself from him. 95% of the time I do, but it's things like "fathers day" that come up. You are all right, I am probably finding fuel for the fire to not give him anything nor celebrate. Because I really don't want to celebrate it.

[thejigsup]

I understand to a degree, but my father was a cruel alcoholic, also. I respected him, though. He was my father. I could spout off to others about him but to his face, I was a good daughter and never disrespected him. I loved him and would never have missed father's day. He died in front of me. You don't get over things like that. I understand not agreeing with him, that's cool, but you sound a little cold. No matter how drunk he got, I loved him. He was my dad.

[musicman777]

Hi jigsup, that is nice advice. Unfortunately that is not the case here. I have some rather terrible news that this situation only escalated even more. I want to say despite my venting here, I said absolutely nothing in person to him or anything. I actually tried to be nice, I left him the gifts I bought and a birthday card. Doesn't open them, doesn't say "thank you" or anything. Goes to hit the bottle really early in the morning, passes out for about 4 hours in the afternoon. My sister and I were supposed to take him somewhere to eat dinner. FYI, he hasn't gone out to eat in many many months. We asked him several days ago beforehand and did not pressure him to go.

 

He changes his mind about it last minute and decides to go to a local bar instead for three hours. Not to enable his drinking, but before this started I bought him a bottle of brandy, but I told him he can only have it at night, and I'm keeping it in my liquor cabinet so he doesn't go drunk driving (which he does from time to time, endangering other peoples lives on the road and he does so sneakily in other peoples vehicles). He storms off. Goes to the neighbors house, starts trash talking about me loudly on the middle of the road and telling the neighbors he's doing "terrible" on his Birthday and how I'm a terrible person when I did absolutely nothing nor said anything all day apart from the bottle... when he came back, I told him "well f*** you too", I grabbed all his birthday/fathers day gifts and returned them to the store, I'm not giving gifts to this idiot.

 

My sister was kept in the loop with all this and she also knows how bad he is, in fact (she is is older than me) growing up, he used to punch walls and break things when she was little. She decided not to come over for his birthday, and she also doesn't want her kids to see him anymore now because he got way too out of control the past couple days.

 

He's also was walking around all day saying "I hope I die before 80" and also driving my mother nuts, I thought he was going to give her a stroke today he has her so aggravated. Well you know what, I hope he does. I've had it with his garbage and driving the family nuts. I didn't buy him any food today after playing games at dinner time, and I didn't sing happy birthday. And I told my mother starting from here on in I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore, I don't want to speak to him ever again. And if and when I move, I don't want him coming with me to the west coast, he can live the rest of his days in a retirement home or a cardboard box. He doesn't care about me, he doesn't deserve anyone or anything, and the only thing he wants is a bottle of booze everyday. I don't have time for people like that.