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Is she interested or not?


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Just to clarify in advance, this is a girl from work, and I'm aware of the pitfalls here:


I recently started in a new job about two months ago, and immediately noticed a girl (26) that was rather cute (I'm 29). In the next couple of weeks, I caught her looking at me several times at during lunch when she thought I wasn't looking, and she always laughed smiled and laughed at both my good and bad jokes, which I tend to crack a lot of around her. About a month in, she then upped it a bit by coming over and asking me for help with overly "simple" tasks (such as helping her pry open a pair of scissors or whatever it was back then). Good sign right there!


All well so far I guess, those are usually good signs that a girl is interested. So I did the natural thing that same Friday (when she asked for "help"), and asked her if she wanted to have a workout together after work after she had told me she was heading for the gym. While at the gym, she came over and was happy to "help" me with some exercises (I'm terrible at stretching), giving her a good excuse to start touching me. Afterwards, I asked her if she wanted to grab a beer, to which she replied yes since she had no plans that weekend (another good sign). So we went for some dinner and a beer, had a chat and a few laughs, then parted ways. Afterwards I texted her, thanked for the company and said that "we should do this again some time", to which she seamed eager. So I went forward and asked if she wanted to go out on the following day as well. Next day went well, and we walked about in the city and had a few drinks afterwards for a total of 7 hours, and we chatted a bit about dating and meeting people in the end as well. Then I said that I had to leave in order to watch the football finals with some friends (she never suggested leaving, that was on my part). Again I thanked for the time spent, and we parted ways with a hug. Perhaps a mistake to some, but I thought I the evening had gone rather well.



Next week, she started being really awkward around me at work however. She stopped saying hello, and would completely freeze up when we met around the copier and just look at the wall (it was obvious something was up). She also seemed to avoid me a bit, as she went with other people at the office for lunch and never asked me to join or anything. I basically had to initiate conversation all the time for a week and a half after, to which I started to get hesitant about myself since the situation was creeping me out (I distanced myself a bit at that point).


I talked to my therapist however about it (I have trust issues with girls and see my therapist about once a week), and he thought she might just be shy and traditional and perhaps even offended that I had just left on our "date" on that Saturday, and suggested I ask her out again to find out. And so I did, as I last Friday asked her after work if she wanted to do something together that weekend. She first replied that she wasn't free because her brother was coming over from out of town, but quickly added that I could come join them "since she wanted to have someone to talk to when his brother and his friends were chatting". Good sign, right? She wants me to meet her family!


Our meetup went well for the first half, as we got to chat about and have fun for about an hour and a half until some friends of her came by. (In situations such as these I tend to lose energy fast, as even though I'm quite outgoing I'm also introverted and this drains me a lot. I told her about this as well). Until that we had talked a bit more about dating "in general", and I even stated that I was a bit traditional on the topic of for instance marriage, which she didn't feel as strongly about (I was just probing though, I just dont want no hippie). At that point I was struggling to hold conversations left and right with stranger (loud music made it worse), and when her brother finally came by as well I was really exhausted. I was unable to make a move on her that evening as well, as even though I got along rather well with her brother, I wasn't exactly comfortable hitting on her in front of him. We parted ways that night the three of us, and we kind of agreed that we should try to hang out the next day for some shuffleboard. I was kind of semi-disappointed that night however over how the evening went, so to progress things a bit I texted her the usual "thank you for tonight", and added that I found her fun, cute and a bit mysterious (in a fun way), and that she should contact me if she wanted to get together again (I was starting to get a bit annoyed as well that she would never initiate or suggest anything, and never text me first either, even though she replies fast in general). I did this in a friendly tone however.


This week, things have changed a bit again. She doesn't initiate much conversation around me (she said "hi" twice this week, which is an improvement I guess..), but today I got a bad sign. Me, her and two other colleagues had agreed to travel over the border for some shopping after work, but those plans were cancelled on Wednesday as one of them had to go to a reunion. So I thought the whole thing was off, until I asked her today if she wanted to go to the gym again after work, and she replied that she was traveling to the border after work with the other colleage of ours (I am on very good terms with that colleague as well). I was kind of bummed out by that, being left out like that. I didn't show it however, and just wished her a nice trip and did my usually bantering while cracking some bad jokes which she smiled and laughed at. Right before they left however, me and the other colleague were talking about how expensive living on your own had become, at which point this girl (the one I like) comes in and said "I should get a girlfriend". (What does that question even mean?) Then they left for the border as planned, and fifteen minutes later she calls me and said they were unsure if I wanted to come along too and wanted to make sure, but I said that I had already made plans for tonight and wished them a nice trip.




I know this was quite the wall of text, but this girl is started to do my head in. On one hand she is always receptive to my suggestions of meeting up, replies in quick fashion to my texts (after our second "date" where she was acting weird, I strongly sensed that I was carrying the conversation though) and generally smiles and laughs at my bad jokes as well having suggested I come along to a night out with her brother and his friends. On the other hand, she never initiates any meetup unless I have asked her directly, and lately rarely starts conversation with me at the office as well as acting weird around me recently, which makes me suspect she isn't into me at all.


PS She has admitted that she is usually quite shy (but talks a lot once she gets a drink or two), and is somewhat reserved at the office and usually doesn't say much during lunch, She does however talk somewhat more with the other two colleagues of ours.


Is this one worth pursuing at all? Should I wait for her to initiate a meetup of sorts now that I texted her and encouraging her to do just that (probing for her level of interest)? Is she not interested, or perhaps just shy around me and expecting me to lead in every stage?

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It's only an out-there thought, but it sounds like you might have friendzoned yourself, or at least confused her a bit. Something tells me you have been a bit slow about actually swtiching it up a bit, you know getting a kiss or something. You've been out a few times, if I was her, I'd be wondering where the hold up is.


that well may not be the case, but a skim over your post got this immediate reaction out of me. Perhaps it's show your hand time?


Also, don't worry about the fact that you work together, people get together all the time at work, and indeed split up at work. If both of you are even halfway professional, this isn't a problem.


Edit - for example, if I got cake-girl (an in-joke on here) out for seven hours by herself, well. I would have got an answer in some fashion by the end of that whether she was romantically interested or not. Or indeed, whether I was.


So hurry up, is my advice.

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Cheers, thanks for the quick reply. Yeah I was wondering about that myself, although I'm really uncomfortable about escalating to kisses too fast (got burned rather badly by a girl two years ago, who got cold feet and dumped me and started dating a friend of mine right after we had kissed for the first time). Should perhaps have gone for it on the second meetup of ours.


Sooo.. should I just ask her out again and up the physical game? (I touch her a lot, but I could force myself to going for a kiss I guess. I am just really worried about the fallout that could happen if she gets cold feet like that last one did).

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I would say the potential for long term success is minimal. I would say you moved too fast on her. When you work with someone - and this is just my opinion - you need to build an attraction over a period of time before making a move, to ensure sustained success. I think that opportunity has passed, but it's really not your fault. She showed too much interest in the beginning, and that's something that's hard to pass up.

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Nope. Just a gut call. There's often some ambivalence when people meet and assess the situation. But there seems to be outright indecision on her part.


I also disagree that her wanting you to meet her brother is a good sign. Quite the opposite actually. If you were a romantic interest she wouldn't introduce you so quickly to her inner circle. I think she was trying to telegraph to you that you are a friend. Same with the trip across the border. Just doesn't sound like she's interested in more than a friendship.


I would back off, see what happens. Sometimes less is more.

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You could continue to dance that tango or just be upfront and ask. As a general rule I find that the whole tip-toe sort of courtship routine is a waste of time and effort, at least past a certain point. So just ask. Maybe do it in such a way that you can back out and keep her friendship if she doesn't reciprocate, like Zaphod said.

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